I've been going to Weight Watchers since April and I'm losing weight, albeit slowly at times. I feel good about my  choices. I'm making small, yet livable sacrifices to lose weight and now I just want to show this blog a new weight. It's coming! I'm hoping by the end of summer.

I've also been taking thyroid hormone replacements consistently for a month and a half and while I'm not sure if these aid weight loss I am noticing that my weight is not piling on as fast as it used to. My whole life, while I do have binge eating disorder, it has always seemed that my body puts on weight and holds onto it more eagerly. Just looking at food would make me gain weight. And now, it's easier not to gain. Who knows what it is, but I welcome it.

And this blog. Lord, I have a back log of photos to share, mostly food. There are days when I eat very lightly all day and then eat a large dinner and there are days when I eat dark chocolate for breakfast and days when I eat a half of a large pizza (like last night) and I want to share, but...

I've struggled with this blog. Let's be honest, I've struggled with blogging for well over a year now. I even toyed with the idea of not blogging here anymore. And at the sake of seeming full of myself/ungrateful/crazy the attention that this blog generates makes me want to hide under a rock. I didn't know this about myself, well I did, but I like to pretend I'm not as sensitive as I am. Words sting me, and they sting deep. Back when I first starting blogging, I just did it, I represented who I was becoming and I wanted to share my journey. Very few people were reading. No one expected me to be something else.

And then the readers came, more than I ever thought would stop by. And then the companies came too. My inbox filled to the gills- the product reviews, the advice, the appreciation emails and it became too much for me. This blog is not the most popular blog on the internet- that title is usually given to blogs that actually update and have a sense of humor. But, that attention and sometimes negative comments has made me want to hide away and without knowing, that is exactly what I've done.

If I don't blog, no one can comment or criticize what I eat, or how I live my life. Eventually the emails will slow down, and I the back-log of product reviews will fade away into my distant past. The truth is, is that I want to share. The good, the bad, and the ugly, but I need to develop a tougher skin in this process. I'm still learning just like everyone else and for some reason my web address "my all natural weight loss" lends to make folks think I'm some sort of nutrition expert. I have no idea what I'm doing on most subjects, most of the time. I just do. I'm okay with mistakes and learning from them and moving forward.

I've addressed my sensitivity to others and they  said "just turn off the comments" but there are those who are here too, in the journey, learning and sharing and discussing in this wonderful community who I am thankful for. Those who don't send me emails saying "it is not responsible to eat vegan cookies and pretend that they are healthy" what? Are you kidding me? How did I become the surgeon general of healthful living?

What I really think is this: I think most women have eating disorders. I think most women fear food. I don't think all skinny people are healthy (a lot of them eat crap and rarely exercise). I think that the desire to overeat is a strong beast that is hard to overcome. I believe that food should not be feared, that health can be obtained with beautiful freshly made, sustainable foods even if they have full-fat cheese, butter or olive oil in them. I think that too many women think that low calorie= healthy and eat shitty tasteless food as a result. Embrace olive oil. If I avoid sugar and flour in excess, olive oil does not make me gain weight. Even if I put it on everything.  I believe that counting calories is degrading. I believe that no one should eat less than 1,500 calories a day. I believe exercise is the key to happiness.

This is my blog and I'm taking it back. I do not owe anyone a reason for not updating, I do not owe anyone daily calories or my current weight (which changes as often as I change my underwear), I do not owe anyone common sense on eating cookies or sweets, I do not owe companies product reviews if their products sucked or timely reviews if it did not. This blog does not pay may bills on a regular basis, but the ads sure have helped and I am very grateful for those folks.

Thank you for reading, commenting, emailing and being lovely and supportive. This blog has given me a lot over time and I'm not giving up on it.

Yesterday was one of those focused sit for hours and work at the computer days. I woke up to my usual 4-6oz. of juice with my thyroid upper (as I like to call them) followed later with breakfast. I also woke up extremely sore, and even as I write this still sore! See what a gym hiatus will do?

So, what did I eat? *Please keep in mind that I'm not a nutritionist nor am I condoning a certain way of eating to lose weight or be healthy. This is for my own tracking and accountability.

I had some local sausage that I needed to use up, but was having a hard time figuring out how to use it, so I came up with this:

I cooked a thin patty of sausage wide enough to cover a bagel and topped it with a local egg, local spinach a tiny bit of cheese and butter and ate half of the sandwich and shared the other with Josh. This was really good! And I was pleased with myself for eating half (although I might eat a whole one today depending on hunger) and just as satisfied. I cut up some organic strawberries to go along with it. oh! and that bagel is whole wheat.

