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I have a big post in the works titled "Why It's Personal" and all the things I've been learning and experiencing in the past couple of weeks since reading Brain Over Binge. I will also explain some of the methods I'm implementing and my goals.

February is looking good! This month I'm working on a Spring Wear it Well e-course to come out March 5th. I've got six new models of all size ranges and styles lined up to be featured in the book, plus 175+ pages of information that can actually be applied to your closet as-is. This is most exciting to me, sometimes I feel like magazines only feature clothes that are not very wearable or way too expensive. My goal is to provide real-life solutions for wearing and transforming what we already have and new ways to go shopping.

I make vegetable kung pao with peanuts at least once a week. Josh loves it, I love it, and it's quick and easy to make. I'm pretty sure I could make it with my eyes closed. I sauté two or three cups of celery and one chopped onion in 1-2 T sesame or olive oil. Cook until tender. I add fresh or powdered garlic, white pepper, a few pepper flakes, and one or two shakes of chinese five spice. Then I add about 2 T soy sauce, 2 T rice vinegar, 2 t sugar or honey, a shake of cornstarch and then 1/2 - 1 C. chicken of vegetable stock. Add more soy sauce or garlic to taste and about a cup of salted peanuts. Top off with chili sauce and serve with basmati rice.

Before dinner I did 40 minutes of Insanity and I swear during the whole thing I had Bob in my head yelling at me to work harder. I think it's because of Gail. And you know what? I worked harder! Thanks Bob (and Gail.)

I pulled this graphic from the Blog of Impossible Things (one of my favorites!)

This message resonates with me especially on days when my journey or path isn't clear. I'm finding that my biggest obstacle in life is me, and being too much in my head. I can talk myself out of anything.

I recognize the feeling as discomfort. The same feeling I have when I resist the urge to eat more. It's the same one that tells me not to act, not to participate, and not to make goals and dreams a reality. It can be small from putting off doing the dishes until tomorrow, or not flossing before bed, to not balancing my income and budget. It's the slight twinge that pulls me back.

And so often I  have to stop thinking and just do. Getting out of my head is the best medicine for me. Sometimes I'm so afraid that acting without thought will be the mistake, but inaction is often even worse.

How are you getting out of your head today?

Figuring out what I want is key. Any time that familiar voice tells me "Well you could eat a pint of ice cream. No one would know. You could just start over tomorrow. You deserve it." I have a back up plan, and that plan is my mission. My mission is to do what is good for me, not what I think I deserve momentarily.

Binge eating takes me away from my mission. My mission is to be the best version of myself every day. To be present and engaged, to create, to be good to myself and my husband, to be good to others, to spread and share creativity and hope.

When I eat too much I can't participate. I can't be there for myself or anyone else. I have no energy, no hope, and no will to create or follow through with my mission. Food in excess robs me of time and I'm a firm believer that time is the most precious thing we have. How I spend that time is crucial. Not seeking perfection, but giving myself the best possible chance.

The struggle these past couple of weeks is knowing the difference between binge eating and frequent vs. occasional overeating. And being okay with this part of the journey which has not been completely effortless. But, I trust it eventually will be.

When I'm challenged I do two things. One, I realize that my desire to eat too much is just that, a desire. Acting on that desire means nothing more than getting out of the discomfort of having the urge. I don't force it away, I just sit with it. I also remind myself of my mission and the decision becomes more clear. Binge eating (or even frequent overeating) is not apart of my mission and the bigger picture of what I want for myself.

Do you have a mission?

(I made lemon and raspberry jam pancakes this weekend! Check out my other blog, Beautiful Layers, for the easy recipe.)

This week I'm adding a little more structure to my weight loss efforts. I feel like I'm getting the hang of my new, no-binge eating habits and now I'm ready to add exercise and a weekly weigh-in.

This week my goal is to do four hours of cardio and one hour of strength. On Friday's I will post my exercise tally and on Sunday's I will do a weigh in. I feel good about this.

I also want to start adding outfit posts on a regular basis. I want to do this to push myself to get dressed on busy at home days, and also to track my weight loss through photos.

So there's that! How was your weekend? Things were pretty quiet around here. Lots of cooking and working on projects.

That sounds like the lyrics to a church hymn, but you know what I'm finding out? When I'm listening and engaging my higher self, the world seems brighter and everything is more clear. Food is not fear, it is love and so much more enjoyable when I'm not eating it in excess. I've been cooking and baking up a storm, which is obvious from the looks of my kitchen, and I truly love it more than I ever have. And not only that, but I'm excited about life in a way that I never have been. I drank the kool-aid guys.

