Figuring out what I want is key. Any time that familiar voice tells me "Well you could eat a pint of ice cream. No one would know. You could just start over tomorrow. You deserve it." I have a back up plan, and that plan is my mission. My mission is to do what is good for me, not what I think I deserve momentarily.

Binge eating takes me away from my mission. My mission is to be the best version of myself every day. To be present and engaged, to create, to be good to myself and my husband, to be good to others, to spread and share creativity and hope.

When I eat too much I can't participate. I can't be there for myself or anyone else. I have no energy, no hope, and no will to create or follow through with my mission. Food in excess robs me of time and I'm a firm believer that time is the most precious thing we have. How I spend that time is crucial. Not seeking perfection, but giving myself the best possible chance.

The struggle these past couple of weeks is knowing the difference between binge eating and frequent vs. occasional overeating. And being okay with this part of the journey which has not been completely effortless. But, I trust it eventually will be.

When I'm challenged I do two things. One, I realize that my desire to eat too much is just that, a desire. Acting on that desire means nothing more than getting out of the discomfort of having the urge. I don't force it away, I just sit with it. I also remind myself of my mission and the decision becomes more clear. Binge eating (or even frequent overeating) is not apart of my mission and the bigger picture of what I want for myself.

Do you have a mission?

That sounds like the lyrics to a church hymn, but you know what I'm finding out? When I'm listening and engaging my higher self, the world seems brighter and everything is more clear. Food is not fear, it is love and so much more enjoyable when I'm not eating it in excess. I've been cooking and baking up a storm, which is obvious from the looks of my kitchen, and I truly love it more than I ever have. And not only that, but I'm excited about life in a way that I never have been. I drank the kool-aid guys.

When I listen and follow what  I need and want in my life, I wake up clear and excited for the day. It feels like opening the windows on the first day of spring. Is anyone else experiencing this after reading Brain Over Binge? I'd love to hear about it.

Lately, I have the energy to do make things happen. Things that I normally get so overwhelmed with and just put on the back burner. One of my dreams has been to create and maintain a creative living blog, so I've been polishing off my Beautiful Layers blog these past couple of days. It's hard to believe I've had that domain for seven years, and this one for six. What the what?

Other stuff that's happening? I'm seriously thinking about returning to University to finish my degree in fine arts/ graphic design. After watching my bff Jas graduate with honors, I was seriously encouraged and inspired to finish my degree. I feel like I am in a different place now than I was when I first when to college. I also feel like I'm more capable of learning and studying new information without the whole rebellious streak. We'll see.

Today I'm getting back into exercising after taking a week off due to a wonky back, which is now on the mend.

Tomorrow makes one week since I started reading and implementing the tools of Brain Over Binge.  In that week I've come to realize a few things that are helping this process:

1) Not every urge or feeling means something. I used to believe that all of my urges and feelings were me, that by not acting on them I was somehow denying myself and being unauthentic to who I am. And on some small level, I already got this. Denying every feeling is uncomfortable and often the only thing I'm fighting is the feeling or urge in and of itself, not the actual thought or feeling.

Here's an example: Sometimes I over think situations and my relationships with people. Often I find myself truly not understanding the motives of a person and examining them. I mull over every detail  in frustration until I feel nauseous and agitated. This is especially true when I believe their actions are wrong, hurting me or themselves. These thoughts take over my mind and I gave them freedom to take over. I do this so often that is became comfortable and familiar, like a bad habit. Like eating 10 cookies. But now, I'm acknowledging that sometimes I just default and it doesn't mean anything about me or the other person. Not every thing needs attention, examining, or confronting. Sometimes I just need to achnowledge the feeling and move on.

This is the same with the urge to eat more. Those urges are not me, but sometimes it's confusing to know the difference because I've learned to give weight to them in my own, evolved voice that reasons and sides with the urges.

This is what they sound like: You already ate that cookie, you might as well eat all of them and start over tomorrow. Your breakfast wasn't perfect you might as well eat everything you want for the rest of the day. You've been so good these past few days, you can slack off today. You didn't lose any weight today, might as well throw in the towel and get serious tomorrow. 

