I gave myself three weeks to get over not eating sugar by allowing myself to eat pretty much what I want in the amount that I wanted. What did I discover? I can still eat a lot of calories even when sugar isn't involved. But I already knew that and I bet you did too.
What else? white bread + real butter is crack. For real, I love bread with butter, just as much as I love a good brownie- if not more. I think.
So while I love that I'm not eating sugar, not eating it alone won't tackle this excess weight. And that is kind of the point. I've been having serious conversations with myself lately in the form of:
- How am I going to lose this weight?
- What am I willing to sacrifice/change in order to make it happen?
- Am I ready? (thanks to Roni for that one)
- Why is weight my struggle?
- And finally: WHY do I want to lose weight?
A lot of you comment/email me and mention how honest and candid I am, and I really try to keep that in my blog. I try to be as real and as honest with what I'm dealing with as possible (without totally embarrassing myself or my family) and I want to be more of that. Why?
Because I think there is a certain level of denial that goes into being a fat person. There are things I tell myself to make it okay. And why shouldn't I? I have to function in this world, and to constantly be "woah is me" about my weight can be a waste of time. Besides, who wants to hear it? I've realized that few people in life care as much about my weight as I do.
I make an effort in my real life to not put myself down about my weight. I don't play the "I'm so fat" "I have no willpower" "I'll never be thin" "I'm off the wagon--again" card with anyone. I used to, in college, but I'm too old for that now. Nor do I praise those who seem to be effortlessly thin.
I say this all to say: denial is a big word. It's huge, and it means something different to everyone. So I'm asking myself lately to really dig deep:
What am I telling myself to make this lifestyle okay?
How do I justify sabotage?
How do I explain eating four thousand calories in a day?
I don't have immediate, easy, or uncomplicated answers for these questions. I'm not even sure there is one answer to them. What I do know is this: I sabotage myself out of fear. Fear of greatness. Fear of accomplishment. Fear of what other people will think. Fear that bad things will happen once I lose weight.
Illogical fear, that right now, I cannot explain. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George says to his therapist :"God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy." Therapist: "I thought you didn't believe in God?" George: "I do for the bad things." It's as crazy as that. For some reason I believe that I'm not worth caring for myself on that level. And as I type this, I know that is very silly and in my case George's God would be me.
This is what I came up with:
How am I going to lose my excess weight? According to those often debated BMI charts I need to weigh somewhere between 108-145 lbs. The 108 made me laugh. I have no interest in weighing 108 lbs. I haven't weighed that since I was in 4th grade. This means that I need to lose 160 pounds to be in a normal weight range for my body.
And according to the basal metabolic calculators I need to eat (at my current weight) about 1,700 calories a day with 5-6 days of exercise a week to lose a minimum of two pounds a week. And those are the mathematics of it all. I've discussed this here before.
But how do I make this happen? The answer leads me to...
What am I willing to sacrifice/change in order to lose weight? This is a good question and one that I've avoided answering for a long time. Making my weight loss a priority rather than an option is one mental shift I need to change. I want to lose weight, that is a given, but I'm not willing to do it by eating foods I don't love, that is also a given. But what I have to understand and implement in my life is that I don't need so much food to be a healthy, functioning adult. I don't have to eat 100 calorie packs of popcorn for lunch to be thin. I don't have to skip meals, drink diet soda, eat frozen meals or drink meal replacement shakes to lose weight.
But I do have to plan. I do have to be prepared. I do have to compromise and stop believing that I deserve to eat so much food instead of feeling pain. That is something that I need to come to terms with.
My next answer touches on the Am I ready? question. Am I ready to plan my meals out the day before? Am I ready to stop bringing trigger foods into the house? Am I ready to make dinner even if it's easier to order pizza? Am I ready to take care of myself on days when it's hard to get out of bed? Am I ready to choose the smaller portion? Am I ready not to give in to any desire to overeat? Am I ready to take the time to count calories? Am I ready to keep a journal? Am I ready to become a healthier person? Am I ready to believe I deserve to become this person? Am I ready to exercise even when I'm tired or too busy?
