That sounds like the lyrics to a church hymn, but you know what I'm finding out? When I'm listening and engaging my higher self, the world seems brighter and everything is more clear. Food is not fear, it is love and so much more enjoyable when I'm not eating it in excess. I've been cooking and baking up a storm, which is obvious from the looks of my kitchen, and I truly love it more than I ever have. And not only that, but I'm excited about life in a way that I never have been. I drank the kool-aid guys.

When I listen and follow what  I need and want in my life, I wake up clear and excited for the day. It feels like opening the windows on the first day of spring. Is anyone else experiencing this after reading Brain Over Binge? I'd love to hear about it.

Lately, I have the energy to do make things happen. Things that I normally get so overwhelmed with and just put on the back burner. One of my dreams has been to create and maintain a creative living blog, so I've been polishing off my Beautiful Layers blog these past couple of days. It's hard to believe I've had that domain for seven years, and this one for six. What the what?

Other stuff that's happening? I'm seriously thinking about returning to University to finish my degree in fine arts/ graphic design. After watching my bff Jas graduate with honors, I was seriously encouraged and inspired to finish my degree. I feel like I am in a different place now than I was when I first when to college. I also feel like I'm more capable of learning and studying new information without the whole rebellious streak. We'll see.

Today I'm getting back into exercising after taking a week off due to a wonky back, which is now on the mend.

Tomorrow makes one week since I started reading and implementing the tools of Brain Over Binge.  In that week I've come to realize a few things that are helping this process:

1) Not every urge or feeling means something. I used to believe that all of my urges and feelings were me, that by not acting on them I was somehow denying myself and being unauthentic to who I am. And on some small level, I already got this. Denying every feeling is uncomfortable and often the only thing I'm fighting is the feeling or urge in and of itself, not the actual thought or feeling.

Here's an example: Sometimes I over think situations and my relationships with people. Often I find myself truly not understanding the motives of a person and examining them. I mull over every detail  in frustration until I feel nauseous and agitated. This is especially true when I believe their actions are wrong, hurting me or themselves. These thoughts take over my mind and I gave them freedom to take over. I do this so often that is became comfortable and familiar, like a bad habit. Like eating 10 cookies. But now, I'm acknowledging that sometimes I just default and it doesn't mean anything about me or the other person. Not every thing needs attention, examining, or confronting. Sometimes I just need to achnowledge the feeling and move on.

This is the same with the urge to eat more. Those urges are not me, but sometimes it's confusing to know the difference because I've learned to give weight to them in my own, evolved voice that reasons and sides with the urges.

This is what they sound like: You already ate that cookie, you might as well eat all of them and start over tomorrow. Your breakfast wasn't perfect you might as well eat everything you want for the rest of the day. You've been so good these past few days, you can slack off today. You didn't lose any weight today, might as well throw in the towel and get serious tomorrow. 

2) I do not need the scale right now. It's true, eating less usually results in weight loss, but not always and not every single day. Logically I understand this. I know that a few days before my period I hold on to water. I know that exercise makes me hold on to water as well. I know that salty foods make me hold on to water. I don't want to use the scale as an excuse or motivator right now. So today, I'm taking it out of the bathroom.

3) Finding my voice. One of the biggest challenges right now is finding my higher voice and listening to it. My higher voice is logical and doesn't want to binge. It doesn't want to keep eating or make myself sick. It wants me to succeed and move forward and grow. But sometimes it tries to justify and encourage my urges and feelings that aren't me, my animal voice. It's helpful for me to have a clear idea of what I do want on a very basic level so that I can easily access this information. It's also helpful to have it written down and handy. Sometimes I can honestly convince myself that I want to binge, that it's who I am, but I know better.

4) Knowing the difference between overeating (or eating too much) and binge eating. This one is very personal and looks different for everyone. This topic is covered a lot in Brain Over Binge. People who do not have any sort of binge eating disorder, eat too much on occasion. Having a second cookie, another slice of pizza, or seconds is not binge eating. Sometimes I simply eat more than what I need and that's all it is.  To me, at it's heart, binge eating is eating that is in excess. If it interrupts my life or causes me to be unhealthy, it is binge eating. I have never eaten as much in one sitting as the author of Brain Over Binge, but that doesn't mean that my excess or binge eating hasn't caused health issues  like obesity or disrupted my life by over taking my thoughts and actions.