Can I tell you how excited I am to have found these bagels? In nyc we used to order par-baked frozen bagels from fresh direct and bake them in the oven. They were like the real bagels you'd get anywhere in nyc (nothing like the chewy sour mess that lenders and the like make) and I found them here! I knew they were the right kind when the package read "made in bronx ny" and they are exactly how I remember!

This satisfied my hunger all day. To the point where I was working all day and forgot to eat lunch. Which is not good, but by the time I started selling jewelry at one of the local concerts I was starving. Luckily the rib-man was there!

This was split in half. I love this mans ribs! They are spicy and not smothered in bbq sauce (my nemesis), plus he smokes them all day. <3

When I got home from the concert I was still hungry so I got out a little ramekin and filled it with organic whole plain yogurt, a little organic raspberry jam, a couple of granola thins crumbled on top, chopped up strawberries and a little honey drizzled on top.

So good! And then, I was in the mood to bake! Am I alone in the baking=comforting? It's not that I'm in the mindset to sit and eat a pan of brownies in secret, far from it. I just want to bake and enjoy something singular, savor the taste and satisfaction with myself of eating one and putting the rest away. Knowing that I can do that and be okay with just one. And that's exactly what I did.

Meet cream cheese brownies (in wedge form because I no longer have a square pan):

I followed a basic cocoa brownie recipe and then found a cream cheese topping recipe and married the two together. I love cocoa brownies, who has chocolate on hand for melting? These were good! I used mostly organic/local ingredients which doesn't make them healthful in abundance, but makes me feel better about the process. I'm also finding that brownies or any dessert for that matter that is bought out of convenience is much less enjoyed yet easier to over eat, why is that? I guess for me, I find pleasure in baking and not over eating. A pleasure that is not emotional eating. Yet, when emotional eating has set in, it's in the form of already made or easy-to-make brownies, that are not good or enjoyed yet eaten in excess in private. Two totally different things. Thoughts?

Today will be yoga, I've been craving yoga. And a trip to the gym. Catching up on work and then heading off to the Artisan market.

We're set to move May 14th and I couldn't be more excited! Our first home! And it's really cute. I think I mentioned before that we will now be "in town" which is in our small town, but there are so many things that we can walk to now: dinner, the grocery store, the library, the farmer's market, concerts etc. I miss that a lot, from living in Brooklyn.  Not to mention the added weight loss bonuses.

I've been going to weight watchers for about a month now and the weight loss hasn't been dramatic, but it has been steadily going down. Still re-losing gained weight, it is weight loss, but it's not the same when you are re-losing. When I get in the 260's I'm having a blog party or at least throwing confetti for myself.

So this is totally unrelated, but I 100% intended on going to BlogHer10 this year and just checked out the website for a ticket and guess what? SOLD OUT. Whaaa? It's April! I really should have jumped on the boat much sooner, I just didn't even consider that. I'm so thick sometimes, really. If anyone reading this needs to get rid of an extra ticket, this girl will gladly take it off of your hands!

I'm in a phase right now where I am doing some things really well and other things really horribly. We will call this the cheers and jeers section. Let's start off with cheers:

Cheers:

• I'm getting things rolling with my jewelry shop a lot lately. I've been updating my shop about twice a month, I have six events that I will be selling at in May and in general I'm having a really good time making jewelry and learning as much as possible about it.
• I've been on Weight Watchers for a month now and I go with co-workers/Josh's mom which makes me accountable. If I was doing this alone it would be really hard for me to stick with it. Did you know I have a hard time sticking with things?
• I had my blood work taken recently and have been catching up with all those necessary evils that involves going to the doctor and checking things out. I found out I have a slow thyroid, which comes to no surprise, but I'm taking thyroid replacements now and should start feeling different in three months.
• I'm getting the mole on my neck removed next week. That is actually really gross to mention. But bless, I hate that mole and I've been self-conscious about it for yeaaarrsss and now I'm sucking up my needle/doctor fear and having it removed along with another one for biopsy. /gross topic (sorry!)
• We're moving! Which means I'm getting rid of stuff I don't need, clearing out and scaling down. I'm so excited to move I can hardly concentrate on anything. What color should we paint the kitchen? Would a neutral couch go best? How will we arrange the bedroom? So. freakin. excited.
• I got a new bike! I spoke with Joan from Supersizedcycles.com on the phone about an opportunity to try out one of her bikes. Two weeks later it's sitting on the front porch. I'm going to be riding a bike again and blogging about the process. I just can't believe it!
• I also get to try out a weeks worth of delivered vegan food from the fine folks at Gobble Green. I can't wait! I actually am excited to try out their all vegan menu and have heard good things about their services. Thanks Gobble Green!
• We're getting back into walking again, I'm running (haha more like fast walking/jogging) a 5k with Krissie (she is running the marathon!) in my old college stomping ground in November and I need to get ready. Last summer I could walk a 5k in 45 minutes, which isn't particularly good, but I know I can get better.

