I never thought, in a million years, that a book would help me to stop overeating or binge eating, but it never stopped me from buying them. I read many thousands of words telling me that I was an emotional eater, a stress eater, an addict, disordered and diseased. I read many more thousands of words telling me that I had deep seated issues and until I resolved them I would never stop eating too much. And I read even more thousands of words telling me to cut out flour, sugar, salt, potatoes, honey, red meat, beans, to count calories, to cut carbs, to calculate points, or to cut the fat. I was told moderation and lifestyle change more times than I care to say. Two words that I never truly got. I spent many weeks at the University counselor trying to figure out why I just couldn't stop eating. Her only solution was that I was depressed and needed the medication I never took.

And then Beth came along and left this comment:

Hello! First time commenter!

I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this book, or if you have read it. Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen.

I’ve been a binge eater most of my adult life, and after reading this book, I stopped. I’m not sure how or why, but I did. Dieting and restricting causes bingeing, that I know.

Take care & good luck to you in the new year!

I immediately logged into Amazon to read the reviews. Within five minutes I was already into the first chapter on my Kindle. I couldn't wait to buy the book, I was ready to dive in. The words used to describe the book mention bulimia, a disorder that I've never had. So I want to say first, that if you've struggled with any form of eating to the excess, please consider reading this book. Whatever you call it, overeating, binge eating, bulimia, etc., if you suffer for the urge to eat beyond being full, if you've had many moments of being able to consume large amounts of food and want to stop right now- this book is for you.

Every journey is personal and individual, binge eating is not black and white. As I read Kathryn's words, a women who has never been obese or even overweight I can honestly say I've never eaten to the excess that she describes in Brain Over Binge. I've also never exercised for hours on end to burn the calories I've consumed. This is her form of purging and why she calls herself bulimic.

I'm obese, and it's not because of moderate or "normal" eating. It never has been, obviously. I've been thinking about my weight since I was eight years old and dieting for so long  that I've never really known what normal eating looks or feels like.

I've had glimmers of hope, mainly with intuitive eating, but my urges to eat more always took over. I've been saying tomorrow I'll be better for so long, it's become my default response when life gets in the way.

Since reading Brain Over Binge, I've debated how I'd approach presenting this information on my blog. And after much debate I decided that I could only best explain how I've changed as a result. The book is too in depth and I fear I would do Kathryn and her research much disservice to explain it in any other way. You can read more about her and purchase the book on her website here: Brain Over Binge.

I would love to discuss this book more in depth with those that have read the book or plan to read the book and would like to open my comments up for discussion.

**I was in no way compensated for my opinion. I've linked directly to Kathryn's site, not Amazon, for those interested in purchasing it.**

Thursday morning after reading the first few pages of Brain Over Binge  I wanted to eat a biscuit. I rarely eat fast food biscuits, but this morning all I wanted to do was eat while reading a book about eating. Hello, irony.

Normally, a day that starts with a 900 calorie biscuit meal doesn't end well. Because I wasn't "perfect" at breakfast I would normally use that as an excuse to eat what I wanted for the rest of the day and start over tomorrow.

But something changed in those next three hours. I learned that I am not all of the horrible things I always believed I was because of my binge eating. I learned that I am not an emotional eater or addicted to sugar like I always thought. Over time my brain has formed neurological pathways that give me the urge to binge. These urges are so strong that I often cannot concentrate until I alleviate the discomfort of the urge. The pathways were formed first by dieting and then by habit. So now my body believes it needs to binge in order to survive and cope. But, these urges are not me. Logically, I know better. I am not overeating because I have depression, low self-esteem, trauma or an imperfect life, I binge because my body become accustom to it. I learned that when I changed my career, hair, or bought something new, I was trying to change my life. I was trying to fulfill and fill ever corner of my life with events and stuff in a desperate attempt to recover.