2) I do not need the scale right now. It's true, eating less usually results in weight loss, but not always and not every single day. Logically I understand this. I know that a few days before my period I hold on to water. I know that exercise makes me hold on to water as well. I know that salty foods make me hold on to water. I don't want to use the scale as an excuse or motivator right now. So today, I'm taking it out of the bathroom.

3) Finding my voice. One of the biggest challenges right now is finding my higher voice and listening to it. My higher voice is logical and doesn't want to binge. It doesn't want to keep eating or make myself sick. It wants me to succeed and move forward and grow. But sometimes it tries to justify and encourage my urges and feelings that aren't me, my animal voice. It's helpful for me to have a clear idea of what I do want on a very basic level so that I can easily access this information. It's also helpful to have it written down and handy. Sometimes I can honestly convince myself that I want to binge, that it's who I am, but I know better.

4) Knowing the difference between overeating (or eating too much) and binge eating. This one is very personal and looks different for everyone. This topic is covered a lot in Brain Over Binge. People who do not have any sort of binge eating disorder, eat too much on occasion. Having a second cookie, another slice of pizza, or seconds is not binge eating. Sometimes I simply eat more than what I need and that's all it is.  To me, at it's heart, binge eating is eating that is in excess. If it interrupts my life or causes me to be unhealthy, it is binge eating. I have never eaten as much in one sitting as the author of Brain Over Binge, but that doesn't mean that my excess or binge eating hasn't caused health issues  like obesity or disrupted my life by over taking my thoughts and actions.

4) Practice makes semi-perfect. Changing my mindset is taking work. It's taking practice and meditation. It's not always a huge struggle because I'm not fighting my urges, I'm just sitting with them, but it's still new to me. I still fear that I can't do this or that I'm fooling myself. I still hear the words of therapy and self-help books ringing in my ears that I need to fix my life or find fulfillment or get over depression or find self-esteem. Everday isn't perfect, and I'm becoming okay with that. I'm just riding it out. It's been helpful to create mantras of self-talk written down and handy. It's also helpful knowing that my urges cannot access my movement and that I always have the choice to binge or not. It's totally up to me. I know that it isn't going to be easy at first, and I'm prepared for ups and downs, but I know it doesn't have the be the biggest struggle in my life.

Heavens to Betsy. It's been a long time since I've taken a "before" photo and goodness, this will be my last. Amen, preach it sister.

The before photo is the closest thing (other than going to the doctor, or trying to fit into a airplane seat) to a reality check that I can get. It's like, damn girl, you're fat. And I don't mean that to sound self-depricating, it's just the truth.

I spend a lot of  time trying to cover up my fat. Positioning angles, deleting the "too fat" photos, and wearing layers to forget how fat I am. I go to great lengths not to let my fat make me uncomfortable. I wear a black compression tank top almost daily so that I can suck it in a little bit better. I prefer high rise jeans to tuck in the upper part of my belly. I like bras with thick bands. I fly with a seat belt extender so I don't have to ask for one. I avoid amusement park rides, horses, boats, and planes at all costs to pretend that I'm not obese.  It's a lot of work.

And there you have it. The most unflattering photos I have ever (I think) posted on this blog. Things should can only go up from here!

I'm using the Insanity workout by Beach Body to help me get to my Minus 50 t0 29 goal and joined to become a Beach Body Coach, you can see my website here.

This post has been a few weeks coming, I've been nailing down exactly what I want to say and my plan. It's been awhile since I've made any concrete weight loss goals on this blog, and I'm ready to make it happen. I want to lose 50 pounds for my 29th birthday on March 14th. That's exactly four months, 16 weeks, and 111 days. 50 pounds for me, at my weight is totally reasonable, and of course, if I lose 40, that is reason to celebrate, but 50 is what I'm aiming for.

I've shied away from making weight loss goals public, because there is a little part of me that worries that people will think I'm setting myself up for failure and give me advice to just have other smaller or slower goals. To be reasonable with myself. I want to get into it and make it happen. And not just in a way that will only work short term.

