I make vegetable kung pao with peanuts at least once a week. Josh loves it, I love it, and it's quick and easy to make. I'm pretty sure I could make it with my eyes closed. I sauté two or three cups of celery and one chopped onion in 1-2 T sesame or olive oil. Cook until tender. I add fresh or powdered garlic, white pepper, a few pepper flakes, and one or two shakes of chinese five spice. Then I add about 2 T soy sauce, 2 T rice vinegar, 2 t sugar or honey, a shake of cornstarch and then 1/2 - 1 C. chicken of vegetable stock. Add more soy sauce or garlic to taste and about a cup of salted peanuts. Top off with chili sauce and serve with basmati rice.

Before dinner I did 40 minutes of Insanity and I swear during the whole thing I had Bob in my head yelling at me to work harder. I think it's because of Gail. And you know what? I worked harder! Thanks Bob (and Gail.)

Today marks the 10th day of the Insanity Workout for me. Last week I was so sore, there were days when I was moving like an old lady. Today the soreness is more specific, like the back of my right thigh, but my body is getting used to the activity. I like being in a place where my body feels more conditioned and everything is more fluid.

It's helpful for me to have a plan of action as far as exercise goes. I wake up do a little work, and when Josh wakes up we exercise. The calendar tells me which workout to do, and I do it. When I have a plan, the excuses are smaller. I can get to a place mentally where I do it anyway. It's staying there that is the challenge. The more times that I do this, get up and exercise, or start again with a routine, the easier it becomes. The alternative is becoming less and less appealing each day that I take the time to make what I want happen.

***

I hope you all had a delicious Thanksgiving last week. I wasn't in the mood to post, but want to let you know that I often post my exercise on twitter and facebook, if you care to see what I'm doing there. I'm also tracking my food on myfitnesspal.com. I'm weighing in once a week and so far I'm close to 3 pounds loss from Friday when I weighed in. I'm looking forward to another loss on Friday.

This is so random, but do you go through outfit phases? I do. I will wear the hell out of an outfit that I love.  This is my new favorite outfit. I don't know why, it's just comfortable and comforting to me. The jacket was purchased at Maurices, late fall last year at a deep discount. The jeans are from walmart of all places and sandals are from Avenue. It happened to be really warm Saturday. I know that look on my face says "something smells", but it was one of the better ones. I also want to use this outfit to track my progress, by taking a picture wearing it every month.

More randomness: here's me and Josh on Sunday after a dinner/lunch thing and I wanted to post because I was wearing a new wrap dress that I'm pretty sure was not flattering at this stage of my life, but I wore it anyway and because Josh looks so darn cute.

And finally, the last random photo for this post. My favorite salad at the moment. Leafy greens (preferably arugula or spinach) with cranberries, goat cheese, almonds and ginger dressing.

Heavens to Betsy. It's been a long time since I've taken a "before" photo and goodness, this will be my last. Amen, preach it sister.

The before photo is the closest thing (other than going to the doctor, or trying to fit into a airplane seat) to a reality check that I can get. It's like, damn girl, you're fat. And I don't mean that to sound self-depricating, it's just the truth.

I spend a lot of  time trying to cover up my fat. Positioning angles, deleting the "too fat" photos, and wearing layers to forget how fat I am. I go to great lengths not to let my fat make me uncomfortable. I wear a black compression tank top almost daily so that I can suck it in a little bit better. I prefer high rise jeans to tuck in the upper part of my belly. I like bras with thick bands. I fly with a seat belt extender so I don't have to ask for one. I avoid amusement park rides, horses, boats, and planes at all costs to pretend that I'm not obese.  It's a lot of work.

And there you have it. The most unflattering photos I have ever (I think) posted on this blog. Things should can only go up from here!

I'm using the Insanity workout by Beach Body to help me get to my Minus 50 t0 29 goal and joined to become a Beach Body Coach, you can see my website here.

This morning I went for a run and learned two things. 1) I will wear pretty much anything outside. Case in point:

2) It takes about 30 minutes for me to get over the "lead legs" feeling. I forced myself to walk up the giant hills three times. By then, I felt like I could keep going. Tomorrow I will stay out much longer.

It was incredibly chilly this morning and I debated wearing a hoodie for fear that I would get too hot. I'm so thankful I wore I it, it kept me warm and helped me stay that way without overheating. This outfit prompted me to purchase some new workout clothes.

