I've decided that September will be the month of Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30. I've had the DVD for some time, but never made it through all four week sessions. This is the month.

What I love about the DVD:

It's fast, only 37 minutes and I'm done.

Less jumping. Insanity is insane, this DVD is hard, but there isn't a lot of jumping around.

It hurts and I swear a lot. If I'm going to exercise I want to feel it. I want to sweat and pant and beg for mercy. I want to feel it the next day. This DVD is good for that.

It's a challenge. Planks and push-ups are hard for me, but I do my best. She also has a new workout for each week in a month.

What I don't love:

This is me being petty, but sometimes Jillian says things that are really corny and silly. She makes weird noises and I just feel embarrassed for her. But, I try to pretend she isn't talking. I think when I'm suffering, I don't like jokes, so it makes me want to throw my hand weight at her. Other than that, I love it!

Yesterday morning I woke up not feeling overly hungry. I had my usual glass of ice water and headed into work in the wee hours.

A couple of hours later the first thing I ate was a small bowl of Greek yogurt with Crofter's blueberry spread, oats and peanuts.

This kept me full most of the afternoon.

And then there was an earthquake. A small one. I was in the living room with Josh talking when I said to him "why is our house shaking?" he went to check the laundry room to see if the washer was out of balance. No laundry. I stood at the window and said "this feels like an earthquake" but thought that was insane, because we live in Virginia, not California. It wasn't for a good 30 minutes until we realized there was an earthquake. Surreal stuff. I was uneasy.

And then we had lunch. Which isn't what I would call "health food", but it was delicious and I was genuinely hungry. The portions were not out of control either. I made a mini-goal at the beginning of the day that I would only eat when I was hungry, not overeat, and only eat what I truly love to eat.

A cheeseburger and sweet potato fries from a local drive-in. I was full for hours until about 11pm when I had a couple (3) of Wasa crackers with raw cheddar before bed. I also enjoyed 60 minutes of exercise in the evening.

Thoughts on the day:

I know that looking at my meals from an outside perspective someone would say "oh! you need more vegetables"  or "you shouldn't eat red meat, buns, fries..." you get my point. But to me, right now, a successful day is not overeating. It's eating when I'm truly hungry and stopping when I'm full. It's owning and sharing what I'm actually eating, without worry of judgement. It's eating what I want without all of the rules and guilt that I love placing on myself. I trust that some days I will order a salad instead of a burger, and others I will just want the burger. I want to own those choices and make them guilt free.

Yesterday's eats...

Greek yogurt, Crofters blueberry spread and cashews.

Lunch and dinner. My own recipe of cashew chicken, which I've gotten pretty darn good at making. Check out that rooster sauce making it look fancy.

I killed my sugar craving with grapes. I forget how sweet red grapes are.

Not photographed (because it looked gross) was a mixture of yogurt, peanut butter and jam. It was so good! I'm obsessed with Maranatha crunchy peanut butter, best peanut butter ever.

I finished the evening with a session of Zumba which was much needed. I was feeling too in my head after yesterday's post and just needed to act rather than think. I ate about 1,937 calories and burned anywhere from 500-700 calories. My net calorie goal is around 1,400-1,600. I'm pretty pleased with my day.

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I can say with total confidence that there is nothing  nutritionally redeeming about this meal. It was floury, sugary, buttery, and deep fried. This is exactly that I ate Saturday afternoon, it was brunch and it was out of this world. For the past month I've allowed myself to have an indulgent meal or two on the weekends and this was no exception. Although I will say that I've had nothing truly this indulgent in a very long time.

I can also say with total confidence that if you're ever in Roanoke Virginia, Thelma's Chicken and Waffles is a must. This was by far the best fried chicken and waffle I've ever had. The waffle tasted like a snickerdoodle cookie. The potatoes were fried, buttered and seasoned to perfection. And the chicken was insanely good. We did not speak. We ate. I ate 3/4 of my waffle and gave the rest to Josh. It was that rich.