While I was visiting Dole, I had the opportunitiy to stop over at the California Health and Longevity Institute which was incredible. If I ever have a spare few thousand, I'm high tailing it to California for a thorough health assessment. During my time there, I was given an hour-long healthy life consultation with a nice lady named Claudia.

Before I even sat down she had read my blog and had printed out notes for me. She was ready. I told her that I struggle with consistency in my life, in all ways. I get really excited and then I drop everything. The tool that she gave me to keep going, was so simple, yet powerful. She told me that when I have the strong desire to drop everything and flee, to ask myself how much can I do?

For example, can I exercise for five minutes? If I can, to do just five minutes. Or one minute. Whatever I can do, to do it. I told her that I struggle with that in two ways, 1) not thinking it's enough and 2) feeling like I was tricking myself into doing more even though I said just five minutes. And then she told me something, that was a huge "a'ha!" moment for me...

It's not about the five minutes of exercise for the sake of getting in exercise. It's the act of doing something when I didn't want to. She assured me that after doing this several times, I would build up confidence and the habit of doing things when I didn't want to.

And then I got it. I struggle with lasting changes because I never get to the point of them becoming a habit. I feel like I have to go big or go home, and when I can't give 100% I don't try at all.

She said that when I go out and run-jog-walk for an hour, I'm setting myself up to come up with a thousand excuses on days when I can't wrap my head around an hour spent exercising. That mentally, if I can't do my best everyday, that I can't do it at all, and it sets me back and I feel like a failure.

I want a weight loss goal again. I want to delve into the mode and make it happen. I've been coasting along with eating well enough, and exercising when I feel like it, but it's not getting me anywhere, because I don't have a goal. I do believe that weight loss is a result and not a goal, but having some numbers to reach for is motivating.

50 pounds, would put me at the lowest weight this blog has ever seen. It will mean smaller clothes and more mobility. It also means getting our photos taken professionally again. I told Josh I'd like to have our pictures taken every 50 pounds that I lose.

I'm getting to a place where it's now or never. I refuse to enter my 30's as an obese woman. I just cannot do that. I deserve more.

My plan of action is to count calories using MyFitnessPal, Lorriebee and restarting the Insanity program (with days of zumba, strength and running outside when it's nice).  As always I will use this blog to track my progress through photos, what I'm eating, daily thoughts and struggles and celebrations.

This week, I took a break. Normally, not being productive makes me antsy and depressed. This week, I allowed myself to take a step back and evaluate my direction.  Like a lot of my friends I feel like I'm on the edge of something very positive and big in my life. But there is a part of me that is holding back, scared to take the leap. Scared to embrace where I'm going.

Part of that feeling is people. I worry a lot (too much) about how people see me and what my actions look like. I worry about sharing my goals and embracing what I really want. Will they think I'm reaching too high and being unrealistic? Will they think I don't deserve it or didn't properly earn my success? Will they misinterpret my actions?

And then I stop. Take a breath. And realize that this is mostly just me. It doesn't matter so much if someone else doesn't think I'm worthy of the effort, because I am.

I'm in an intention circle right now learning how to manifest my dreams. I have big dreams. Dreams that I don't share with a lot of people and certainly not on this blog. But, I'm embracing them and trying to be more vocal. Some of my dreams startle me because I didn't know I had them. Because they seem bigger than me. Do you ever feel that way?

Some of my dreams:

- I want to be a skilled graphic designer. I want people to hire me because they see my creativity and want it to reflect their business. I want to do it on my own terms. I want to create one of a kind work that makes people stop and admire. I want to push the envelope and myself. I want to get better. I want an etsy shop with ready-made design. I want to bring people into this creative business and train them.

- I want to pay off all my credit card and student loan debt by the time I'm 30.

- I want to use this blog to share my dreams, goals and inspiration. I want to inspire myself and those who stop by.

- I want to write a book about all of this.

- I want to start painting again. I want to illustrate and draw like I used to.