4) Practice makes semi-perfect. Changing my mindset is taking work. It's taking practice and meditation. It's not always a huge struggle because I'm not fighting my urges, I'm just sitting with them, but it's still new to me. I still fear that I can't do this or that I'm fooling myself. I still hear the words of therapy and self-help books ringing in my ears that I need to fix my life or find fulfillment or get over depression or find self-esteem. Everday isn't perfect, and I'm becoming okay with that. I'm just riding it out. It's been helpful to create mantras of self-talk written down and handy. It's also helpful knowing that my urges cannot access my movement and that I always have the choice to binge or not. It's totally up to me. I know that it isn't going to be easy at first, and I'm prepared for ups and downs, but I know it doesn't have the be the biggest struggle in my life.

I never thought, in a million years, that a book would help me to stop overeating or binge eating, but it never stopped me from buying them. I read many thousands of words telling me that I was an emotional eater, a stress eater, an addict, disordered and diseased. I read many more thousands of words telling me that I had deep seated issues and until I resolved them I would never stop eating too much. And I read even more thousands of words telling me to cut out flour, sugar, salt, potatoes, honey, red meat, beans, to count calories, to cut carbs, to calculate points, or to cut the fat. I was told moderation and lifestyle change more times than I care to say. Two words that I never truly got. I spent many weeks at the University counselor trying to figure out why I just couldn't stop eating. Her only solution was that I was depressed and needed the medication I never took.

And then Beth came along and left this comment:

Hello! First time commenter!

I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this book, or if you have read it. Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen.

I’ve been a binge eater most of my adult life, and after reading this book, I stopped. I’m not sure how or why, but I did. Dieting and restricting causes bingeing, that I know.

Take care & good luck to you in the new year!

I immediately logged into Amazon to read the reviews. Within five minutes I was already into the first chapter on my Kindle. I couldn't wait to buy the book, I was ready to dive in. The words used to describe the book mention bulimia, a disorder that I've never had. So I want to say first, that if you've struggled with any form of eating to the excess, please consider reading this book. Whatever you call it, overeating, binge eating, bulimia, etc., if you suffer for the urge to eat beyond being full, if you've had many moments of being able to consume large amounts of food and want to stop right now- this book is for you.

Every journey is personal and individual, binge eating is not black and white. As I read Kathryn's words, a women who has never been obese or even overweight I can honestly say I've never eaten to the excess that she describes in Brain Over Binge. I've also never exercised for hours on end to burn the calories I've consumed. This is her form of purging and why she calls herself bulimic.

I'm obese, and it's not because of moderate or "normal" eating. It never has been, obviously. I've been thinking about my weight since I was eight years old and dieting for so long  that I've never really known what normal eating looks or feels like.

I've had glimmers of hope, mainly with intuitive eating, but my urges to eat more always took over. I've been saying tomorrow I'll be better for so long, it's become my default response when life gets in the way.

Since reading Brain Over Binge, I've debated how I'd approach presenting this information on my blog. And after much debate I decided that I could only best explain how I've changed as a result. The book is too in depth and I fear I would do Kathryn and her research much disservice to explain it in any other way. You can read more about her and purchase the book on her website here: Brain Over Binge.

I would love to discuss this book more in depth with those that have read the book or plan to read the book and would like to open my comments up for discussion.

**I was in no way compensated for my opinion. I've linked directly to Kathryn's site, not Amazon, for those interested in purchasing it.**

Thursday morning after reading the first few pages of Brain Over Binge  I wanted to eat a biscuit. I rarely eat fast food biscuits, but this morning all I wanted to do was eat while reading a book about eating. Hello, irony.

Normally, a day that starts with a 900 calorie biscuit meal doesn't end well. Because I wasn't "perfect" at breakfast I would normally use that as an excuse to eat what I wanted for the rest of the day and start over tomorrow.

But something changed in those next three hours. I learned that I am not all of the horrible things I always believed I was because of my binge eating. I learned that I am not an emotional eater or addicted to sugar like I always thought. Over time my brain has formed neurological pathways that give me the urge to binge. These urges are so strong that I often cannot concentrate until I alleviate the discomfort of the urge. The pathways were formed first by dieting and then by habit. So now my body believes it needs to binge in order to survive and cope. But, these urges are not me. Logically, I know better. I am not overeating because I have depression, low self-esteem, trauma or an imperfect life, I binge because my body become accustom to it. I learned that when I changed my career, hair, or bought something new, I was trying to change my life. I was trying to fulfill and fill ever corner of my life with events and stuff in a desperate attempt to recover.