I will say though,  as good as this meal was, it did not make me feel good physically. Not that you're surprised. I mean, look at it. Everything is brown!

This brings me to my next observation and thoughts and wonderment: my diet. For the past two months since I've changed up my diet (yet again) I've stopped buying the following: bread, cheese (occasionally I will buy raw cheddar or feta), milk, processed snacks such as crackers and cereal and frozen pizzas. Our meals at home consist of breakfast, eggs and bacon, yogurt with jam, or oatmeal with various mix-ins. Occasionally I will have a Kind bar or Pure bar. For lunch I will have stir fry, or a salad. Dinner is something Chinese inspired. I've been making vegetable stir fry with peanuts or cashews or a regular basis.

When I eat out on weekends, or at someone's house, I eat pretty much what I want. Not excessively in portion, but just whatever is handed to me or I feel like eating. I still say no to sugar most of the time. This year, since giving up refined sugars, I can count on both hands how many times I've had dessert. Last year, I didn't have enough hands.

In the past two months I've lost 18 pounds with stalls when I get out of "the zone". It's still a struggle. The internet makes me feel food shy, as in, scared to share. When you share, you invite criticsm and advice. Two things I don't deal well with especially when it feels short sighted on unjustified. Nothing annoys me more than an opinion pretending to be authority. How do you guys deal with it? Why do we care so much about what other people eat?

And I'm no different. I follow the blog of a radio/tv personality who recently lost 60+ pounds. She looks great! But her daily food logs are disappointing. Her calorie goal is 1,100-1,200 a day. And most of those calories come from candy, coffee, cottage cheese, cookies and pizza crust to name a few. When she has what I would call a successful day of eating healthful foods, she calls a "bad" day because her calories float towards the 1,500 mark. I would never say anything directly to her in a comment, and I can guarantee she isn't reading this blog. But, I know what it's like to want to fix people. To want to suggest that they can do better. I get that.

But I'm getting to a point in my weight loss journey where it is hard for me to share. It is hard for me to say "I'm trying this" and then not following through exactly, or changing things around so much that my head spins. In the past two months I've lost 18 pounds, but I still feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Taking two steps forward and two steps back. I get in the zone. Where it's easy. You guys know what I'm talking about. The weight loss zone, where everything is mindful, you feel hunger and full, you're making good decisions, you're feeling confident and positive, the scale is moving down. You can see your future self, continuing down this path. It's like it never was before.

And then poof. It's gone. You're out of the zone and it feels like someone plunked you down in the middle of the sea without a life jacket. It happens quickly and without warning. And it leaves me wondering from the head space of assumed observers...was I too strict? not strict enough?  and why oh why can I not stick to anything?

This is why so many people stop blogging about weight loss. It is hard to continue putting yourself out there. To continue to observe, to continue to make new declarations, that this time, no really, this time I will do it. It's gonna happen. And after five years, it's hard not feel a little pain and discomfort from it. To have your failures in writing. It becomes glaringly obvious what you're doing wrong, and everyone is happy to tell you.

I commend myself for continuing to be here. To continue to over share exactly why this is hard for me. I didn't think I'd last this long. It is painful to still be here, right where I was before. To have clear mistakes and missteps right in front of me. To have the opinions of others who are in "the zone" hovering over me ready to lead me down the righteous path. Their path. Willing to hand over their key to success...if only you'd stop...if only you did this...all you have to do is that...this is where you're wrong... this is what you should be eating...you're too hard on yourself...you're not hard enough... please stop eating bacon...please stop eating fruit... you just need to write it all down... just do what i did...

I realize that I contradict myself, I make big claims, I declare that I've changed. And I have changed. But I'm still fat. And some days I'm hopeful that I won't always be, while others I wonder how I can be any other way. I'm dishing out my issues and my desire to change on a weekly basis. I know what to do, I know what it looks like, I even know what it feels like. I've had temporary success.

