post-wedding

Me and Josh at my sisters wedding reception. I caught the bouquet and he caught the garter!
And here is me and my dad! The wedding was so beautiful and well organized. My maid of honor speech was last minute and ramble-y. I have no idea what I said.

Last week was really busy and even the weekend before was a little unplanned. We adopted a cat off of the street near our apartment two days before we drove to WV. His name is Garfunkel to go along with our other cat Simon. He is so sweet and loving, you'd never guess that he was brought home from Ovington Ave. instead of someones home.
I have so much on my to-do list right now, but I'm excited to be back home and working on new projects. One of my projects is this blog. I'm working on a new look for it which I hope to have finished by Saturday.

Speaking of Saturday, I am joining weight watchers again. And Josh is going with me! I'm so excited to do this with him. He is seriously the best person to do programs with because he takes it seriously and doesn't slack off like I tend to want to do.

We did Atkins with each other about 3 or 4 years ago and both of us did really well. So, I expect that this plan will be more livable and something we can have fun doing together.
I got on the scale yesterday morning and it read 280, which is not at all where I want to be. I was honestly surprised that it wasn't higher due to all of the biscuits and gravy/cake/fried foods that I enjoyed while in WV. I look forward to getting back on a plan and going to the gym. And most importantly seeing the scale go down steadily. This time I hope to recognize the obstacles that I allowed to let me stop going in the spring.

Life on the frontier

I'm here, I'm wrapping things up before I venture down to WV for my sisters wedding. Me and Josh are renting a car for the trip so I'm looking forward to a road trip and a little vacation away from Brooklyn. I looked at the map to see if there would be anything worth to stop and see on our trip and so far I can't find anything. Someone should create a website that gives you a list of worth-while stops on your way somewhere. We are stopping through Harrisburg PA, near Hershey as well as Cumberland and some other spots.

I feel like October this year has been one of those off schedule months full of waiting and anticipation. Last week Josh was out of town and it was just me and the cat. I didn't do a whole lot besides giving the apartment a good clean, which is good mentally. I mentioned before the start of a 12 week (book) course called the Artist Way. Its a book that guides you through creative recovery and honestly I feel like it can be applied to any sort of recovery. As I read it, I see how this book can help with weight loss. There is a required 3 page writing exercise every morning. Basically you just write everything that comes to your mind. Its not planned and rarely makes sense, its just getting it out there. Brain drain as the author calls it. I can't tell you how free I feel from my thoughts after writing it. The author suggests writing down negative thoughts about yourself as they come along and then writing in an affirmation. I want to incorporate a lot of these practices in losing weight.

This week we went to the gym once early in the morning. I walked 40 minutes (medium speed, with an incline) on the treadmill. It was a lot harder than the stationary bike, but a lot more refreshing too. Eating has been hit or miss this week. Which has made me feel even more as though I want to be on a plan of some sort. Something, anything. I hate that idea, being on and off something. I've thought a lot about it. I feel like a plan is needed for a goal. I keep hoping that I can reach my goals without direction, that I can intuitively feel may way there, but I just keep getting side tracked or taking the wrong roads.

I watched the documentary Spellbound recently and I felt inspired by the children who worked so hard towards the spelling bee. I think spelling bee's are a bit trivial, as I lack them myself. I notice that I put loose instead of lose over which makes me cringe every time I catch it. Anyhow, the children in this movie work really hard to achieve the goal of going to the national spelling bee. They sacrificed their social lives and free time working towards this goal. Non of them got to nationals without hard work or dedication. I'm feeling more and more that weight loss isn't a way of life or an intuitive change for me, it is something I have to do with dedication and tenacity. I feel like I prevent myself from trying a lot of the time because I fear that I will gain it all back, which is the statistic that looms over the head of everyone who has lost and wants to lose. Isn't fear a powerful element in our lives? Its amazing really.

I've thought a lot about rejoining weight watchers as in going to the meetings. I often wish that I could have a place like weight watchers without the baggage of it being weight watchers. Not sure if that makes sense. It feels silly when you go and have to introduce oneself and say "this is my second, third, fourth time here". When I first started going I thoughtlessly said in my head "I don't want that to be me". Coming back. I know so many that constantly stop and start and always keep going back to gain control. I feel like if I go back, I will be in that cycle of thinking "well I can always go back". I always realize that it doesn't have to be like that, its totally up to me. I'm going to think about going back this week and try to decide if that is the best decision or not.

