Despite my best efforts to move forward with my health goals this week, I am in a full on funk and it's safe to say I've been here for awhile. Sure, I'm functioning. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking care of things. I'm blogging and generally eating better post holidays, but I need a mental refreshing.

I don't know if it is the weater. It snowed about 14 inches almost 3 weeks ago and the snow is still on the ground. On top of that we had an ice storm and freezing weather ever since. Our hot water is frozen, our kitchen sink drain is frozen and the short walk to the car evey morning takes skillfull balance not to fall over.

Despite the weather, I know that my weight is what is really eating at me. I kept a food/weight journal (not public) for my own keeping for "the cleanse" and when I stopped I really let go of everything and packed on the weight. I know that 15 (approximate) pounds is not the end of the world, but I feel different. When you gain weight when you're trying to lose weight and when you are already big, it is not easy mentally or physically.

I was holding steady at 275 and the weight was dropping. And then I just went right back up and it's so annoying that I let myself get back to 290. 290. I thought I was past this. I donated all of my size 24+ jeans to goodwill. To make a point...I'd never be here again. And here I am. Wearing the last size 24 pair of jeans I have on regular rotation. My size 22 skirts fit, and forget about the size 22 pants.

It's scary to me how fast and easy it is for me to be back where I started. To throw work away, to have fear of myself. Fear that I will never get past these hurdles.  I believe I will get better. I believe I will be healthier, but I can't deny the fact that I have some serious work to do with myself before abusing food is a thing of the past. 

I have seriously bad habits that I have gone in and out of over the course of this blog. One of them is eating in private. I am a big believer that "diet" food is a scam and I am sure that when people see me not eating the standard diet fare (salads no dressing, low fat everything, low calorie, low carb, sugar free, diet soda etc.) they think "this is why you can't lose weight" , but in fact it's never what you see me eating that is keeping me fat, it's what you don't see me eating that is the key to my weight issues.

I know good and well that I can eat real, good, delicious foods and lose weight. I've done it before. What keeps me fat is my dependency on food. My funks, my depression, my cycles, my inconsistency and my private eating.

I've done some pretty wacky things when alone:

Okay maybe not quite like that. But, I've eaten in my car more times than I can even begin to say. I even bought these lemon filled cookies once and hid them in my underwear drawer (in the package, of course) which were later found by Josh looking for a pair of socks. He asked me about it, he questioned why I was hiding food and  I just sat there. Two worlds collided. My secret world and my real world were staring each other in the face and I was embarrassed.

My bad habits are skeletons in my closet. They are shameful little secrets that no one knows about. How I used to go from one fast food place to another so that I could amass food without them knowing I was ordering all of that food just for me. How I've thrown food out of the car window. How I've eaten a pint of icecream in the car without a spoon. Or the little weird habits that I pick up while eating in private. If a car passes, I pretend not to be eating.

The only way for me to get over this is by sharing it. To stop fearing it and to be open about it. The more that I keep this behavior a secret the more control that I give it. I am writing this as a way to "come clean" and to move forward. My goal is to stop eating in my car. And to stop eating secretly. I'm not saying I can't eat along, because that doesn't make any sense, but avoiding behavior that I wouldn't participate in front of other people. And  telling you guys about it, not out of punishment, but to get over this once and for all.

I miss you. It's been two weeks and well, I let Thanksgiving week get the best of me. I ate, mostly sensibly, but I ate out of my cleansing guidelines and haven't been exercising and now it's a week later and here I am. 

The cleansing diet is hard, but I felt so good. I wasn't starving in the morning, my mood was stable, I had more energy and yet why do I let the inconvenience of it all keep me from sticking with it? The three weeks that I was doing well I always thought "this should be how I eat most of the time and everything else occasionally".

Protein and vegetables should be 80% of my diet and the rest would be the remaining. I know this.

I don't want to go down the road of "what is wrong with me?" or "why can't i stick to anything?" because I don't feel that way. I feel good. I feel positive that I will get to my goals. That I am getting healthier and that I will be where my body needs to be for long-term health. I know it will happen.

I think it would be unrealistic of me to think that I will go the rest of the month without baking or enjoying holiday foods. But, how much do I need? Do I need this month to be so indulgent that I just fill bloated and lethargic all the time? I want to bake and cook.

I want to share my ideas for both here and in my other blog. I want balance (I always want balance) and I want moderation and health. I want to exercise daily.

