I decided to take Friday night off from Insanity because my sore throat has moved into my chest and it causing much coughing and hacking. Let me tell ya, it's attractive stuff.

I haven't been getting enough sleep this week, my body is tired and I just needed a break. Back to it today though (Saturday!) and ready for it. I've been eating emergen-c like crazy. Josh tells me he used to eat it as candy right out of the packet. Have you tried emergen-c? I'm eating the kind with 500 mg of glucosamine because I'm worried that being so heavy + intense exercise is taking it's toll on my body.

I was going through archives recently and realized that I haven't done a wardrobe remix or anything fashion related in a long, long time. I'll get on that!

What are your plans for the weekend? Here is my tentative to-do list:

• Finish up custom jewelry orders, get those out in the mail
• Organize jewelry area, make jewelry for shop update and upcoming craft show
• Update blog (of course)
• Exercise
• Create a meal plan for next week
• Clean the house and do some packing (!!!) (I desperately need to clean)
• Get all my shipping/packaging supplies together and organized
• Return emails
• And a bunch of other loose ends.

So guess what? My favorite blogger ever (ever ever ever) of all time is adopting and while I've never met her in person and doubt I ever will I am as happy for her as I could be for a close friend. Alicia Paulson from Posie Gets Cozy.

I've been reading her blog for years, I re-read her blog archives at the beginning of every season. She writes memories in such a way that would make you think she has time travel abilities, she draws upon feelings and emotions from childhood, and growing up as if she just watched everything play out in a movie. She is super creative, self-employed, author and all around genuinely special person. She has has hardship in her life; an accident shortly after moving to Portland and yet she has accomplished so much.

She has inspired me, and a lot of what I do has been energized by her own passion and success in blogging and creativity. I could not imagine someone better suited to be a mother. And I just wanted to share because I needed to tell someone how excited I am and what better way than my own blog? I came this close to waking Josh up telling him that "Alicia and her husband are adopting!!!!" but instead I'm telling you guys.

Tonights entry is brought to you from my bed via my blackberry. I didn"t want to miss posting, but man I"m pooped! We did day three of insanity tonight which is a double dose of sore. My body is angry : )

Anywhoo, I"ll be back tomorrow with todays calorie burn total. I'm off to dream land, kitty is at my feet!

Ps: happy 27th to fat bridesmaid!!

Sweaty and sore pretty much sum it up. We just finished day two of the Insanity workout and guess what? It was insane. We actually got into the workout today and it was by far the hardest workout I've ever done. Ever. In my whole life. It was like Biggest Loser contestant hard. Grunting included.

For serious. I loved it though. How is it possible to enjoy something that is so hard? For starters when I couldn't do an exercise like say jumping push ups, I modified it and pushed myself. The 45 minutes went by quickly and while the exercises were hard I liked not having to memorize steps. The warm-up was just as hard, if not harder than the actual workout.

Check out my GoWear Fit results:

See that huge spike around 7pm? That was Insanity, I was burning up to 14 calories per minute. I can only imagine what my body is going to feel like tomorrow.

Oh! I (we) got new workout shoes...this is funny to me, but we got his and her's nike air span + 7 running shoes:

I'm still following the "S" plan (no snacks, sweets or seconds except for days that begin with S or special occasions) and it really has cut out a lot of excess eating. I did allow myself to have moderate seconds as lunch today to make up for not having breakfast, but I'm really pleased with how I feel on this plan.

I've moved my weight loss goal up to April to coincide with our trip to Vegas on the first, I really want to be at 265 by then! What goals are you working on?

Tuesday I went into work with a gut feeling that I should have just stayed home. The weather forecast was ice, sleet and snow and barely two hours into the work day I decided to make it home before the storm hit.

