If I gained nothing else from my last entry it is: I am not alone. Not even close. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your voice along with mine. I've done a lot of thinking, gathering, and contemplating since I wrote that and a little bit of much needed crying. I realized what I already know: I choose my direction.
Gaining weight can be a slippery slope and I don't have to go down that path. I felt for the first time true sorrow for what I am choosing to do to myself. When I watch the biggest loser and see the contestants crying about what they have done to their bodies and the toll it takes on their loved ones. I never got it. I just saw it as "this is my own issue and it's not that big of a deal", but then I realized that 290 could easily become 300. And 300 could easily become 320 and then 350 and then 400. Eating my life away. Is this really what I want for myself? My future? My husband and our life?
No. And I cried, because I was choosing that for myself. I was choosing a half-life. I was choosing insecurities over confidence. Fear over health. To be comfortable rather than just dealing with life. And for what? Temporary satisfaction or the soothing tone of excess?
I was going through emails recently, some dating back to March of 2009. One caught my attention, it was from Tyler Weeks. The same Tyler from 344pounds.com which coincidentally came right at the same time of his CNN Health article. Tyler has lost 125 lbs. over the past year and is very close to his 150lb loss goal.
I emailed him and asked him for an interview and he accepted, I will post that in the coming days, but first I want to share with you how he has inspired me in the days since my last post.
When I came across his CNN interview and started reading his archives and regular blog posts there were several quotes of his that really stood out to me. Some of them hit me with a ton of bricks.
"If someone had told me in January that I had to stop cold turkey and eat salads, grilled chicken ... all day long, I wouldn't have lost this weight or gradually progressed into a healthier lifestyle."
on motivation:
"But I respect you more than that — you already know why you want to lose weight. You know what’s at stake if you don’t lose weight and you know you’ll be reward with a happy, healthy life that you’ve always wanted.
Motivation is so overrated.
You just need to decide to earn your new life. Nobody is going to give it to you. Motivation is so overrated — it’s not a requisite for losing weight or obtaining your goals. I’ll say that again: you don’t need motivation to lose weight. You don’t feel like going to the gym tonight? Tired, have a headache? Tough. I slept about 6 hours last night and will end up working 10 hours today, getting off around 5 and coming home to cook dinner for the wife. After an hour or two of quality time (cooking, cleaning), I’ll leave my warm, cozy house and family behind to go to the gym and leave my heart on the floor. Around 9, I’ll come back home to find my daughter already asleep and my wife soon thereafter."
What I like about Tyler's approach to weight loss is that he keeps it simple: Calories in vs. calories out. If you've been around for any length of time you will know that I've gone on a few restrictive diets. Always in the back of my mind I know that when I'm in a "binge eating" spell it's as a result of being too restrictive. This isn't an excuse, just a pattern I've noticed over the years. I feel that there is a need to find a way to eat as to prevent "last meals" or the "I'll diet tomorrow mentality". Tyler has connected the two which has resulted in his success. There isn't a start day for eating diet food and "bad days" for overeating "bad" foods, which for me is the result of an endless cycle. Feast of Famine.
What if all days we allowed ourselves to eat what we want in moderation. To keep trigger foods out of the house, but to actually enjoy the food we are eating on a daily basis. If you look at Tyler's meal plans many would argue (and do) that he isn't eating enough "health food" or would claim that he could be eating more food in his day if he was eating less calorie laden/fatty foods. I think over time, Tyler has and will become more accustom to eating foods that are higher in nutritional value vs. foods with higher caloric value with low nutrition naturally.
His plan worked for his lifestyle. 1) he eats out a lot 2) he likes "man food" or "bar food" style meals so instead of cutting them out cold turkey he just eats less, counts the calories and exercises. Which makes sense for a lot of us.