When I listen and follow what  I need and want in my life, I wake up clear and excited for the day. It feels like opening the windows on the first day of spring. Is anyone else experiencing this after reading Brain Over Binge? I'd love to hear about it.

Lately, I have the energy to do make things happen. Things that I normally get so overwhelmed with and just put on the back burner. One of my dreams has been to create and maintain a creative living blog, so I've been polishing off my Beautiful Layers blog these past couple of days. It's hard to believe I've had that domain for seven years, and this one for six. What the what?

Other stuff that's happening? I'm seriously thinking about returning to University to finish my degree in fine arts/ graphic design. After watching my bff Jas graduate with honors, I was seriously encouraged and inspired to finish my degree. I feel like I am in a different place now than I was when I first when to college. I also feel like I'm more capable of learning and studying new information without the whole rebellious streak. We'll see.

Today I'm getting back into exercising after taking a week off due to a wonky back, which is now on the mend.

Tomorrow makes one week since I started reading and implementing the tools of Brain Over Binge.  In that week I've come to realize a few things that are helping this process:

1) Not every urge or feeling means something. I used to believe that all of my urges and feelings were me, that by not acting on them I was somehow denying myself and being unauthentic to who I am. And on some small level, I already got this. Denying every feeling is uncomfortable and often the only thing I'm fighting is the feeling or urge in and of itself, not the actual thought or feeling.

Here's an example: Sometimes I over think situations and my relationships with people. Often I find myself truly not understanding the motives of a person and examining them. I mull over every detail  in frustration until I feel nauseous and agitated. This is especially true when I believe their actions are wrong, hurting me or themselves. These thoughts take over my mind and I gave them freedom to take over. I do this so often that is became comfortable and familiar, like a bad habit. Like eating 10 cookies. But now, I'm acknowledging that sometimes I just default and it doesn't mean anything about me or the other person. Not every thing needs attention, examining, or confronting. Sometimes I just need to achnowledge the feeling and move on.

This is the same with the urge to eat more. Those urges are not me, but sometimes it's confusing to know the difference because I've learned to give weight to them in my own, evolved voice that reasons and sides with the urges.

This is what they sound like: You already ate that cookie, you might as well eat all of them and start over tomorrow. Your breakfast wasn't perfect you might as well eat everything you want for the rest of the day. You've been so good these past few days, you can slack off today. You didn't lose any weight today, might as well throw in the towel and get serious tomorrow. 

2) I do not need the scale right now. It's true, eating less usually results in weight loss, but not always and not every single day. Logically I understand this. I know that a few days before my period I hold on to water. I know that exercise makes me hold on to water as well. I know that salty foods make me hold on to water. I don't want to use the scale as an excuse or motivator right now. So today, I'm taking it out of the bathroom.

3) Finding my voice. One of the biggest challenges right now is finding my higher voice and listening to it. My higher voice is logical and doesn't want to binge. It doesn't want to keep eating or make myself sick. It wants me to succeed and move forward and grow. But sometimes it tries to justify and encourage my urges and feelings that aren't me, my animal voice. It's helpful for me to have a clear idea of what I do want on a very basic level so that I can easily access this information. It's also helpful to have it written down and handy. Sometimes I can honestly convince myself that I want to binge, that it's who I am, but I know better.

4) Knowing the difference between overeating (or eating too much) and binge eating. This one is very personal and looks different for everyone. This topic is covered a lot in Brain Over Binge. People who do not have any sort of binge eating disorder, eat too much on occasion. Having a second cookie, another slice of pizza, or seconds is not binge eating. Sometimes I simply eat more than what I need and that's all it is.  To me, at it's heart, binge eating is eating that is in excess. If it interrupts my life or causes me to be unhealthy, it is binge eating. I have never eaten as much in one sitting as the author of Brain Over Binge, but that doesn't mean that my excess or binge eating hasn't caused health issues  like obesity or disrupted my life by over taking my thoughts and actions.

4) Practice makes semi-perfect. Changing my mindset is taking work. It's taking practice and meditation. It's not always a huge struggle because I'm not fighting my urges, I'm just sitting with them, but it's still new to me. I still fear that I can't do this or that I'm fooling myself. I still hear the words of therapy and self-help books ringing in my ears that I need to fix my life or find fulfillment or get over depression or find self-esteem. Everday isn't perfect, and I'm becoming okay with that. I'm just riding it out. It's been helpful to create mantras of self-talk written down and handy. It's also helpful knowing that my urges cannot access my movement and that I always have the choice to binge or not. It's totally up to me. I know that it isn't going to be easy at first, and I'm prepared for ups and downs, but I know it doesn't have the be the biggest struggle in my life.