Jeers:

I have not been cooking. This is a weird habit I slipped into after the winter from hell (also know as "we haven't seen snow like this since 93'!!) I don't know what happened, but all regard to eating good food flew out the window. Foods that I normally regard as "not edible" came prancing right into our house, and then once the weather cleared out we just started going out to dinner. A lot. And we live 15 minutes from the nearest restaurant, that is just sad. I need an intervention! I love cooking, I miss cooking. I stare longingly at recipes that I want to cook and so yeah. I need to cook.

I need to exercise more. That's the story of my life, right?

I need to blog more. Oh time management how I long for you. You wouldn't guess from my year long sporadic postings that I do in fact love to blog. I love reading blogs. I love you blog, I do. I just let everything else pile up first. The wedding, last year. Moving this year and everything in between. If you learn nothing else about me: I am not a type A blogger. And we all know who they are. They are on top of emails, comments, twitter and they blog every single day, sometimes twice. Plus they have kids, or manage businesses and exercise and eat right all the time. And here I am, you give me more than 4 things to do at once and I just want to lay on the couch with my blanket. I get tired from just thinking about doing it all.

What are you guys struggling to stay on top of? Am I the only type B in internet land? Who needs breaks, solitude, time to get away?

18 days since my last post! That's really bad considering that my secret Lent goal was to blog daily...but we'll get to the in a minute.

What have I been up to? Well, I turned 27 on the 14th and had my birthday party at the skating rink, which I highly recommend if you still have one in your area. Turns out I'm 10 years too old for  a party at the bowling alley (their words) , but the skating people would have me, see below:

See that smile? That was a very nervous, holding on for dear life smile. For real, skating is scary. It was scary at 6 and a hell of a lot more scary at 27. I'm a chicken through and through, always have been always will be. Turns out, I married a chicken too. His words "life is dangerous enough as it is, why do I want to put wheels on my feet?" touche.

I was all sweaty and rolling around with the help of my sister-in-law and Josh's dad's girlfriend, Toni, who is...70 (71 monday, and an excellent skater), and having her birthday there today because she loved it so much. Skating is great exercise, my legs were sore for a couple of days after...let's see how round two goes. I've got 20 more free passes to use up maybe I'll become a competitive skater. I won't hold my breath.

I had a lovely birthday and felt loved. Which is all I ever really want. My mom and aunt came in town for some dining and shopping and this past weekend my sister came in town for the same thing. Good times!

Remember that house I told you we were in the process of buying? Well, that didn't happen. We got the inspection results which revealed a laundry list of hidden problems; the original roof which needed immediate repair, mold in the basement, and a host of other issues that I'd be lying if I said I understood. So we said "screw that" because we aren't home DIY people at this stage of our lives. Sure, I can paint the walls and cabinets, use a drill, but that's about it. I'm not above learning, it's just too much. This man built the house in '75 and it is exactly that today... a '75 house, green carpet and all.

So then we found another house. Completely remodeled, very cute, close to town (we could walk to the farmer's market, the store, coffee shops, thrift shops etc.), has a side building for josh's studio, not too close to neighbors, considerably more affordable than house number one, yet, it was built on stilts like a beach house. Floyd is not the beach, in fact, we're about 5 hours from the beach. So that makes this house weird. But we like it, dare I say love it. Or strongly like. New hardwood floors, new kitchen, all new appliances, three bedrooms, one and a half bath, little land to maintain, two miles from work, new heat pump on demand, did I mention that we could walk to get coffee?! But it's on stilts. The appraisers are responsible for that part, if it's an issue. So we're in contract again and that seems to be taking up a bit of time and mental space.  Yet we're positive about the whole thing and I know something will work out. If not, we're moving to cali.