- I want to share my art in unconventional ways.

- I want to create art without the intention to sell it.

- I want to share my town with the world in a creative and thoughtful way.

- I want to empower and support the creative women in my life.

- I want to weigh less than 160 pounds before I get pregnant.

- I want to get pregnant before I'm 31-32. I'm 28 (29 in march)

- I want to create a successful lifestyle brand that is linked with my co-owned clothing company. I want to push the boundaries. I want to empower young, rural women in this process. I want to collabroate with creative minds. I want to provide well paying jobs to creative women in our area. I want to thrive within this business, creativity and monetarily.

- I want to go to Paris and walk for hours with my husband. I want to eat the best pastries and bread.

- I want to run a 5k in under 40 minutes.

- I want to be considered a beautiful woman inside and out.

- I want to live in a beautiful and creative space (that is organized and comfortable)

- I want to celebrate my life and learn to jot memories down. I want to have photos printed.

- I want to walk into any store and wear whatever I want.

- I want to be attractive and intelligent.

- I want to be a really good wife and a really good mom.

- I want to cherish my friends and family. I don't want them to question how I feel.

- I want to stop worrying about the things that haven't happened. I want to stop worrying about what I assume to be true.

- I want to take care of myself because I'm driven to do so. Because I cherish my life and my body. Not because it's a plan. Not out of guilt. Not because I need to lose weight.

- I want to go back to school and finish my degree. But I don't want to go into debt to make this happen. Or maybe I'll just read a ton more and get really good and prove everyone wrong.

I'm allowing myself this week to breathe and take it all in. I have a lot of change in my life  and I'm getting ready for it. I'm getting it now.

Yesterday morning started off with a larabar followed by a spinach, banana and orange smoothie. Lots and lots of spinach. I'm determined to plow through these vegetables by Sunday.  The rest of the day was spent eating frozen foods like coconut shrimp. Not the best feeling food, but it did the job.

My other mini-goals this week are as follows:

- keep a food journal (not calorie journal)

- lose 2 pounds (totally doable)

- exercise at least 3 times

- eat lots of vegetables

- follow the hunger and full cues throughout the day

- write and then write some more. Writing helps me to move forward. I tend to get stuck in bad feelings and in problems. It's easy for me to write out solutions or work through problems on paper rather than in my head.

I have several meetings today (four to be exact) so I'm making it a little goal to carry my notebook with me.

What are your mini-goals this week? It's Wednesday and I think this week still has many opportunities to be successful.

I'm embarking on a new journey of self-discovery.  I know this because my thoughts and wants are more clear, yet I'm having a hard time articulating it.

I've been asking myself lately: why do I blog? why will I continue to blog? what can i share? what will i get out of it?

This has been the longest project of my life. I started not knowing where I would arrive and five years later I'm still not sure. The only thing that I keep coming back to is to inspire. I don't even know what that means, but I share because I know I'm not alone. I share because I may say something that might help someone else. I know it's a big thing to believe about myself, but at the end of the day, I write because my words inspire me. I'm able to see who I am through my writing.

I don't plan my posts. Which I've heard is a blogger mistake. But, I write what I feel, and along this journey I've gotten lost in that desire. I've seen other bloggers doing things that I wish I could do. I've seen them count, track, photograph and document every inch of their lives. I've wanted so bad to be other bloggers, that at times, I've forgotten who I am and why I'm here.

So there's a lesson in that. To follow who you are, to follow your gut and not to punish yourself for not being like everyone else.  Because the world needs more people becoming and embracing who they are. There is someone, if not just myself, who needs me to be here just as I am. Saying what I need to say. And so in this realization, I want to continue to share whats important to me, regardless of the content. At the heart of this blog, I'm trying to live a healthier life. But, for me, this is not an isolated action. Being healthy is not just important for my body, it's important for my relationships, my career and my belief in who I am. My life is about making things happen.

When I eat too much, I get depressed and my work suffers. When I eat well, I am productive and clear.