I love feeling exhausted from exercise. I yearn for the feeling of sweat and fatigue. I love the feeling of an empty stomach. I love the feeling of control that comes from documenting it all. I love the high from feeling above my weight, the feeling of I got this. But it's oh so fleeting because as much as I strive for it all, I toss a brick at it any chance I get. To prove to myself, nope not this time.

So this is me un-declaring myself from all the promises I've made. The promise to stop eating sugar or flour until I'm at least minus 100 on the scale. The promise to do it all in one years time. To do it all quickly. To do it on your terms or their terms or by the book or the rules. There will be times when I pass on something to eat, just because. There may be times when I eat too much. I want to free myself shackles of weight loss, the guilt, the shame from not being there. I'm okay as a fat woman. I am beautiful. Have you seen my eyes lately? They sparkle. I have full lips. Hair that sometimes stays in place. I have hands that type for me. A mind that is endlessly curious.

All I truly want is to fill my heart with that which truly makes me happy. Overeating has never made me truly happy. The only declaration I can make is to stop eating for no reason, past fullness, past feeling, past emotions. To stop and think about what I'm doing to myself. I know and always have known what good food looks like for me. The only promise that I can make to myself is to stop eating past fullness or the wrong reasons. I can't promise that it will always be the healthiest choice, or not involve butter, but I can make a real promise to eat less of whatever it is. To enjoy and savor, rather than stuff. A successful day is one where I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. If that involves anything from  fried chicken to a lovely salad, then so be it.

This is not a halt in the journey to be less fat, I thrive when I count calories. This is me claiming my fatness in an honest way. Why I'm still here and how I can strive towards a healthier body without punishment or belittlement. Without the temporary high that comes from The Zone. The self-righteous, I got this. Because I don't. I never did. I don't know what it looks like, but all I ask from myself and from you is to release me from expectations and perfection. I know there are healthier things to eat than bacon and eggs, but lord help me if I will stop eating them. I know fruit has sugar, but I will always congratulate myself for grabbing grapes instead of cookies, just like I did this afternoon.

Hors d'oeuvres, appetizers, finger foods...whatever you call it, I love them. For some reason, I think the variety, I love food served in bite-size portions. Last week I went to an event for a local women's magazine and was just so smitten with the variety of single-serving food that I had to take pictures and share with you guys.

This plate is small, about 6 inches in diameter and check out those shot glasses! Here's what was on my plate: blueberry salad which had some sort of vinaigrette mixed in. A slight basil flavor and tangy with olive oil. In the other shot glass you will find a bit of lettuce at the bottom, then a layer of egg salad topped with a few thin slices of smoked salmon and a sping of dill. A little cucumber and cream cheese tea sandwich wedge. It was light and crisp. A banana bread sandwich, right beside the blueberry salad. I loved this idea. Two thin slices of banana bread with a  layer of cream cheese in between. A couple of vegetable chips. And then a flaky almond galette. I tasted almond paste, which is one of my most favorite things in the world.

I made effort at this event to only eat what I truly wanted and to share dessert with my friend. But, what I really love is that it was a small sampling of really good food. It wasn't a buffet gorge sort of thing, just nice little treats that were well executed and delicious. I want to apply this mentality more to my everyday life. Having a taste and moving on. It's difficult for me because when something is really delicious, I want a lot of it, and then it isn't special anymore. This food felt special to me like an indulgent treat and not in an unreasonable amount. Eating this plate of food in its white flour, sugar and cream cheese glory would not make anyone overweight. This plate is not the problem. It's only when you multiply this plate, add guilt, and secrecy that it becomes a problem. And I want to learn this lesson over and over if I have to. Special food should remain special.

I have to tell you the first word that comes to mind with this blog post is "shewweeee!" and it's not even a real word, but it describes my life at the moment. I'm in the place right before a new chapter is about to unfold. The exciting, scary, gray area when you're sure something fantastic is about to unfold, but you're not even sure it's real yet. I keep pinching myself.