Instead of retelling the story, I figured that my GoWear Fit activity log could do that for me:

See that chunk of activity in my otherwise sedentary day? That's when the car got stuck. About two and a half miles from home. I was halfway up the hill and I just started sliding back down. My actions before deciding to walk home were as follows: get out of car (that is in the middle of the road) and try to push it up or down the hill. That was stupid. Start walking up the hill assuming people could get around. Realizing (again) that wasn't smart. Walking back down, getting back in the car and somehow reversing the car so it was not in the ditch, but not in the road. That worked and I tried not to freak out too much when I realized that I was in full reverse mode in 2nd gear. Nice. So I started walking.

And you know what? I didn't even care. I wasn't mad, hopeless, or frustrated. I just walked home in the snow. I looked at it as an adventure. I didn't have my cell phone with me (which is a very bad habit, I'll admit) but I would have had to walk either way. I got cardio in, and by the time I made it home I felt really good from the exercise. Go figure. The car was towed home for free thanks to our car insurance and within 30 minutes it was as though nothing ever happened.

I realized that I'm capable of pushing myself even when I think I can't. I was fighting a cold and my left leg was bothering me. And both perceived ailments were much better after this walk.

As you can see, I set my calorie burn target really high! I love challenging myself to get in the 3,000 range. A normal day without exercise is in the low 2,000's.

Tyler from 344pounds.com graciously agreed to do an interview with me!

TFG: Hi Tyler! Thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions for me to share on my blog. I stopped by your blog in March of 2009 two months into your lifestyle change and then stopped by again this week via your famous CNN interview (congrats by the way!) can you describe where you were mentally in January of 2009 and what made you decide to embark your weight loss journey?

Tyler: Mentally in 2009 - Losing weight wasn't a New Years resolution for me as most people think, it was simply a coincidence I started my weight loss journey in the month of January.  I actually started losing weight one random morning in mid-January.  I had just completed a 1,000+ calorie fast food breakfast (the usual) and I had to use the restroom.  On the way out, I decided to stop and take a look at myself.  While I typically avoided mirrors (and cameras), I just couldn't stop staring. I was disgusted.  And I was scared.  I went back to my desk and started by throwing away the rest of my breakfast.
 
TFG: You mentioned trying many fad diets through the years, what do you think prevented you from being successful in the past compared to your success in 2009?

Tyler: I wasn't successful in the past because I couldn't enjoy the foods I loved.  You can't tell me, or most other people for that matter, that they can no longer enjoy the foods and drinks they have become accustomed to for decades. I like sweet tea, hot wings, and buffalo chips -- they still have a place in my life with my new healthy lifestyle, just in moderation.
 
TFG: You consistently lost weight counting calories eating the foods that you enjoy rather than the traditional "diet" fare. How has this helped you? I frequently get comments when I post food that isn't as you call "rabbit food" with advice about how I should eat/shouldn't eat. Do you get these comments? How do you deal with diet advice or negativity towards what you choose to eat?

Tyler: I got a lot of those comments when I posted the foods I ate (still eat).  I haven't posted calories in a while and the negative comments are part of the reason.  I just ignored them, I only have one mother and she doesn't comment.
 
TFG: You've obviously scaled down your restaurant portions over the past year to incorporate them into your healthier lifestyle, how to you prevent yourself from overeating some of your favorite foods? Do you have any tips for eating out?

Tyler: Dine out less, it's as simple as that.  When I'm at a restaurant, temptations are almost unbearable.  If I do go to a restaurant and I manage to be good, I'll order a water and get no appetizer/dessert.  While the entree portion sizes are obviously massive at restaurants, the damage is at least limited. As far as overeating is concerned, I definitely don't have an answer for that.  I don't think anybody does.  On occasion, I still go to my favorite chinese (buffet) and get about a dozen sushi rolls.  I love sushi too much and can't stop eating once I get started.
 

 TFG: You've lost over 125 lbs. now (congratulations again!) is there a difference in the way people treat you now compared to when you were much heavier?

Tyler: They definitely do.  It's sad, but it's very real.

TFG: As someone who has lost and gained the same weight over the past few years, I've gotten to the point where I wonder if I will ever lose weight. Do you have any advice for those  who are still struggling to lose weight? Did you worry about others taking you seriously?