Those shoes are a-mazing! They are the first pair of running shoes I've owned that prevent my toes from going numb. They are also incredibly comfortable. I purchased them at Shoe Carnival, but they are available here too.

Onward and upward!

I'm more likely to complete a task when it's in writing and I give myself the opportunity to check it off. What is it about calendars? Back when I did 14 weeks of Insanity, I felt like I had to do it because there was a calendar with a task and I needed to check it off. It adds pressure and makes me feel like I'm skipping out on myself when I miss an appointment.

My mid-September calendar has been so helpful this week. Granted, it's only been a couple of days of check-offs, but it's working in it's own way. For example, I didn't finish my Jillian workout until about 8pm last night. I was busy most of the day and really just wanted to settle in for the evening. But, the calendar hanging on the refrigerator was calling to me.  I could not end the day without checking exercise off my list. I'm restarting c25k again today and I'm excited because the weather is perfect. I'm restarting because 1) I want to participate in the 5k in Winston-Salem in December again and 2) I think I've been invited to do a 5k in Cincinnati in May. It's time to prepare!

How do you stay accountable for exercise?

Yesterday (tuesday) we were back on our home schedule. We ate at home and did our usual insanity workout. As much as I love to eat out, it gets tiresome and is never as healthy (or as cheap) as eating at home. I like knowing exactly what's in my food.

Yesterday morning was my usual banana nut muffin (a commenter asked if I make these and the answer is yes) 200 calories

Lunch was a boca burger with whole wheat bun, 1/2 t mayo, dark lettuce, and 1/2 oz. jalapeno cheese. 400 calories.

Dinner was a vegetable burrito: black beans, tomatoes with chili peppers, spinach, avocado. Used lots of cumin on this with a little sea salt on a spinach wrap. 570 calories (the wrap had 340)

snack: muffin with local/organic strawberries, 220 calories

Total calories for the day: 1,390

Exercise: 40 minutes of insanity workout (400-600 calories burned)

I went grocery shopping with a goal and budget in mind: all organic, as much local as possible and under $55 dollars. I spent about $48 on this:

1 pound local ground beef

2 organic avocados

bunch of organic/fair trade bananas

basket of local/organic strawberries

1 package organic/nitrate-free bacon

4 local/organic yams

2 lbs. organic basmati rice

1 package all natural spinach wraps (vegan)

1 bag local/organic spinach

1 bag local/organic lettuce

This poem by Mother Teresa has been on my mind lately...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I read this a few weeks ago and thought it was profound. It's not directly related to weight loss, but I think we all worry too much about what other people think. We know people who will dissect every word and every action- do them anyway. I love that. Do it anyway. Take care of yourself regardless of what anyone may think. Find your own path.

Yesterday was another good day of food and exercise. I feel good that I'm building a little army of good days behind me. They will stand behind me on the days when I want to eat my weight in pizza. I will say that I'm glad I started this post PMS. It's not a particularly unstressful time either, it's just less of a struggle.

I realized this week that the hardest thing about eating less and counting calories is me. I had to get over my stubbornness, my unwillingness to admit that I needed to do this to lose weight. I had to arrive, yet again, to this conclusion on my own.

I'm eating anywhere from 1,200-1,700 calories a day and I'm not hungry- I thought I would be. I'm not deprived. I'm not unsatisfied. I'm not just eating salads and carrots-I'm eating what I truly want to eat. I'm full on less. And I think it's important for me to remember this. That I can get by on less and I'll be better for it.

Last night I really wanted to eat out. Even after having lunch out with a friend. I tried to use the excuse of chicken still being frozen. I kept going back and forth mentally and I knew, deep down, that if I ate out again I would go over my calories for the day. It's so much easier to eat more quality food at home with less calories. When I'm in a restaurant I often find it too hard to stop eating the giant portions put in front of me.

And now on to yesterday's food:

Quiche again. I ate about half of what you see here. And 6 oz. or so of orange juice. 363 Calories

Lamb burger from Natasha's here in Floyd. So good! It felt pretty light to me, and was of course, very flavorful. I ate all of the burger and about half of the crisps. 650 calories

Chicken on mixed greens with cucumber, feta, bacon and vinaigrette dressing. About 400 calories.