I believed that somehow, changing any part of my life would make me complete so that I could stop overeating once and for all. I've searched in vain for over ten years for anything to make me whole. To fix me. To dull the desire to keep eating. I believed that I just hadn't found the right program to tell me how to be better. The right experience, job, relationship, or outfit. I believed that I had to turn my life upside down to make real changes. That I had to stop cooking or baking, or eating out. That I'd have to give up every food that I ever binged, to stop slowly killing myself and to gain control once and for all. On some level, I already knew all of this, I just couldn't believe it was that easy.

After those three hours of reading I said to Josh "I finally get it". And then I started to sob, mostly because I felt like three thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. All I could say was "There's nothing wrong with me! Why didn't anyone ever tell me?! I'm not crazy, lazy, stupid, diseased or suffering.".

And Thursday, for the first time in my life I learned how to almost effortlessly calm myself and take control. In just a few hours my day had turned around. It wasn't perfect, I hadn't solved my life's problems- I just ate and moved on. I felt normal. Instead of stuffing or fighting my urges to eat, I just sat with them and reminded myself that those thoughts are not me. The urges come from years of dieting and habit. I do not have to fight these urges or feel guilty about them. I just sit with the feelings, acknowledge them, remind myself that they are not my higher, more logical self, and it passes. Deep down, I've never wanted to binge and I know logically know this. I know what healthful eating looks like.

Friday I played with fire. I made cookies. I ate two and put the rest away. And these weren't just any cookie. They were amazing. I made a lovely dinner of salad and lentil soup. Nourishing and healthful food that I truly craved and then had two cookies and moved on. Even as I type this, there is a bowl of cookies on the counter and that all too familiar voice to eat all of them and start over tomorrow, is dull. It's almost nonexistent. And for that, I am grateful.

I realize that this post is full of hyperbole, as is my fashion when I get excited about something, but I can honestly say to you that I will never binge again. I will never hide or sneak food. Eat in the car or give myself the promises of tomorrow. And as they say, the proof is in the pudding, I so look forward to sharing this journey with you.

Old habits die hard. I'm hearing this a lot, as well as replacing old habits with new habits. And finding it difficult to identify these bad habits is a process in and of itself. Sometimes I don't even know it's a habit, or that it's keeping me from my goals.

A couple of days ago I went through the house and threw out food that could cause me to binge. I went through this whole mental process of thinking this is wasteful, I can handle small amounts, and is this really bad to have around? It's hard for throw away perfectly good "food", but I did anyway and I have another round to go. I have boxes of graham cracks leftover from gingerbread house building, and right now they aren't tempting- I could care less about graham crackers, but I worry about what they could turn into. So I will give them away.

And now I'm thinking of tackling my sugar/brown sugar and flour reserves. I cook occasionally with sugar, but I know I can use honey instead. Not much can be done (of the overeating variety, for me) without sugar, so I will keep the flour. I'm actually having these thoughts, what could I easily turn into a dessert? If this can be a dessert, it should go. This is the thing with being able to bake, you can do it quickly and easily without much on hand.

Old habits for me, are thinking "I can handle this", and in the moment I can, but eventually something will pop up and I'll find myself making brownies in the microwave and wondering how that even happened. Steps A to B to eating are a blur to me and I'm left with brownie residue in a mug trying very hard to wash away the evidence.

I'm asking myself, how can I  replace these habits and old ways of thinking? It's a challenge, it's hard to question a behavior you've worked hard at protecting.

What habits are you trying to throw away?

...but you can't have everything you want.

That has been my food mantra from the past several days. I'm trying to replace old habits with new habits and it's hard. It's hard because my old ones are so close. There are many days when I know that my habit to overeat is in a closet just a few steps away ready to be opened to rescue me from whatever uncomfortable situation I'm dealing with. Often that situation is telling myself "no" when so often I've said yes.

I know in the back of my mind that I can overeat whenever I want,  that option is always there.  I can throw in the towel and just eat more. When this happens my brain shuts off. There are few rational thoughts that happen when I transfer  food to my mouth. Often while the TV is on and I'm alone. These are habits that I've cultivated, rationalized, and made sense of in some way for many years. And now I'm left to immerse myself in other behaviors that are less self-destructive and bring me closer to my goals.

