Woah, getting married in eight days. Eight days until I marry my very favorite person in the whole world. Eight days until I do that in front of a lot of dear people and some we haven't seen in a very long time. The whole wedding thing is surreal to me, I'm marrying this person whom I met eight years ago and taking his last name. He was at one point a screen name. And now he is sleeping in the other room.

Me and Josh could go on and on about how weird things are. But, the truth is life in itself is really weird and that makes it cool too.

I didn't do my public weigh in although I've lost some weight. I think it would be nice to do a final pre-wedding weigh-in to cap off what I've been doing. I'm fluctuating a lot these days, I've been down to 267 and up to 275 and everywhere in between. I'm fine with that. And know what it takes to continue seeing the number go down.

Being in the mid-260's for the wedding would feel like an accomplishment, and a weight I could fly with a little less fear. It also reminds me of where I can continue to go through the summer. I've already started thinking of my summer weight loss goals and where I'd like to be in September. I think when we get back from London/Ireland (yay!!) I will start working on new blogher goals.

Thinking about being in the 250's for blogher is sooo exciting to me!

I haven't been perfect in this last week, I did a little stress eating and haven't exercised nearly as much as I would like. Those two things go hand in hand though. As the day gets closer I am looking at my to-do list which is filled with all the small details that will make our wedding day personal. The big stuff wasn't a problem. Have a dress made, buy a suit, get hair appointment scheduled, book a dj, find a photographer, schedule a place for the ceremony and reception. done, done and done.

Now, I'm left with stuff like favor boxes, the program, finishing corsages and boutonnieres, buying drinks, filling favor boxes, arranging flowers, coming up with a wedding play list, working on the ceremony schedule, making sure everyone knows the schedule of the day. My goal is to have everything in line by Wednesday so that I can spend the last few days before the wedding calm as a cucumber, or something like that!

I had a bunch of bananas left over from the  Tour de Floyd this weekend and couldn't figure out a way to use them. Of course, I wanted to make banana bread, but lets not kid ourselves here. I'd eat the whole loaf.

Instead I pulled out the food processor added one scoop of chocolate whey protein, two bananas, 8 oz. skim milk and about 6 pecan halves (I like the crunchy bits) and let it whirl. So good! It makes two servings at about 300 calories each. I love it, this is my new breakfast.

I need to exercise. I need to stop talking about needing to exercise too. That would be good, right? My plan is to go to the gym today while I'm out and about. Bringing my gym clothes. I've got my shuffle ready. Going to the gym. If I keep saying it, it will happen. Going to the gym.

Who is working out today? me!

PS: We/I need health care reform. Like millions of Americans I need health insurance. And no, I'm not someone who sucks money out of the government for any reason at all, yet I cannot get approved for health care because of a heart condition I had when I was three and because of my weight. One I have control over, the other I don't.

Consider that in your lifetime you could get terminally ill and your current health care provider will likely find as many loop holes as possible to get out of fully covering you. Also consider the amount of money businesses shell out every year for each insured employee, the rates are staggering. The health care companies do not want public health care because it threatens to weaken their multi-trillion dollar business.

They will try to install fear and manipulate us into us to keep us from wanting this reform, why wouldn't they?

Sen. Ben Nelson was recently quoted in CQ "Nelson's problem, is that the public plan would be too attractive and would hurt the private insurance plans. "At the end of the day, the public plan wins the game," Nelson said. Including a public option in a health plan, he said, was a "deal breaker."

So at the end of the day, the private health care companies are more important and valuable than the life and health of citizens? Nice.

If you believe in health care reform, please go here. All you have to do is sign an online petition.

I had one of my last meetings with Paula, my friend and dress maker yesterday. I hadn't had the dress in her house for over a week and when I tried it back on for the new sash she said "you've lost weight!" and its true I didn't even consider that the reason why the waist line had dropped was because of losing weight. That was obvious. She pinned it in the back and viola dress fits again.

I was really excited to find out that making the dress smaller wouldn't be a problem (something I've stressed about and possibly developed a stomach ulcer over in the past couple of months) and we even have a meeting the wednesday before the wedding for a final fitting. That gives me two weeks to really kick it into gear before we meet again. I really love the dress! It isn't a long dress, so red shoes would actually not be hidden under any layers of fabric. Still going to wear them for the photo shoot though. It's tea length, with a bit of lace peaking from under the outside layer. A gathered waist with a thick satin waist band that ties in the back. And a jacket.

I haven't exercised any this week for no absolute reason, but will get on that today.