Tomorrow is the first day with my new business partner/program manager. She has been a creative friend for well over a year now. We first  bonded over making and selling jewelry and now we're merging our talents. When I met her I knew we would one day work together. I didn't know how or why, but it was a feeling that collaboration was inevitable. She will be working with me on design projects and a combined project 17 hours a week in my home office. Did I mentioned that she is a yoga instructor and a massage therapist on the side too?

I say all of this to say that a dream of mine is coming to life. I knew that I would eventually get to this point, these were thoughts that I put out in the universe many years ago. Probably while watching an episode of Designing Women, I'm sure of it. I wanted to own a business and work collaboratively with other creative women with lots of positive energy. I didn't know the details, but I knew it was something I felt passionately about.

Tomorrow I will be able to say that I am a fully insured business owner with a project manager who works with me part-time. It's insane. Truly crazy.

I believe in putting thoughts/dreams and goals into writing. I've been writing this goal every year since I was in my early 20's. It didn't happen over night and I had many experiences that  lead me to this very beginning stage. It makes me believe that I'm slowly getting to a better place emotionally and physically. I trust that I'll not always weigh close to 300 pounds. Just like I knew that I would some day own a business.

It's not that I put these thoughts out in the universe, as I call it, without the work to get here, but it helped that I always believed I would bring myself to this path. All of the days, months and years of experience were leading up to this point. This is how I choose to look at my weight loss efforts. I know, and truly believe that one day I will wake up at a weight that is comfortable and healthy for my body. I know  there will be a day when I step on a plane without anxiety of fitting in the seat or a day when I can be adventurous without worry of my weight.

When I was 15 years old I knew I would some day live in NYC. I didn't know how I would get there or what I would do when I arrived, but I knew it was going to happen. And it did. Three years later, when I was 18, I met Josh on his way to the big apple. I also knew on that day ten years ago that I would one day marry him. I didn't know how it would happen and I surely would not have expected all of the events that would unfold to get to this point, but I knew deep down that he would be my husband and it would be one of the best decisions I'd make.

So is there power in knowing? I can't say for sure, but one day my next chapter will be that of a business owner who lost 150 pounds. I don't just believe it, I know it.

As usual you guys never cease to amaze me. Who knew so many women would show up to yesterday's conversation and share their experience? I'm not alone. And we can figure out a way to cope. And more importantly keep going. I found that  the act of writing about my issues with PMS helped tremendously. Coming clean, as to say- here it is, this is where I'm going to need help. Writing is the best therapy for me. It makes me lighter.

I'm doing well. Hell, I'm doing good even. Yes I am dealing with 4 pounds of water weight, but who cares? 4 pounds is not the big picture. It's silly. It's water. It will go away and then more will go away and I will be a better person for sticking it out. My weight does not make me a bad person. This is a daily reminder. Being obese is not a crime.

And this brings me to my next topic: contradiction. I would say 100% that my beliefs and ideas contradict each other. This may be confusing to some people that know me. "But you said yesterday..." yes, but I changed my mind. Or I've decided that this and that need to go together. It's just how I am and the way I eat is no different.

Case in point: Since starting "paleo/eating better for me" I've taken grains and sugar out of my diet. I've cut down on dairy, starches and simple carbs. But. But is big here. I will eat them. And have eaten them. While traveling and dining with friends over the weekend I realized how insane we sound. "No thanks, I'll pass on the bread. Sure, I'll have a drink. Gnocci? yeah, sure why not?". What?!!?

Call it justification, but here's the deal. I'm learning that rules can be broken and personalized. I know what is and isn't a good idea for me. I skipped on bread and chose to eat a sensible portion of gnocchi. I was hungry, it came with my meal, I ate it. Yes it's a starch. Yes I said no to bread. Aren't they one in the same? Technically, yes.