This is the hard part.

I've realized that action is not difficult for me. Counting calories isn't the bear I've made it out to be. Making time for exercise everyday is possible, even enjoyable. But it's often my head and my old habits that get in the way.

Right now, the lengths I have to go to prevent overeating may seem extreme to other people. So much so, that I don't share. I don't  starve myself, purge, or punish myself in any way, but I have to become someone I'm naturally not. Someone who plans.

My life  has become a game of chess. I know the next five to ten moves I'm going to make. I know what will trigger me and what I can handle. I can handle baking if I have a plan. Brush teeth, chew gum, clean bowl, put it away or in the freezer. I can handle having trigger foods in the house (which for me, is pretty much all food that is delicious) if I've had enough to eat, a plan, and positive actions throughout the day.

I know that if I don't have a plan for my day, I overeat. I know that if my plan is to eat one cookie, and I eat two instead, I will eventually find myself full from and justifying my tenth cookie.

Interestingly enough my most productive days are easiest for me not to overeat. Overeating is not an isolated event. It's my default when I don't know what to do. When I feel lost, I eat. When I feel lost, I am sad. When I am sad, I eat. When I eat too much I become unproductive. When I become unproductive, I become sad and then I eat.

My days are filled, because making things happen distracts me. It gives me direction. It keeps my hands and my mind busy and happy.

There is a part of me that worries that I cannot sustain being so mapped out forever, and I don't disagree. I'm using busy as a distraction for now. I have my still moments, writing this for example is stillness for me. Creating is stillness. My grand hope is that the more I create and cultivate these habits of not turning to food, the easier it will become. I will have created a new neurological pathway. I don't need to coddle or protect myself as much as I think I do. I can be uncomfortable. Yes, I need to value and cherish myself. Take time for myself. Figure myself out. But, pushing myself to be better and healthier does not have to be unnatural or punishing. It's okay for me to tell myself "no". It's okay to plan and give myself the best possible outcome everyday.

I've always believed, on some level, that not giving in to my every whim or desire was in some way self punishing. In some way against who I am. That I would lose myself if I tried to be different or tried to be better. But I'm realizing that the opposite is true. Who I am, at my core, cannot be found in destructive behaviors. I am not my depression. I am not too much food. I am not someone who doesn't make things happen for herself.  I am not tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I am not procrastination. I am not my need to be comfortable.

Having a blog is awesome. Especially on Thursday evenings when the delivery guy comes bearing a package of food! A couple of weeks ago Jennifer and Kevin from Gobble Green Gourmet Vegan Delivery Service contacted me to see if I'd like to try out their meal service in return for a review on my blog. Seven days of gourmet vegan food? uh, yes!

I sat in the living room with Josh sorting through the vacuum sealed meals and each time I'd pull something out  I'd yell "look it's pizza!" "look spaghetti!" it's the small things folks.

Here's the question...was I nervous about vegan food? Yes. Was Josh giving me weird looks as I pulled the food out? Food with ingredients pretending to be something they aren't? yes and yes. We eat meat, and we eat dairy (albeit local as much as possible) on a regular basis around here, so I think he (as open as he  is about food) was slightly relieved that he wasn't the one blogging about this sort of thing. That is, until I couldn't find my Gobble Green snickerdoodle cookies. Where had they gone?

Friday, day one. I decided to stick with the meals they had planned for the day despite my rebellious tendency to dance around rules. I was excited that I wouldn't have to think about what I was going to eat for breakfast or lunch. In the morning i plugged everything into Weight Watchers online...25 points total including dessert, not bad, not bad at all.