Up until now...I don't think I was ready. I know I wasn't ready, or I'd be there. I would have done this. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to eat whatever I wanted in the amounts that I wanted and still be thin. I wanted to make few changes if any at all. I wanted to rely on a diet or a program to change me. I wanted to just buy the book, or the exercise dvd or the gym membership. I wanted the results, but I did not want to change my actions the get them.
Why do I want to lose 160+ pounds?
I truly, truly want to know what it's like not to be fat. Not to feel overweight, not to squeeze my thighs into chairs. I want to know what it feels like to make this happen.
I want to be accepted into a health care plan. Right now, I would be denied and I couldn't afford it. I've tried.
I want to get pregnant and not be fearful. I don't want to be fat and pregnant. I don't want to worry about a c-section, or being a high risk pregnancy. I don't want to be exposed on the table in front of people at this weight. The thought is absolutely terrifying.
I want to be a better wife. My husband deserves a healthy wife- long term. He deserves to not worry about me having a stroke, cancer or heart attack when I'm in my 50's.
I want to be able to run for three miles without having to stop and walk. Or having my feet go numb.
I want to go to the doctor and not have the weight talk. I want to go to the doctor and not have everything be about my weight. Like the time I had an ingrown toenail and the nurse practitioner was convinced it was because I was pre-diabetic. I wasn't, I just needed the toenail removed.
So there you have it. I'll be back tomorrow. It's time to make this happen...
Hugs, dear friend.
This “looking deep inside” is hard stuff.
I’m cheering for you.
#1 – You are an awesome person and fabulous blogger. Thank you for sharing your story.
#2 – You totally expressed something I have been feeling when it comes to weight, fitness, and pregnancy. My husband and I are starting to think about thinking about starting a family and it really does scare me, for many of the same reasons you state. I want to be prepared and fit for pregnancy. It has really made me get serious about my fitness and weight. I still struggle but I have made some changes. I am much more serious about my exercise (gotta get ready for labor) and I have been trying to fuel myself with healthier foods.
I guess I just want you to know that there are other women who share your concerns… and I’m thankful that you have been so open and honest.
I’m overdue for my mammogram, because I just can’t face the scale in my GYN office at my annual check-up, and the lecture that always follows about my spiraling-out-of-control weight…I’m tired of being heavy because it keeps me from where I want/need to be in terms of my health…it’s time for me to take control as well, and for the first time in a long while, I feel encouraged. The blog community is helping. Thanks for sharing.
Loved this post for so many reasons! You’re so insightful, Lorrie. Your posts always mean so much to me!
Oh and I agree that bread and butter are crack. I love to cook and really want a bread machine but I refuse to buy one because I know I’ll spend way too many days, making bread and butter and eating the whole loaf in one sitting. I love making my own butters too, like sweet or savory compound butters…OMG, to die for! Oh, now I’m making myself hungry. Best to stop now while I’m ahead…
This is a great post, Lorrie, and it addresses the things that I think many people struggle with and never realize that’s why they’re not succeeding. For me, the biggest struggle was the “am I ready” and “am I willing” part. Until that clicked into place, it was a constant fight with myself.
Wish you nothing but the best.
Am I willing and ready… Those five words mean more than any dictionary can describe, especially when addressed to life changes. Because that is what you are tackling right now; am I willing to change the person I have been and am I ready to see who this person becomes? Thank you for sharing. It reminds me that I’m not alone in this struggle.
You’re right, being ready and willing to make a change is so very important. I can’t remember how many times I stopped and started weight loss programs only to give up for so many reasons, but it really came down to not being ready. Thank you for your insightful words.
