Pleasant surprises

I've decided tonight that it is possible to find something physical about myself that makes me happy. My hair, while is not long by normal standards is quite long for me and my hair chopping history. I've had very short hair for the past 5 or 6 years. This is a breakthrough for me- no cutting or dying. I'm really pleased with what my hair chooses to do when left on its own.
Also, my skin without makeup tonight. Miracles upon miracles that 24 has brought clearer skin into my life. Another aspect of my life that I was formerly void of.

Me in August

Here is a recent photo taken of me on my sisters couch with Jasmine (left) Wyatt (middle) and me on the end. Sitting down pictures are never too kind, but oh well :)

Cinnamon Buns

Inspired by Nigella Lawson, Martha Stewart and fall. I am on a cooking/baking kick lately. More like wanting to cook and bake than actually doing. I'm really into homemade food, and using older techniques for cooking and preparing food. There is something greatly relaxing about kneading dough.

This morning I decided to prepare cinnamon buns from scratch a couple for me and the rest for my co-workers. There is something about baking that makes me not want to eat all of it, I want to savor the flavors and stop when I'm full. Food that I bake doesn't seem to call to me in the same urgency that store bought baked goods do. I think the main reason for this is the fact that store bought treats and junk food have only one purpose to me and that is to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. When I make things at home, its more out of the pleasure of baking than the thoughtlessness of mindless eating fueled by emotions.

Sometimes I wonder if its possible to beat my food demons with food. Where as I cook and enjoy textures and flavors of various foods that I take the time to prepare. I see people like Martha Stewart and Nigella Lawson stress things like "moderation and variety are key". Of course, a diet of cinnamon buns isn't ideal nor is it healthy, but can these occasional treats be apart of a healthy lifestyle? I'm starting to make small rules with myself such as, if I want to eat a certain treat I have to make it myself from scratch. Which makes it a more thoughtful and enjoyable process that involves steps and completion rather than consumption.

Can I lose weight, while cooking and enjoying the foods that I love? Can I control my appetite with a kitchen full of cinnamon buns? I just wonder how I can change my thought processes with cooking.

I once bought a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls and pretty much ate the entire can in one sitting. And now here I am a year later making my own with yeast and flour and I'm satisfied after eating one or two rather than 8 or 10. I look forward to sharing them with my co-workers.

This sort of mindful eating gives me hope that I can begin to trust myself around food. That no, it isn't going to go away and yes on occasion I can have something sweet and then move on. I agree with my boyfriend who says that food shouldn't be the main thought of the day. When hungry we should eat and then move on. I'm challenging myself to try this, to try new ways of losing weight. Maybe in a week or a month I will decide that this is a bad idea, but who knows really.

How will I ever lose weight if I continue viewing food as something I am either avoiding or gorging?

So, here it is October 1st 2007. I've lived in NYC for one year and one month. When I first got here I weighed 315lbs and now I weigh 275. I do feel better and I know that getting here wasn't that hard. I know that I could have lost more, but I also know that I could have gained or lost nothing at all.

I'm going to stop beating myself up about my weight and punishing myself with too much food. I like to record my food, which I still do in my food journal, but I'd like to make notations about why I ate what I ate, if I was full or hungry, if I stopped when I was full and why I made the food choices I did. The focus will be less on calories and more on choices.

My goal is to work out at least 5 hours this week. I made a little homemade chart to keep track of this, which I will share.

I've been here before, haven't I? I may be here again. I'm still trying, moving forward and each day I figure something new out that I didn't know the day before.

This is apart of my 12 week challenge. I have started reading the Artist Way which is a 12 week course in a book I bought a couple of months ago. The course includes a lot of writing, and soul searching which I think will help me with my weight loss as well. I want to lose 1.6 lbs a week for the next 12 weeks. That's 30 lbs. I hate making these goals public, as sometimes I feel like when they don't happen I disappoint other people as well as myself.

That's the goal and it can defiantly happen.

Oh, and here are the rolls...

Unformed Egg

Breakfast! My version of an egg McMuffin. I couldn't get my egg to stay in the uniform O shape. This has 2 slices of turkey bacon, 1/8 cup of cheddar, and one egg. 7 points

Tonights Dinner

Turkey Meatloaf and Cheesy Potatoes

Turkey Meatloaf:
1 lb. ground turkey breast
1/2 cup Italian Bread Crumbs
3 garlic cloves -chopped
1 medium/large onion-chopped
1/2 green pepper-chopped
One egg
1 cup tomato sauce
Worcestershire sauce
basil (1 tsp.)
salt (1/2-1/4 tsp.)
pepper (1/2-1/4 tsp.)
2 tbs. olive oil
1/4 cup ketchup (save for the top)

Preheat oven to 350(f) degrees
Heat olive oil over medium heat with onions, green peppers and garlic. Cook until tender. Place onions, garlic and green peppers in a large bowl after they are cooked and let sit until they are cool enough to handle. Put the remaining ingredients in the bowl and mix well, careful not to over work the meat. Spray a loaf or pie pan with non-stick spray. Place mixture in the pan and cook for 45-55 minutes. Spread ketchup on top of your meatloaf when done and place in the oven for 5 more minutes.
The whole loaf has 18 points. I divided mine into 5 servings at 4 points each.


Quick Cheesy Potatoes:
4 medium russet potatoes-cubed
2 shallots (or medium onion)-chopped
4oz. can of chopped green chile's
1/4 cup green peppers- diced
1/2 cup cheddar cheese
1 tbs. Olivio (or your choice of butter)
for taste: garlic powder, salt, pepper, and hot sauce
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Cook your potatoes in the microwave for about 8 minutes or until tender (you can boil them as well). While your potatoes are cooking, cook your onions, and green peppers over medium heat until tender. When the potatoes are done place them in a spray pan (about 8x8) and top with melted butter, chile's, green pepper and onion mixture, and a dash or two of hot sauce. Sprinkle with garlic powder, salt and pepper and then with your cheese. Cook for about 15 minutes or until the potatoes are slightly brown.
14 points for the whole dish. I split this into 4 servings at 3.5 points per serving.
This could be even lower in points with some sort of butter spray instead of butter, and reduced fat cheddar.

Total points for dinner: 8.5