Breakfast started with a banana muffin and fruit salad. I let it sit on the counter straight from the freezer while I got ready for work. I took a picture frozen:

I heated up the muffin in the microwave per instruction and it was good, but nothing like the cloyingly sweet cake-like muffins that I'm used to. This one was more like a scone, lightly sweetened, dense, with a strong banana taste. I felt like I was eating something good for me rather than dessert pretending to be breakfast.

I felt good for it. If there were more, I wouldn't have eaten them with wild abandon. One was filling and sufficient. The wrapper did stick to the muffin a bit, I imagine from the freezer+ microwave moisture.

I placed the fruit in a bag and let it thaw out in transit to work. The photo above is the exact portion.

A couple of hours later I dug into my bag of trail mix that was assigned: mid-morning snack. And I snacked pretty much all morning on this.

By noon I was feeling good. I didn't feel bloated or full. I was comfortable. My energy was up, my moods were balanced, but I was ready to try the vegan "chicken" nuggets.

I took them out of the freezer in the morning and left them in the refrigerator until I was ready to eat them at noon. I preheated the oven to 425 degrees and baked them for about 5 minutes.

I was nervous about eating this. They looked a bit slimy coming out of the package and well, I don't like real chicken nuggets. Verdict? Chewy and flavorful. The dipping sauce was amazing! I loved it. I let a couple of my co-workers try them and one said "I love the texture! It's like real chicken and they are really flavorful" she was also impressed by the calorie count, protein and ingredients. Another co-worker tried them and she immediately said "I love these! They are addictive, I could eat a lot more!" She also noted that they tasted good with or without the sauce.

For dessert I chose the chocolate cake and let me just say it was amazing! It wasn't just good for being vegan, it was good period. It may have been one of the best tasting chocolate cakes I've ever had, it wasn't over the top or too sweet. I didn't let it thaw all the way, but I'm convinced that half-frozen desserts are just as good. The chocolate cake was rich and fudgey and the icing was smooth. Delicious. The ingredients are not bad at all:

organic vegan sugar, cocoa, cornstarch, salt, organic flour, baking soda, soybean oil, vanilla extract, white vinegar, expeller-pressed natural oil blend (soybean, palm fruit, canola and olive oils), soy protein, soy lecithin, lactic acid (non-dairy, derived from sugar beets)

That evening I had Indian food for dinner so I saved my vegan dinner for another day.

The next morning I pulled the vegan sausage and cheese biscuit out of the freezer and put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes. This meal wasn't on my list for day two, but I was eager to try it as I have a weak spot for breakfast sandwiches.

The biscuit was dense, and the sausage tasted like sausage with a chewier texture. The cheese didn't add or take away from the sandwich, it was just another flavor. Overall the sandwich was very flavorful, but not addictive like I find fast food sausage biscuits to be. It wasn't greasy or fatty in any way, it was like a biscuit minus all the bad stuff.

How did this get in there? Okay, after you eat one of their vegan chocolate chip cookies, you will know that the folks at Gobble Green can do no wrong in the world. Seriously, top chocolate chip cookie ever.

I had lunch at a meeting and later on in the evening I broke out the vegan supreme pizza. Baked it in the oven at 425 for about 12 minutes.

It was really good, I loved the green peppers, the crust and the sauce. The cheese wasn't like regular mozzarella, in the way that is strings out when melted. This cheese melted much like American cheese, in a gooey sort of way. It wasn't bad, just a texture to get used to. Josh tried a slice and said that it was way better than he expected and flavorful.

I've been eyeing the blueberry pancakes for a couple of days now and decided to have them for breakfast this morning. I took them out of the freezer and let them thaw out for a few minutes before heating up in the griddle. In the package, they look weird and sad. Just pressed in there with a package of organic syrup dangling behind. After heating them up and putting the syrup on I had two thoughts:oooh butter and aunt Jemima. That would defeat the purpose and I ate as-is.

They were glorious. They smelled like waffle cones in an ice cream shop, they were slightly crunchy around the edges (how I like them to be) and soft, sweet and hearty. The syrup was the right amount. So good, and highly impressed, I couldn't get over how good these were.