What else is new?  I participated in a craft fair in Roanoke yesterday which was kind of a dudd considering the attendance, but nice to get the practice of setting up a table, one of which I shared with my friend/co-worker. It was a really nice time of just hanging out, people watching and eating california rolls. One of my first purchases came from a girl who I saw just last weekend in Roanoke and thought "I love her hair!!" she has this beautiful shade of red hair which is long and thick and layered. My hair is thin and silly, so I had  hair envy. And there she was, buying my jewelry.

See our table?

I thought we did a pretty decent job of mixing our jewelry and laying everything out. The setup and presentation is one of my favorite parts of making jewelry. I love that. See that hand? It's iron and very heavy, I got it at the antique store here in Floyd and love it so much. The birdcage I purchased half off at Michael's, it looks about a hundred years old. The little trees are place markers for weddings, the mirror I got from wal-mart and the crushed velvet fromt he local fabric store.

I've got a few more craft shows coming up this spring/summer. A home show with my mom in april or may (assuming this house stuff settles), a craft fair in may, another in june and august and selling friday nights at the local market. I'm very excited. I'm also taking a metalsmithing class next month, a nice birthday gift from josh's mom.

And one more thing. I think! Are you ready for this? I couldn't help myself!

Weight Watchers came to Floyd! Well, they were already here, but meeting in some obscure place and I never bothered with that. But then I got a postcard in the mail telling me they were moving to the conference room at Hotel Floyd. Which if we moved to 2nd house would be walking distance. I've gone to weight watchers, I don't like counting points really, but I just couldn't turn it down. I am needing more accountability for my weight right now. I'm not into the WW mentality that some have that low calorie/low fat = healthy, but you know what? I don't have to have it, I know better. I just need a place to go where people locally are trying to lose weight too, where I can weigh in and celebrate losses. So I joined on Wednesday and here we go again...

It goes along nicely with the no S plan (no snacks, sweets except for days that start with s and special occassions) and it forces me to write what I eat down which all that ever works for me as far as eating goes. So there's that. I'm not ashamed, just sheepish about the whole thing.

And blogging. Man, I suck at that lately. I have so many product reviews to do, and just things that I want/need to talk about. Just random stuff, and I want to share I just put it off and I want to stop that. I also want to stop feeling guilty for the things I don't do. If I'm going to feel guilty about not doing something then I just need to do it, or get over it. And I just can't get over it.

Maintaining anything is so hard for me, keeping up with emails, keeping up with friends, this blog- sometimes I just let it all go and weeks later I find myself missing it all so much. So here I am. I can't promise I'll never go away again, but I'm trying to balance it all. Balance, it's such a lofty goal sometimes. But know that I'm here because I want to be and that I am so grateful to those who read this and comment and email. You're lovely.

Sweaty and sore pretty much sum it up. We just finished day two of the Insanity workout and guess what? It was insane. We actually got into the workout today and it was by far the hardest workout I've ever done. Ever. In my whole life. It was like Biggest Loser contestant hard. Grunting included.

For serious. I loved it though. How is it possible to enjoy something that is so hard? For starters when I couldn't do an exercise like say jumping push ups, I modified it and pushed myself. The 45 minutes went by quickly and while the exercises were hard I liked not having to memorize steps. The warm-up was just as hard, if not harder than the actual workout.

Check out my GoWear Fit results:

See that huge spike around 7pm? That was Insanity, I was burning up to 14 calories per minute. I can only imagine what my body is going to feel like tomorrow.

Oh! I (we) got new workout shoes...this is funny to me, but we got his and her's nike air span + 7 running shoes:

I'm still following the "S" plan (no snacks, sweets or seconds except for days that begin with S or special occasions) and it really has cut out a lot of excess eating. I did allow myself to have moderate seconds as lunch today to make up for not having breakfast, but I'm really pleased with how I feel on this plan.

I've moved my weight loss goal up to April to coincide with our trip to Vegas on the first, I really want to be at 265 by then! What goals are you working on?

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend! I know this holiday is bitter sweet for a lot of people, but I have to say even when single, I've always loved this time of year.

Last week was so quick for me, and still seems like a blur. We had so much wind last week that it pushed all of our snow back into the roads making it almost impossible to travel to work. Wednesday night I didn't make it home at all. And today I'm contemplating a grocery trip before the next wave of snow comes in. It's hard to buy produce in the winter because you can't stock up without it going bad.