Here's another example. On our way home we stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner. We both chose the home style fried chicken. Skipped the bread and skipped the starchy sides. Drank water and didn't have dessert. In the past, I would have had the fried chicken with mashed potatoes, a house salad drenched in ranch, two biscuits, sweet tea and bring on the apple cobbler! The difference is notable and real. Is the chicken breaded and deep fried? Yes! I ordered it with green beans and a salad. Skimped on the dressing and gave some chicken to the husband.

Want another example? In Charlottesville I had frozen yogurt from Sweet Frog. A planned treat. I can't tell you how long I've wanted a big cup of frozen yogurt topped with candy. So what do I do? I eat a very light breakfast of eggs. Skip lunch (not hungry). Have a light dinner (the gnocchi one from above) and then indulge in frozen yogurt. And topped it off with a long walk. I was even under my calories for the day.

I will have the occasional iced latte. I have brown rice almost every single day for dinner. I will put feta or goat cheese on a salad. I'm okay with all of these decisions because they aren't what brought me here. 1 cup of brown rice a day didn't make me obese. I don't sneak around with salads with feta and the iced latte without sugar? We have a solid friendship. If I said no to all of these things, I wouldn't last a week. I would be sad and cry a little. They aren't the problem.

Pints of ice cream. Large frozen pizzas. Ordering meals with the most food. Stuffing myself. Snacks. Eating without hunger. Starting over...tomorrow will be better. I will be healthier next week. This mentality brought me to obesity. Consuming so much that I can't move is the problem.

I'm slowly getting the point. Making better decisions. Planning. And while it may all sound like one big contradiction, it's working for me. I know where to say no and where to say yes and the biggest point? I'm okay with it all. Being okay with the decision to eat a big bowl of frozen yogurt stops me from wanting more. It keeps me present. I'm here, I'm enjoying this and when it's gone I can go on with my life.

I have events and dinners going on all the time. If I go to a friends house and they serve me a big plate of grains or lasagna, I'm not going to turn my nose up and say "ewww carbs!" I will enjoy, stop when I'm full and move on. I may eat lighter during the day or make sure I exercise or say no to dessert.

This is why I don't like telling people what I'm doing because it doesn't make much sense. In total. I'm eating less. I'm being pickier. I'm avoiding triggers. And if faced with something particularly delicious. I feel like I can enjoy it and move on with a plan of action.  I can stick with the low grains/sugar thing most of the time. At home, it's no big deal. And that's when it matters most. What I do most of the time is more important than what I do on occasion.

I had my first taste of what a normal day of eating could be like for me in the future. Yesterday was one of those days that had "balance" written all over it. And the elation I feel over something so simple, is hard to explain.

Balance over making the right choices, not over indulging, eating what I wanted, stopping when I was full, passing on dessert and being okay about it all. It feels normal to me. Just like breathing or sleeping, I want the ability to not feel guilty, moving on and not being consumed. None of that "tomorrow I will be better" stuff.

Here's what I mean...

Yesterday morning I woke up and had two eggs fried in a little olive oil. Followed with my usual glasses of ice water. I was full and satisfied until a little after noon. It was exactly what I wanted. Just eggs.

When I came home I fought a small urge to eat out, but knew I had food at home to eat. I threw together a delicious salad filled with lettuce, feta, a whole avocado, chicken, salsa and onions. It was amazing, healthy, and cheap. I was also full.

When I got home around 4pm.  I was faintly hungry so I ate a few unsalted peanuts  to tide me over.

Knowing that I had friends coming over at 6:30 I threw together a quick goat cheese dip served with Mary's Gone wheat free crackers. I ate a couple for quality control and out of hunger.

My friends arrived with a delicious array of food. I had a small slice of spanakopita made with kale, a lemon/poppy savory cheese muffin, a couple of wheat free crackers with goat cheese and habanero jelly. It was all delicious. I was hungry. I didn't have dessert. I didn't feel guilty for eating when I was genuinely hungry. And I didn't mindlessly eat at the table or once everyone was gone. I didn't even want to.

