(I made lemon and raspberry jam pancakes this weekend! Check out my other blog, Beautiful Layers, for the easy recipe.)

This week I'm adding a little more structure to my weight loss efforts. I feel like I'm getting the hang of my new, no-binge eating habits and now I'm ready to add exercise and a weekly weigh-in.

This week my goal is to do four hours of cardio and one hour of strength. On Friday's I will post my exercise tally and on Sunday's I will do a weigh in. I feel good about this.

I also want to start adding outfit posts on a regular basis. I want to do this to push myself to get dressed on busy at home days, and also to track my weight loss through photos.

So there's that! How was your weekend? Things were pretty quiet around here. Lots of cooking and working on projects.

Today marks week four, day two of consistent exercise with Insanity. That is, 6.5 workouts, most of them are 40 minutes long. And I'm reminding myself that I've been here before. In the spring, I made it 14 weeks. I was seeing improvement and then it stopped. I don't remember why exactly (something to go back and read) but I'm telling myself that this doesn't stop when the calendar fills up or when 60 days are over. If I'm being honest, it will take a full year of consistent exercise for me to really be in a better place physically. Probably two. And then for the rest of my life.

In the past three weeks, my food intake has been hit or miss. I've been experimenting with different calorie counts, and I think I've found one that will work for me. On myfitnesspal (lorriebee) you work with net calories. This means if your net calorie goal is 1,400 and you burn 500 calories, you can eat 1,900 calories in a day. I think this is a great tool, but for some reason I've been struggling with the notion of eating all of my burned calories.

Myfitnesspal gives you an estimated calories burned, but I'm not convinced it's accurate. I think I'm burning 400-600 calories during Insanity. But when I log it in, it's usually more. And then I'd see this insane amount of food I could still eat. And for some reason that triggered me to eat beyond hunger.

So to calm my tender brain I've decided, which some research and calculating, that I will consume 1,600 calories a day regardless of how much I burn during exercise. Of course there will be some ups and downs with that number, but I feel good with that. I'm burning about 400 calories, six days a week, so that is a net of about 1,100-1,300 calories which is totally in the weight loss zone for me.

I also feel like 1,600 calories is a very reasonable amount of food for me. I can wrap my head around it and not be obsessive. I can move the numbers around easily to accommodate my day. It feels flexible to me.

If I know I'm going out to dinner or to an event in the evening. I can still have a 200 calorie breakfast and 400 calorie lunch with 1,000 calories to work with in the evening. Or if I'm in the mood for a bigger, 500-600 calorie breakfast/brunch sort of thing. I can make that happen too. It goes with my new mantra "I can have what I want, but I can't have everything I want" which simply means that yes, if I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I can do that. But, it doesn't mean I need to go out to eat twice in a day and then snack all day and have dessert after every meal. I just don't need that much food.

Yesterday was my first day trying out my new set calorie count and it went so well. I even showed a two pound loss on the scale this morning from it. I woke up and had a serving of mexican chili for breakfast, and again for lunch. I measured it and estimated the calories. I hate two teas with milk and sugar. A small treat. And dinner was teriyaki chicken. I didn't feel obsessive about anything and when I hit the 1,600 calorie mark I felt comfortable and done for the day.

I know this probably sounds like the ramblings of a man-woman, but I needed to share. Mainly to work through these fears I have of sharing and acting. I'm trying to change my inner dialogue and making this a positive journey. Not one of self defeating agony. Last night I was in that bed staring at my clothes hanging in the closet and I visualized what it would be like to fit in all of them, effortlessly. And then I visualized them being too big. I imagined that the sweaters looked like deflated balloons where my arms used to go. I realized in that moment that I can make all of these things happen, there is nothing stopping me.

The day started with an Insanity workout, which was insane. I skipped Thursday's workout meaning that I will have to exercise tomorrow, my usual day off , to make up for it. I've learned that morning exercise is the way to go for me, especially in the winter and Thursday just didn't happen.

I drank tons of water and made a mental note to carry my water bottle with me where ever I went today.

I made a fruit smoothie for breakfast. Granola was an amazing addition.