I make no excuses for the fact that I love food. This quote by Julia Child sums it up:
“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook”
I love good food, I love recipes, good cooking, ethnic foods , you name it. I actually love to grocery shop. And I just cannot for the life of me get on board with eating "diet" food. The notion that some foods are bad and others are not. I've covered this topic many times and continue to come back to this same point. How to make both worlds exist. Eating good food in moderation. Eliminating the idea that "diet" anything is the key to weight loss and stop feeling bad for wanting to enjoy food for what it is and should be: delicious nourishment
I hate rules and will always, no matter what, will rebel. But something has to give. What is the payoff for living a healthier life while enjoying food? Keeping track of what I eat, moderation, keeping foods that I tend to overeat out of my house or office space, only eat dessert if it is (strictly) made from scratch with good ingredients and to exercise a lot.
With that said, Tyler has given me hope that I too can lose 125lbs with dedication and direction rather than restriction and struggle.
Binge eating is a habit that I allow myself to (on occasion) subscribe to. I've had many months where I never bought anything from the store that I didn't need and never ate secretly in my car. And I was fine with it. And I've had others where that was not at all the case. But, it is always a choice. Just because the cookies, cakes, frozen pizza and ice cream are there does not mean I always have to have them around. And it doesn't mean I can't enjoy them on occasion.
What am I feeding when I overeat?
I've decided to make my daily food and exercise choices more prevalent on my front page. I can't guarantee I will always take photos of what I eat, but I am doing my best to keep it public. I have a little notebook that I carry with me to write what I eat in. I've done this before and it's really helpful. This is a sacrifice, for right now, I need to make and dedicate myself to. Recording what I eat and exercise.
I know that this opens me up to many comments that have irked me in the past. I know my best interest is always at hand, but I'm no dummy, I know what foods are best to eat. I know about real food, local food, moderation, protein, fiber, carbs. Trust me, by now. I know. I just need to be able to use this space to honestly share my journey without judgement regarding what I should or should not be eating. My goal isn't perfection. This isn't a raw food, vegan or nutrition blog. They exist and I have a few I highly recommend if you're interested.
I know that the 400 calories I ate in mashed potatoes yesterday is not "diet food" or a wise choice. But, I wrote it down and was accountable for it. I adjusted my calories for it and exercised. Or I could have felt guilty and overate that rest of the day, but I didn't. I could have had a more filling meal of eggs or whole grains. Some days will be better than others. Some days I will have lower calories and others will be higher. Some days I will want more food than others and other days I may just want to eat pizza and the next spinach salads. I'm okay with this.
Tuesday January 12th 2010:
1+1/2 C mashed potatoes w/ 1 slice Colby : 400 calories
1/2 C roasted sunflower seeds- 180
2 ladles potato soup (made by coworker) + 6 wheat thin flat bread crackers + a very small serving of cheese+ salad with a touch of cream of cucumber dressing: 670 calories
2 clementines: about 100 calories
1 Tbs. chia goodness: 55 calories
veggie pizza from subway without extra cheese (they put this on as default)- 430 calories
bowl of chili: 340 calories
Total calories: 2,175
Exercise: 30 minutes of strength training
It is hard to leave fear and comfort behind. What you have to do is define why it is worth it to you. What positive behaviors do you want to become your new habits? Who do you want to be instead? Put your focus on what you want to be instead of what you don’t want to be or what you are afraid you’ll become. Start pretending you have already arrived and make the same choices that the future you would make.
Accountability is hard, but that guides my every food choice. My food journal works for me as long as it gets even one hit a day. People will watch you. And, if you let them know it’s okay, they’ll call you out. And the avoidance if that and my dedication to food photo honesty are what kept me from buying and eating a whole pint of ice cream on Monday.
I want you to find your stride, babe. It is out there waiting to be found. I can’t wait to be here and watch you kick ass.
I love ya, girl.
(and I miss our obnoxious unconteollable giggles! When are we gonna get together again!)
Lorrie
I was really touched by your honesty in your last two posts. I hadn’t read your blog for awhile and I’m glad I came back. I could relate to some of what you said. I don’t understand how I ate my way to 215 pounds and the effects it had on my body. Bat wing arms and all. I applaud you for being honest. I like the comment above–taking pictures of my food may be a way for me to be more accountable as well. I am rooting for you. You’ve lost weight before and you’ve learned so much thus far. I know you can continue your weight loss.