This on a day when I was slightly sleep deprived. Woke up at 5am to work. Then worked straight all day. But, I could handle my stress. The day didn't gobble me up like I think they sometimes do. I didn't feel a need to turn to food because I had a long day. And it's weird to say that.

I calculated my calories for the day and was at around 1,400. Not bad. I also didn't have the feeling of "well, I screwed up. Let's eat!" that I normally default to. There was a brief concern that the dessert would be left with me, and I had a back up plan. I honestly didn't want to eat it, I didn't want to grogginess that comes with it.

I know all of this inner thought seems a little much for someone who doesn't know what I'm talking about. And while I won't be eating flour and sugar today because I did yesterday. It was nice to  have my first taste of what it will be like to have days like that. To feel the balance. Normal. Not out of control. But I don't totally trust it yet. Knowing when to stop.

I couldn't help but think  that this is how people do it. This is how they stay thin, lose weight, maintain...you get my point. It was a matter of playing my cards in a different way. It wasn't all or nothing. It was a little of this and none of that and moving on.

And the weight is steadily coming off. I'm now down 9 pounds and it's motivating me. Feeling good is motivating me even more. Knowing what the alternative is, is no longer appealing. The minutes of satisfaction from eating sweets and over eating does not make up for the hours of misery it causes. The bloat, the foggy head, the sickness. Not to mention all the stress that being obese causes in my life.

First week of eating better plan is down. Last week I ate really well, loosely tracked my calories, lost seven pounds, was incredibly productive, did two days of Zumba and one day of strength training. I couldn't have asked for a better week.

Here is a sampling of what I ate:

honey apples with raw almond butter and raw honey

sweet potato with sea salt, olive oil, cayenne pepper and garlic

peppers and steak with cauliflower "rice"

lots of local fruit

eggs with mushrooms and chevre

feta and local beef meatballs with homemade tomato and basil sauce over local zucchini

I also had ribs, chicken, kale, salads and some un-paleo rice and peanut butter. I only had a craving once for sugary/floury comfort food which was quickly put out of my mind when I remembered how physically horrible I would feel. I feel good eating this way- clear, less moody, less depressed,  and fewer runny noses. Not up or down, just like a (relatively) normal person. I had one episode of feeling depressed and that was after eating way too much peanut butter  before realizing that it was made with sugar. I remember thinking "why do I feel so bad?"  It's taken me a very long time to realize that my issues with depression are directly related to food and activity.

I don't feel deprived, bloated or unsatisfied. I eat when I'm hungry. I'm not overly concerned about calories. I just feel a little more sane. And I'm losing weight.

I have three sessions of Zumba planned, the new Insanity "Fast & Furious" workout DVD to try and another session of strength training.

Here's to another successful week!

We've had some good eats this week. Steak, fresh produce, and new recipes. Thanks to you all for the supportive comments on my new diet experiment. I realize how defensive that post was. I'm often a defensive person (it's on my list of things to work on) when I feel my motives are misunderstood or taken too seriously, but I guess that's the point right? I will follow it by saying, of course, I will have grains again in my life and of course I will continue weaving and bobbing until I find what works for me. I'm using Paleo as a guide-line, but let's be honest here...it's not much different than say, South Beach or any other plan that tells you:

avoid white flour and sugar

What I'm looking for (and have looked for this whole time) is food sanity. Poking my head in Paleo this week has done that for me. And I say Paleo very loosely, to the point where I'm just going to call it "eating better for me" because I've had  portions of brown rice and goat cheese and ate two apples yesterday.

But here's the difference: I'm not tempted to overeat. If I need food, I eat it. Yesterday when I got home around 3pm I was starving. So I cut up an apple and enjoyed it with raw almond butter and raw honey. I forced myself to eat it outside instead of at my computer desk. It was what I needed. Shortly after I ate a sweet potato with chili and garlic powder, sea salt and olive oil. For dinner I had veggie red thai curry over brown rice. After Zumba I had another apple with almond butter and honey.