In all of this, I want to blog more about my process and my journey, regardless of what that looks like.  My journey isn't just about following blogging tips and tricks, it's about sharing where I'm headed. Where I want to be and what I know to be true.

So here's the thing. I've completely stopped dieting. A concept I've tried before and got too scared. And I want to share this, but sometimes it doesn't look like it should. It's not ideal, but, it's wonderful and eye opening. I've been "un-dieting" for several weeks now. I've purchased "taboo" foods at the store. Food that is just sugar and comes in wrappers. I've openly eaten what I desire in public, in front of my husband and for the world to see. I've stopped hiding food. I've stopped feeling guilt over food, mentally calculating calories, tracking, and measuring. Punishing myself for not making ideal choices. I'm trusting myself around food. I've never trusted myself around food. I'm celebrating that I can live with triggers in my life. That I can have candy in the house and not eat it for breakfast.

I've been actively stripping away all guilt around food. Removing the notion of good food or bad food and just being. I'm bridging the gap between unhealthy lorrie and healthy lorrie: they are the same. My choices are not isolated.  Healthy lorrie is just as present and open and ready as binge-eating lorrie. Healthy lorrie  is not a future goal she is who I am, all the time, every single day. Unhealthy, binge eating lorrie has her place too. I wish I knew how to articulate it, but I've become okay with the outcome. I'm trusting that I will get there, if I'm open. There have been days when I've done exactly what I feared: I ate too much. I turned to food when I stopped trusting myself. But, I embraced the action, and realized it was a choice. I am owning it.

Before, I treated these actions as though they were not a part of me. Habits are choices that I make everyday. It's a big deal, to trust that I can stop. That eventually I will stop on my own and make another choice. I am making better decisions on my own because they are not future parts of my life. They are now. They reflect what I want and where I'm headed.

Un-dieting is not without goals, I have them, but they are different. This week, my goal is to eat fresh, raw vegetables as much as possible. I purchased a huge container of organic spinach and kale, lots of squash, apples, oranges, and bananas. My goal is to eat it all this week. To eat them first, not because I feel like I have to, but because I genuinely want to.  I like how I feel when I eat well, I need to feel good to complete all my goals. Not just the ones that result in a lower weight on the scale.

It's been huge for me to let go of worry and possible outcomes. I've let go of the fear of the unknown. The fear of eating until I weigh 400 pounds. The fear of never stopping. The fear that I can't control what I eat without a regulated system. I trust that I will stop and that I know how to hear what I really want and need. There are days when I shock myself with how soon I stop eating. And it doesn't happen because I think "I should stop", or "how many calories am I at now?" it just happens because I'm done.

I had a glimpse of myself recently. A glimpse of where I'm headed and it's incredibly beautiful.

Krissie gave me a challenge that I couldn't refuse. To recreate my perfect day, write about it and then do it again. The thing about my perfect day is that it's not fancy or extravegent. It's a day where I get things done that make me proud. Things that, I assume, are second nature to most people.

And yesterday was that day. It was not perfect as the house still needs lots of organizational work to get to that maintenance stage. I'm okay with that. It was also not perfect because I still had to deal with life and a schedule that changes almost hourly. Again, I'm okay with that. Setting it up as a "go get em'" day, really transformed how I dealt with my feelings. If something minor upset me, I would brush it off because I didn't want it to taint my perfect day. I also purposely and publicly have candy in the house (my next post) and I didn't dig in when I felt unsteady.

The day started with a little last minute work at the computer. I put my exercise clothes on and was ready for the sun to rise. I made a quick trip to the bank and came home to wake the husband up. We went out for our first run in a very long time. I want to call what I did a jog, but it wasn't. I was pushing myself. I also walked a lot too. It was so fun and freeing. I also loved that I did this without numbers. All I knew was that I needed to be home before a nine am meeting. Other than that, I would run, and walk when I needed to.