Tyler:  Just believe the next effort is the time you lose the weight for good.  You have to have faith.  I have had countless weight loss attempts, just like most people, before this time was the time I hit the "jackpot."  I had faith to try losing weight one more time and you have to have the faith to try again as well.
 
TFG: How do your friends and family respond to your new habits? Have you lost or gained any new friends in this process?

Tyler: My friends and family have supported my healthy lifestyle changes and a couple have started going to the gym to lose a few pounds themselves (debatable whether it was because of me). 
 
TFG: In 5 words, can you tell us what are the most important factors when losing weight?

Tyler: Keep eating foods you enjoy. 

TFG: Tyler, thank you for taking the time to answer these questions! You truly are an inspiration.

If I gained nothing else from my last entry it is: I am not alone. Not even close. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your voice along with mine. I've done a lot of thinking, gathering, and contemplating since I wrote that and a little bit of much needed crying. I realized what I already know: I choose my direction.

Gaining weight can be a slippery slope and I don't have to go down that path. I felt for the first time true sorrow for what I am choosing to do to myself. When I watch the biggest loser and see the contestants crying about what they have done to their bodies and the toll it takes on their loved ones. I never got it. I just saw it as "this is my own issue and it's not that big of a deal", but then I realized that 290 could easily become 300. And 300 could easily become 320 and then 350 and then 400. Eating my life away. Is this really what I want for myself? My future? My husband and our life?

No. And I cried, because I was choosing that for myself. I was choosing a half-life. I was choosing insecurities over confidence. Fear over health.  To be comfortable rather than just dealing with life. And for what? Temporary satisfaction or the soothing tone of excess?

I was going through emails recently, some dating back to March of 2009. One caught my attention, it was from Tyler Weeks. The same Tyler from 344pounds.com which coincidentally came right at the same time of his CNN Health article. Tyler has lost 125 lbs. over the past year and is very close to his 150lb loss goal.

I emailed him and asked him for an interview and he accepted, I will post that in the coming days, but first I want to share with you how he has inspired me in the days since my last post.

When I came across his CNN interview and started reading his archives and regular blog posts there were several quotes of his that really stood out to me. Some of them hit me with a ton of bricks.

"If someone had told me in January that I had to stop cold turkey and eat salads, grilled chicken ... all day long, I wouldn't have lost this weight or gradually progressed into a healthier lifestyle."

on motivation:

"But I respect you more than that — you already know why you want to lose weight.  You know what’s at stake if you don’t lose weight and you know you’ll be reward with a happy, healthy life that you’ve always wanted.

Motivation is so overrated.

You just need to decide to earn your new life.  Nobody is going to give it to you.  Motivation is so overrated — it’s not a requisite for losing weight or obtaining your goals.  I’ll say that again:  you don’t need motivation to lose weight.  You don’t feel like going to the gym tonight?  Tired, have a headache?  Tough.  I slept about 6 hours last night and will end up working 10 hours today, getting off around 5 and coming home to cook dinner for the wife.  After an hour or two of quality time (cooking, cleaning), I’ll leave my warm, cozy house and family behind to go to the gym and leave my heart on the floor.  Around 9, I’ll come back home to find my daughter already asleep and my wife soon thereafter."

What I like about Tyler's approach to weight loss is that he keeps it simple: Calories in vs. calories out. If you've been around for any length of time you will know that I've gone on a few restrictive diets. Always in the back of my mind I know that when I'm in a "binge eating" spell it's as a result of being too restrictive. This isn't an excuse, just a pattern I've noticed over the years. I feel that there is a need to find a way to eat as to prevent "last meals" or the "I'll diet tomorrow mentality".  Tyler has connected the two which has resulted in his success. There isn't a start day for eating diet food and "bad days" for overeating "bad" foods, which for me is the result of an endless cycle. Feast of Famine.

