JUST KIDDING! Or so it seems...

As you all know, I flew to Chicago on Thursday via United Airlines. I hate flying. I really do. The hustle of it, the taking off my shoes and jacket, clearing my bags of all liquids, waiting for hours in an airport, sitting in a cramped plane smelling fumes and worrying about not being able to breath, but I do it because I like to go places.

I am fat and because of my weight this adds an extra layer of fear and reservation about flying. Will I fit? Will I squish the person next to me? Will someone be offended by my weight? What if I need a seat belt extender?

I've been flying to and from NYC through continental and American Airlines and have never not been able to buckle my seat belt even at my highest weight. It is tight and cramped, but I manage.

This time was different... I get right on the United flight and sit beside an equally large man who happens to carry majority of his weight in his belly region.

Not me. I am hippy, and butty and have a shelf that you could eat dinner on. I sit down and the struggle begins. I start sweating, my hands are starting to burn from the force of trying to cram the two pieces of metal together. I hoped that shear will would make it buckle. It just isn't happening- I needed 3 more inches. My face is red, and I am contemplating using my scarf as a hiding device.

Looking back, I would have used my scarf. It was a small plane and really if we were plummeting hundreds of miles into the earth would it really save me? But, my conscious gets the best of me. I start fearing that they have tracking devices up front to see who has and who hasn't buckled, so I take a deep breath and timidly raise my hand.

The flight attendant walks towards me. I can do this, I keep repeating. She is getting closer and I'm sure I'm going to suffocate as the plane seems to be getting smaller. She is now a foot away and I point to my seat belt and my inability to buckle it.

And do you know what she says? Are you ready for this?

YOU CAN'T FIT IN YOUR SEAT?!?!

Me stunned, what? yes, I just can't buckle the belt.

YOU CAN'T BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELT?

No. (obviously)

WELL YOU CAN'T FLY WITH US!

are you serious? I need to get to chicago.

NO YOU HAVE TO GET OFF THE PLANE! COME UP FRONT.

I sit there, just staring at her. The entire plane stares at me. She stands there waiting what seems like a million minutes. I don't budge. And then she says

I'M JUST KIDDING, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I type that in caps, because she was loud and obnoxious. The entire plane was looking at me. I mean, who wouldn't watch this play out? No one around me got the joke and I swear the stares were of sympathy rather than judgment (mostly.)

If this was three years ago, I don't think I would have made it mentally through the whole weekend in Chicago without replaying this situation in my head a thousand times and dreading my flight home. But, I just dealt with it and kept my head up on the way to Chicago.

The thing is, is that I get that I am fat, I get the too fat to fly stuff, but really? Did it need to happen like this? United Airlines has been in the media recently about their treatment of fat people flying, is this their new protocol? Embarrass the shit out of your fat customers so they are too ashamed to fly again?

(there could have not been a better location for a 5k at 8am)

What is it about BlogHer09 that wiped me clean of energy for three days? I'm not kidding, today is the first day since I've returned that I felt somewhat back to normal sleep and energy-wise.

How was BlogHer09? For me, it was hugely fun, touching, and re-energizing. I left the Roanoke airport Thursday evening and arrived two hours later in Chicago (slightly disheveled, that story is coming...) I met up with Krissie and Fat Bridesmaid in the bar and we had our first drink of the weekend together, luggage in tow. I was already spotting familiar faces, but still feeling too weird to actually approach anyone.

(krissie, me and miranda at the 5k. i was sweating the entire time, that's how i roll)

Friday morning we met up with 50 other women for a 5k along the shore, and spent the rest of the day at BlogHer09. Conferences, introductions, and way too much free stuff. Despite some of the negative feedback from BlogHer I have to say along with the others who enjoyed it, is that you get what you put into it. If you go negative, it will be. That said, for me, it was highly positive.