And then I got dressed for the day and realized something that I need to share: I will wear anything. Even if I probably shouldn't. I'm  sure there is some rule book out there for big girls in their late 20's. You know the one about not wearing puffy vests, and bright colors? I laugh in the face of fashion rules! This is why I should never give fashion advice. I will try my darnedest to "make it work". For real. Too old? no! too fat? no! too bright? no! Bring it! This is also why you should never take me clothing shopping with you. I will encourage you to buy anything that makes your heart pitter patter, even if fashion says otherwise. I will encourage and celebrate headbands on grown women, false eye lashes for the office and sparkly shoes that were trendy seven years ago. You've been warned.

Lunch was a big giant salad that I'm calling "fall salad", because of the cranberries, of course. It was filled with other yummy things like goat cheese, pecans and ginger dressing. And then I hemmed and hawed over having baked spaghetti. Would the salad be enough? Do I really need the spaghetti? Will the salad keep me full? So I did was any rational person would do and ate the spaghetti. The cream cheese baked spaghetti that my bff Jasmine told me that I needed to "omg make right now!" because it was on pinterest and it's delicious. So I made it with whole wheat noodles and vodka sauce and I'll be darned if that didn't come out to 530 calories per serving. That's what happens when you put a whole block of cream cheese into your spaghetti. You won't regret it. Luckily, I portioned everything out into single serving freezer cups to prevent it from tempting me too much.

For a mid-afternood treat I drank a mug of Tazo passion tea, unsweetened.

For dinner I made the most popular Fenn household dish. Are you ready? Vegetable and peanut stir fry! Not kidding, it's the very best thing that I make. We both love it, it's easy, it's quick, it's healthy, it's bulky, it's vegetables, it's cheap, it's everything I could hope for.

It's so easy and fail proof, just vegetables, garlic, sesame oil, red pepper flakes, soy sauce, peanuts, rice vinegar, water and honey.

I had another tea right after dinner. This time it was caramel black tea with a little milk and sugar.

And then I succumbed to an after-after dinner treat while re-watching Mad Men. I really went back and forth on this. I rationalized heating a little cookie dough in the microwave. I really truly did. It wasn't much, and I ate it slowly. Did I need it? no. Did it derail my day? no. Did I end up eating more? no. So I'm okay with that. I did have a real moment with myself when I wanted more, because I will always want more in that, more wouldn't taste any different and would make me sick. I've been there. I just wanted a little. But, I've been here before with "just a taste" which has turned into a weeks worth of calories. I'm realizing that eating more of anything when I'm full is never fulfilling, I just need to keep reminding myself of that every day.

Stuff I liked about today: I had a plan with food, exercise and even my work. I got a lot done today and I feel good for that. I also feel good that I drank lots of water and had servings of fruit and vegetables at each meal. I net about 1,600 calories.

Today marks the 10th day of the Insanity Workout for me. Last week I was so sore, there were days when I was moving like an old lady. Today the soreness is more specific, like the back of my right thigh, but my body is getting used to the activity. I like being in a place where my body feels more conditioned and everything is more fluid.

It's helpful for me to have a plan of action as far as exercise goes. I wake up do a little work, and when Josh wakes up we exercise. The calendar tells me which workout to do, and I do it. When I have a plan, the excuses are smaller. I can get to a place mentally where I do it anyway. It's staying there that is the challenge. The more times that I do this, get up and exercise, or start again with a routine, the easier it becomes. The alternative is becoming less and less appealing each day that I take the time to make what I want happen.

***

I hope you all had a delicious Thanksgiving last week. I wasn't in the mood to post, but want to let you know that I often post my exercise on twitter and facebook, if you care to see what I'm doing there. I'm also tracking my food on myfitnesspal.com. I'm weighing in once a week and so far I'm close to 3 pounds loss from Friday when I weighed in. I'm looking forward to another loss on Friday.

This is so random, but do you go through outfit phases? I do. I will wear the hell out of an outfit that I love.  This is my new favorite outfit. I don't know why, it's just comfortable and comforting to me. The jacket was purchased at Maurices, late fall last year at a deep discount. The jeans are from walmart of all places and sandals are from Avenue. It happened to be really warm Saturday. I know that look on my face says "something smells", but it was one of the better ones. I also want to use this outfit to track my progress, by taking a picture wearing it every month.

More randomness: here's me and Josh on Sunday after a dinner/lunch thing and I wanted to post because I was wearing a new wrap dress that I'm pretty sure was not flattering at this stage of my life, but I wore it anyway and because Josh looks so darn cute.