What if all days we allowed ourselves to eat what we want in moderation. To keep trigger foods out of the house, but to actually enjoy the food we are eating on a daily basis. If you look at Tyler's meal plans many would argue (and do) that he isn't eating enough "health food" or would claim that he could be eating more food in his day if he was eating less calorie laden/fatty foods. I think over time, Tyler has and will become more accustom to eating foods that are higher in nutritional value vs. foods with higher caloric value with low nutrition naturally.

His plan worked for his lifestyle. 1) he eats out a lot 2) he likes "man food" or "bar food" style meals so instead of cutting them out cold turkey he just eats less, counts the calories and exercises. Which makes sense for a lot of us.

I make no excuses for the fact that I love food. This quote by Julia Child sums it up:

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook”

 

I love good food, I love recipes, good cooking, ethnic foods , you name it. I actually love to grocery shop. And I just cannot for the life of me get on board with eating "diet" food. The notion that some foods are bad and others are not. I've covered this topic many times and continue to come back to this same point. How to make both worlds exist. Eating good food in moderation. Eliminating the idea that "diet" anything is the key to weight loss and stop feeling bad for wanting to enjoy food for what it is and should be: delicious nourishment

I hate rules and will always, no matter what, will rebel. But something has to give. What is the payoff for living a healthier life while enjoying food? Keeping track of what I eat, moderation, keeping foods that I tend to overeat out of my house or office space, only eat dessert if it is (strictly) made from scratch with good ingredients and to exercise a lot.

With that said, Tyler has given me hope that I too can lose 125lbs with dedication and direction rather than restriction and struggle.

 Binge eating is a habit that I allow myself to (on occasion) subscribe to. I've had many months where I never bought anything from the store that I didn't need and never ate secretly in my car. And I was fine with it. And I've had others where that was not at all the case. But, it is always a choice. Just because the cookies, cakes, frozen pizza and ice cream are there does not mean I always have to have them around. And it doesn't mean I can't enjoy them on occasion.

What am I feeding when I overeat?

I've decided to make my daily food and exercise choices more prevalent on my front page. I can't guarantee I will always take photos of what I eat, but I am doing my best to keep it public. I have a little notebook that I carry with me to write what I eat in. I've done this before and it's really helpful. This is a sacrifice, for right now, I need to make and dedicate myself to. Recording what I eat and exercise.

I know that this opens me up to many comments that have irked me in the past. I know my best interest is always at hand, but I'm no dummy, I know what foods are best to eat. I know about real food, local food, moderation, protein, fiber, carbs. Trust me, by now. I know. I just need to be able to use this space to honestly share my journey without judgement regarding what I should or should not be eating. My goal isn't  perfection. This isn't a raw food, vegan or nutrition blog. They exist and I have a few I highly recommend if you're interested.

I know that the 400 calories I ate in mashed potatoes yesterday is not "diet food" or a wise choice. But, I wrote it down and was accountable for it. I adjusted my calories for it and exercised. Or I could have felt guilty and overate that rest of the day, but I didn't.  I could have had a more filling meal of eggs or whole grains. Some days will be better than others. Some days I will have lower calories and others will be higher. Some days I will want more food than others and other days I may just want to eat pizza and the next spinach salads. I'm okay with this.

Tuesday January 12th 2010:

1+1/2 C mashed potatoes w/ 1 slice Colby : 400 calories

1/2 C roasted sunflower seeds- 180

2 ladles potato soup (made by coworker) + 6 wheat thin flat bread crackers + a very small serving of cheese+ salad with a touch of cream of cucumber dressing: 670 calories

2 clementines: about 100 calories

1 Tbs. chia goodness: 55 calories

veggie pizza from subway without extra cheese (they put this on as default)- 430 calories

bowl of chili: 340 calories

Total calories: 2,175

Exercise: 30 minutes of strength training

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to contribute answers for an article on that's fit (a sister site of aol) at the time, I could not help but think "oh they have the wrong girl, do they see how much I struggle? Don't they see my holiday weight gain?" But, I answered them anyway, sent in my photos and forgot about it. I didn't want to get my hopes up when there are so many other bloggers out there being much more successful on a regular basis.