I have a few more days left of Gobble Green meals and at this point all I have to say is: bring it on!

Thank you for your get-well wishes and also for dropping by to share what your favorite foods are. I love that! It seems like such an obvious thing to know what we like to eat, but like one commenter said, it's easy to forget what we like to eat when there are so many foods that we think we should like, yet don't.

I'm trying to get back into blogging and a whole mess of things, but as usual I've got so much to do (self-inflicted, mind you) that I have a hard time just starting, or even just sitting down and writing when I know that is exactly what I need to do for myself.

The rest of the month is pretty much booked up for us, in a good sort of way. My mom and aunt are visiting this weekend. Rumor got out that I'm turning 27 on Sunday. So I decided to go all out and have a roller skating party. I haven't roller skated in oh, 14 years? maybe more? I'll be right there at the rail, where I always was.

We are still in financial-moving limbo, which up until this point I was totally "go with the flow" about. I like to pick and choose what I get bunched up about in my life and for some reason not owning a home isn't one of them. That was, until they told us they would call with approval at the latest on Tuesday. It's now Wednesday and word has it that they called my employer for proof of employment. Apparently a W2 and pay stubs weren't enough. And then plan B sinks in...

What is plan B? Reapply for a loan? Move to another city and continue renting? Find another home? Plan B, can sometimes be the best move even though it never feels like it at the time. I'm old enough to realize that sometimes it's what doesn't happen that is the best for us. But, I'm also old enough to realize that you have to make things happen too. So we wait.

And then I start asking myself...Am I where I need to be? Am I headed in the right direction? I'm way too much of an existentialist for my own good. I don't lose sleep over the fact that I haven't cleaned in god knows how long, or maybe not getting approved for a mortgage, or the fact that I over dyed my roots last night and look sorta crazy, or just little tiny details of day to day life. Nope, not me. Those things can be fixed: I can clean today, we still have a roof over our head and I can dye my hair back

Everything is related and I just wish sometimes that I could be like other people. Okay with being at the same job for the rest of their lives, okay with simple day to day security, okay with watching the same network tv shows after work, okay with never dancing, or changing the color of my hair, or how I dress, or never wondering that I'm giving enough of myself, or never accomplishing anything. I worry about losing friends, or never making new friends, or never being a truly kind or likable person. Just okay with being, just as I am for the rest of my life. I envy those people, but grateful that I'm not.

I always ask myself "will i be okay if i go my whole life without doing __________" and the answer is almost always no. But, it's not possible to do everything in one life. I worry about never making enough money to travel, to visit new cities, to visit old cities that I once loved, to own my own business, to raise a child, to eat good food. I worry about getting stuck, complacent, comfortable. I worry about being one of those women who has the same hair style for 15 years, that ones I see sobbing on Oprah makeover specials. The ones that forget who they were, their dreams and some how changing their hair, changes everything. Even though it has nothing to do with their hair.

Am I having a quarter life crisis?

Despite my best efforts to move forward with my health goals this week, I am in a full on funk and it's safe to say I've been here for awhile. Sure, I'm functioning. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking care of things. I'm blogging and generally eating better post holidays, but I need a mental refreshing.

I don't know if it is the weater. It snowed about 14 inches almost 3 weeks ago and the snow is still on the ground. On top of that we had an ice storm and freezing weather ever since. Our hot water is frozen, our kitchen sink drain is frozen and the short walk to the car evey morning takes skillfull balance not to fall over.

Despite the weather, I know that my weight is what is really eating at me. I kept a food/weight journal (not public) for my own keeping for "the cleanse" and when I stopped I really let go of everything and packed on the weight. I know that 15 (approximate) pounds is not the end of the world, but I feel different. When you gain weight when you're trying to lose weight and when you are already big, it is not easy mentally or physically.