And finally, the last random photo for this post. My favorite salad at the moment. Leafy greens (preferably arugula or spinach) with cranberries, goat cheese, almonds and ginger dressing.

I saw this comment on Facebook yesterday from Geneen Roth, it really hit home for me why I'm doing this challenge.

“The most radical part of my own story is not that I stopped dieting; it’s that I stopped trying to fix myself. I stopped fighting with myself, stopped blaming myself, my mother, my latest boyfriend for my weight. And since diets were my most flagrant attempt at fixing myself, I stopped them as well. What would your life be like if you stopped trying to fix yourself?”

I'm curious to know...

What would your life be like if you stopped trying to fix yourself?

Side note: I will be out of the comments until this evening.

Yesterday was a great success. I have to thank all of you for taking the time to leave feedback, not just with me, but with everyone else in the comment area. That was so nice and encouraging to watch.

There were times yesterday when I would eat small meals in anticipation for hunger. Which would push hunger back even more. I'm fine with this. I don't want to get caught up in the mind swirls of "what is hunger" , "am I truly hungry?", "is starving hungry?" because it could go on for hours and days. And at the heart of it, I know what overeating looks like, and that is what I'm aiming to avoid.

For example, I made a delicious dinner of chickpea coconut curry with rice. I wasn't hungry when I made it so I took a bite, because it just looked good. A couple of hours later, I still wasn't overly hungry, but I pulled out a tiny bowl that holds about a cup of food and I enjoyed a little bit. And that was that. As I look over yesterday I see one trend: several small meals scattered throughout the day. I was never stuffed and never starving.

I counted my calories out of curiosity and vowed to myself that I would not feel guilt over whatever the number came out to be. After exercise, I net about 1,300 calories. That is extremely good for me. I also baked, twice, and did not overeat. I feel like I'm playing with fire, but vowed that I would be honest with whatever happened. I made two loaves of pumpkin chocolate bread, ate one thin slice and put the rest way for later. I also made a batch of French Madeleines. Ate one, put the rest away for tea time today. I. Put. Them. Away. And they aren't haunting me. I really believe removing guilt, removes the power of food. As does eating for the wrong reasons.

Today, I want to work on a list of things to do to keep my hands busy when I'm taking a break from work, but don't want to watch TV. Art journaling is at the top of the list. I've been longing to paint and create collages lately. I think this will be a good thing for me artistically. It will also keep me from eating from emotions.

And finally, I think I will keep this post open throughout the day for updates and picture posts. Please feel free to use the comments area of this post if you need support, want to chat, or just want to say hello throughout the day.

I woke up super early today to get a lot of work done. Right now, I'm more thirsty than hungry. Drinking lots of water. Maybe an iced coffee soon and then breakfast. Avoiding the scale until this weekend, I'm in the water retention portion of the month and I'd just rather wait it out.

Welcome to day one, week one of the Waiting for Hunger Challenge! I've compiled a list of participants in hopes that we can encourage each other in the coming days and weeks as we form new habits. It's not too late to join us; feel free to leave a comment in this post if you'd like to be added to the list.

Waiting for Hunger Participants

BCGirlie

Happy Girl 

Kayla 

Erika

Lindsay

Kelsey

Jackie

Rennie

Ella

Yaya

Jen

I'll be using the comments section as a chat area too for communication throughout the day. Today's theme is using smaller plates and bowls. I've heard this tip numerous times, and it wasn't until this morning that I decided to actually see how it would work.

I woke up around 7am pretty hungry. Because I'm in a cold cereal phase right now I grabbed one of my smallest bowls off the shelf. I know that cereal doesn't do much for my hunger and I've had issues in the past with overeating it, but I'm ready to try again. It's what I wanted. Small bowl of Mother's Choice Honey O's with whole organic milk.

About three hours later I could feel hunger pangs again. I got a few chores and work done and decided that I would make one of my favorite big breakfasts for me and Josh. Doing this would require a few habit changes 1) getting over the guilt of feeling hungry again 2) using a smaller plate 3) eating slowly and enjoying my food 4) being okay with leftovers and 5) instead of dividing the food in half I presented everything buffet style and filled my little appetizer plate without layering. By doing this, I was eating a fourth of what I normally would. In the future I hope to get used to preparing smaller amounts of food and being comfortable with having less on hand. For now, I'm okay with putting it in the refrigerator for later.