It was so exciting to be around women who get the same thing out of blogging as I do. Not only the therapy of writing, but the energy and drive I've gotten from reading other blogs. I started reading around my fourth year of college and mostly craft/design blogs. These were women who were not handed titles by their employer or college degree, they were who they made themselves and I found that greatly encouraging in a time when I was ready to leave college.

(Roni, Miranda and Krissie in the expo room)

Blogging has alowed women (and men) to become self-made, you can truly be whoever you want to be through your blog. This isn't to say making up false-truths about yourself, but simply exploring the unexplored and sharing it through your blog. If you love to cook, but never went to school for it? No problem. If you are sharing this experience with other people and learning, then in my book you have created your own space where you are a cook.

(that's me posing with mrs. potato head, we both love hats!)

You can create a place to share recipes, showcase your artwork, sell your graphic design, tell your stories that may otherwise never have been heard. For me, blogging is one of the best ways to "stick it to the man" you are who you make yourself. You have total control over where you are headed, and for me I just don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for writing in and reading blogs on a daily basis. I'd be much more boring, I know that for sure.

(krissie and miranda!)

Blogging has made me more confident in my abilities. Despite my rampant grammar/spelling/typo errors I still get emails from people telling me that they like my writing. But, I'm not a writer. I'm a writer, because I write. Blogging has made me a better cook, a better dresser, a better communicator and has opened the window to friendships I would not have had otherwise. Blogging has made me feel human and real despite feeling insignificant for most of my life due to my weight. I have explored and become more adventurous because "this would be awesome to blog about!" and has given me a way to make a little money when I had none.

This is why BlogHer excites me. What is not to love about a hotel full of women making something of themselves, expressing themselves and creating communities where there weren't any?

I shared a room with Krissie and Fat Bridesmaid, two girls that I've met through this blog. I've only met up with them once or twice before and you'd think we were friends for years. I met Cammie and Merry and AJ. It was so weird putting a face to a blog and the friendliness of meeting people you've never met, but yet knowing their story is surreal and comforting. I met Roni, which for me, was a highlight. I've been following her blog for years and she could not have been anymore as I imagined: energetic, down-to-earth, hilarious and authentic. I briefly met MizFit at the 5k and she was exactly as I imagined: fit, beautiful, and unapologetically herself. I saw Pasta Queen at the cheezburger party and stared at her because she was stunning. Like mind boggling stunning. My staring was creepy, but home girl glows.

And finally I can't leave out my brief encounter with the Pioneer Woman. There she was in the lobby with Marlboro man, Bill and her two sons. A fan was already chatting her up so I just stood there five feet away wondering what I could possibly say to this woman who has legions of followers on the internet? I stared at her, she stared at me, I looked away and she kept chatting with a lady about tractors. I  chickened out six times and would not have done it if Krissie and FB weren't there inching me closer over to her.

She is tall and lovely and I loved her laugh. I've read about her tendency to be agoraphobic, so I didn't want to be the reader who pushed her over the edge, making her never want to go out in public again. I can't say that didn't happen as I stammered in her presence and called myself a "stalker", who says that? I wanted to tell her that I love that she loves living in the country even though she lived in LA. How, I love living in the country even though I lived in NYC. Oh and how making every single one of her recipes does not help me in achieving a former token fat girl status. Needless to say, I got a photo with her and BlogHer09 was complete.  Eating at Wish Bone was up there too. And laughing at silly commercials and made-up jokes and shopping and well you get the picture.

(PW and Me. Don't tell anyone I considered framing this, k?)

I'll be there next year in New York (hoorah) with an extra tote bag this time.

I'm leaving out for the windy city today around 5:30 and managed to score a direct flight from Roanoke. This means it will take a little over an hour to get there.yeahhh

I'll be sharing a room with Krissie and Fatbridesmaid Miranda! 5k on Friday morning, followed with a day of conferences, saturday is chicago visiting and sunday I'll be flying back. I have to admit, I've been in the sand about this whole blogher thing. I heard about it, and thought "oh, i should go", bought a ticket, got a plane ticket and that has pretty much been my involvement with thisactivity . I had no idea who would actually be there until two days ago and never thought that I may know anyone via the blogging community. I still don't know if I do or will.