I never thought, in a million years, that a book would help me to stop overeating or binge eating, but it never stopped me from buying them. I read many thousands of words telling me that I was an emotional eater, a stress eater, an addict, disordered and diseased. I read many more thousands of words telling me that I had deep seated issues and until I resolved them I would never stop eating too much. And I read even more thousands of words telling me to cut out flour, sugar, salt, potatoes, honey, red meat, beans, to count calories, to cut carbs, to calculate points, or to cut the fat. I was told moderation and lifestyle change more times than I care to say. Two words that I never truly got. I spent many weeks at the University counselor trying to figure out why I just couldn't stop eating. Her only solution was that I was depressed and needed the medication I never took.

And then Beth came along and left this comment:

Hello! First time commenter!

I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this book, or if you have read it. Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen.

I’ve been a binge eater most of my adult life, and after reading this book, I stopped. I’m not sure how or why, but I did. Dieting and restricting causes bingeing, that I know.

Take care & good luck to you in the new year!

I immediately logged into Amazon to read the reviews. Within five minutes I was already into the first chapter on my Kindle. I couldn't wait to buy the book, I was ready to dive in. The words used to describe the book mention bulimia, a disorder that I've never had. So I want to say first, that if you've struggled with any form of eating to the excess, please consider reading this book. Whatever you call it, overeating, binge eating, bulimia, etc., if you suffer for the urge to eat beyond being full, if you've had many moments of being able to consume large amounts of food and want to stop right now- this book is for you.

Every journey is personal and individual, binge eating is not black and white. As I read Kathryn's words, a women who has never been obese or even overweight I can honestly say I've never eaten to the excess that she describes in Brain Over Binge. I've also never exercised for hours on end to burn the calories I've consumed. This is her form of purging and why she calls herself bulimic.

I'm obese, and it's not because of moderate or "normal" eating. It never has been, obviously. I've been thinking about my weight since I was eight years old and dieting for so long  that I've never really known what normal eating looks or feels like.

I've had glimmers of hope, mainly with intuitive eating, but my urges to eat more always took over. I've been saying tomorrow I'll be better for so long, it's become my default response when life gets in the way.

Since reading Brain Over Binge, I've debated how I'd approach presenting this information on my blog. And after much debate I decided that I could only best explain how I've changed as a result. The book is too in depth and I fear I would do Kathryn and her research much disservice to explain it in any other way. You can read more about her and purchase the book on her website here: Brain Over Binge.

I would love to discuss this book more in depth with those that have read the book or plan to read the book and would like to open my comments up for discussion.

**I was in no way compensated for my opinion. I've linked directly to Kathryn's site, not Amazon, for those interested in purchasing it.**

Thursday morning after reading the first few pages of Brain Over Binge  I wanted to eat a biscuit. I rarely eat fast food biscuits, but this morning all I wanted to do was eat while reading a book about eating. Hello, irony.

Normally, a day that starts with a 900 calorie biscuit meal doesn't end well. Because I wasn't "perfect" at breakfast I would normally use that as an excuse to eat what I wanted for the rest of the day and start over tomorrow.

But something changed in those next three hours. I learned that I am not all of the horrible things I always believed I was because of my binge eating. I learned that I am not an emotional eater or addicted to sugar like I always thought. Over time my brain has formed neurological pathways that give me the urge to binge. These urges are so strong that I often cannot concentrate until I alleviate the discomfort of the urge. The pathways were formed first by dieting and then by habit. So now my body believes it needs to binge in order to survive and cope. But, these urges are not me. Logically, I know better. I am not overeating because I have depression, low self-esteem, trauma or an imperfect life, I binge because my body become accustom to it. I learned that when I changed my career, hair, or bought something new, I was trying to change my life. I was trying to fulfill and fill ever corner of my life with events and stuff in a desperate attempt to recover.

I believed that somehow, changing any part of my life would make me complete so that I could stop overeating once and for all. I've searched in vain for over ten years for anything to make me whole. To fix me. To dull the desire to keep eating. I believed that I just hadn't found the right program to tell me how to be better. The right experience, job, relationship, or outfit. I believed that I had to turn my life upside down to make real changes. That I had to stop cooking or baking, or eating out. That I'd have to give up every food that I ever binged, to stop slowly killing myself and to gain control once and for all. On some level, I already knew all of this, I just couldn't believe it was that easy.