This is totally unrelated, but I've gotten a lot of emails about my GoWear Fit armband and I want to do a big Q and A post tomorrow for it. One of them involves expanding the armband which I did to mine and will show you how to do (it was very easy!). If you have any questions at all feel free to email them to me or leave a comment and I will get to each one of them!

Okay, the "No S" diet... After my last post about the S diet a very easy plan that I found while reading Food Rules by Michael Pollan. The website explains everything in more detail, but basically the plan is this: no snacks, seconds or sweets except for days that begin with S or special occasions.

It seemed really easy as I never pegged myself as a "snacker" even though as the week progressed I realized that all of my in between eats are considered snacks. I never realized how much I eat outside of a meal. I found myself wanting to eat when things were stressful. When I didn't want to deal with emotions. I didn't worry so much about what I was eating as long as it could fit on a reasonable sized plate, wasn't a sweet and I wasn't eating seconds or between meals.

This is what I found:

1. I have strong desires to mindlessly eat when I'm stressed out or have anxiety.

2. I was able to curb cravings and quell my desire to overeat with the knowledge that I could pick whatever I want for my next meal. For some reason, knowing that I could eat whatever i wanted (as long as it fit on a plate, didn't overeat, or go back for seconds) for my next meal helped me tremendously.

3. This plan prevented me from secret eating.  It wasn't an option to go to the store and buy sweets and eat them secretly, so I didn't do it. Knowing that I was going to have special occasion treats on the weekend, ended all thoughts of overeating or finding a way to have something sweet.

4. I lost 2lbs. Which is showing back up on the scale this morning as a gain from my weekend treat eating, but I know that it is water, and it will balance out as losses over time. This isn't unusual for me. I also know that:

5. I only exercised once this week, which on the s diet is recommended and required daily. I need to do this, no excuses.

6. No day was ruined. I remember on Tuesday morning specifically where my mind was going back to old habits. We had some leftover baguette (locally made) , organic pepperoni (yes, i know that organic does not give me license to eat it in excess) and mozzarella. That is what I wanted to eat and I thought "oh I can't have that right now" and then I thought "well I can always start over tomorrow" . But guess what? that is how I always think! So I realized that I could have the baguette with two slices of pepperoni and the cheese for breakfast as a meal.

7. I ate real food, majority of the time except for Thursday morning. I'm looking at you Hardee's morning biscuit run. That was gross. I hate fast food.

That's all I've got for now, but send your GoWear fit questions my way!

Hi! If you're living in the northeast right now I'll imagine that you're either crazily digging yourself out for work or still in your pj's when you read this. Hopefully like me, you're the latter. I should turn this into the Virginia Snow of 2010 blog because I just can't stop talking about it! We are expecting MORE snow tomorrow and even more this weekend. What's that?

I can sense spring is coming, far off in the distance. I have a weird habit of being able to smell and sense the coming seasons and then craving them. I do this a lot with fall and now I can feel spring. It's coming. Maybe not till May, but it's coming!

I'm hoping that Michael Pollan's new book Food Rules arrives in the mail today (along with season 3,4,5,6 of Lost) so that I can get ready for Lent! Fatbridesmaid got me in the mood to participate in Lent this year. What am I giving up? Processed/convenience foods. This means, buying food without packaging and labels. Making my own bread, eating only local or organic meat/produce/dairy. Basically making everything from scratch. And only eating sweats if they are made by a real person (not in a factory), on the weekends or on special occasions.

Which leads me to the No S Diet. That sounds gimmicky. While reading the reviews of Food Rules on Amazon, I saw mention of something called the No S Diet which piqued my curiosity. After a quick google search I came to the official No S Diet website. And holy moly, I loved every word! This couldn't be more anti-diet, dieting if it tried.

I read and reread, I emailed, I read the discussion boards and thought "I'll try that!" because you know me, I'll pretty much try anything once. What is the no S diet? Easy...

No sweets

No Snacks

No Seconds

Except for days that start with S or special occasions.

I had a lot of questions at first like- how big should my plate be? What should be on my plate? And then I realized that my brain was asking all of the confusing yet obviously answerable questons from my dieting past.

No sweets. What does that mean? Anything that gets most of it's calories from sugar. Anything that is obviously dessert. This doesn't mean NO SUGAR it means...no desserts. Sugar in oatmeal, coffee etc. is fine. Save desserts for the weekend or special occasion and preferably ones that are not processed.