What should i expect? When I tell people in my everyday life that I'm going to a "blogging convention" I get a similar look (what I would imagine) if I said I was going to a star trek convention. When you spend a chunk of your life involved in something other than work, sleep, eating, socializing etc. it kind of puts you in another category of people.  Like putting miniature ships into a bottle, learning to speed talk, training for a triathlon, or raising sheep dogs.

I've looked this week into common BlogHer worries and they are all similar: what to wear, what to do, will anyone like me, how do i talk to people? And realized that if we are all worried about the same thing then I have nothing to worry about.

I just wonder: is there a group for weight loss bloggers? Am I in this group? How will I know where to go? Are there people reading my blog going to blogher?

OK off to finish getting ready, see you on Sunday with photos!

We've made it to week four of our 5k training and thought I'd document the walk with photos:

Here they are, as promised, I got the final prints this past week from the lovely Allison Sullivan, photographer of our wedding. I could not have been more pleased with the results. She put them in a giant album for us, gave us a zipdrive and even posted them on facebook.

I'm writing a quick post between stuffing clothes, books and housewares into bags to take to the local thrift store. I've needed to do this for awhile and there is a good chance that I am missing a lot today. I'm trying to make a new ritual of going to the thrift shop to donate rather than to bring home at least once a month.

I'm asking myself "do i feel good when i wear this?" and realizing that I have sooo many clothes and stuff that I don't need and doesn't even make me feel good having it/wearing it. I also noticed on a gross note, that I have some underwear/bras that I've been wearing for a very long time. That needs to change too.

Thanks for your comments/advice/support yesterday regarding my decision to try out not eating meat. Some folks in my life, well, you would have thought I said I was deciding something way more strict and complicated than "not eating meat" feels. I don't call myself a vegetarian, because I'm not. I'm not going to throw up if I find meat in my food, or make a huge deal about it. I find that, in general I don't think meat adds a lot to my food and unless it is high quality it tends to take away from it.

Last night I made pancakes from scratch (yes pancakes, fat girl ate pancakes, please comment) and they were so good. And notably better than anything you could get from any pancake house. Why? I used high quality ingredients. That is how meat is for me, I don't see a point in eating it unless it is local/organic/ high quality. The thought of animal lots, and hormones and the brutal killings that happen in a lot of the cheap/low quality meat I consume seems, pointless.

I wish I had more of a lighthearted/funny tone to my writing because in my real life I'm silly and try not to take myself too seriously. I joke a lot, so I guess that is why I find it strange that I get such serious comments about the whims of who I am. I just don't care sometimes, I will try anything and don't have a lot of brain space to worry about judgment. I'm always up to trying new stuff, and figuring things out. Its a constant habit of mine. Yes, there are things I don't stick with, but I feel like challenging myself to do what isn't comfortable or easy is essential and fun.

It just annoys me because I know I will get comments like "why are you eating processed foods when you are giving up meat?" "fat people tend to eat more carbs and sugar when they don't eat meat" "you are fat, you should only eat raw food" "are all of your foods organic?" "stop eating and you won't be fat"

I don't mind it, I just kind of regard it in the same way I do when my mom (hi mom!) reminds me to do really obvious stuff like wearing a coat when it's snowing, or paying my bills on time. As a fat person, I have read more about food, nutrition, exercise, dieting, calories, weight lifting and weight loss than more thin people have.

It's not like I'm saying in here daily I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM FAT. Because, oh, I do. I don't blame my fatness on genes or a slow metabolism, and never have. I love comments and I will approve every single one of them regardless of content (unless you have a spam blog) so keep em' coming. I find it totally weird that I even get comments in the first place. People are reading?