After those three hours of reading I said to Josh "I finally get it". And then I started to sob, mostly because I felt like three thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. All I could say was "There's nothing wrong with me! Why didn't anyone ever tell me?! I'm not crazy, lazy, stupid, diseased or suffering.".

And Thursday, for the first time in my life I learned how to almost effortlessly calm myself and take control. In just a few hours my day had turned around. It wasn't perfect, I hadn't solved my life's problems- I just ate and moved on. I felt normal. Instead of stuffing or fighting my urges to eat, I just sat with them and reminded myself that those thoughts are not me. The urges come from years of dieting and habit. I do not have to fight these urges or feel guilty about them. I just sit with the feelings, acknowledge them, remind myself that they are not my higher, more logical self, and it passes. Deep down, I've never wanted to binge and I know logically know this. I know what healthful eating looks like.

Friday I played with fire. I made cookies. I ate two and put the rest away. And these weren't just any cookie. They were amazing. I made a lovely dinner of salad and lentil soup. Nourishing and healthful food that I truly craved and then had two cookies and moved on. Even as I type this, there is a bowl of cookies on the counter and that all too familiar voice to eat all of them and start over tomorrow, is dull. It's almost nonexistent. And for that, I am grateful.

I realize that this post is full of hyperbole, as is my fashion when I get excited about something, but I can honestly say to you that I will never binge again. I will never hide or sneak food. Eat in the car or give myself the promises of tomorrow. And as they say, the proof is in the pudding, I so look forward to sharing this journey with you.

Old habits die hard. I'm hearing this a lot, as well as replacing old habits with new habits. And finding it difficult to identify these bad habits is a process in and of itself. Sometimes I don't even know it's a habit, or that it's keeping me from my goals.

A couple of days ago I went through the house and threw out food that could cause me to binge. I went through this whole mental process of thinking this is wasteful, I can handle small amounts, and is this really bad to have around? It's hard for throw away perfectly good "food", but I did anyway and I have another round to go. I have boxes of graham cracks leftover from gingerbread house building, and right now they aren't tempting- I could care less about graham crackers, but I worry about what they could turn into. So I will give them away.

And now I'm thinking of tackling my sugar/brown sugar and flour reserves. I cook occasionally with sugar, but I know I can use honey instead. Not much can be done (of the overeating variety, for me) without sugar, so I will keep the flour. I'm actually having these thoughts, what could I easily turn into a dessert? If this can be a dessert, it should go. This is the thing with being able to bake, you can do it quickly and easily without much on hand.

Old habits for me, are thinking "I can handle this", and in the moment I can, but eventually something will pop up and I'll find myself making brownies in the microwave and wondering how that even happened. Steps A to B to eating are a blur to me and I'm left with brownie residue in a mug trying very hard to wash away the evidence.

I'm asking myself, how can I  replace these habits and old ways of thinking? It's a challenge, it's hard to question a behavior you've worked hard at protecting.

What habits are you trying to throw away?

This month I'm participating in FloCoIMo which is Floyd's (and beyond) alternative to NanoWrimo. My idea first was to create an art journal, but after the first day of the year that seemed like too much work for me right now. I imagine I'd sit around the last week of the year hurridly putting something together, just because. And so I went back to my original idea, which someone told me would be too much, but that's me, I'm doing it any way. 31 recipes in January.

So far I've made five and I actually want to do it, I look forward to each recipe. It goes along nicely with my resolution to cook more and I'm trying out new recipes that I've been saving up for way too long.

Yesterday morning for brunch I had another tandoori chicken burger served on naan. Recipes one and two of the month. I just love this recipe.

For dinner I made Black Bean and Sweet Potato Enchilada Casserole. I was scared that I wouldn't like the mushy texture of the sweet potatoes in this, but I did. This recipe was a success, Josh said "I think this is even better than I think it is" as he is now battling the same sickness I had over the weekend. It was very good. Savory, spicy (but not too hot) and comforting.

I made a few minor changes to the recipe, which you can find here. I used kidney beans instead of black because my black beans were not done soaking. I used tomatoes with green chilis in the sweet potato mixture instead of just chilis. I added red onions to the layers. I didn't use cream cheese. I used cheddar cheese instead and on top. I used beef broth instead of chili when making the green chili sauce, only because that's what I had on hand. I served with avocados sprinkled with sea salt. I also made more sweet potatoes than that recipe suggests so I could put it in a bigger pan and make six servings. This will definitely be made again.

My fifth recipe is Five Ingredient Granola. I used pecans, oatmeal, chocolate chips, peanut butter, sea salt, honey+corn syrup.

These were good, but way too sweet, especially post Christmas. Next time I would use dried cranberries, more nuts and all honey.