Speaking of cycles I was thinking this week how wonderful positive cycles are in my life. I'm big on excuses, I often think "how can I leave the house when I need to clean?" "how can I eat well today if I didn't plan it out?" I realized that it is easier and more helpful to create positive cycles than negative ones. A neat apartment leads to a planned day a planned day leads to eating well eating well leads to exercise exercise leads to creative time...and so forth. I think the ideal would be to be productive even if everything isn't "done" or "in place". Making the best decisions with what is going on even if it isn't the ideal situation. I keep reminding myself that the more energy I give the more I will get.

Moving on, I've been watching the PBS shows lately called the 1900 house or the Frontier house. Finishing up the frontier house the main thing that called to me was how fit and healthy the participants became. They weren't fat people by today's standards, but definatly improved their health often very dramatically. We all read the news about the how obesity is taking over our lives and that people were never this fat. Watching modern people go back, its very easy to see why people are fat now. Its so obvious that I am laughing now at the question to begin with. And guess what? A lot of these people ate eggs, butter, flour, sugar, but food was a basis of survival (and still is). They has budgets and had to ration out their food supply. They commented that the average American eats over a hundred pounds of sugar a day, but during that time it was dramatically lower. They also worked very hard physically . I know that saying this is very obvious, but it seems so silly when I hear people blaming their fat on McDonalds or Trans Fats or High Fructose Corn Syrup.

The families in the show made really wonderful discoveries about themselves and modern life. I would say that everyone that lived this way for 4-5 months truly tapped into something wonderful within themselves. One of the teenage girls made the comment "I feel happy doing this work, I didn't at first, but now I feel like I'm actually contributing". The children also commented after coming back to the modern world about how bored they were with all of the toys in the world, they had so many choices and everything they had felt less special. One boy said that having fewer things made him appreciate them more and were more exciting to him. Its true that so much as changed during this time. Illness can be cured more easily and life expectancy has been improved. Human rights in America has improved. Knowledge and education is more accessible. I can't help but feel that incorporating some principles of living from 100 years ago is essential for happiness in 2007.

Back when I went to my school counselor I said to her over and over "I'm not happy, because my life is too easy". Which at the time sounded really crazy. She even noted "why do you intentionally want to make your life harder?". I explained how frustrating it was that my parents took care of me financially, I had too much food, I could go anywhere in my car...everything was so easy. It felt silly at the time, being 22 and not taking care of my own life or my own direction. I felt ridiculous that my parents were paying for my rent. And its interesting to me to note that even thought I had these things that were supposed to be good for me, they made me feel defeated and depressed. Having too much will never make me happy. And that is still a hard lesson to learn and accept. I still shop too much thinking that a new product will change how I feel, or eat too much knowing that I will never be mentally full. Why are these simple lessons the hardest ones to learn?

I'm asking myself now, how can I incorporate parts of life a hundred years ago into my life now? For starters, they did not have packaged/processed or fast foods. They ate close to the earth. They walked everywhere, miles and miles or walking every day. They couldn't avoid physical labor. Over eating was not an option, at all. They ate for health and a lot of these people ate very simply. They did not die without a "balanced meal" every day. They worked hard toward goals. They did not over fill their homes with stuff. Its an interesting perspective on life. I want to add some aspects of life on the frontier and subtract some aspects of life now.

I probably won't post anything until I get back on the 23rd. I'm off to be a maid of honor, wish me luck.

Thank You

I wanted to thank you for reading and leaving kind, thoughtful and very supportive comments on my blog lately. I feel as though I've treated my blog as something I did alone and tended to alone, but then I find generous people on the internet willing to extent themselves to someone they have never met. Thank you for being here with me and taking the time to comment, I truly appreciate it.

If you have a blog and would like for me to add it on my blog roll aka: inspiring blogs please send me an email at tokenfatgirl@gmail.com and I will add you. I'm trying to get better at leaving comments, I'm a bit of a blog-aholic. I've replaced TV with blogs. I think it would take hours to comment often on everything I read, but I do read almost religiously.