Not pictured:

1 serving cashews- 160 calories

Glucosamine chews- 70 calories

Total calories: 1,643

Exercise: 45 minutes of Insanity Workout (400-500 calories)

Today marks the beginning of week ten of the Insanity Workout. Ten. Weeks. On top of six weeks of yoga (which we've completed) and a weekly session of strength training.

Here is (another) list of thoughts from the 10 week mark...

1. The time passed. Seriously, ten weeks passed in a blink of an eye. I didn't have to exercise, but I'm so glad I did. Some days the 45 minutes to an hour seemed like torture, even before I started. Which brings me to...

2. The only thing stopping me from doing most anything in my life is me. Forcing myself to exercise daily for ten weeks allowed me to see thought patterns and push past them. I was negative to myself, and sometimes down right mean. I think this would have stopped me before. It's all mental, you know that quote: if you think you can or think you can't, you're right? So true.

3. Weight loss isn't everything. This one is hard to even type out, because often I've thought: what's the point in exercise if I don't lose this weight quickly? What has changed is this: I exercise because it's healthy and it feels good. This doesn't mean I don't weigh myself or get excited to see that I've lost 12 pounds (because I'm thrilled) but because there is a part of me that always thought...it's ONLY 12 pounds, what's the point? My perspective has shifted from exercise to lose weight, to exercise for life because it's a good thing to do. I would have (and have many times) given up in the past. Just thrown in the towel because I was only doing it to lose weight. I'm okay with exercising everyday for the rest of my life if I never lose a single pound.

4. This has nothing to do with exercise (well, a little) but never (ever ever) weigh yourself during PMS. Just don't do that to yourself. I can gain and lose eight lbs. in a weeks time from water weight alone.

5. My clothes fit better. I feel better.

6. Perfection is not a sustainable goal. I've had to really challenge myself to "do it anyway". To exercise when I didn't have a good week, to get back on track if I missed a couple of days. The truth is, a "poor week" of exercise now (3-4 days instead of six) is what I good week used to look like. I always aim for 6, but a couple of the ten past weeks weren't perfect. I had to get over it. There were weeks when I ate wayy too much, more than exercise could work off. I had to get over it and keep moving. There were weeks when the scale went up and down and settled and moved around. I really had to stop aiming for a "perfect week" or a "perfect situation", forgive myself and move on. This is hard.

Thoughts about food:

1. I have destructive food patterns that I've been able to pinpoint in the past weeks:

- If I'm overwhelmed, stressed, don't know where to begin or procrastinating: I overeat.

- I still have the "all or nothing" , "last meal" mentality

- Keeping busy, staying focused and organized = better eating

2. Keeping a food journal, regardless if I count calories or not, truly helps me

3. Writing thoughts and emotions in this journal is also helpful

4. Being on the right path, having a plan for the day and staying on track with tasks makes it easier for me to go about my day without thoughts of food. Everything is related. I've noticed that the more productive I am, the more happy I am and the more productive and happy I am the less intense I feel about food.

5. The next ten weeks will be about eating real, clean food. My goal is this: to keep a daily food journal no matter what (good, bad or ugly) and to eat as much real food (close to nature, unprocessed, five ingredients or less) as possible. I want to really push myself to look for the clean food on restaurants and menu's when dining out.

Clean eating is my new goal!

Today I created a list to live by based on what I consider to be a successful day. It's slightly embarrassing to share this on the internets, but I really love lists and encouragement so here goes...

To take care of my body by:

Exercising: 60 minutes a day (taking Sunday’s off)

Eating Well: planning meals a day ahead, taking time to cook and count calories

Caring for my skin: Washing my face morning and night, using moisturizer

Caring for my teeth: brush morning and night (minimum), floss and use mouthwash

Caring for my feet and hands

To take care of my environment:

Keeping the dishes clean:  not going to bed with a dirty kitchen

Making the bed and putting clothes away

Quick tidy-up in the bathroom, living room and dining room

Caring for plants and animals: watering and tending

To Work Hard:

Complete "musts" on to-do lists

Complete small chunks of large projects daily

To meet deadlines and fulfill expectations, to do more than expected

To Be Creative:

To blog daily

To create new jewelry

Create new recipes

Take photographs

Paint and sew

To Connect:

Return emails as I read them

Stay in touch via phone, email, visits, twitter and facebook

Leave comments on blogs

Take time to do something fun with husband every day

Plan special events with husband, friends and family

All of the red tasks are items that I checked off my "successful day" checklist. I won't do this every day, but it's good for me to check in with my goals and to see if what I'm doing every day is taking me closer to them.