I was holding steady at 275 and the weight was dropping. And then I just went right back up and it's so annoying that I let myself get back to 290. 290. I thought I was past this. I donated all of my size 24+ jeans to goodwill. To make a point...I'd never be here again. And here I am. Wearing the last size 24 pair of jeans I have on regular rotation. My size 22 skirts fit, and forget about the size 22 pants.

It's scary to me how fast and easy it is for me to be back where I started. To throw work away, to have fear of myself. Fear that I will never get past these hurdles.  I believe I will get better. I believe I will be healthier, but I can't deny the fact that I have some serious work to do with myself before abusing food is a thing of the past. 

I have seriously bad habits that I have gone in and out of over the course of this blog. One of them is eating in private. I am a big believer that "diet" food is a scam and I am sure that when people see me not eating the standard diet fare (salads no dressing, low fat everything, low calorie, low carb, sugar free, diet soda etc.) they think "this is why you can't lose weight" , but in fact it's never what you see me eating that is keeping me fat, it's what you don't see me eating that is the key to my weight issues.

I know good and well that I can eat real, good, delicious foods and lose weight. I've done it before. What keeps me fat is my dependency on food. My funks, my depression, my cycles, my inconsistency and my private eating.

I've done some pretty wacky things when alone:

Okay maybe not quite like that. But, I've eaten in my car more times than I can even begin to say. I even bought these lemon filled cookies once and hid them in my underwear drawer (in the package, of course) which were later found by Josh looking for a pair of socks. He asked me about it, he questioned why I was hiding food and  I just sat there. Two worlds collided. My secret world and my real world were staring each other in the face and I was embarrassed.

My bad habits are skeletons in my closet. They are shameful little secrets that no one knows about. How I used to go from one fast food place to another so that I could amass food without them knowing I was ordering all of that food just for me. How I've thrown food out of the car window. How I've eaten a pint of icecream in the car without a spoon. Or the little weird habits that I pick up while eating in private. If a car passes, I pretend not to be eating.

The only way for me to get over this is by sharing it. To stop fearing it and to be open about it. The more that I keep this behavior a secret the more control that I give it. I am writing this as a way to "come clean" and to move forward. My goal is to stop eating in my car. And to stop eating secretly. I'm not saying I can't eat along, because that doesn't make any sense, but avoiding behavior that I wouldn't participate in front of other people. And  telling you guys about it, not out of punishment, but to get over this once and for all.

I miss you. It's been two weeks and well, I let Thanksgiving week get the best of me. I ate, mostly sensibly, but I ate out of my cleansing guidelines and haven't been exercising and now it's a week later and here I am. 

The cleansing diet is hard, but I felt so good. I wasn't starving in the morning, my mood was stable, I had more energy and yet why do I let the inconvenience of it all keep me from sticking with it? The three weeks that I was doing well I always thought "this should be how I eat most of the time and everything else occasionally".

Protein and vegetables should be 80% of my diet and the rest would be the remaining. I know this.

I don't want to go down the road of "what is wrong with me?" or "why can't i stick to anything?" because I don't feel that way. I feel good. I feel positive that I will get to my goals. That I am getting healthier and that I will be where my body needs to be for long-term health. I know it will happen.

I think it would be unrealistic of me to think that I will go the rest of the month without baking or enjoying holiday foods. But, how much do I need? Do I need this month to be so indulgent that I just fill bloated and lethargic all the time? I want to bake and cook.

I want to share my ideas for both here and in my other blog. I want balance (I always want balance) and I want moderation and health. I want to exercise daily.

I need you, blog. I need to come here daily, even on the days when I struggle. Not to punish myself or to ask for other people to do so (trust me, they have) I want to share again, because I have a lot to share.

One of my favorite blogs is The Hidden Seed. Not only because of her stunning daily outfits, but because of her mission statement. If you get a chance, read the story behind her blog. I believe whole heartily in what she is sharing and why. This is kind of where I want to be.

Will you give me another chance?

Thanks for listening.

xo  Lorrie

Occasionally something will happen to us so often that we accept how it feels and then when it's no longer there we forget why we ever accepted the way things were.