I believed that somehow, changing any part of my life would make me complete so that I could stop overeating once and for all. I've searched in vain for over ten years for anything to make me whole. To fix me. To dull the desire to keep eating. I believed that I just hadn't found the right program to tell me how to be better. The right experience, job, relationship, or outfit. I believed that I had to turn my life upside down to make real changes. That I had to stop cooking or baking, or eating out. That I'd have to give up every food that I ever binged, to stop slowly killing myself and to gain control once and for all. On some level, I already knew all of this, I just couldn't believe it was that easy.

After those three hours of reading I said to Josh "I finally get it". And then I started to sob, mostly because I felt like three thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. All I could say was "There's nothing wrong with me! Why didn't anyone ever tell me?! I'm not crazy, lazy, stupid, diseased or suffering.".

And Thursday, for the first time in my life I learned how to almost effortlessly calm myself and take control. In just a few hours my day had turned around. It wasn't perfect, I hadn't solved my life's problems- I just ate and moved on. I felt normal. Instead of stuffing or fighting my urges to eat, I just sat with them and reminded myself that those thoughts are not me. The urges come from years of dieting and habit. I do not have to fight these urges or feel guilty about them. I just sit with the feelings, acknowledge them, remind myself that they are not my higher, more logical self, and it passes. Deep down, I've never wanted to binge and I know logically know this. I know what healthful eating looks like.

Friday I played with fire. I made cookies. I ate two and put the rest away. And these weren't just any cookie. They were amazing. I made a lovely dinner of salad and lentil soup. Nourishing and healthful food that I truly craved and then had two cookies and moved on. Even as I type this, there is a bowl of cookies on the counter and that all too familiar voice to eat all of them and start over tomorrow, is dull. It's almost nonexistent. And for that, I am grateful.

I realize that this post is full of hyperbole, as is my fashion when I get excited about something, but I can honestly say to you that I will never binge again. I will never hide or sneak food. Eat in the car or give myself the promises of tomorrow. And as they say, the proof is in the pudding, I so look forward to sharing this journey with you.

I've been making my way through FloCoIMo with my 31 recipes challenge. So far, I've made 12 recipes. Here are my not so good phone photos of what I've made so far.

Bang Bang Shrimp Tacos

Krissie's Mom's Potato Ravioli

 Pork Potstickers

Lemon Pancakes w/ Strawberry Jam

Pastor Ryan's Chili w/ Guacamole and Chips

Blueberry muffins w/ Streusel Topping

Krissie's Pork and Apple Meatballs w/ Sour Cream and Garlic Noodles

Ginger Baked Salmon w/ Smashed Potatoes and Caramelized Onions and Mushrooms

Recipe Recap With Links:

1. Tandoori Chicken Burgers
2. Sweet potato and black bean enchilada casserole (I used kidney beans)
3. 5 ingredient granola bars
4. Pastor Ryan's Chili (I used this as a base recipe. Added mushrooms and carrots to mine, didn't add crackers)
5. Lemon Pancakes (I added lemon to the batter and used whipping cream+ water instead of milk)
6. Bang Bang Shrimp Tacos (made recipe, placed in flour tortillas with napa cabbage)
7. Baked Pasta (no photo, recipe coming!)
8. Krissie's Mom's Potato Ravioli (didn't use the peppers or onions, added more potatoes)
9. Blueberry muffins (I used frozen blueberries and didn't cook them down, next time I would use more.)
10. Pork potstickers
11. Krissie's Pork and apple meatballs (I served with egg noodles with sour cream, butter, salt, garlic and parsley)
12. Ginger baked salmon and smashed potato (my recipes, coming soon!)

Old habits die hard. I'm hearing this a lot, as well as replacing old habits with new habits. And finding it difficult to identify these bad habits is a process in and of itself. Sometimes I don't even know it's a habit, or that it's keeping me from my goals.

A couple of days ago I went through the house and threw out food that could cause me to binge. I went through this whole mental process of thinking this is wasteful, I can handle small amounts, and is this really bad to have around? It's hard for throw away perfectly good "food", but I did anyway and I have another round to go. I have boxes of graham cracks leftover from gingerbread house building, and right now they aren't tempting- I could care less about graham crackers, but I worry about what they could turn into. So I will give them away.