Great post. I need to think about a lot of these questions myself. Thank you for being so honest.
this was so good. i had the am i ready talk with myself back in april. its been up and down since then, but I have lost over 30 lbs. Slow and steady. I know a lot of my friends who have done “quick fix” diets, but they are always miserable. I’ve tried, and I am just as miserable. I also realize that my weight loss isn’t going to be something that I accomplish and forget about. It is going to be a forever journey, a lifestyle change. So my key to weight loss is moderation. Yes, I eat some not-so-diet foods once in awhile. I enjoy food, but it has to be in moderation. You can TOTALLY do this. I started running awhile back and it would take me nearly 20 minutes to do a mile. I can now push myself and do it at around 12-13 minutes. Small steps! You are doing great!
WOW! I am in awe of your post. When we get the idea in our head to lose weight we don’t look honestly at the “why” and if we do the answers are usually based on our egos, at least this has been true for me. I have been thinking recently about setting new goals for myself. After reading this I am going to reevaluate and ask myself the question “why do I want to achieve this goal”. Thank you for your posts they really make me think about the deeper meaning of things.
Long time reader, first time commenting
I think you bring up a lot of good points here…especially the part about being ready. Over the years, many people (doctors, physical therapists and my parents (a whole ‘nother issue right there)) had told me to lose weight, but their words (especially the hurtful words of my parents) just made me keep eating and eating. When I finally decided to lose weight, it was a decision that I made for myself and one that I took years to finally be ready for.
I lost nearly 35 pounds, only to gain 15 of it back over the summer, fall and winter…it’s only just now that I’ve finally dug myself out of the rut that I’d gotten into. Again, it was something that I had to be mentally ready for. I just replaced all of the food in my fridge with better options and discovered that if I tracked everything with WW, there was indeed still room in my points budget to eat cheesy potatoes (YUM!). There was even cake at work today and I was able to act normally around it and eat a small slice instead of the very large portion that I’d normally take.
My motivation for this weight loss round comes from a few sources – mainly, I realized how much better I feel when I eat healthily – clearer minded, happier, and more self confident. Interestingly, these things don’t hinge on weighing less per se (although it is nice to fit back into my favorite pair of jeans), but rather the fact that my body is getting the nutrients it needs to feel awesome. I am also motivated my some weight-related health problems my parents are having and realizing that I need to follow my Weight Watchers plan and cook healthy meals for them (all of us, really) so that they’ll be able to eat healthily too. The more that I help myself in this respect, the more that I can help them.
AMEN Sister!! So inspiring
This week has been a huge struggle for me. I have asked myself those same questions. I find the hardest part being honest with myself about my situation. I was in such denial. Such denial. Things are improving and I appreciate you sharing.
Great post. I just addressed something similar this week, though far less eloquently… Important Q&A for assessing readiness to change.
Fantastic post. I need to have the same talk with myself and finally answer those questions honestly. Thanks for your writing.
It’s tough to have “the talk” with yourself, but I think you’re doing a good thing. I’m here to cheer and support you dude. XXOO.
You can do this, Lorrie! I am a long time reader and commenter. When I started my weight loss journey, I googled for motivational blogs to help me through every day. I’ve been following you for the past 6 months, and I’m the best health of my life. I’ve lost 30 pounds since I started reading. You are very inspiring. I want your blog to help you, as much as it helped me.
I know that having 30 pounds to lose is different than having 160 pounds to lose. And I know that it will be a very long journey, one that isn’t always fun. But all those reasons you listed, your husband, your future children, your own health and well-being…those are the best reasons in the world to get healthy! It’s not just about vanity. That’s why I know you can do it this time.
We are all here for you cheering you on!!
One Step at a time. Just do the best you can today and tomorrow is a new day. Great post
I guess the key to overcoming weight loss struggles is empowerment.
Empower yourself and be BOLD enough to ask yourself about EVERY SINGLE THING you put in mouth, “Will this get me to where I want to be?”
Or do I need to take myself away from it (for just awhile) to teach myself that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, that the cravings for those foods are REALLY just cravings, and I can feed myself the very best choice of food, when I am really hungry and not ever feel guilty about it.