Pleasant surprises

I've decided tonight that it is possible to find something physical about myself that makes me happy. My hair, while is not long by normal standards is quite long for me and my hair chopping history. I've had very short hair for the past 5 or 6 years. This is a breakthrough for me- no cutting or dying. I'm really pleased with what my hair chooses to do when left on its own.
Also, my skin without makeup tonight. Miracles upon miracles that 24 has brought clearer skin into my life. Another aspect of my life that I was formerly void of.

Cinnamon Buns

Inspired by Nigella Lawson, Martha Stewart and fall. I am on a cooking/baking kick lately. More like wanting to cook and bake than actually doing. I'm really into homemade food, and using older techniques for cooking and preparing food. There is something greatly relaxing about kneading dough.

This morning I decided to prepare cinnamon buns from scratch a couple for me and the rest for my co-workers. There is something about baking that makes me not want to eat all of it, I want to savor the flavors and stop when I'm full. Food that I bake doesn't seem to call to me in the same urgency that store bought baked goods do. I think the main reason for this is the fact that store bought treats and junk food have only one purpose to me and that is to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. When I make things at home, its more out of the pleasure of baking than the thoughtlessness of mindless eating fueled by emotions.

Sometimes I wonder if its possible to beat my food demons with food. Where as I cook and enjoy textures and flavors of various foods that I take the time to prepare. I see people like Martha Stewart and Nigella Lawson stress things like "moderation and variety are key". Of course, a diet of cinnamon buns isn't ideal nor is it healthy, but can these occasional treats be apart of a healthy lifestyle? I'm starting to make small rules with myself such as, if I want to eat a certain treat I have to make it myself from scratch. Which makes it a more thoughtful and enjoyable process that involves steps and completion rather than consumption.

Can I lose weight, while cooking and enjoying the foods that I love? Can I control my appetite with a kitchen full of cinnamon buns? I just wonder how I can change my thought processes with cooking.

I once bought a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls and pretty much ate the entire can in one sitting. And now here I am a year later making my own with yeast and flour and I'm satisfied after eating one or two rather than 8 or 10. I look forward to sharing them with my co-workers.

This sort of mindful eating gives me hope that I can begin to trust myself around food. That no, it isn't going to go away and yes on occasion I can have something sweet and then move on. I agree with my boyfriend who says that food shouldn't be the main thought of the day. When hungry we should eat and then move on. I'm challenging myself to try this, to try new ways of losing weight. Maybe in a week or a month I will decide that this is a bad idea, but who knows really.

How will I ever lose weight if I continue viewing food as something I am either avoiding or gorging?

So, here it is October 1st 2007. I've lived in NYC for one year and one month. When I first got here I weighed 315lbs and now I weigh 275. I do feel better and I know that getting here wasn't that hard. I know that I could have lost more, but I also know that I could have gained or lost nothing at all.

I'm going to stop beating myself up about my weight and punishing myself with too much food. I like to record my food, which I still do in my food journal, but I'd like to make notations about why I ate what I ate, if I was full or hungry, if I stopped when I was full and why I made the food choices I did. The focus will be less on calories and more on choices.

My goal is to work out at least 5 hours this week. I made a little homemade chart to keep track of this, which I will share.

I've been here before, haven't I? I may be here again. I'm still trying, moving forward and each day I figure something new out that I didn't know the day before.

This is apart of my 12 week challenge. I have started reading the Artist Way which is a 12 week course in a book I bought a couple of months ago. The course includes a lot of writing, and soul searching which I think will help me with my weight loss as well. I want to lose 1.6 lbs a week for the next 12 weeks. That's 30 lbs. I hate making these goals public, as sometimes I feel like when they don't happen I disappoint other people as well as myself.

That's the goal and it can defiantly happen.

Oh, and here are the rolls...

Digging deeper

*I just edited this to remove some of the typos, sorry about that.

I've kept things (for the most part) on the surface in this blog. There are people that read my blog that I'd honestly not like to give the power of knowing my weaknesses. My issue with weight, is a bit deeper than my love for food or laziness. Although I read a post recently over at Half of Me, where she proclaimed her love for food and laziness and that is why she got so heavy in the first place. I love that, and I think a lot of us are like that too if we choose to be honest with ourselves.