I need you, blog. I need to come here daily, even on the days when I struggle. Not to punish myself or to ask for other people to do so (trust me, they have) I want to share again, because I have a lot to share.

One of my favorite blogs is The Hidden Seed. Not only because of her stunning daily outfits, but because of her mission statement. If you get a chance, read the story behind her blog. I believe whole heartily in what she is sharing and why. This is kind of where I want to be.

Will you give me another chance?

Thanks for listening.

xo  Lorrie

Occasionally something will happen to us so often that we accept how it feels and then when it's no longer there we forget why we ever accepted the way things were.

I've been making it a habit with my healthful eating plan to make note of how I feel in a little journal. Noticing small and big changes as I move through the next few weeks. One big change that is so confusing and well accepted by me is my lack of hunger and cravings.

I first noticed this on saturday when I had a green apple for lunch before I went out to go shopping. I forgot about eating until that evening. Which is not a good thing, but so surprising for me I just went with it. Sure I was tempted by all of the comforting ideas of seasonal food (flavored coffee, or christmas candy were high on that list) but, aside from my initial knee-jerk reaction to comfort myself I just did not have hunger.

Hunger for me that I can recall after all of these years is very uncomfortable. I get grouchy, irritable, nauseous and that feeling of  IF I DON'T EAT RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL EAT YOUR ARM OFF. Which looking at it more closely could be a symptom of high and low blood sugar spikes.

Now that I feel stable in that area, I seem to be able to go longer periods without food and caving to cravings. When I wake up I don't feel that empty -sick feeling of hunger. Hunger is there, but it is more subtle and less uncomfortable.

Its too early to assume I am cured of this desire to overeat, because I'm not. But, I really like how I feel. I like being able to go about my day and not be consumed with the thought of eating or wondering how I'm going to sneak extra food in my day.

This is the time when I want to start to slip into old habits. In the week that I've been following this program to feel better, I've realized a couple of things about myself...

For starters, I find I have not always kept up the environment for real change. Making changes to be healthier when you are otherwise not, or at least somewhat kind of doing so, requires being prepared. I find that if there are dirty dishes I don't want to cook and therefore want a "quick fix", I also find that there are times when I just don't want to cook and reach for the quickest thing to eat.

Following this plan has required me to plan ahead, cook more for the next day and to expect that it isn't going to be perfect. Perfect is a big word. Why do anything if it won't be perfect? That is a huge underlying current of my life. I struggle with this blog, why blog if it isn't up to some standard I've held for myself.

And I'm here to be the first person to say...this mentality does not work when you are trying to progress and move forward. Action of any kind is as perfect, as perfect will ever get.

The thing is, is that I know how to be a healthy person. I know that the way I have been eating this week is how I should eat majority of the time. Does that mean I can't have dinners out in the future of my favorite Indian meal? no. Does that mean I can't find room for baking and enjoy treats sometimes? no. What it does mean is finding balance.

Anytime I start a program I begin to feel uncomfortable. I start feeling sad and sorry for myself because I'm not eating comforting foods in excess. Foods that ultimately make me sick. Foods that decrease my energy rather than increase. Foods that make me feel depressed. Yet, turning to food for comfort is a huge crutch for me. I know it will always be there. What happens when you take that away? Uncomfortable feelings creep up and the desire becomes strong to cover them up with food.

Everyday this week I have felt energetic, happy and good about the food I have been eating. Physically the rewards of eating good are amazing, mentally all I want to do is watch the Food Network and feel sorry for myself about all the food I'm not cooking and eating right now. Last night I caved and made myself a spinach tortilla pizza with cheese. Cheese is not on my plan right now and I made it because it was quick, easy, comforting and familiar. This isn't to say that I think this is the worst food ever and no one should ever enjoy it because there is a balance.

But after I ate it I felt my old friend lethargy creep up. The thing about feeling tired is, is that food has a lot to do with it. How much energy we put out is another factor. I think I've gone a long time accepting food-moods and lethargy as a way of life. In the future, I know I will eat pizza, but it is the other actions around the pizza that give it balance. It can either take away from my health or add balance to it. I can eat nice foods all day and after eating it not think "well I ate that, I might as well eat a pint of ice cream" and then there goes exercise. And back to where I started.

I know this is a big rambly mess, but I needed to get this out. And that is ultimately why I do this and tend to forget.

This morning all I could think was "oooh I could just go get a biscuit while I'm out and start my plan all over again on Sunday" and "then I could find something sweet". I have these thoughts and I need to confess to them, not because I'm a bad person, but because this is my reality. This is why I weigh what I do for as long as I have.