I'm making a true effort to get my eating in check this month. I feel like I keep saying it, but I really need to do it. It's not that I feel that I'm eating horribly, but I can do better. My plan is planning. For tomorrow I have my breakfast and lunch already planned out and prepared with the calories counted. Everything is in a container and ready to go. I feel good about this, but I always feel good on day one. We'll see.

We've entered week SEVEN of insanity and I just cannot believe it. I can hold a steady plank pose now. My stretches are much deeper and I am moving better in general. I've noticed that I don't want to eat bad foods because I am having the thought "I won't feel good enough to exercise if I'm bloated, or feel sick from food". Having that thought is shocking for me. That is a thought that I think truly healthy people have; considering food choices because of how they makes you feel. I want to do so much that eating poorly would only take my energy away. I'm just now realizing this, food=energy, bad food takes energy, good food gives energy. Why did it take me so long to realize this?

I'm in week five of the Insanity Workout and have so much that I want to make note of. So much so that I'm thinking about doing a video post. Here are my random, jumbled thoughts (when I really should be in bed) about exercising everyday...

1) It's okay to exercise everyday. This hurdle has been huge for me and one that took me awhile to get over. In my mind daily exercise was unnecessary. I even got a comment on twitter from someone saying "watch out or you'll burn out". I felt defensive over that, a feeling that I often battle with when unsolicited advice comes my way. I feel like I shouldn't have to defend exercising everyday.

My perspective is changing. What used to seem like a lot of exercise, 45 minutes, now seems like nothing. In fact I'm thinking in a whole day 45 minutes isn't much. And then to think that I was barely getting that a week, or even three times a week is sort of astounding to me. But that's what changing your perspective will do. I can exercise every day and not burn out. I think the reason is that I'm not expecting perfection with every workout. Most days I push myself and give it my all, but there have been some days when I'm barely showing up. I'm just going through the motions to get it over with. But I'm showing up and that's what matters. I think before, just showing up was never good enough for the perfectionist in me, so I wouldn't show up at all. I was all or nothing,  now I just do my best.

2) I am not losing a ton of weight. Before I started exercising intensely everyday  I used to think that's all I needed to do to lose weight. Just one hour or so of intense exercise and I could eat what I wanted. I'm not sure why I thought this or where this idea came into play, but it's simply not true. It is helpful for not gaining weight and that's it. I've lost a little weight and I can tell that my waist is more defined and I'm much stronger. But, that 10-20 lbs. of weight that I thought would fall off effortlessly? not so.

I'm very very slowly getting my eating habits in check. This will be my next hurdle that I need to deal with. Exercise has been the first one and next will be food. And when I have both, well, I'll be set. I mentally count calories, but sometimes I just want to eat. I still want to eat for comfort. I am eating better in general, cooking more at home and not eating refined sugar. I know that my next step is getting serious about planning ahead and counting calories. I can do it for about four days before I just get so tired of it.

3) Exercise can be mentally uncomfortable. I used to think that I had a hard time exercising because it was physically uncomfortable, it was too hard, I didn't have enough time, I was lazy, etc. But, the truth is, exercise makes me face the uncomfortable facts about my body. It brings out emotions that are dormant during inactivity. I notice my size more, I notice the space I take up, I notice the effects of excess weight on my body. Stuff that I've tried to ignore or hide- suddenly become clear when I move my body like it's meant to. When I can't do yoga poses because of fat getting in the way. When my arms and wrists give out when I try to do push-ups. When I can't grab my ankle for a quad stretch. Basic, human movements that are hard to do when you're obese. Exercise is like shining a spotlight on everything I can't do, and it is uncomfortable for me.

I once heard that the body stores emotions. It holds on to whatever we are dealing with (or not dealing with) and when we exercise these emotions can be released. I've experienced this. It makes me want to cry, or hide away. It can be intense when what you aren't dealing with is released even when you're not ready. And I think this is one reason why I've had a hard time sticking to consistent movement- it can unleash pain. For me, not letting it out in the form of exercise has lead to depression. I still suffer from my one hormonal week a month, but I feel like things are becoming clearer mentally.  Like the things I've been holding inside are coming out through energy and movement. I'm okay with being uncomfortable.