Another tip was cutting things like bread into smaller pieces. Normally I would have two large slices of bread, four slices of bacon, two eggs and a cup of fried potatoes. No wonder I have food issues.  Today, using the small plate method, I at 1/2 slice of bread, 2 slices of bacon, 1 egg, and about 1/4-1/2 c. potatoes. That's a significant difference and I'm full, but not uncomfortably so.

I'm realizing and truly trying to understand that I don't need so much food. I ordered a salad last night and couldn't believe how enormous it was. It was enough for 2-3 meals.

I debated what I would call this challenge.  I went back and forth on using the word "hunger" because it's loaded. Because people in the world are actually hungry and do not have the luxury of eating when they're not. There are also people in the world who deny themselves food when they are hungry. I first called it the "feeling it challenge" and then the "wait for it challenge". And then a million other combinations of words that just didn't feel right. So in advance, this challenge means exactly what it says: waiting for hunger to eat.

In the past week I've been challenging myself to 1) wait for hunger to eat 2) stop at the first signs of full 3) feel the feelings of wanting to eat outside of hunger 4) sit down and eat without watching tv or being in front of the computer 5) find something else to fill the need 6) eliminate guilt from eating. I'm realizing that when I wait for hunger, it takes less food to make me full. When I eat from habit or emotion, I will never, ever be full. This is profound for me. It is profound because I know how much food I need in a day. When I eliminate guilt, the power is gone.

In the past two times I've gone out to eat, I've slowed down. To drink water, to have conversation, to look around. I'm not stuffing food in my face. I'm making different decisions. When I'm at home, a different challenge arises, having food around all the time. So I make myself think harder. To write down what I'm feeling and to do something else. Anything that will make me happier than overeating. This challenge is not about guilt, deprivation or starvation. It's about eating, stress free, and then stopping. It's about moving on.

Yesterday I was more productive and happy  than I've been in a long time. I created a task jar where I write down all of the tasks I want to get done on post-it notes. I fold them up and drop them in the jar. I shake it a little and pick one at random. I do that task and nothing else. I was focused. And it worked for me. I completed 14 tasks. I was only tempted to overeat once (yogurt with dark chocolate peanut butter). I got stuff done that I've been sitting on for weeks. Stuff I was waiting for the "perfect situation" to complete.

I bring this up because I found something that worked for me. I've been making to-do lists and detailed plans using other peoples methods for as long as I can remember. I just don't work that way. I get overwhelmed, I find excuses and then I just drop it all. I become paralyzed by methods that do not work for me. And the same goes for eating. All I need to change my life if is to wait for hunger. I know how to eat. I know how much my body needs to lose weight. I trust that in myself. When I count calories or eliminate food, it's because I don't trust myself. And I end up eating without hunger. Programs, for me, cover the problem. They put power in food, rather than me. I know it works for people. But, as I sit here, still in need of losing 150 + pounds, I need a new way. My way.

So if you feel like you might benefit from this challenge, I encourage you to leave a comment. For the next week I'm making a promise to myself that I will not eat when I'm not genuinely hungry. If I want to eat, I will write instead. I will sew a skirt. I will blog about something fun. I will decorate my house. I will hug my husband. I will do something, anything, that fills me up without food. This isn't about counting calories, or feeling guilty over any food decision I make. This isn't about nutrition, or avoiding food groups. It's simple: only eat when you're hungry without distractionsand stop eating when you're full. If you're in, I will support you in anyway I can. I will correspond in the comments. I will visit your blog. We can do this!

I'm realizing that weight loss= eating less. I already knew that, and you probably did too. But, what does that actually look like? Tonight at dinner I gave myself a challenge. The challenge wasn't to pick the healthiest thing of the menu, or to measure everything out, or to be concerned with the calories. The only challenge was to slow down and enjoy the meal, guilt free, and to stop eating when I was full.

What did it look like? I ordered chicken fajitas with my husband to share. I ate a few tortilla chips, slowly and mindfully while we waited on our order to come. I put the food on my plate and took a bite. Chewed. Put my fork down. Took a drink of water. Then I took another bite, chewed, put my fork down and drank water. I repeated this process until my brain said full. I looked down at my plate and realized that I had eaten about a fourth of what I normally do. And I was satisfied. I was full, but not stuffed and I asked for a to-go box.