And now I'm thinking of tackling my sugar/brown sugar and flour reserves. I cook occasionally with sugar, but I know I can use honey instead. Not much can be done (of the overeating variety, for me) without sugar, so I will keep the flour. I'm actually having these thoughts, what could I easily turn into a dessert? If this can be a dessert, it should go. This is the thing with being able to bake, you can do it quickly and easily without much on hand.

Old habits for me, are thinking "I can handle this", and in the moment I can, but eventually something will pop up and I'll find myself making brownies in the microwave and wondering how that even happened. Steps A to B to eating are a blur to me and I'm left with brownie residue in a mug trying very hard to wash away the evidence.

I'm asking myself, how can I  replace these habits and old ways of thinking? It's a challenge, it's hard to question a behavior you've worked hard at protecting.

What habits are you trying to throw away?

This month I'm participating in FloCoIMo which is Floyd's (and beyond) alternative to NanoWrimo. My idea first was to create an art journal, but after the first day of the year that seemed like too much work for me right now. I imagine I'd sit around the last week of the year hurridly putting something together, just because. And so I went back to my original idea, which someone told me would be too much, but that's me, I'm doing it any way. 31 recipes in January.

So far I've made five and I actually want to do it, I look forward to each recipe. It goes along nicely with my resolution to cook more and I'm trying out new recipes that I've been saving up for way too long.

Yesterday morning for brunch I had another tandoori chicken burger served on naan. Recipes one and two of the month. I just love this recipe.

For dinner I made Black Bean and Sweet Potato Enchilada Casserole. I was scared that I wouldn't like the mushy texture of the sweet potatoes in this, but I did. This recipe was a success, Josh said "I think this is even better than I think it is" as he is now battling the same sickness I had over the weekend. It was very good. Savory, spicy (but not too hot) and comforting.

I made a few minor changes to the recipe, which you can find here. I used kidney beans instead of black because my black beans were not done soaking. I used tomatoes with green chilis in the sweet potato mixture instead of just chilis. I added red onions to the layers. I didn't use cream cheese. I used cheddar cheese instead and on top. I used beef broth instead of chili when making the green chili sauce, only because that's what I had on hand. I served with avocados sprinkled with sea salt. I also made more sweet potatoes than that recipe suggests so I could put it in a bigger pan and make six servings. This will definitely be made again.

My fifth recipe is Five Ingredient Granola. I used pecans, oatmeal, chocolate chips, peanut butter, sea salt, honey+corn syrup.

These were good, but way too sweet, especially post Christmas. Next time I would use dried cranberries, more nuts and all honey.

Good morning! Did you guys get any snow yesterday? So far we just have a dusting, it's mostly cold and windy. Is it bad that I'm hoping for at least one big snow this winter?

Yesterday's breakfast was so good. I had one of Jeanne's eggs fried in butter, a couple of slices of peach ham, a clementine and a small slice of banana bread. I ended up not eating more than a bite of the banana bread because I got overzealous with reheating it in the microwave. I think a loaf of banana bread is in my future.

Lunch was really late in the day so I kept it small. A shared chicken burrito, half of an avocado, and salsa.

Dinner took forever to cook, but it was so worth it. I made tandoori chicken burgers with yogurt cucumber sauce and naan. I topped the burgers with cucumber, red onion and cilantro. It was amazing. The chicken patties were tender and had a lot of Indian spice flavor to them. I also really liked the cumin in the cucumber sauce.

I didn't get a good photo of the burgers because it was 9pm and I didn't feel like pulling out the natural lights, but these were amazing. I'll definitely be making them again. You can find the recipe for the tandoori chicken burgers here. The only difference for me was the chicken. I used whole chicken breasts and ground them up in the food processor with the spices. The naan recipe is here.

I did not exercise yesterday and can tell it's going to be hard at first to get back into the swing of things. I woke up early to exercise and then waited for Josh and then just kept putting it off until we were both too tired. I think honestly we were both excited to get back to work and have a normal day that it took second seat to everything else. No excuses today though.

I'm almost done reading It Chooses You by Miranda July. Oh my. It's so very interested and surprisingly sad and deep. Miranda's comments about life, time and death feel so familiar to what goes on in my own head that it's comforting to read the  words from someone else. While writing or trying to write a screen play she decides to seek out the people from the LA Penny Saver for interviews. What she finds is a whole lot of crazy in a world that exists without the internet.