I've been making it a habit with my healthful eating plan to make note of how I feel in a little journal. Noticing small and big changes as I move through the next few weeks. One big change that is so confusing and well accepted by me is my lack of hunger and cravings.

I first noticed this on saturday when I had a green apple for lunch before I went out to go shopping. I forgot about eating until that evening. Which is not a good thing, but so surprising for me I just went with it. Sure I was tempted by all of the comforting ideas of seasonal food (flavored coffee, or christmas candy were high on that list) but, aside from my initial knee-jerk reaction to comfort myself I just did not have hunger.

Hunger for me that I can recall after all of these years is very uncomfortable. I get grouchy, irritable, nauseous and that feeling of  IF I DON'T EAT RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL EAT YOUR ARM OFF. Which looking at it more closely could be a symptom of high and low blood sugar spikes.

Now that I feel stable in that area, I seem to be able to go longer periods without food and caving to cravings. When I wake up I don't feel that empty -sick feeling of hunger. Hunger is there, but it is more subtle and less uncomfortable.

Its too early to assume I am cured of this desire to overeat, because I'm not. But, I really like how I feel. I like being able to go about my day and not be consumed with the thought of eating or wondering how I'm going to sneak extra food in my day.

This is the time when I want to start to slip into old habits. In the week that I've been following this program to feel better, I've realized a couple of things about myself...

For starters, I find I have not always kept up the environment for real change. Making changes to be healthier when you are otherwise not, or at least somewhat kind of doing so, requires being prepared. I find that if there are dirty dishes I don't want to cook and therefore want a "quick fix", I also find that there are times when I just don't want to cook and reach for the quickest thing to eat.

Following this plan has required me to plan ahead, cook more for the next day and to expect that it isn't going to be perfect. Perfect is a big word. Why do anything if it won't be perfect? That is a huge underlying current of my life. I struggle with this blog, why blog if it isn't up to some standard I've held for myself.

And I'm here to be the first person to say...this mentality does not work when you are trying to progress and move forward. Action of any kind is as perfect, as perfect will ever get.

The thing is, is that I know how to be a healthy person. I know that the way I have been eating this week is how I should eat majority of the time. Does that mean I can't have dinners out in the future of my favorite Indian meal? no. Does that mean I can't find room for baking and enjoy treats sometimes? no. What it does mean is finding balance.

Anytime I start a program I begin to feel uncomfortable. I start feeling sad and sorry for myself because I'm not eating comforting foods in excess. Foods that ultimately make me sick. Foods that decrease my energy rather than increase. Foods that make me feel depressed. Yet, turning to food for comfort is a huge crutch for me. I know it will always be there. What happens when you take that away? Uncomfortable feelings creep up and the desire becomes strong to cover them up with food.

Everyday this week I have felt energetic, happy and good about the food I have been eating. Physically the rewards of eating good are amazing, mentally all I want to do is watch the Food Network and feel sorry for myself about all the food I'm not cooking and eating right now. Last night I caved and made myself a spinach tortilla pizza with cheese. Cheese is not on my plan right now and I made it because it was quick, easy, comforting and familiar. This isn't to say that I think this is the worst food ever and no one should ever enjoy it because there is a balance.

But after I ate it I felt my old friend lethargy creep up. The thing about feeling tired is, is that food has a lot to do with it. How much energy we put out is another factor. I think I've gone a long time accepting food-moods and lethargy as a way of life. In the future, I know I will eat pizza, but it is the other actions around the pizza that give it balance. It can either take away from my health or add balance to it. I can eat nice foods all day and after eating it not think "well I ate that, I might as well eat a pint of ice cream" and then there goes exercise. And back to where I started.

I know this is a big rambly mess, but I needed to get this out. And that is ultimately why I do this and tend to forget.

This morning all I could think was "oooh I could just go get a biscuit while I'm out and start my plan all over again on Sunday" and "then I could find something sweet". I have these thoughts and I need to confess to them, not because I'm a bad person, but because this is my reality. This is why I weigh what I do for as long as I have.