My action plan for today has nothing to-do with biscuits or sweets. If it did, I would get little done today. I'm going thrift shopping and working on my new blog: www.beautifullayers.comwhich could not have come at a better time. It's a feel good non-food related outlet for me. I need these blogs. Josh is taking me out for a nice steak and salad dinner. I'm going to take all of my supplements today. I'm going to clean the kitchen and I'm going to be prepared with food.

It's pretty bad when your husband asks you daily if you've updated your blog. And every day you keep adding it to your list of things to do. Since when did updating my blog become a to-do list item? For me, the to-do list is a place where tasks I really don't want to do go and hide for weeks on end.

While at BlogHer I had a chance to talk to Krissie and Fat Bridesmaid about why I haven't been blogging and never came up with a definite answer aside from losing direction. But now I'm convinced it is my lack of direction that is making it hard to keep coming back.

I am doing (to me) blog worthy stuff. I am pretty much primarily buying local food, I haven't eaten meat in a month (today!), I'm still training for a 5k at the end of the month, I've been making effort to wear cute outfits and yet the elephant in the room? I am still fat. I have fluctuated and maintained this weight for 2 years now. Yesterday I got on the scale: 273.

Sure, I haven't gained. And can perhaps say that I know how to maintain weight without gaining significantly, at least at this weight. And sure I don't weigh my old 315+ of my post West Virginia days, but where am I going? What are my new goals?

I feel like I want to take a big hose to this whole thing and start afresh with new focus, excitement, and dedication.

WHO AM I BLOGGING FOR?  Is the question that lingers and I ask myself a lot. A question that came up a lot during BlogHer. If I have a weight loss blog, yet have not lost blog worthy weight in over two years, what in the world have I been blogging about?

The life that still continues to happen, despite still being fat. Its true, I am still fat. And yet, I feel different than I did two years ago. I'm completely changed by blogging and by refusing to stop living my life because I haven't reached goal weight. Acceptance? Settling? I don't know.

Here is another fact. I have been doing some form of dieting or trying to lose weight in endless cycles and I know that if I had said two years ago "if I just focused on my health, eating better, moving more, rather than the number on the scale, rather than the next event coming up" I would not still weigh 273.

I keep waiting for the time in my life that I won't be too busy to take care of my health. A time when the dust has settled and planning for the next something has stopped. Guess what? That time will never come. I've come to realize that this is the action chapter of my life, and a good thing too, right? I have something planned almost every weekend until January. I've got a list of projects I'm working on, ideas I'm formulating, things I'm learning. It is all very fun and exciting and isn't going to stop any time soon so that I can "focus on losing weight."

I want to go back to the basics around here, blogging food, updating weight loss, talking about what I've learned, sharing outfit ideas etc. with the new twist of not following a new diet (other than the one of going back in time food-wise, and my deep interest in this) or trying to be x amount of weight by x amount of time. That isn't to say I want to be goal less, I just want to take weight loss off of my future to-do list and make it a current action that is happening everyday. Like brushing my teeth or washing my face.

Oh!

Thank you for the support and overwhelming response about my United Airlines experience. oh sigh. Are you ready for the response to my letter?

Dear Mrs. Burger,

Thank you for contacting us.  I appreciate the opportunity to respond.

I apologize that a member of our Untied Express Mesa airlines commuter
flight crew was not discreet or caring when you asked for a seat belt
extender.  Your feedback with be passed along to the management staff of
onboard services for Mesa airlines for their review with the crew from
your flight.

On behalf of United Airlines and United Express I want to thank you for
your feedback, patience, and continued support

Regards,

Ruth Smith
United Airlines Customer Relations

I giggled at the "untied airlines" which seems about right. This is a formulaic letter and that's just how it goes. I better go...my husband is cooking dinner and I'm hearing lots of whispered cursing in the kitchen, I'll be back tomorrow!

JUST KIDDING! Or so it seems...

As you all know, I flew to Chicago on Thursday via United Airlines. I hate flying. I really do. The hustle of it, the taking off my shoes and jacket, clearing my bags of all liquids, waiting for hours in an airport, sitting in a cramped plane smelling fumes and worrying about not being able to breath, but I do it because I like to go places.

I am fat and because of my weight this adds an extra layer of fear and reservation about flying. Will I fit? Will I squish the person next to me? Will someone be offended by my weight? What if I need a seat belt extender?