That post stirred a lot of internal conflict and thinking in me this week. Things I've been wondering about for some time. I've been keeping myself from digging and exploring for answers within myself in hopes that there would eventually be an answer that I could buy, or try or discover. I read something recently somewhere that states "we are who we want to be". Which is a pretty great thought. After I read Miss Pasta's entry I kept thinking "but, why are some of us lazy? why is health and appearance more important to some people and not others?" I'll tell you all, I'm so lazy when it comes to personal appearance unless I've got somewhere to be. Every day Lorrie, well she is a bit rough around the edges. The wrong shade of foundation, wet hair pulled back in a messy bun, chipped nail polish and I never ever iron.

Its hard for me to admit to the things that I'm obviously not, because I want so much to be different. To be the girl that looks good casually, goes to the gym without moments thought and glows with inner beauty.

This brings me to some more digging. About four years into college, I was ready to get out. I didn't know where I'd go or what I'd do, I just wanted out. So instead I went to a school counselor who I'll call Miss M. I told her that I felt like I was floating through life, and disconnected. I explained that my moods would not change if I won a million dollars or if someone close passed away. I felt pretty horrible revealing that, but it was true and on some days it still is.
Miss M. concluded that I was suffering from Dysthymia. What is Dysthymia?

According to wikipedia Dysthymia is a mood disorder that falls on the depression spectrum. It is typically characterized by a lack of enjoyment or pleasure that continues for an extended period. Dysthymia differs from major depression in that it is both longer-lasting and less disabling. Dysthymia can prevent a person from functioning effectively, disrupt sleep patterns, and interfere with activities of daily living (ADLs). Many dysthymia sufferers have a more specific subtype called atypical depression. Dysthymia sufferers exhibit fairly mild symptoms on a day-to-day basis. Over a lifetime the disorder may have more severe effects, such as a high rate of suicide, work impairment, and social isolation.

After this discovery I went to student health to get a prescription of Paxel, which I ended up taking for about 4 days. And I've never taken anything since. The thing about admitting to depression or mild chronic depression is that I feel like a sham. Because there are times when I can pull out of it, or pretend it isn't present. I feel ashamed to even think or tell other people that I may have depression because my life isn't bad, nor has it ever been. Its kind of like I'm saying "my life isn't good enough". I feel lazy and crazy a good portion of the time and therefore I don't talk about this.

There are things that I feel and think that make me feel that it isn't just who I am. This isn't who I really am. I have a hard time socializing with people, I do not feel authentic when I interact with other people, I get overwhelmed very easily, I'm easily distracted, I have little energy, I have negative thoughts about myself constantly, and I usually have deep feelings of sadness for no apparent reason.

I want to change this way of existence. I don't want to continue "sleep walking" or existing. I've done a lot of research and I believe that whatever it is that I have (or don't have) can been treated without medication. Not that I advocate or don't advocate medication for other people. But, I know that the only way that I can loose weight is to acknowledge how I feel and how this effects my health. I've been doing some research on Dysthymia and I found a lot of resources and suggestions to help someone with this.

Here is what I found:
(1) Feel your feelings (depression is the suppression of feelings -- acknowledging those feelings often causes depression to improve).
(2) Realize that nothing comes out of the blue (your depressed state has a root cause that you should look for in an event or situation).
(3) Challenge your depressed thinking by questioning your assumptions, especially ones that center on meaningless perfectionism.
(4) Establish priorities so that your energies can go towards them
(5) Communicate as directly as possible to everyone around you. Depressed people are often poor communicators who don't get their emotional needs served. With better communication, they can experience a more supportive emotional environment.
(6) Take care of your self.
(7) Take and expect the right responsibility for yourself -- for your own actions. Depressed people often feel guilty about things that they have no responsibility for (like the death of a parent or the divorce of their parents).
(8) Look for heroes. These role models can empower you to see the way to improve, especially if they were also depressed like Lincoln.
(9) Be generous. Helping others puts your own situation into perspective.
(10) Cultivate intimacy. This means letting down your defenses so people can see you as you are, and accept you for that. Depressed people often feel disgusted with their true selves, and hide that self from everyone.
(11) Practice detachment. Depressed people are often overly critical and pessimistic. Seeing things in the proper perspective can heal a lot of inappropriate pain.
(12) Learn to enjoy yourself.
(13) Get help when you need it. This may be the most important piece of advice since so many people do not.