My action plan for today has nothing to-do with biscuits or sweets. If it did, I would get little done today. I'm going thrift shopping and working on my new blog: www.beautifullayers.comwhich could not have come at a better time. It's a feel good non-food related outlet for me. I need these blogs. Josh is taking me out for a nice steak and salad dinner. I'm going to take all of my supplements today. I'm going to clean the kitchen and I'm going to be prepared with food.

It's pretty bad when your husband asks you daily if you've updated your blog. And every day you keep adding it to your list of things to do. Since when did updating my blog become a to-do list item? For me, the to-do list is a place where tasks I really don't want to do go and hide for weeks on end.

While at BlogHer I had a chance to talk to Krissie and Fat Bridesmaid about why I haven't been blogging and never came up with a definite answer aside from losing direction. But now I'm convinced it is my lack of direction that is making it hard to keep coming back.

I am doing (to me) blog worthy stuff. I am pretty much primarily buying local food, I haven't eaten meat in a month (today!), I'm still training for a 5k at the end of the month, I've been making effort to wear cute outfits and yet the elephant in the room? I am still fat. I have fluctuated and maintained this weight for 2 years now. Yesterday I got on the scale: 273.

Sure, I haven't gained. And can perhaps say that I know how to maintain weight without gaining significantly, at least at this weight. And sure I don't weigh my old 315+ of my post West Virginia days, but where am I going? What are my new goals?

I feel like I want to take a big hose to this whole thing and start afresh with new focus, excitement, and dedication.

WHO AM I BLOGGING FOR?  Is the question that lingers and I ask myself a lot. A question that came up a lot during BlogHer. If I have a weight loss blog, yet have not lost blog worthy weight in over two years, what in the world have I been blogging about?

The life that still continues to happen, despite still being fat. Its true, I am still fat. And yet, I feel different than I did two years ago. I'm completely changed by blogging and by refusing to stop living my life because I haven't reached goal weight. Acceptance? Settling? I don't know.

Here is another fact. I have been doing some form of dieting or trying to lose weight in endless cycles and I know that if I had said two years ago "if I just focused on my health, eating better, moving more, rather than the number on the scale, rather than the next event coming up" I would not still weigh 273.

I keep waiting for the time in my life that I won't be too busy to take care of my health. A time when the dust has settled and planning for the next something has stopped. Guess what? That time will never come. I've come to realize that this is the action chapter of my life, and a good thing too, right? I have something planned almost every weekend until January. I've got a list of projects I'm working on, ideas I'm formulating, things I'm learning. It is all very fun and exciting and isn't going to stop any time soon so that I can "focus on losing weight."

I want to go back to the basics around here, blogging food, updating weight loss, talking about what I've learned, sharing outfit ideas etc. with the new twist of not following a new diet (other than the one of going back in time food-wise, and my deep interest in this) or trying to be x amount of weight by x amount of time. That isn't to say I want to be goal less, I just want to take weight loss off of my future to-do list and make it a current action that is happening everyday. Like brushing my teeth or washing my face.

Oh!

Thank you for the support and overwhelming response about my United Airlines experience. oh sigh. Are you ready for the response to my letter?

Dear Mrs. Burger,

Thank you for contacting us.  I appreciate the opportunity to respond.

I apologize that a member of our Untied Express Mesa airlines commuter
flight crew was not discreet or caring when you asked for a seat belt
extender.  Your feedback with be passed along to the management staff of
onboard services for Mesa airlines for their review with the crew from
your flight.

On behalf of United Airlines and United Express I want to thank you for
your feedback, patience, and continued support

Regards,

Ruth Smith
United Airlines Customer Relations

I giggled at the "untied airlines" which seems about right. This is a formulaic letter and that's just how it goes. I better go...my husband is cooking dinner and I'm hearing lots of whispered cursing in the kitchen, I'll be back tomorrow!