I did an interview with Weight Watchers Australia and wanted to share:

What made you set up a blog about your weight loss experience?

I started blogging around November 2006, a couple of months after moving to NYC. When I arrived I weighed anywhere between 315 and 320 lbs. I don’t know the exact number because I had a hard time finding a scale that would give me a number instead of an error sign.

New York is a walking city and it wasn’t long after I moved there that I dropped 20 lbs. and decided that I wanted to share my story.

How has the success or popularity of that blog grown since it started? How many hits per day or people reading your blog in an average day or month?

I’ve been blogging for about 2 ½ years now and I’ve gone from 500 unique visitors a week to about 13,000 a week. Companies are finding me now. I’ve been asked to review diets, books, products, food, and even audition for weight loss shows. I will admit that I have a tendency to “check-out” of blogging for a bit and then come back in with renewed excitement which isn't always the best route for successful blogging. I know what it takes to have a popular blog, it’s just a matter of doing it. You have to care enough about wanting a popular blog and that drive will make it happen. However, being popular has never been a goal of mine.

What do you think are the benefits of blogging for people who want to lose weight?

They say that one of the best things you can do to lose weight is to find a network of support and that is what blogging does. I’ve found that my blog has helped with accountability and not giving up. I’ve not been a huge weight loss success, but I’ve lost weight and I keep going. Writing about your experience helps me to grow, pinpoint weight loss patterns and allows me to go back and learn from my past mistakes.

Are there any potential downsides to it?

For me, having so many people read my blog can be a little strange. I’m very open about my feelings and tend to go through waves and moods just like anyone else, however, if my mom or a friend were to read about a bad day, they may feel like I need counseling or want to talk about it. Writing helps me to release feelings and emotions; it allows me to move on from a situation. Chances are, if I've written about it, then I'm already over it.

What has been some of the highlights of the blogging experience for you?

Blogging gives me an outlet and a way to connect with people I may not have otherwise ever met in "real life". I used to get really embarrassed about people knowing how much I weigh or even knowing about my issues with food. And now, I hold nothing back. My weight does not cause shame or embarrassment, which for me was always connected with denial. I’m able to face problems head-on in a way I never was able to before. I get emails every day, mostly from women who thank me just for writing candidly about the struggle to lose weight. My blog has given me a source of confidence despite being the “token fat girl”.

What do you feel you've got out of blogging and what do you feel your blog site gives to other people?

I feel like my previous answer sums up what I get out of blogging. My biggest hope would be for my blog to let overweight people know that despite their weight, they can live their lives exactly how they want to at any weight. I want to lose weight for my health and to not feel so out of place, but I still function in society. I am happily married, make a living doing what I love, go hiking, take classes and enjoy life. I feel that we eat to substitute for happiness, love and fulfillment which causes us to distance ourselves even more from our needs causing a cycle where we are constantly trying to fill a void with food. When we allow ourselves to live the way we dream, regardless of the number on the scale then we regain control over the direction of our lives. When I put myself in the front seat of my life, overeating often takes a back seat.

What has been the feedback you've received about the blog that has shown you how effective it is?

I get positive feedback on blog entries and in very personal, heartfelt emails. This has shown me the power of words and their ability to reach people despite distance and cultural differences. Technology has had a way of distancing us, but also bringing us together in a way that has never before happened. When I meet people from my blog they are meeting a dynamic person with layers and complexities, not just the outside personality that we show someone upon our first meeting.

Any tips for our magazine readers who are thinking of blogging about their weight loss journey?

Make it work for you. If you are a computer person who frequents the internet, blogging can be a great way to document your weight loss efforts. You can write about your day, share what meals you’re eating, show progress pictures, celebrate weight loss and find a network of support.

Leave comments on other blogs. This is the best way to find new readers and add to your network of support. Create accountability with your readers. Blog your daily menu with pictures, show a picture of yourself at the gym, start blog challenges with your friends, and find your own unique voice to share your journey.