No snacks. This means eating three meals a day. When I first read this I thought "well I don't snack". And then I really thought about it and yes, indeed I do snack. I just never think of it as snacking. A snack is anything you eat outside of a meal.

No seconds. Eat what is on your plate and that's it. He mentioned at first people tend to put way too much on their plate or too little until they realize that A) this meal needs to tide me over until the next one and B) this meal is not for stuffing myself. If you think about eating in front of other people and putting all of the food on your plate the first time, chances are you would realize this is a lot of food. But, instead we go back and it looks like less for to us and everyone else.

There are no other rules. No food rules, no nutrtion rules, no counting calories. I think this is scary for people (myself included) we like structure, we like being told what is "bad" and "good". We are scared to trust ourselves, our hunger or knowing what we even want to eat. Do any of us really know what we like to eat anymore?

My favorite quotes from the website?

make you sick.

Most diets today can be divided into two categories:

1. Pseudoscientific forbidden foods diets that pretend that you can go on being a glutton as long as you confine your gluttony to a particular class of foods while completely excluding others (no agreement on what these particular kinds of foods are, of course).
2. Diets that require you to be a full time calorie accountant.

The forbidden foods diets are patent nonsense. They contradict one another, go in and out of fashion every ten years, and never seem to gather any serious scientific support. You won't stick with one of these because not being able to eat whole categories of food is a real drag. At the outset, it might seem worth it to trade pasta for unlimited steaks (or vice versa), but it gets old fast. And it might even

not any delicious thing. No pleasure is denied, just unobtrusively delayed and contained. Served up on the platter of limited opportunity, each pleasure becomes even more enjoyable than it was before.

Because it is simple, sustainable, and you aren't really depriving yourself of anything. You don't have to sacrifice anything -- not time, not health, not

There are no magic potions and there are no poisons. You are targeting just the culprit, just the bad habit of overeating itself.

Ask yourself if you can imagine staying on a particular diet for the rest of your life. If not, don't bother starting, it's a waste of time and will.

It's not the carrots, it's the carrot cake (etc.). More to the point, it's youeating so damn much of the carrot cake. People refuse to look at the obvious suspects because the implications are so unflattering to themselves -- that they simply eat too much and that there is no "stab in the back" substance to blame. The forbidden food diets pander to this suicidal vanity. They are not just harmless (if unmaintainable) games. They are dangerous distractions. They are blinkers. They keep you from seeing and confronting the real problem. This isn't "murder she wrote." It's not the mousy schoolmarm whom no one suspected who winds up having "dunnit." It's a brazen attack in broad daylight. Take a look in the mirror. The guilty party is staring right at you.

That said, I find that having a limited number of limited quantity meals makes me take them more seriously, both from a gastronomic and a nutritional point of view. Pretty much every meal I eat is delicious or healthy or both.

The no S diet isn't for overthinking, and he suggests taking 21 days to get accustom to eating this way. I like that this plan eliminates everything that makes me obese. The option to overeat.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not fat from the meals I choose to eat. I'm not fat from a nice plate of really delicious food. I'm fat because I eat too many seconds. I'm fat from eating too much in private (snacking) and I'm fat from too many calorie dense sweets.

I'm giving it a try! I have a really hard time tracking what I eat and posting it, mostly because I'm lazy, and I won't require that I do this unless I want to. I do know that this helps me to stay accountable, but also know that I sometimes get drained from dieting advice. Either way, I'll keep you posted!

Oh and this is coming in the mail too...more on that later.

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I haven't forgotten!

Two pounds away from my monthly goal! I started at 290 on January 1st and now I'm back down to a more familiar weight pre-holiday 2009. I'm looking forward to a new weight for this blog in the spring. 250's will be new.

I cannot believe this month is already over! Where did it go? That's what you say when you get old "where did the time go?".  I'm looking back on the past month and see changes that I put into action. One of them is going to the store alone and not buying "trigger" foods. Items that I tend to overeat or eat when no one is around. I've been here before, I've been to the store many times and sticking with what I needed and leaving. It became a habit, that I allowed. And it is a habit that can be undone. It is our choice.

Another thing that I will note is keeping a constant reminder of my goals handy. I bought a large moleskin with blank pages for writing in. On the first page you will find a  list of my goals, on the following pages you will find to-do lists, weekly goals and little reminders. I found that working in this book daily reminded me of my goals instead of forgetting where I wanted to be.