With that being said, if you don’t set yourself up for the challenge of the “very best thing for my body” mindset, you’ll begin overeating other things, as you’ve seen with your sugar experiment.
Take care of yourself.
Cheering for you!
I love reading your blogs. It’s crazy, how I just had this same talk with myself the first of this week & then I came upon your page.
And everything that you have wrote, is almost identical to how I’ve been feeling or thinking.
I’ve been battling my weight my whole life. And in the last 8 yrs was diagnosed with PCOS. (Which makes it even harder to lose weight!) But I have decided that I need to take control of PCOS not let PCOS control of ME!!
I have your page bookmarked now & will be checking in daily. Also, I wanted to say “THANK YOU!!” You REALLY are a inspiration to me!! WE CAN DO THIS!!! WE DESERVE THIS!!!
Wow, I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be uninsurable. Do you know how much weight you’d have to lose to be eligible? Would demonstrating weight LOSS help, or just being below a BMI of 40? Do you have a way to keep on track with your health while uninsurable? I know of people at lower BMI’s who are already battling diabetes – but that relies on their getting regular blood profiles to know they’re (pre)-diabetic. Have you gotten a blood lipid profile in the last year?
reading blogs to get some perspective on my weight “issues” I am also 160lbs overweight (according to BMI and all the accepted criteria, etc) I feel bad all the time. My knees hurt, my back. I am out of breath. My clothes are ugly on me. I hate looking at pictures of me. I feel embarrassed inside when I am with my friends and intimate with hubby. My job as an staff RN is harder every day! My weight makes me sad.
I also feel sad when I feel I cant eat what I want! I start eating healthy but always blow it because I get depressed when I dont feel like I can join in at the party with cake, or chocolate, or crab cakes with sauce or whatever the food and whatever the occasion. I am 45 years old, perimenopausal, have 4 teenage boys, lost both parents over the last 2 years, going back to school for my master’s degree in nursing and work a very high energy and stressful job at the hospital. Eating what I want seems to be the only thing I have total control over in my life. One more restriction and it seems I will go over the edge. I need help understanding all of this…because I do so much desire to be thin, or at least a healthier weight! 
This was an amazing post that I really felt that I could relate to in so many ways. I couldn’t help but crack up laughing at the going to the dr. part, and everything revolving around your weight. I only find it funny because I go through the same thing with my dr. feeling the need to turn everything back to my weight, and I feel that if I don’t laugh a little about it, I’ll cry. lol.
Those are wise introspective observations. You so often write what I am thinking of in my own life. I decided this year I won’t diet because dieting doesn’t work. But I want to lose weight, so I tracked my calories and I was eating way more every day than I realized. So many of us are in the same boat with you. May we all reach success.
I absolutely love this post…denial is a strong subject among us overweight people and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with pretty much everything you said. I just loved this post! Good luck in getting your weight off babe, facing your issues and really thinking about them means you’re taking that step to realsiing what you need to do, and you can do it!!
http://www.thatgirllooksamazing.com
Mavra xx
This is the best post that I’ve read on your blog in a long time.
The fact that you’re willing to be honest with your readers about your thoughts is really great and it’s part of the process of figuring out what will work for you.
Good luck on your journey.
Wow this is a wonderfully honest post, and I am loving my first trip to your blog! I am just starting my own fitness journey and can so relate to every single thing you said. I hope to follow along, and maybe we can encourage each other! I have about the same amount to lose…
thanks for sharing, lorrie. i have 160 lbs to lose as well (well, 125-130 now) and have asked myself the same questions. until august of this year, i wasn’t ready, but it finally just cliked: i’m done with this. i don’t need it anymore.
know that you have a whole host of people who are cheering you on and wishing you all the best and sharing in your struggle – me included.