What else? Oh yeah! I got a lot of fruit yesterday at the local store: strawberries, pears, grapes and kiwi. Plus some vegetables too.  I tried a raw asparagus yesterday, a vegetables I ruled out long ago after trying it in the school cafeteria. It tasted like urine. Not that I'm tasting urine, but the smell of urine. Raw, it was good and could imagine that steamed with olive oil or butter and salt and pepper would make this mystery vegetable very good. Weird. What else am I not experiencing?

I was talking to Josh yesterday about my love for food and comparing it to his love for music. He loves music, he hears music and is passionate about the process of making music. He gets very intense about the decline of popular music and very intense about the general populations seemingly lack of interest in good/interesting music. Get him started on American Idol, I dare you.

That is me with food. I get intense about the lack of food appreciation in the world. It makes me cringe that I used to consider Applebee's a good meal, or McDonald's an acceptable treat. When it comes down to it, there is nothing good about most of the food out there that we eat. It is made far away, in factories, filled with chemicals and calories we were never meant to eat. Yet, advertising tells us it's quick and easy and pretty so we succumb and go on about our lives never knowing where anything we eat comes from and the process it went through to get in our mouths.

Since really taking the time to learn how to cook, a process of trial and error since I was pretty young. { I once tried to make brownies in the microwave (a la' my moms 1980's microwave recipe card set), which would have been okay had I not used a plastic container to cook them in. I should say a container tha is not microwave safe. } I've really come to appreciate the process of food. Making it, flavoring it, enjoying it. Not just something reheated, unwrapped and packaged.

When I do inventory of the food I eat and have eaten in my life. It is safe to say that over 90% of what I've consumed has been processed, packaged or made very far away. I wish I were exaggerating. I find myself wanting to reverse this as I get older. When I ate that asparagus yesterday picked right from Paula's yard I realized that this was one food item in the long chain of my consumption that I actually knew where it came from and process of it's conception. I knew she wasn't out there every morning spraying chemicals on her vegetables or in her secret lab finding ways to inject fish dna to make her asparagus the biggest and prettiest ones in the super market.

When did we get to this point? When did it become okay to eat poison? Why do we stop caring about food and the true beauty of it? When did we lower our standards for the quality of food we eat so severely that it is killing us and making us dependent on our failing health care system? There must be a tie in all of this and our expanding waistlines, right?

Sigh. See? I told you I get intense about this. And not in a finger pointing "whats wrong with you all?!" sort of way because I'm in this too and I want out, but getting out doesn't happen overnight.

Oh! I'm famous! Not really. I volunteered this past weekend at the Tour de Floyd see if you can find me (and my soon to be sister in law) in the photos section. Like the NYC marathon that I watched right from the front of my apartment building in Brooklyn, I longed to be apart of this group. I wanted to work towards something and then be in it with all of these people. They make it look fun, yet hard. Is it true that you never forget to ride a bike? Geez, I haven't been on one in a very very long time. Do they make bikes that would support my weight? hmmm

I got up early this morning to tend to some girl business. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm a total slacker when it comes to a bazillion things. I let my legs go unshaven yet like to wear skirts, let my dry feet go unslothed for weeks, yet like to wear sandals. Let my toenails go ungroomed and overall just get by daily when it comes to beauty rituals. I'm on a need-to-do basis with myself and really would like that to change. At some point in my life.

Beauty wise the only things I stay on top of are my eyebrows, hair (generally speaking) and makeup.

There is a lesson in becoming more adult-like that involves doing things that you don't really want to do in the moment, but you feel good about and are good for you, rather than doing things that feel good in that moment and make you feel bad later. IE: overeating, not exercising and in general not taking care of yourself.

Any who, I'm not saying I need to be on top of my woman-hood in superficial ways to consider myself "taken care of", but I feel better and do better. To each her own, you know?

I figure on the road to the wedding date I would work on other outer layer feel good stuff to make me feel really good physically and mentally the day off and there after. This includes and is not limited to, getting a good fake tan going by then. Not a super dark, I spend all my time in a tanning bed tan, but a healthy glow. I don't do tanning beds, at least not since high school. And have been perfecting the art of lotion tans for years. I've got it to a fine science: Shave, exfoliate, moisturize dry areas, apply tanner, let dry, put on dark clothes before bed, wake up tan. Repeat.

I love Clarins for this, but neutrogena works nicely too. I'd like to say that I'm okay with rocking my paleness, but unlike Scarlet Johansson I do not pull it off well. I have varicose veins (yep, at 26), cellulite, and stretch marks. All of these things seem to somewhat dissipate with a little extra layer of darker skin.