And then last night I got a very nice email from someone who found me from the article, I then scrolled down to my previous email from the that's fit lady telling me my article had been published. I was extremely excited at first. This happened while the gas in our house went out, so I was telling Josh to check it out while the gas guy was coming in our house to fix our heater. It was chaotic excitment...

and then I started freaking out. I was a mess, my thoughts were all over the place "will I be judged because I haven't lost a lot of weight?" "what if people don't think I deserve to have an article written about me?" "do i think i deserve articles about me? or attention to my blog because i've lost and gained weight?"

and then I get an email from the editor's of aol asking for more before and after pictures. How could this possibly be a story of interest? I don't have massive success or weight loss. I don't have Biggest Loser appeal. I told her I was struggling and in a couple of months I'd be in a  better place. And this was the response (I hope it is okay to share because I think this answer was helpful and inspirating not only to me, but other people who stop by)

Actually, that's what we loved about your story so much. So many women struggle with making healthy changes to their lifestyle, which you have been able to do and plenty of us (myself included) have started to make those changes, and hit bumps in the road along the way. This time of year especially people are looking to make a change and feel at a loss for where to start. Your story is very inspirational. Sometimes those before and afters where people have 200 pounds just don't feel realistic to the rest of us. At That's Fit, we feel like every step towards positive, healthy change, no matter how, is a success.

I am a work in progress. What you see is what you get. I know that I won't always weigh 290, 280,270 or even in the 200's. I BELIEVE THIS. And that is all that matters. I believe in myself.

Note from day one:

I've been here before. I've had what seems like a hundred of "start days". What will make this particular journey different from the last? Daily reminders of where I want to be, planning and organization. The quote from above describes exactly where I've been many times before: looking for the right situation to lose weight. The right diet, the right circumstance, the right season, but I know there will never be a perfect day, time, or weight loss plan to lose weight.

I got on my Smooth Fitness Elliptical machine yesterday (graciously given to me by the company) for the first time in a couple of months. I've moved the machine into my home office/creative space and planted it in the direction of my monitor screen. I climbed on, started playing The Office on hulu.com (why am I so late with this one?) and started moving.

Five minutes in I felt like Bridget Jones in her famous stationary bike scene. But before I knew it I was sweating and laughing as Pam tried to hook Oscar up with the new warehouse guy over Pate'. I wrote down what I ate, which is something I'm aiming to stick with. It's a good habit for me to get in, not only to keep track of portions, but for record keeping. It's fun for me to look back and remember meals I had over the course of time, which triggers memories and helps me to remember meals that I can make again when I get bored or stuck.

There are sacrifices to losing weight, but I don't have to kill myself in the process. I've been known to set up crazy obstacles for myself that are simply not obtainable long-term. You can find my food and exercise log at the top of my website or here.

It's January second and I'm ready to be a New Year's cliche. I've eaten a lot these past couples of months. Let's start that around Thanksgiving. Right after my two weeks of clean eating I just threw in the towel and ate. I'm bloated and craving sugar, but I'm ready for this.

I'm going to lay it all out here: This year I am going to be healthy. I am going to lose weight. I am going to be able to move. I'm going to do things that frighten me. I'm going to buckle an airplane seat belt and tighten it. I'm going to find out what it's like to stop being polite and start getting real. Wrong show, but you get the picture!

I've been reading Julia Child's : My Life in France (which I highly recommend) and I love what she says on page 77:

I don't believe in twisting yourself into knots of excuses and explanations over the food you make. When one's hostess starts in with self-deprecations... it is so dreadful to have to reassure her that everything is delicious and fine, whether it is or not. Besides, such admissions only draw attention to one's shortcomings (or self-perceived shortcomings), and make the other person think, "Yes, you're right, this really is an awful meal!"

This philosophy can be applied, not just to food, but for any instance where we put ourselves out there for the public. I have made big claims around here, I've accomplished small goals, I've forgotten about many big ones, I don't need to make excuses for myself as to why I weigh eerily exactly the same as I did January 2009. Or why I've lost and gained the same 20 lbs. for two years.