(just thought this might help)
I think questioning yourself, especially if you think you are in denial about something, is a great first step. But what I didn’t realise until recently is that it’s not always that you’re capable of doing something just by admitting you were avoiding it, sometimes you genuinely aren’t aware of what you need to change. I thought I was, but I wasn’t. And when I did become aware I was suddenly able to lose weight after all previous attempts had failed!! Are you sure you have all the knowledge you need?
Let me give you my example. I genuinely thought I knew about “the math” as you put it, about what was healthy and what was not, and so on. I tried abiding by these rules but did not lose any weight and instead became frustrated. The only thing I could think of that was going wrong was me: I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough when I exercised, I was looking for results too soon, etc etc. In the end I gave up.
Then I spent a month this summer living with a host family. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences I’ve ever had. I suddenly realised that what I thought was a normal portion size (less than what I’d usually eat) was actually still a ridiculously big portion size. And what’s more, when I started to eat this hugely reduced portion size, I realised that I wasn’t getting hungry! Another thing: what I thought were healthily balanced meals actually contained way way too many starchy products like bread and pasta and cereals and nowhere near enough things like vegetables and fish and nuts (which I’d kinda dismissed as being useful if you can be bothered but not really necessary). And how about butter?! I’d NEVER realised how many calories there are in dried fruit! Or butter!! And they’re so easy to cut down on! I still enjoy toasted buttered bagels now and then, but I no longer put butter in my sandwiches and I can’t even notice the difference!
One last thing: I cut sweets, cakes, biscuits, chocolate and so on out of my diet. I love them, but now I just have them on special occasions. I think it’s helped me hugely in my weight loss. But a year or so ago I wasn’t ready to do that. That’s how I know I actually wanted to lose weight this time round.
I love your post. Don’t we all wish we had magic answers or magic pills to help us feel good, loose weight, and be healthy. It’s a constant stuggle, this weight loss war. I’ve been on most every “diet” known to man and I’m just tired of it all. I do eat fairly healthy, but just can’t seem to get anywhere unless I go to extremes. I’ve put on 25 pounds since summer – my life is chaos – I work 40+ hours a week in a high stres management position and I’m going to school full time at night. It’s hard to find time to exercise, much less plan meals – I find I mostly just grab whatever is easy. I’m in my early 40′s and probably perimenopausal. I’ve got to do something soon or I’m afraid it’s going to get much, much worse. Thanks for sharing with us.
Hi there,
I was wondering where you’re based please? I work in PR and may have a product which you may be interested in reviewing as part of your weight loss challenge.
If you’re able to email me on the email provided then that would be great.
Many thanks,
Lisa
Lorrie,
I just want to say that you are truly an inspiration to me. Though of course you should do everything you can to be as healthy as possible, I think you’re beautiful, and I want to feel just as beautiful and accept myself the same way. I also need to follow your wise guidance and do everything I can to change my eating habits for the better. I am not overweight in the slightest. Rather, I suffer from anorexia and am working hard to eat properly and be the healthiest person I can be, regardless of what size that it. I finally reached the coveted size 0 and believe me, no one cares about my tiny pants size when they see that I’m fading away. To all of you lovely people trying to lose weight as well, always remember that it does not matter your size so long as you are healthy. Health is the most beautiful feature a person can have. Take care of yourselves.
HI….
I happened to stumble upon your blog because I also desire to know what it would be like to wake up and not be fat. I want to feel clothes that do not come from the plus size section of the store. I also share your wish to lose the excess weight before trying to conceive. I wish you success this year. I also wish success for me.
However, my plan is not to count calories or keep a journal to figure out every bite that finds its way into my mouth. My hope is that this year that I fill my life up with so much activity and time spent doing things that I love that I forget to eat. For about 20 years my life has revolved around food. Cooking it, eating it, and even watching it on TV. My 2011 resolution is to free myself from this obsession and put my attention on things that I love doing. Shopping, gardening, walking in beautiful parks…..even sex!
So to sum it up, I guess my goal is to actually start living and stop couch potatoing…
Let me know what you think and I look forward to your future posts.
