What Won’t Happen Today

I got on the scale this morning and I've lost weight! And my thoughts that followed: wow! I weigh less. What have I been eating? Is it the strength training that is paying off?  did I actually lose weight without dieting? I can't believe that I can actually trust myself to eat when I'm hungry. Didn't I eat too much the other day? I can't remember. I should keep track of what I'm eating so I can know what I'm eating to lose weight. What if I eat the wrong things next week and gain weight?

Followed with these feelings:

Fear: This is a fluke, how could I possibly keep this up? What if I ruin this?

Relaxed, excitement: Maybe I can eat more, I'm doing so well!

And so here it is, two weeks ago I weighed what I weighed this morning. I was excited: 280, finally and then I ate and ate and ate. I wrote about eating too much on the following Monday and then eating and sabotaging my way back up to 285.

And then a week ago I decided to stop dieting. forever. And I've been making the choice the eat when hungry, to stop when full and to stop the food guilt once and for all. And now I'm back down to 280 and what will not happen is another week of eating to sabotage my efforts. I will recognize what I've done differently to lose weight this time and keep going.

Its weird to say that I'm trying to lose weight without dieting. Because while I'm not counting calories or avoiding certains foods, I have changed the way I eat and think about food. I'm working on my relationship with food and carving guilt and obsession slowly out.

I've also been eating what I want to eat. That isn't to say that when I desire ice cream, I go out and eat a gallon. I'm realizing that it is normal to desire food, hungry or not. Its just a part of life, but I don't have to cave to every whim. Everyone desires food: thin people, healthy people, fat people. What I mean is, for dinner if I want spaghetti, I eat spaghetti. I make mental notes of what I ate earlier, eat it only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Eating less than I normally would.

I made is exactly how I wanted with ground chicken cooked in olive oil, a nice homemade sauce with feta sprinkled in. No counting, no obsession, no guilt.

Last week I wanted a homemade Mexican pizza. Cooked the flour tortillas in olive oil, topped with lean ground beef, re-fried beans, cheese, sauce, and tomatoes. I cut it in fours and ate it with a spinach salad, I was full after two wedges and gave the rest to Josh. I ate what I wanted to eat, I didn't want more later and was surprised that I didn't want to eat the whole thing and more. I enjoyed it.

I'm trusting myself more and if I feel like I eat past fullness I recognize it and move on instead of just deciding that the day is ruined and stuff myself to compensate. I am not a failure and what I will not do today is overeat to keep myself from reaching my goals.