I hope you don’t mind but I borrowed an excerpt from your post, giving you full credit of course, and posted it on my blog. I am here rooting for you. I think in order for us to have success we need to measure and weight our portions. We just need to find some consistency. Just wanted to let you know I’m rooting for you.
Take care
Paula
You’re right – you know exactly what you need to do! For me, it was a matter of consistently putting one foot in front of the other, never giving up and beginning the hard mental work of stopping the self hatred. I’m still working on all of it but baby steps have done wonders for me.
When I think of diet food, I think of something like low fat cookies or some other processed “frankenfood”. Doesn’t work at all for me but some people are fine with eating it. I don’t consider a big bowl of steamed broccoli with a drizzle of balsalmic vinaiger dressing diet food, but someone else might.
I write down everything I eat and it makes me both aware and accountable. Plus I feel proud to write down the incredible healthy meals I make. When I have a day with, for example, too many carbs, I just note “too many carbs!”. No judgement – just info.
I lived a restricted life – now I live a complete life. But always a work in progress. It sounds like you are ready and I know you will be successful.
You’re completely right, everything is just a choice. Motivation doesn’t count for much, you just make the choices the best you can. I also look at some people and think but how could I give up eating real cheese, or chocolate, that’s just not ok. Eating small amounts of it is better than eating more of low fat cheese or diet chocolate (both of which are gross). Keep making the best choices you can!
You’re such an inspiration because you’re real. Great post, thank you!!
Hi Lorrie! Like I have said, admitting what you WERE doing is a big big step towards your goal. Your blog is a success because of your ability to write from the heart. You’re honest, human and a wonderful girl without ever meeting you, I know you are a wonderful, kind girl who has artistic abilities and is talented! Bottom line is, you have to do this. Not so you can wear great fashions, a great bikini, etc. but so that you can be around for your loving husband, friends, and family. Remember, they want what you want. They are the ones “on your side”. Ignore all negativity, all “suggestions” from those who think they know best. Follow your heart. Make a step towards eating healthy! You already understand what that means. Exercise every day for at least 25 minutes and shoot for 45. Do this and stop the binge eating. It’s mind over matter. Be strong and remember it’s ok to feel a little hungry during the day. Drink a big glass of green tea or chew some gum to help with the hunger. If it takes a year, 2 years, 3 years, its’ ok. You will lose the weight if you stop the binge eating. You are truly a beautiful, kind, talented young girl who is Loved by God and her family and friends. You will do this because you so deserve to be happy and healthy and so deserve to have everything in life that you want.
Hi!
I came across your blog not too long ago, after typing in “weight loss blogs” on Google. I was researching weight loss blogs, after starting one of my own. I’ve been following you ever since! You are just so cute, honest, inspiring and I love reading your posts!
My thoughts on this post: I heart you, and I agree with everything you said!
Thanks!
Brittany
I LOVE this post. I’ve been a regular reader of your blog for quite awhile, but I don’t comment often. I wanted to now, because this post really touched me, and I relate to it a lot.
I’ve been a binge eater. I went through a bout of it over the holidays and gained about 8lbs. I’m thankful it wasn’t more, and that I came to the same realization that you did, that it could easily add up, and before I know it, my 35lb weight loss is gone.
I think your plan is great, to write down what you eat, and to eat the things you like, in moderation. It’s what I do, and it’s what has worked really well for me. I love vegetables, fruits and other healthy stuff, so I eat a lot of it, but I also love other things that aren’t so great. Depriving myself of them indefinitely is just a recipe for failure, so I work them into my plan, and I find that I enjoy them more because I’m not eating them every day.
It’s really courageous of you to really lay out your emotions in these posts and I’m really rooting for you. I hope this plan continues to work for you. Good luck!