I just had my first massage, oh, about 30 minutes ago. It went on for an hour and a half and I've never felt more relaxed, more calm or more complete. I feel feather weight and shielded.

Massages have been high on my list of things I wasn't doing because of my weight. Not anymore. Every roll, lump, crease, was massaged. Every muscle moved, and brought back. I was naked under a sheet and could have cared less. My feet weren't smooth, my polish chipped, my legs haphazardly shaved. Who cares?

I'm a new woman. I have entered the world of massage, there is no looking back. This was a gooood wedding gift.

Relaxed.

I've been enjoying the health care discussion on the comments. I like discussion, it's healthy, even if heated.

What else? I'm giving up meat.

This has been a long time coming. I can't say I won't miss it, especially the slow roasted and local stuff, but I can't ignore what I feel much longer. Each and every time I cook meat, I feel...remorse, sadness and unhealthy about it. When we walk, we pass the cows, and I really enjoy them. I like talking to them and staring in their eyes and don't think "wow, I bet you taste good" i think "wow, its a shame I've been eating you".

We have chickens. We had seven and now three. Something else got to them, how could I be sad about it when I have chicken in the freezer? I notice that when I eat, it isn't the meat I am ever really enjoying. It is everything around it. I'm not ready to give up fish/eggs. Although feel more conflicted about where they come from than anything else.

I look at all of the fish when I got to food lion, it is all from Chile or Vietnam. That couldn't be good for me. I am only buying local farm eggs and take the occasional dozen from the lady at work so those are things I don't feel bad about health wise.

Its just weighing on my mind for awhile and I feel like I've been denying and pushing away from my feelings about it because they weren't comfortable or familiar. What would life be like without meat? Sure, if starvation was the option, I would eat meat. But, that isn't the case in my life right now, obviously.

Meat that I feel good about eating is hard to come by. No one is eating meat that is raised locally and who knows what they are eating or what the process is. This is just one small change I'm willing to make.

Relaxed.

woah. Yes, that actually was a comment in my last post. I don't have a specific reason why I haven't posted, but I don't really feel like I need one either. I'm child-like sometimes, I didn't want to, so I didn't. As it happens, now I have a ton of stuff that I want to blog about and feel like it, so here I am.

I have a hard time with sticking with anything, so the fact that I have been blogging (if somewhat inconsistently) for over two years is a feat within itself. It could be that I'm not at home 9.5 hours less than I was before two weeks ago. Or that I was experiencing major PMS last week and didn't want to do anything. I feel like it is OK to not blog for awhile without reason. Why not?

I was taking pictures though.

Salsa that I made over the weekend. Is there much better in the world than fresh salsa?

I've jumped on the green bandwagon! Who knew that a green smoothie would be so good and satisfying? I drank several of these last week in the morning. Green smoothie? Leafy green + fruit + water. Mine were usually made up of bananas, cherries and spinach.

July 4th was spent at the Floyd Fandango beer and wine fest. It was really fun and I loved trying out several types of wines and bringing a couple of bottles home. Dancing, food, wine, and beer.

I've been getting in the habit of bringing ingredients to work to make lunch with. I don't usually like to bring already prepared food and since we have a fully stocked kitchen here it makes food prep really nice. I love kidney beans in my salad! That little guy is a plum

Indian Food! Me and Josh went out this past Wednesday to see "Away We Go" which I really loved and Indian food for dinner.

Quorn! I finished my box of Quorn chik'n patties last week. Pretty good, for fake meat and nice for a quick lunch in a pinch. If you're not a fan of the real meat version of these patties, you probably won't like these. Very similar.

I don't know why I took a picture of this. I think I remember thinking it was pretty. Barbara's oat cereal.

So there you have it. We went walking the 3 miles on our road last night and I actually jogged and ran in short spurts without feeling like I was going to pass out. Baby steps!