More fruits and vegetables are in this look-better plan too. I keep reading how good skin looks with an intense regimen of regular fruits and veggies, but still only get around to a serving or two each a day. Right now we have some very brown bananas and few red apples around, but it needs to get more intense than that. I have a dress date today and plan to stop off at the local store and stock up and then eat and eat and eat. Nobody ever got fat from fruits and vegetables, right?

The next part of this plan is daily exfoliation and moisturizing. I hate putting on lotion even though my skin always looks better for it. The reason? I wear contacts and put on makeup after I shower, neither of those things go well with lotion-hands. The solution? Put contacts in -before- the shower. Wash hands before applying makeup. That was easy.

More exercise. Obviously. I need a schedule, as I've been too willy nilly about this. This is really truly the biggest key to looking and feeling better. No amount of makeup or self tanner can compare to the glow from exercise. Not to mention the extra lumps that disappear from exercise.

First things first, weigh-in!

Hoorah! Low 270's! I know you like my knitted socks...in May. It's actually really chili and rainy lately, which I'm really over. Rain, rain,  and more rain. I look at the forecast, guess what? rain. oh well.

So, I'm down this week and super happy to see 271.5 today. It goes back in forth between this number and 272.5 and I like both. Just happened to snap this shot when I grabbed my camera and dropped the lens cap, note at the top of the photo.

I have to say that losing weight this week is attributed to balancing out my meals and making mental notes of what I'm eating. I've exercised too this past week, but not as much as I would have liked. This week will be different though. I had a few treats here and there, but overall sticking to eating less.

Last night, while Josh was out grocery shopping I had a chance to try on my dress and really see how it looks. Every time that I've tried it on it has been as someone else's house with their mirrors. I put it over my head, tied the sash and put my red peep toe high heels on and really felt pretty. And now tempted to wear red heels with my dress haha. I have three weeks to get in better shape which is my goal. Not just to look good, but to feel good.

When I exercise I feel good and more confident. I have more energy and drive. I don't want to be sluggish on my wedding day or think "man, I wish I would have exercised more". I have that chance now to feel differently in three weeks as I walk down the aisle. Differently as I bucket the airplane seat belt. Those decisions are totally up to me.

Things are moving right along on the challenge express. That's corny, I'm sorry. Thanks for the shoe compliments! They arrived yesterday and instead of being Beige, which is what  I ordered they were black and grey. Cute, but probably wouldn't go with my dress. Luckily, they were two big and would have returned them anyway.

I can't believe the wedding is in three weeks and so many people have RSVP'd! A lot of people we haven't seen in years or even met at all. One of them to my (happy) surprise is from a lady who I had my first internship with the summer after my freshman year of college. She is a self-employed graphic designer who lives a very interesting life. She hired me without any experience and gave me a lot of room to learn which I will always be grateful for. I'll never forget when she told me "I can't pay you much, just $7 an hour" and I almost fell off my chair. For me, at the time, that was big money. I sent her a resume when she wasn't hiring and she hired someone without experience, that doesn't happen often in this world. After that summer I knew I wanted to be self-employed and have been working towards that goal ever since. So, yes I'm excited to see her!

In other unrelated to weight loss news, I've been getting a lot of really weird emails. Weirder than usual, I should say. Asking if I'm a real person. I am aware that the internet world is becoming privy to the money making abilities of a weight loss blog and a lot of these weight loss bloggers are fictional. And a lot of those blogs tend to plug in pictures of people pretending to be real. I don't know if it is the graphics, the ads or both, but I am real. At least I hope I am, otherwise that could be scary. Yes, I am really a fat person blogging and have been for two years.

I also don't approve comments from anyone who links to a promotional website or  "fake" blog. I can spot one pretty quickly, but I get emails from folks saying "I left a comment linking to my website that links back to you, why did you delete it?" because you aren't a blogger. I get about 10 spam comments an entry. Sometimes a few get through, but otherwise I delete them. Not that I'm against making money online (am not, at all, and would like to make some myself) I just don't let other people make money off of links from my blog.

And now onto weight loss. My eating has been back on track this week and have been recording everything I eat and emailing it to one of my good friends who is also trying to lose weight. I've been monitoring my calories and staying below 1,500 a day. Wednesday morning I did tae bo boot camp level 2 and yesterday I didn't do much but mope around about our missing cat, who we found 24 hours later in the garage across the yard. He was cut on the face and shaken up, but so glad to be home. My sister lost her cat this week to a stomach tumor and she has been heartbroken about it. I kept thinking I would never see Simon again and knew how she must feel having her cat gone.