I’ve been reading off and on for about two years (I think?) but I don’t think I’ve ever commented. Just wanted to say that I really appreciate how honest you are with your ups and downs, and how much headwork you’re putting into all of this- it will pay off!
I wanted to say, also, that the reason white bread and butter call you as much as brownies is because white bread may as well be sugar, with the way it interacts with your body- it’s stripped of its fiber and most of its vitamins, and your body reacts to it much like it does sugar. Since you’re so committed to this no sugar thing, now that you’re coming off the 3 weeks of a bit of freedom everywhere else, you might want to try switching to only 100% whole wheat, no sugar added, as well as only brown rice, etc, and see how that helps you. Best of luck during this part of your journey!
Lorrie,
Thank you for this post. I’ve read it over a few times as it feels like an entry that would belong in my own journal. Thank you for honestly addressing these fears that so many of us have, but are never able to express them.
you make a great point about why people sabotage themselves whether it’s about weight, success etc. It is so easy to hide behind our fear. And sometimes safer. But just for a minute focus on the possibility of “what if……..anything was possible”. What if you made a different choice, a better choice, and got a glimpse of the possibilities of who you can be, and who you want to be.
Don’t let the fear and the sabotage win. Focus on the end result. see yourself and the possibilities and maybe that will lead you down the right path.
I have been lurking for some time now. This post sure struck a cord with me. I understand so many of your feelings. I started back eating healthy a little over a week ago. I am going to Weight Watchers. In the past it is the only plan I have lost weight on and the zero fruits and veggies helped me to decide to go back. Honestly this week has been amazing! I lost 4.8 pounds and am down 3 more since weigh in Saturday.
Do I struggle still? Sure! But I am taking it one day at a time reminding myself hourly sometimes of why I am doing this. I was watching TV Sunday morning and it was an inspiration speaker about making changes in your life. Something came up about if you don’t start today then a couple of years down the line you will be in the same spot. The words really spoke to me. I keep reminding myself of the years I have let pass by where I didn’t do this. I made excuse after excuse. This time though I don’t want to wake up in 2 years the same weight. It is time to do it!!!
Good luck to you. I really love your honesty!
It’s not easy, but when you’re really ready, it’s a whole lot easier.
It took me three years to really be ready, but when I finally was, I wondered what had taken me so long. But, until I was really ready, there was no way I could even have started, much less succeeded.
Another thing about being really ready is that the foods you want will change: I don’t want three desserts any more (yes, three. I earned every ounce of the weight I had to lose!). I don’t want big portions any more. I don’t over-eat now out of fear I might be hungry later (a bad habit I developed because of a chaotic work schedule I had at a previous job).
I don’t resent eating less and eating certain things less frequently: I don’t think of it as “not being able to eat what I want, when I want, in the quantity I want” . . . because I can. Except that what I want now is not what I wanted when I couldn’t lose weight.
Just found your blog with a “fat girl running” google search. I am in the same fat boat trying to make changes. Thanks for sharing. It always helps me to remember I am not the only one going through this. Good Luck to you!
Hi!
It was very nice reading ur blog. Ur words touched me and i must say i feel the same way.
2 weeks ago i started to go on a diet. Im 25 and my weight was 83kilos when i started , now i am in 80 kilos. But the hardest part is to continue , i have started diets like 3 times before and i always have this positive mood about completing the diet but i always fail and never complete. My best wishes for u and ur diet.
Thank you for this entry. These are the questions we all need to consider carefully and honestly with ourselves. I appreciate your openness and it helps me think about my own reasons for the years I have cycled with my weight, sabotaging each success.
Thanks
I think you just made me want to blog and the scary part is I feel better knowing there is someone out there that thinks or feels some of the same ways as I do. I want to start something and commit but don’t know where to start and my life does not seem to organized right now. Its so overwhelming. Keep going girl, you are a testimony for others! I am proud of you.