I also realized that I needed to take personal responsibility for myself. It is so EASY to fall back, to sabotage, to forget and ignore my body. But, I found with gentle reminders I was able to stay on track most of the time. I confirmed that I will be healthy this year.

I want to do better in February. One with exercise and two with more planning and organization with my food. I am as anti-schedule as they get, but I found that having food ready to prepare, having the dishes cleaned helped me to stick with my cooking at home plans. I want to get better at that.

My goal for March 1st is 270.

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Remember the jewelry I showed you last week? Well, I finally got around to taking photographs and posting them in my shop!

You can find my jewelry  here.

If I gained nothing else from my last entry it is: I am not alone. Not even close. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your voice along with mine. I've done a lot of thinking, gathering, and contemplating since I wrote that and a little bit of much needed crying. I realized what I already know: I choose my direction.

Gaining weight can be a slippery slope and I don't have to go down that path. I felt for the first time true sorrow for what I am choosing to do to myself. When I watch the biggest loser and see the contestants crying about what they have done to their bodies and the toll it takes on their loved ones. I never got it. I just saw it as "this is my own issue and it's not that big of a deal", but then I realized that 290 could easily become 300. And 300 could easily become 320 and then 350 and then 400. Eating my life away. Is this really what I want for myself? My future? My husband and our life?

No. And I cried, because I was choosing that for myself. I was choosing a half-life. I was choosing insecurities over confidence. Fear over health.  To be comfortable rather than just dealing with life. And for what? Temporary satisfaction or the soothing tone of excess?

I was going through emails recently, some dating back to March of 2009. One caught my attention, it was from Tyler Weeks. The same Tyler from 344pounds.com which coincidentally came right at the same time of his CNN Health article. Tyler has lost 125 lbs. over the past year and is very close to his 150lb loss goal.

I emailed him and asked him for an interview and he accepted, I will post that in the coming days, but first I want to share with you how he has inspired me in the days since my last post.

When I came across his CNN interview and started reading his archives and regular blog posts there were several quotes of his that really stood out to me. Some of them hit me with a ton of bricks.

"If someone had told me in January that I had to stop cold turkey and eat salads, grilled chicken ... all day long, I wouldn't have lost this weight or gradually progressed into a healthier lifestyle."

on motivation:

"But I respect you more than that — you already know why you want to lose weight.  You know what’s at stake if you don’t lose weight and you know you’ll be reward with a happy, healthy life that you’ve always wanted.

Motivation is so overrated.

You just need to decide to earn your new life.  Nobody is going to give it to you.  Motivation is so overrated — it’s not a requisite for losing weight or obtaining your goals.  I’ll say that again:  you don’t need motivation to lose weight.  You don’t feel like going to the gym tonight?  Tired, have a headache?  Tough.  I slept about 6 hours last night and will end up working 10 hours today, getting off around 5 and coming home to cook dinner for the wife.  After an hour or two of quality time (cooking, cleaning), I’ll leave my warm, cozy house and family behind to go to the gym and leave my heart on the floor.  Around 9, I’ll come back home to find my daughter already asleep and my wife soon thereafter."

What I like about Tyler's approach to weight loss is that he keeps it simple: Calories in vs. calories out. If you've been around for any length of time you will know that I've gone on a few restrictive diets. Always in the back of my mind I know that when I'm in a "binge eating" spell it's as a result of being too restrictive. This isn't an excuse, just a pattern I've noticed over the years. I feel that there is a need to find a way to eat as to prevent "last meals" or the "I'll diet tomorrow mentality".  Tyler has connected the two which has resulted in his success. There isn't a start day for eating diet food and "bad days" for overeating "bad" foods, which for me is the result of an endless cycle. Feast of Famine.

What if all days we allowed ourselves to eat what we want in moderation. To keep trigger foods out of the house, but to actually enjoy the food we are eating on a daily basis. If you look at Tyler's meal plans many would argue (and do) that he isn't eating enough "health food" or would claim that he could be eating more food in his day if he was eating less calorie laden/fatty foods. I think over time, Tyler has and will become more accustom to eating foods that are higher in nutritional value vs. foods with higher caloric value with low nutrition naturally.

His plan worked for his lifestyle. 1) he eats out a lot 2) he likes "man food" or "bar food" style meals so instead of cutting them out cold turkey he just eats less, counts the calories and exercises. Which makes sense for a lot of us.