I have weigh-in this weekend! Which I'm hoping will be a good one and continuing to stay on track to get there. I had a pretty funny moment yesterday while feeling sorry for myself. I really wanted to make something sweet and even wrote down a recipe on a note card of something small to make. I flipped over the note card and there was a picture of myself in a pretend wedding dress, a thinner version that I made in photoshop as a visual reminder of where I want to be. I laughed out loud at the situation and ate an apple. Sometimes all we need is a reminder of our goals and where we want to be to get us back on track.

Playing catch-up once again. I got back Monday evening from my weekend trip to WV. I had a pretty good time with my friends and family and ate and didn't exercise. I was doing a lot of eating when I wasn't hungry, and I ate out multiple times over the weekend. Four to be exact, well, five if you count subway on the way home Monday.

It is was it is and now I'm ready to get back on track! Only 3 1/2 weeks until the wedding!! Yesterday we went to the gym and did strength training session B and then 35 minutes on the elliptical. We were both feeling weak and out of shape. I am out of shape, but feeling it more so than usual. I just kept staring at the clock during cardio. Two things: I need a better mix of fast paced music. As much as I love Sia and Fleet Foxes they just don't get me going like Rhianna does haha.

Food was okay, I kept feeling the need to munch and eat. I woke up and ate a bowl of oatmeal, then an apple, then some plan yogurt w/ jam and granola, then I made a small burger and then I had two chicken, black bean, rice and avocado burritos when I got home. I definantly had an appetite.

I started the day out with 40 minutes of tae bo level 2 boot camp. I. did. not. want. to. do. it. Which is how it goes with exercise. Why does the brain do that? I know I'm not the only one. Its just exercise, whats the struggle about? I felt so spent when I finished. I just sat on the couch like a sweaty noodle and then made a fried egg. And then ate an apple. Now I feel good again.

Want to see fun wedding stuff? yes? okay!

Here are my wedding shoes:

I can't tell you how long I search and search for wedding shoes. It's sad really. All I wanted was a simple pair of mid-heel, peep-toed, light colored shoes that don't cost a ton of money. I found the perfect shoe like 10 tens, but it was in black, or $200, or with a 3" heel. And finally I found these at mod cloth and hoping they fit nicely. I also wanted a shoe I could wear again and I will defianantly wear these.

And then I got one of these to push up and suck in.

And finally, I've been making boutonnierre's for the fellows:

Roni wrote very good post yesterday about her motivation and happiness. Very good, please read.

"I get asked a lot about motivation and I answered it a few times but I think I finally nailed it. I find motivation from living the best life I can live, irregardless of my size. I want to feel good about the choices I make. I want the toddler to be proud of his Mom. I want to show people it is possible! I only have one life to live and I spent too many years feeling sorry for myself. I’m not about to do it again just because I’m a little stressed. Life is stressful. It always has been and it always will be. Finding comfort in food has NEVER helped. If anything it just makes me feel worse."

Where to start? For those looking for Jillian's podcasts, I sypmathize with you. I had a hard time locating the podcasts until I googled "jillian michael's podcast" and found a website with instructions for finding them. They are there, you just have to know where to look. Click here for instructions.

Things are going o-k this week, I can't believe another week has flown by, but that's the nature of things. I haven't exercised since Monday and have used rain as an excuse. I over plan my exercise and feel like I can't do it unless I've planned it. Its a really silly excuse. I know. Rain is the other one.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster all week. I've been feeling slightly overwhelmed with the wedding stuff, something I've been doing pretty good at not being overwhelmed by. I'm very bad at time management so when I have a lot to do I have a hard time figuring out where to start and then waste time not starting.

I am my own worst enemy, but you already knew that.

I've been really sensitive this week too. I don't know what it is, but I really hate feeling misunderstood, judged and as though people assume where I am coming from. There are very few people who I feel truly understand me and sometimes I feel like I have to defend myself or the things I do. Defending is really tiring. I know I am talking in riddles, but sometimes I'd just like to be me without apology, defense or explanation. I don't like to be picked apart or analyzed. I don't like to be told that I do xyz because of xyz.

Food. So I've mentioned before that I know what a day feels like that will result in weight loss. I rarely count calories, except out of default, but I've memorized portions and food and know what will and won't result in weight loss. I know how my stomach feels at the end of the day when I will or won't lose weight.

Right now, if I don't eat anything else today I will see a loss or maintain and if I feel this way again tomorrow I will defiantly see a loss. Its not that I'm eating particularly healthful foods or planned out portions, I just know. Does anyone else know this? Knowing what the day feels like physically that results in weight loss?