I've been flying to and from NYC through continental and American Airlines and have never not been able to buckle my seat belt even at my highest weight. It is tight and cramped, but I manage.

This time was different... I get right on the United flight and sit beside an equally large man who happens to carry majority of his weight in his belly region.

Not me. I am hippy, and butty and have a shelf that you could eat dinner on. I sit down and the struggle begins. I start sweating, my hands are starting to burn from the force of trying to cram the two pieces of metal together. I hoped that shear will would make it buckle. It just isn't happening- I needed 3 more inches. My face is red, and I am contemplating using my scarf as a hiding device.

Looking back, I would have used my scarf. It was a small plane and really if we were plummeting hundreds of miles into the earth would it really save me? But, my conscious gets the best of me. I start fearing that they have tracking devices up front to see who has and who hasn't buckled, so I take a deep breath and timidly raise my hand.

The flight attendant walks towards me. I can do this, I keep repeating. She is getting closer and I'm sure I'm going to suffocate as the plane seems to be getting smaller. She is now a foot away and I point to my seat belt and my inability to buckle it.

And do you know what she says? Are you ready for this?

YOU CAN'T FIT IN YOUR SEAT?!?!

Me stunned, what? yes, I just can't buckle the belt.

YOU CAN'T BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELT?

No. (obviously)

WELL YOU CAN'T FLY WITH US!

are you serious? I need to get to chicago.

NO YOU HAVE TO GET OFF THE PLANE! COME UP FRONT.

I sit there, just staring at her. The entire plane stares at me. She stands there waiting what seems like a million minutes. I don't budge. And then she says

I'M JUST KIDDING, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I type that in caps, because she was loud and obnoxious. The entire plane was looking at me. I mean, who wouldn't watch this play out? No one around me got the joke and I swear the stares were of sympathy rather than judgment (mostly.)

If this was three years ago, I don't think I would have made it mentally through the whole weekend in Chicago without replaying this situation in my head a thousand times and dreading my flight home. But, I just dealt with it and kept my head up on the way to Chicago.

The thing is, is that I get that I am fat, I get the too fat to fly stuff, but really? Did it need to happen like this? United Airlines has been in the media recently about their treatment of fat people flying, is this their new protocol? Embarrass the shit out of your fat customers so they are too ashamed to fly again?

Hello Monday morning. Its nice to see you. Did you have a nice weekend?

I can't complain about mine. It was busy and I felt like I didn't get enough sleep until Sunday and then we gardened. I planted  peas, zucchini, and watermelon. The tomatoes aren't ready for planting yet, and so excited to see the bell peppers (finally) sprouting up.

Gardening is nice to do with your significant other, its fun to watch this thing happen that you did together. Like having a baby. Or not

I did not do anything productive this weekend (aside from gardening and doing good deeds) to help bring me closer to my weight loss goals. It would be really embarassing for me to write (yet) another post about my decisions and any epiphanies I've had about (still) being fat. It's just silly. I can write a good lot about my procrastination, my inability to follow through, or my lack of consistency and it would be a good read, but where does that get me?

At this point, I can only write about actions and about what I am doing. Not what I plan to do or what I want to do or what I should do. Because writing in a blog about weight loss, and re-losing the same 10 lbs. is kind of fruitless for me and when I feel that other people don't take me seriously, I don't take myself seriously. And we all know where that leads.

Facts: I'm getting married in less than 7 weeks. I weigh 285 today. I am blogging instead of exercising. I have a protein shake chilling in the freezer for breakfast. I washed the dishes (something I hate doing) this morning instead of exercising. I am scared of myself, but know I have control. I always get to decide what happens to me, yet I sabotage myself every single day. When I saw the scale at 280, I ate.

I got an email from Rachel at Brown University asking if I would blog to promote her survey. This is what it reads:

I'm working on my master's degree in Public Health (at Brown Univ. in Rhode Island) with an emphasis in behavioral nutrition. Long story short, I created an online survey about how work environment affects women's eating habits, and I was wondering if you might be willing to post my survey on your blog? This is a project for one of my classes, and it's completely anonymous. The kinds of questions I'm asking are things like:

- During a normal social conversation with people at work, how often do you talk about what, when, or how much to eat?

- How often do you think that the kinds of food you eat at work are different than the kinds you eat at home?

- On a normal day, is there food available in a common area at work?