We've made it to the second day of the new year! Hooray for us!

Yesterday was the first day in awhile that I felt like a human being. This means that I diligently sat at my computer listening to Perpetuum Mobile on repeat while I worked on finishing design projects from 2011. I'm pretty sure that listening to any piece of music on repeat for any length of time is a sign of deep neurosis. I'm going to look into that. Productivity felt so good.

So did eating...

I'm calling this the breakfast of friends because everything here was given to me. I know some good people. The egg from my friend Jeanne's chickens. Fresh bread and clementines from bread master Sarah. And apple butter from my mom. I don't care for runny eggs, I like them fried crisp in butter and well done with lots of pepper.

Christmas tree is still up, I'm thinking I'll take it down next weekend. I just love the light, maybe I need to put twinkle lights up year round. The scrabble peace ornament is from my pal AshleyGee and it's one of my favorites this year. Thanks Ashley!

Dinner was at India Garden in Blacksburg. Their chicken tikka masala is exactly what I was craving. It's so sweet and creamy and perfect with naan. I emailed Josh earlier in the day and said "if I get my work done, we're going out!" and out we did.

I love Indian food, there is no craving like an Indian food craving, I could  eat this meal several times a week.

After dinner we went out to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo which was deeply disturbing and intriguing. I honestly loved the story, but there wasn't a lot left on the table as far as torturous scenes go. Rooney Mara was fantastic though. Have you read the books? I'm equal parts scared and interested in reading them.

It's so nice to start the year with a clean slate. I've cleared so much off my plate for the new year that it feels good to have time to write and be creative.  Today I start back with Insanity after being off for two weeks. I'm looking forward to the endorphins and sweat.

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and are gearing up for a new year tomorrow. I had a very spoiled Christmas, filled to the brim with good food, good company and more gifts than I deserved.

I'm ready for 2012, are you?  It seems there are two sets of people on new years, those that diligently create resolutions and goals, and those that are violently against it. I'm a resolution person, but if you've been reading any amount of time, you already knew that. Mostly, I just think it's fun to create a spread sheet of what I want more of and what I want less of.

Right off the top of my head, I want more contentment in the small things in my life. This past year, I was not content with contentment. I spent the year worrying that if I wasn't piling on the projects and giving light to all of my ideas that I wasn't moving forward. I was eager to skip steps and make things happen unnaturally for the sake of making something, anything, happen. That was a huge lesson.

I believe my health suffered because of this. Most notably that I've had a cold and now getting over a stomach virus in just two weeks.

As I sit here in my safe and quiet house, I realize how important this stability is to me. What I do is wonderful, I love passion, but I love knowing that I'm doing all that I can to maintain a happy home life for myself and my husband. That I'm doing what I can to keep myself healthy. And in this I find myself retreating, a lot. This year, I see myself saying no and passing on projects. I see myself riding the waves as they come. Taking the long road to my goals, rather than the "Let's make this happen now!" insanity that I put myself through last year. I see myself going with the flow and trusting that I can grow and move forward just while, and especially so, taking care of my home, health and happiness.

This year, I will be narrowing my projects down to one. business. which is my design/art/creative business. And working on my blogs. Other than that, I will be cooking more and eating more vegetables, and taking time to dance and have fun and most importantly, to just be.

I want more fresh fruit and vegetable juices.  I believe in juicing and how good it makes me feel.

I want  to complain and worry less.

I want more exercise.

I want to take the long road and be okay with the journey.

I want to stop worrying, finally, about what other people think.

I want more sewing, painting and illustrating.

I want less social media.

I want more cooking.

I want less driving.

I want to make realistic and attainable goals.

Happy New Year!

First things first:

Poor kitty. I can't begin to tell you how much he loves his Christmas sweater. This is a horrible thing to do to your cat, I just couldn't help myself. It's too bad he's so darn cute. I'm turning into a crazy cat lady.

This week went by in a flash. Half of it was spent traveling while the other half has been been tending to sickness. I'm sad because the week started out so strong with exercise and now it's taking a lot of effort to get off the couch just to make myself some tea.

I'm determined to get stuff done this weekend, the clock is ticking and there's so much to get done. boo to Christmas sickies! I don't anticipate much exercise until I feel better, but until then, Christmas cat says hello...