When I exercise, numbers distract me. This is why I rarely step on a treadmill or elliptical. And when I do I have to cover up the time clock because it distracts me and I don't push myself. The same when I'm outside exercising. During C25K the challenges were great, but I hated knowing the time. I hated waiting to be told to run or stop. I know why this is, but I was more obsessed with that than anything else. So it was nice and freeing for me to just be outside and push myself on my own terms. I know that probably sounds silly and wimpish to numbers people. But, goodness I hate time. I hate knowing how long I have to do something, how many minutes I have left, or how far I went. I want to go until I can't. And that's what I did.

I'm seeing a trend as far as numbers go in my life. And it's funny because my husband loves statistics and gets satisfaction from that. The numerical value of time spent, and comparing it to the next time and then the next. Calorie counting, numbers on the scale and minutes spent exercising are all distracting to me. They take away from the heart of what I'm trying to do. And for a long time, I've fought against my natural instinct by forcing myself to use numbers to gauge my actions. And on top of that, I would judge myself harshly for not liking it or sticking with it, thinking, I was  flawed. My point is, because something works for seemingly lots of people, doesn't mean it will work for you. It doesn't mean anything other than a need to find what does work for you to get the same results. That is all. It doesn't make you lazy, unfocused or not dedicated. It just means you need another method. I digress.

I came home and put some bacon in the oven and went to answer a few emails. I burnt the bacon. Which was not part of my perfect day. I then decided on an orange and some toast with butter and jam. I got lots of creative work done and then headed out for a few more work related tasks. I came home and ate a bowl of vanilla bean greek yogurt and made dinner. Vegetable tortilla casserole. After dinner I watched The Office and passed out on the couch at 8:30. It seems that my 5-6 hour nights of sleep caught up with me.

How was the day perfect? I went with the flow. When I burned the bacon, got semi-annoying or upsetting emails, when my schedule changed, or when things just weren't perfect. I didn't drop the ball on the day. I realized and implemented what I already know to be true:  it isn't want happens that matters, it's how I react. 

I also took time to do things that make me happy. Simple stuff makes me happy. I went for a run. I took time to cook dinner. I made time to relax. I journaled throughout the day. I also made time to do lots of laundry and clean.

And finally, I realized that I work really well with a core plan for the day. And what I mean by that is, I have goals for the day that I do no matter what such as: don't overeat, exercise, get work done. And everything else can move and shift as I see fit.

How was the day not perfect? I should rephrase this all and say that I know a perfect day doesn't exist. This is fact. There will always be trash to take out, people will always be annoying, and there will always be dirty clothes to wash. But, I understand that I deserve the attitude and actions that bring me as close as possible to that day, on my terms. And when something goes unplanned, I'm ready to deal with it from that perspective rather than, "the sky is falling! the day is over! what's the point? bring me candy!" .

I'm ready to continue figuring out how to make each day as perfect as possible for me. I find that what I love most is freedom. Freedom to choose how my day goes. Freedom to do what I love: design, create, cook, clean, exercise and be social. Being productive is a huge component to my happiness. I've found that relaxing time only feels good to me when I have work to back it up. Otherwise, I feel depressed and lazy.

And finally, I need  flexible daily plans for myself. I need daily reminders of my goals. I need journaling throughout the day. I need core, unwavering goals. Every day can be treated as a perfect day and can plant the seeds for even better, more ideal days down the road. As in, today I can get caught up with my design work and this weekend I can do something really fun. Or today I will take the time to make delicious and healthful food, so that in a year I can have a healthier body. I love the idea of being in the now and working for the future at the same time. Today I love cooking, tomorrow I will be thankful that I cooked. Today I will exercise, tomorrow I will be thankful that I did. Today I will be the clothes away, tomorrow it will be nice to pick out an outfit in two minutes rather than twenty.

And finally, I want build up days. Next Monday looks like a really good day for another ideal day. And not that today can't be ideal, it will be in it's own way, because truly, that's all I have. I don't know if I will have Monday. But, today, I can make that happen. I feel like each day I can give my chance to build and improve my days. I'm still mulling this all over. Ultimately I want to be the best version of myself that I can. I want to treat myself and act as if I deserve the effort, because I do.  I'm trying to be okay with living without rocks in my shoes.