I make no excuses for the fact that I love food. This quote by Julia Child sums it up:

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook”

 

I love good food, I love recipes, good cooking, ethnic foods , you name it. I actually love to grocery shop. And I just cannot for the life of me get on board with eating "diet" food. The notion that some foods are bad and others are not. I've covered this topic many times and continue to come back to this same point. How to make both worlds exist. Eating good food in moderation. Eliminating the idea that "diet" anything is the key to weight loss and stop feeling bad for wanting to enjoy food for what it is and should be: delicious nourishment

I hate rules and will always, no matter what, will rebel. But something has to give. What is the payoff for living a healthier life while enjoying food? Keeping track of what I eat, moderation, keeping foods that I tend to overeat out of my house or office space, only eat dessert if it is (strictly) made from scratch with good ingredients and to exercise a lot.

With that said, Tyler has given me hope that I too can lose 125lbs with dedication and direction rather than restriction and struggle.

 Binge eating is a habit that I allow myself to (on occasion) subscribe to. I've had many months where I never bought anything from the store that I didn't need and never ate secretly in my car. And I was fine with it. And I've had others where that was not at all the case. But, it is always a choice. Just because the cookies, cakes, frozen pizza and ice cream are there does not mean I always have to have them around. And it doesn't mean I can't enjoy them on occasion.

What am I feeding when I overeat?

I've decided to make my daily food and exercise choices more prevalent on my front page. I can't guarantee I will always take photos of what I eat, but I am doing my best to keep it public. I have a little notebook that I carry with me to write what I eat in. I've done this before and it's really helpful. This is a sacrifice, for right now, I need to make and dedicate myself to. Recording what I eat and exercise.

I know that this opens me up to many comments that have irked me in the past. I know my best interest is always at hand, but I'm no dummy, I know what foods are best to eat. I know about real food, local food, moderation, protein, fiber, carbs. Trust me, by now. I know. I just need to be able to use this space to honestly share my journey without judgement regarding what I should or should not be eating. My goal isn't  perfection. This isn't a raw food, vegan or nutrition blog. They exist and I have a few I highly recommend if you're interested.

I know that the 400 calories I ate in mashed potatoes yesterday is not "diet food" or a wise choice. But, I wrote it down and was accountable for it. I adjusted my calories for it and exercised. Or I could have felt guilty and overate that rest of the day, but I didn't.  I could have had a more filling meal of eggs or whole grains. Some days will be better than others. Some days I will have lower calories and others will be higher. Some days I will want more food than others and other days I may just want to eat pizza and the next spinach salads. I'm okay with this.

Tuesday January 12th 2010:

1+1/2 C mashed potatoes w/ 1 slice Colby : 400 calories

1/2 C roasted sunflower seeds- 180

2 ladles potato soup (made by coworker) + 6 wheat thin flat bread crackers + a very small serving of cheese+ salad with a touch of cream of cucumber dressing: 670 calories

2 clementines: about 100 calories

1 Tbs. chia goodness: 55 calories

veggie pizza from subway without extra cheese (they put this on as default)- 430 calories

bowl of chili: 340 calories

Total calories: 2,175

Exercise: 30 minutes of strength training

Note from day one:

I've been here before. I've had what seems like a hundred of "start days". What will make this particular journey different from the last? Daily reminders of where I want to be, planning and organization. The quote from above describes exactly where I've been many times before: looking for the right situation to lose weight. The right diet, the right circumstance, the right season, but I know there will never be a perfect day, time, or weight loss plan to lose weight.

I got on my Smooth Fitness Elliptical machine yesterday (graciously given to me by the company) for the first time in a couple of months. I've moved the machine into my home office/creative space and planted it in the direction of my monitor screen. I climbed on, started playing The Office on hulu.com (why am I so late with this one?) and started moving.

Five minutes in I felt like Bridget Jones in her famous stationary bike scene. But before I knew it I was sweating and laughing as Pam tried to hook Oscar up with the new warehouse guy over Pate'. I wrote down what I ate, which is something I'm aiming to stick with. It's a good habit for me to get in, not only to keep track of portions, but for record keeping. It's fun for me to look back and remember meals I had over the course of time, which triggers memories and helps me to remember meals that I can make again when I get bored or stuck.

There are sacrifices to losing weight, but I don't have to kill myself in the process. I've been known to set up crazy obstacles for myself that are simply not obtainable long-term. You can find my food and exercise log at the top of my website or here.