You have inspired me to start my own blog so that I am somewhat held accountable for my every day choices. You are very right about food you cant just completely cut everything out and expect to succeed portion control is a much better option especially for us binge eaters.
I just came across your blog through ”Thats Fit” and I can’t wait to read more of your story.
I recognize that slippery slope you speak of and fell into those patterns again gaining back almost 40 lbs in 14 months after loosing 151lbs…I am back in the saddle and determined to take care of my issue that so effects those around me.
I appreciate your honesty. It’s brave to put your pic on your blog and be honest about your problems. I haven’t even posted my pic. My friends are all computer savvy and would probably accidentally find my blog. I would be mortified. You’re right about food. Sometimes you eat good and sometimes you eat bad. That’s part of the learning experience in our journeys.
I agree with what you are going through, I’m working through the same things. I’ve discovered that if I have the food I want, when I want it, it really is fine.
I’ve also discovered that I really am not a fan of sweets anymore, and anything greasy or deep fried just really HONESTLY does not appeal to me anymore. I’ve also discovered that if my food is very well spiced/favored then I’m not as inclined to eat a whole bunch of it.
Finding the right road for you is key and you are on the way there.
I love your blog. I just recently had a baby and have started my own blog about my journey to healthiness…I feel like we can do this together! =)
It is so funny because I found about 344pounds.com just last night and I was touched by all the same quotes as you. I think we are a lot alike.
Ok sorry I am not trying to come off as creepy ‘hey read my blog’ girl.
Love your stuff…keep it coming it helps me in many many ways.
I love this post. I just started with Weight Watchers online (because for me, counting points is somehow easier than counting calories) and I’ve been losing weight, but I haven’t been eating just “diet” food. I’ve always had an all or nothing mentality about dieting, but this has been so much better for me. Yes, I’m trying to eat healthy foods, but last week I wanted pizza and I had pizza. I kept track of my points and I still lost weight. I’m just starting to discover how much better it can be to not ban certain foods entirely. And I may learn to eat less of the “bad” foods. But at least I’m losing weight and eating more healthy foods than I would if I wasn’t dieting at all. It’s a lifestyle change, and personally I have no desire to go the rest of my life without Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
you are such an incredibly beautiful and articulate inspiration. THANK you for your story. thank you for your wide open spirit, and sharing it with all of us. i’m right here on the road with ya, sister-friend. and i always leave your page, better for it. much love!
Hi,
I am chinese and we have a fantastic way of dieting. We eat steam food with porriadge. Our version of porriadge is different from the Scots. Ours is rice cooked in plenty of water and the result is watery rice with plenty of fluid. And we eat a bowl of this with steam vegs, fish and meat. u can lose alot of weight very fast by using this method. I hope this helps. I lost 2-3 kilos in a week by following this dieting. Morning: cereal ( normal portion with skimmed milk.) lunch: porriadge ( a bowl, not a big bowl) with steam vege and fish. Dinner : a bowl of porriadge with steam meat and vege. I think the trick is to not over eat and porriadge is filling because it is loaded with water.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
I just discovered your blog and am so glad I did. Lately I, too, have been eating in secret, bingeing alone in the afternoon only to cook & eat “healthy” meals for the family at night. It has to stop, I have to figure out why I’ve gained another 18 pounds this past year and why I can’t seem to get control over my eating.
Thank you for your honesty and inspiration.
You hit it on the head, and in such great words too.
Thanks for inspiring me!
thank you for blogging! please keep it up. it helps to know that other people are overcoming their fears and making their goals happen!
I really love that quote “You have to earn your new life”. It’s so powerful! It just seems that for so many people who are trying to lose weight, women especially, taking the time to do what’s right for ourselves is easier said than done. We’re so busy taking care of our families, pets, work, and hobbies that what’s left for healthy living gets put in the back corner. So good for you for writing down your meals…even if they aren’t the type you would normally try to eat on your plan, at least you owned what you ate and can move on knowing you tracked it. It will be really helpful down the road if you’re feeling the same kinds of emotions to know how you dealt with it today, and that you can continue to stay on your journey.