The truth is, is that I am not unlike so many people who are trying to lose weight. The only difference is that I have chosen to share (albeit less and less this past year.) I could feel bad about my failed promises with myself or you, the people taking time to read my blog all this time, but what good would that do?

Losing weight is more than keeping up with a weight loss blog. It's real work, not words. And I realize that now more than ever. I've worked hard to get my blog where I want it to be, Josh has worked hard so that people can find me in google. And they do, but what are they finding? I want them to find hope and inspiration and I have that in myself this year.

I'm moving on. This is where I stop making promises and excuses. It's now or never. The plan is simple: to lose 12 lbs. a month (some months may be more, or less, but overall a general loss of 12 lbs), to photograph myself at the beginning of every month and to blog about the process.

2010 is a blank book waiting for us to fill in the pages. What will be your story for the year?

Today I weigh 290.5

Its no mistake that I cannot keep up with blogging around here as much as I used to. I feel like the more I try to keep up, the less I want to write and then don't. So I'm going to work on trying less. I want to do so much, which is impossible, but its hard to let-go of projects and dreams. In the end, I know that taking on too much leaves me spinning my wheels.

With that said...

I did want to pop in and write about what I have been doing. The action part of getting healthy. I will let you in on a little secret... I am slightly nuts. Oh, you know that? Well, I have health phobias, I always worry about doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Or being the freak patient that ends up on dateline or 20/20 leaving people wondering how they can avoid that freak accident. That missed warning sign. Wow.

I decided recently to give a shiatsu massage a try here locally. My upper neck and back were holding a lot of tension and it really helped. When I went in my right foot was hitting one inch higher than my left. He told me this and all I could think of was "freak show", I should just get sent off to the circus now. By the end of the session my feet aligned (thank goodness) and I was walking better. He asked me about my thyroid, and we discussed getting healthier not just with random massages, but with real nutritional changes. I thought about it and went to see his wife who is a N.D. (Naturopathic doctors ).

I am sometime skeptical, but in general I don't like typical doctors who treat symptoms rather than the root of health issues. I don't have any real issues right now, but I know that I very well could down the road. Some days when I eat too much sugar or carbs, I feel like crap. I feel lethargic and foggy. And so yesterday I embarked on a 6 weeks cleanse to sort of rewind if you will.

I'm taking two supplements that are just herbal remedies, one is seaweed based and the other kills excess yeast in the body. The goal is to achieve a balanced thyroid, more energy, lessened sugar cravings and overall better health. I found out one of my co-workers followed a similar plan when she lived in Oregon and said "it was the best I ever felt".

Basically, I can stay within the meats (nothing processed like bacon, or sausage), vegetables (no starch), a couple of specific fruits a week, whole grain such as quinoa, healthy fats like olive or coconut oil, and no dairy, vinegar and a handful of other specific items. I can have garlic, which is a life saver for me.

I'm not doing this primarily to lose weight, but lets face it...I will. I'm doing this for wellness and balance. I'm doing this as a personal challenge. It will be hard, thanksgiving is in the next 6 weeks and I'm okay with that. I've had a hundred slices of pie in my life, one holiday can be sacrificed. This isn't a forever diet, a lot of what I will learn will stick with me after 6 weeks, but moderation is always key long term. I'm willing to sacrifice now for better health later.

I've also starting a once a week two-hour tai chi class (we are doing something else, but I can't remember what it is called it starts with a q) it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Mostly just staying in position and keeping good posture has proven to be difficult to me.

I will update how and what I am doing. How I am feeling, and what I miss. Yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself. And then I stopped feeling that way when I realized how good I felt.

For breakfast I had two eggs, lunch I had homemade chicken soup, snack of walnuts and dinner was roasted salmon with quinoa and a wild greens salad and homemade roasted pepper and tomato dressing. All good stuff, nothing to feel sorry for myself about. I was never hungry, and had energy! No brain fog. My seaweed supplement tastes like ass, but again...I can do this.