It's not a test-- no judgment attached to any of the questions. I just want to feel out the blogging community since blogs tend to create a great community for motivation.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE SURVEY

I don't currently work in an office environment (except 7 hours a week), but I remember how it was. We had some of the best sub sandwiched ever literally next door to our office, the best bagels, the best everything within reach every day. Some weeks I would go through phases where eating healthfully at work was much easier than it was at home, and then I would get in the habit of my daily enormous sandwich or my very skinny co-worker would convince me to go in with him for the 2 for 1 sundae's at baskin robbins.

Some weeks I would do really well, I would bring my lunch to work, or order sushi, but the delicious food from around the corner always called out to me. And then it was an office birthday.

Does your job environment affect your health?

CLICK HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS ENTRY

Okay, I'm back from my short hiatus. My laptop basically stopped working for no reason, it couldn't recognize the hard drive so now my sister's husband is working to see if he can recover my files. Oh files, I miss you. I'm obsessive with saving photos off the internet and have folders dedicated for things that interest me like "wedding inspiration", "outfit ideas" , "meal ideas" etc. and hundreds of bookmarked websites. Not to mention all of the graphics I've designed and downloaded music, so crossing my fingers, but its not a huge huge deal.

In good and apperciative news Josh got us new computers over the weekend and here I am blogging again. This laptop even has a webcam so I'm forseeing some videos coming soon if I can get over my stage fright!

So let me tell you, I finally did Jillian's 30 Day Shred last night with Josh and everyone was right it is killer. I kept thinking "if this is level 1, think of level 3" Josh even talked about how hard it was and he is much more fit than I am. It was awesome though and we plan to do it again tonight and the next 30 days according to him. We did however make the mistake of using 8 and 10 lb weights and were pratically dying so we stopped into the wal-marts today and picked up some 3-5 lb weights and an exercise mat for the sit ups. It was also really cool that the session was only a little over 20 minutes which gave me more momentum to keep going. I loved what Jillian said about really working hard to see results and how annoyed she gets when she hears people giving the advice "simply take the stairs at work" in regards to losing weight and getting in shape.

So yeah, give it a try if you haven't already! Exercise today consisted of 140 minutes at the gym, 50 of it was spent doing cardio (elliptical, bike, rowing machine for me) and the rest was doing strength training A.

My eating has not been good for the past two weeks and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I did peak at the scale (i know i know) yesterday and it read 288.0 just two weeks ago I was at 280. I need to stop, seriously and stop using social occasions as a reason to overeat. Sometimes I feel lame watching what I eat when I'm around friends or family and I need to get over that. I can't keep making excuses and not taking my weight loss seriously. I haven't been taking it seriously, and I know that. The only person I'm fooling is myself.

I've been reading more of anti-jareds blog and I love how truthful he is. He doesn't sugar coat the fact that he is the reason why he got up to 400 lbs. and really shows how hard he had/has to work to lose over 200 lbs in years time . He didn't get that way by making excuses or allowing himself to fail. He just did it, every single day. He goes to the gym, and he eats right and he does it consistently and that is why he is not fat and I still am.

I have so many more things I want to type about, but I will leave it at this and start working or other entries before I get scattered! Did you know I'm getting married in a little over nine weeks? Its crunch time! Literally and figuratively.

As soon as I post this I'm going to go in the bathroom take the scale and put it in a very out of the way place. A place where I will not want to get on it twice a day or even be tempted to sneak a peek. Probably somewhere up high.

I love the scale and hate the scale. We've been through a lot together. It has read my ups and downs for over two years now, but it is controlling too many of my actions. Logically, I know it's just a scale, but on some level I haven't realized until now how much I let it dictate what I do next.

I have a problem, if I get on the scale and it is getting lower I sabotage myself and eat too much. If it is higher, I feel sorry for myself and eat something to despite it. Mature, right? I just need a break, I need to get in a place where the desire to lose weight is in my actions and not dictated every morning by the scale game.

I know how to lose weight and be healthy, I have lost weight since the new year and I know that I will keep teetering between 278-283 back and forth if I continue with my patterns. I'm up for the challenge! And it really be a challenge to be in the mindset of weight loss without the emotional roller coaster of the scale. When did it get so powerful?

I know that people stay in check by daily weigh-ins and I think thats great for people who are maintaining a certain weight. I just need uninterrupted action. No distractions, no sabotage.

My goal is weight loss: I'm going to take my measurements today, put on those jeans that don't fit, take my photo and not weigh myself again for a month. See you in April Mr. Scale.