On top of that, I've been very productive this week. And upbeat despite PMS. I don't feel "foggy, groggy or tired". But this isn't about the first week of "eating better for me" it's about...how long can I sustain myself this way? I'm eating food that love, I'm eating when I'm hungry, I don't have cravings. But, I'm not expecting perfection along the way. I just feel like my steering is a little more steady now.

It's not so willy nilly in my head. When I allow the sugars and the flours and the this and the that, I start justifying everything. Needing a little more. Needing another hit, another fix to make it all go away. Never feeling like it's enough. Always wanting a second helping of cheesy potatoes, another slice of pizza, just one more burger...hey, what about those muffins over there- aren't they whole grain? And before I know it I'm diving head first into the food of the moment, what I need right now, justifying that it's just today, today I need this. Tomorrow I will be good.

Here are the facts: How I'm eating, is how I want to eat regardless of what I've decided to call it. I could call this low calorie, weight watchers, paleo, or the turkey-butt diet. How it always looks in my head, but never seems to happen when I've got so many other tempting choices. It looks like sweet potatoes, meat, brown rice, stir-fry, thai curry, fajitas, butternut squash fries, fresh fruit, almond butter, goat cheese, fresh guacamole and salsa, sushi, tandoori or jerk chicken, boiled eggs, big salads. It looks real, not from a box, contained in plastic, given to me from a window. This is how I want to be most of the time. This is what makes me feel satisfied, productive and healthy. When I elimate the choices I have a hard time controlling, I'm left with a better alternative.

I don't overeat salad. I don't try to sneak in one more bite. Wait impatiently for seconds. Try to find a way to look like I took less on my plate. Hide the leaves in my drawer so no one will see. I don't sneak sweet potatoes in my purse or stuff apples in my mouth between green lights. I don't turn to goat cheese, or bananas after a hard or stressful day. The banana is never there for me the way cake was. There is no guilt with thai curry or tandoori chicken, no second guessing a skewer of shrimp or a second helping of roasted local chicken.

There is a certain panic that sets in when your doctor gives you a look that says "I don't care how you lose weight, just lose weight". It's different than having a few vanity pounds to lose, or wanting to meet a goal weight for personal satisfaction, wear smaller clothes, or feeling sexier for my husband. When you have 170 pounds to lose, you don't have much choice other than to tighten your saddle, and get real about what is causing you to be very obese.

There is a distinct difference between being frantic and panicked about food versus peaceful and content. I know what it's like to be completely and utterly at war with myself over food. I know what it's like to feel panic over the loss of control. The looming question, when do I start becoming what I envision for myself? When does it start?  And the best question of all: Is it working for me? If what I'm doing isn't bringing me closer to who I want to be then it's up to me to draw up another plan and change course.

It's not easy to change course when you want so bad for the current course to work. When you want to be the person who can bake cookies and only have one or two a day. Have them sitting in a nice neat container on your counter or nestled together in the freezer without them consuming your thoughts. You want to be the person who can have pizza without eating the whole thing and wanting more. Or have the occassional special dessert with your husband at a fancy restaurant and ask...can we stop for ice cream after? I want to be the person who can have pancakes on a lazy Saturday morning, slathered with butter and maple syrup. A pint of ice cream in the freezer for the once daily spoonful. The person who can casually be in this world, but not totally committed to it. One toe in with a foot in better choices. Who chooses to feel better, to not over-indulge when given the choice.

Instead, I'm racing to eat it all. All of it until it's gone. Until there is no evidence of what I've done, because tomorrow promises to be better. Wasting entire days because I ate too much. Sleeping until the pain of too much fades away. I will be the same person making the same choices, but somehow, magically I will do better. There is a balance I've not yet learned. But why not give myself a better chance to succeed?