I've read so much lately on the topic and I feel a lot better knowing that other people suffer from the same feelings of inadequacies. I truly believe that there are habits and behaviors that I choose to have that contribute to my feelings of depression. I read somewhere else that people can become addicted to feelings of depression and anxiety, which it a really interesting concept to think about. There are so many times that I choose the easier road of instant satisfaction, which in turn only makes me feel worse. I want to begin undoing depression by replacing depressive patterns of thinking, relating and behaving with a new and more effective set of skills.
There are suggestions that journaling and meditation are effective, which I really agree to and truly help me when I'm not forgetting to do them or getting "caught up" in my negative feelings.

I have a vision of my "ideal" self that I don't present very often. Often times I get caught up in thinking that being somewhere else will be better. I used to cut and color my hair so much that it started to fall out because I felt like my hair was the only thing I had control over. I would think "if only I had better hair then things would change". Which is really silly. There are things that I can do that I know always make me feel better, such as cleaning, exercising or creating art work, but I often feel too defeated and overwhelmed to do them. Sometimes I feel like I have about one productive week a month and the rest is me feeling sorry for myself.

My ideal self is healthy, active, and authentic. She is confident at the weight she is now and even as she loses weight. Her personality shines, she is kind, intelligent, generous and witty. She has a sense of humor and doesn't shell up or sputter words in front of strangers. She doesn't create excuses for not exercising or wait until the house is clean, and the to-do list is finished before she can loose weight. My ideal self has a sense of style and goes on all of the adventures that she imagines in her head. She doesn't let difficult people or situations bring her down. She doesn't lose herself or who she is when challenged by others. She speaks her mind and stands up for herself. She is caring of herself and others. She takes care of herself and finds ways to make herself proud everyday. She lives in the moment, and is able to plan for the future. She doesn't mourn her mistakes in the past and excitedly lives her life. She isn't perfect and doesn't expect everyday to be that way. She is calm and down to earth.

I am her. I haven't let her come out.

I feel guilty about my weight loss in this blog. I don't want to feel like a failure and that my blog is an example of that. I feel bad that I go on and off of diets so quickly. Waiting for it to "click" or to get fed up enough. The truth is, it may never click, but I can realize that everyday I have control over what I want even if getting it isn't always easy. I don't mean to be a flake and I honestly can't remember what I did in the times that I didn't write. My weight has been at 275 (give or take 4 or 5lbs.) since April. It doesn't take a lot of knowledge to know that this weight is not good for me physically or mentally. I cannot continue to wait for it to matter or to click. I don't want my weight to be the deciding factor or contributor of negative feelings in my life.

Everyday I imagine what people must think of me "fat fat fat, lazy, disgusting, fat". Thinking this makes it hard to exist, when all I worry about is that everyone is judging me because of my weight. I shouldn't worry about that, but I do. I don't want to be the "fat girl", yet I've encountered many people who shine at my weight and let other people in. I want to be that person and choose to loose weight too.

My goals are changing to include weight loss in a different way. I want to heal myself and my thinking patterns. I want to focus more on exercise and eating well. So many times I will go off of a diet and eat all of the "bad" foods that I can stomach before I go back on the said. Most of the time I don't even want to food, I eat it because I feel like I have to.

I really love Nigella Lawson and there is a clip on youtube where she talks about her food philosophy. She doesn't deprive herself of things she loves, but she also doesn't hold priority over certain foods. She said that she loves eating fruits and vegetables because they are beautiful and she feels good when she eats them. She doesn't simply eat something because its "healthy" or because its unhealthy. She loves food, but doesn't abuse it. Her philosophy is wonderful. So many times I've eaten a salad at work or with other people and they make a comment about my "healthy" choices or that I'm on a diet. But, can we not eat whole some foods simply because we love them?