I know all of this sounds incredibly elementary, but I just couldn't believe it. Josh actually kind of looked at me to say "are you not feeling well?".

I bring this up because sometimes I have moments when I realize how much I complicate weight loss. How much emphasis on what I'm eating rather than how much. It's a nagging thought I've had for awhile, and one I've mentioned before. The realization that I'm capable of losing weight if I just listen to my body. That understanding that at my weight, eating less, being mindful and stopping when I'm full is more important than worrying if I've had enough vegetables in the day. I do believe in good nutrtion, but deep down, I know that that will work itself out eventually. Today, a success is not cleaning my plate and then wanting more. Success is not feeling shame when I eat and enjoy my dinner.

A friend said something to me today and was profoud. A friend who I would consider healthy and balanced with her diet and exercise. The same friend who loves corndogs. Despite the ingredients she realized that feeling guilty about loving corndogs places the wrong emotions on food. Of course she isn't eating them everyday, but I truly believe that guilt and shame lead to overeating.

As much as I struggle with overeating in my life. I'm realizing that there are many times in the day where I'm not eating. I'm just in the moment with whatever I'm doing. I'm trying to notice those moments more, to feel good about them, even if they're my normal. To use them at a catalyst for motivation when I do want to eat too much food. Instead of looking at the day as a whole, I look at it in moments. Realizing that there are moments in the day where I'm content without food.  Moments of strength, awareness and thoughtfulness.

I realized that I don't have to make weight loss confusing or brutal. I'm already the person I need to be to lose weight. My body is equipped to help me eat less if I'm willing to listen.  I don't need to read another diet book, or count another calorie (I will for now), or keep up with the latest studies on nutrition. I know what makes me feel good. I know what true hunger and thirst feels like. And I know when I'm full without being stuffed.

It's comforting to realize this. To realize I have the ability to eat less at any given moment. To realize that ever meal has potential to make me hear what my body is saying. Even without a meal plan, weight goal or dream about a thinner body, I choose to simply eat less. I can have what I crave and desire, guilt free.

What does eating less look like for you?

I spent the weekend in good ol' West Virginia. Equal parts to see my family, go to the Dunbar fall festival and to see my best friend Jasmine for her 29th birthday. We're all turning 29 in "the group" of girls I've known forever, and we like to tease Jasmine, because she's the oldest and it means 30 is right around the corner for us all. 30 seems so big and scary. I know I will love my 30s, I've heard rumors that they're great, but I'm embracing the heck out of 28 for now. I also feel a lot of motivation to leave my excess weight in my 20s.

Me and Jasmine posing at the farmer's market.

My hometown feels haunted to me. Every corner has a specific memory, even the outside scent takes me back to the years prior to college. To high school, when driving around with the music up and the windows down, was the height of excitement for us.  I'm not sure what it is about fall, but I feel nostalgic. The scents, the leaves, the chill in the air. It's magical to me and a feeling I hope I never lose. I have fall rituals, that probably sound silly, but are incredibly comforting. Such as fall scented candles and car air fresheners in scents like pumpkin, cinnamon or fireside. I like wearing hoodies with flip-flops. I have mix CDs with my favorite fall music going in the car.  I start cooking food like curry and chili for dinner. And I fill my porch with mums, asters and pumpkins. All of these  traditions are incredibly important to me. Am I alone here?

Do you have any fall traditions?

November! I found out a couple of weeks ago that I will be traveling to Los Angeles the first week of November. I will have more details on this trip, as it is blog related, in the coming weeks. But, for now, I am super excited and motivated to continue with my weight loss efforts. I have six weeks before the trip and I'm setting two goals that go along with my September goals. The first one is to exercise everyday with one day off. This means sticking to my exercise schedule of Zumba, c25k, Jillian's 30 day DVD and stregnth training. I'm also re-setting the goal of tracking my calories every single day for the next six weeks, including the weekends. I struggle tracking on the weekends, because I'm out and about and not able to track on my phone, but this shouldn't be an excuse.

Ultimately I would like to lose 2-3 pounds a week, but I'll be pleased with whatever weight is lost from my actions.