Today's food: protein shake w/ skim milk, banana, 1/2 thin crust grilled chicken pizza, two high fiber bars. About 1,300 calories (220 shake, 100 banana, 550 pizza, 280 bars) I know all of this by memorization. Is that sad? A day like this is when I only eat when I'm hungry and actually get to the point of hunger. I am don't think too much about food.

If I would have exercised, I would probably allow myself to eat 400-500 more calories.

For me, not thinking about food is more and more where I want to be. When I talk to people about "what I'm doing" which for me feels like nothing really. They advise the usual weight loss advice: eat your protein, fruits and vegetables. magazine tip, oprah tip, diet book tip after tip after tip. I eat those things, and try to go out of my way to eat them some of the time, but I feel like eating that way with all of the measuring, weighing, portioning out, scaling back, tip remembering and planning is so maddening and unrealistic for me.

To lose weight I know that days consistently look like this:

Exercise, the sweaty/huffy kind

Food: big breakfast (eggs, toast, fruit etc.) lunch when hungry (usually around two) of a sandwich or salad, and then dinner of protein and a serving of rice and vegetables or something like that

Over the weekend I knew I was going to eat a decent dinner when my mom came to visit. So I ate a light breakfast of whole wheat toast with almond honey butter. I didn't eat again until 4 which isn't ideal. Idealy I would have eaten a light snack. Then for dinner I had two of my homemade naan with pulled pork, tomatoes, lettuce, and homemade tzatziki sauce. I was satisfied and full, not stuffed. I didn't count calories or portions. This is not an ideal weight loss picturesque day, but it is reality for me.

Tomorrow I am driving to WV to see my best friend of 20 years graduate from college and then do mother's day stuff. I know Saturday we are going to outback and sunday we are going to an italian restaurant. I have weigh in and I want to see a loss what is my plan?

First, tomorrow I will plan and make myself exercise in the morning before I shower and get ready. I will eat a light, yet filling breakfast. I will eat a snack when I get hungry of fruit or nuts. And then enjoy dinner with my parents: naan, chicken, tzatziki etc. I won't over stuff myself or deprive myself.

Saturday will be hard for exercise. We have to be at the graduation place at 8:30 am, meaning we have to leave at 7:30 am. And we will be there until noon, followed with lunch at outback, back to my parents house and then dinner with girlfriends at 6pm. I could exercise when I get home for an hour and then get ready to go out. I will eat a filling breakfast, a light lunch and a satisfying dinner.

Sunday, will exercise at my parents house (bring exercise DVDs!) in the morning. Eat a light breakfast and then eat lunch with my family at 3pm enjoying, yet not stuffing.

Monday, drive home and blog! See you then!

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers for everything you are and do!

I've named this the Jillian Inspired challege on a whim after listening to her podcasts and I've gotten a lot of emails from folks saying things like "I searched for this challenge and couldn't find any information" or "I want to join, but don't know how" I then felt bad for making anyone think I was doing something official.

I thought the word inspired spoke for itself. Maybe the graphic threw people off. Either way, I just wanted to challenge myself to lose weight and chose this time frame to go with the upcoming wedding. This is totally self-started. Honestly, I would organize a blog challenge for all of us, but I'm not good at sticking with things most of the time and I would be a bad organizer. However, anyone is totally welcome to join in and challenge along, leave comments and do your own thing in your blog. Take the graphic and have fun!

I had originally planned to post little things I'm learning from her podcasts, but I'm very behind on listening to those. I'm not often in a place to listen to anything for an hour at a time. Her voice is too, er, intense to listen to while I work. But, after listening to her podcast about chemicals, something I've already thought about a million times I'm slowly switching out all of my personal care products to the chemical free, organic variety.

My mom came to visit this weekend! We talked to a flower lady and about the wedding in general. I made a dinner of my favorite flat bread recipe and tzatziki sauce and all that. Sunday, I worked on my etsy shop and yesterday we did an hour and a half at the gym. Part cardio, part strength training. And then worked outside prepping the ground for our big blue above ground pool.

I also wanted to note that my eating has been pretty good, I notice that I still find myself eating when I'm not hungry so trying to pay more attention to that.

Today I have a pre-wedding hair appointment and a couple of other wedding tasks to finish. It's coming together! We met with our officiant and got our marriage license yesterday. I'm so glad our officiant (a man josh knew growing up) is liberal and open minded, I feel I would offend him (not on purpose) otherwise. He really works on making the vows personal and not just the usual outdated language. He also got rid of any language that makes me property or an owned woman, much like a goat. I can appreciate that too.