Despite my best efforts to move forward with my health goals this week, I am in a full on funk and it's safe to say I've been here for awhile. Sure, I'm functioning. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking care of things. I'm blogging and generally eating better post holidays, but I need a mental refreshing.
I don't know if it is the weater. It snowed about 14 inches almost 3 weeks ago and the snow is still on the ground. On top of that we had an ice storm and freezing weather ever since. Our hot water is frozen, our kitchen sink drain is frozen and the short walk to the car evey morning takes skillfull balance not to fall over.
Despite the weather, I know that my weight is what is really eating at me. I kept a food/weight journal (not public) for my own keeping for "the cleanse" and when I stopped I really let go of everything and packed on the weight. I know that 15 (approximate) pounds is not the end of the world, but I feel different. When you gain weight when you're trying to lose weight and when you are already big, it is not easy mentally or physically.
I was holding steady at 275 and the weight was dropping. And then I just went right back up and it's so annoying that I let myself get back to 290. 290. I thought I was past this. I donated all of my size 24+ jeans to goodwill. To make a point...I'd never be here again. And here I am. Wearing the last size 24 pair of jeans I have on regular rotation. My size 22 skirts fit, and forget about the size 22 pants.
It's scary to me how fast and easy it is for me to be back where I started. To throw work away, to have fear of myself. Fear that I will never get past these hurdles. I believe I will get better. I believe I will be healthier, but I can't deny the fact that I have some serious work to do with myself before abusing food is a thing of the past.
I have seriously bad habits that I have gone in and out of over the course of this blog. One of them is eating in private. I am a big believer that "diet" food is a scam and I am sure that when people see me not eating the standard diet fare (salads no dressing, low fat everything, low calorie, low carb, sugar free, diet soda etc.) they think "this is why you can't lose weight" , but in fact it's never what you see me eating that is keeping me fat, it's what you don't see me eating that is the key to my weight issues.
I know good and well that I can eat real, good, delicious foods and lose weight. I've done it before. What keeps me fat is my dependency on food. My funks, my depression, my cycles, my inconsistency and my private eating.
I've done some pretty wacky things when alone:
Okay maybe not quite like that. But, I've eaten in my car more times than I can even begin to say. I even bought these lemon filled cookies once and hid them in my underwear drawer (in the package, of course) which were later found by Josh looking for a pair of socks. He asked me about it, he questioned why I was hiding food and I just sat there. Two worlds collided. My secret world and my real world were staring each other in the face and I was embarrassed.
My bad habits are skeletons in my closet. They are shameful little secrets that no one knows about. How I used to go from one fast food place to another so that I could amass food without them knowing I was ordering all of that food just for me. How I've thrown food out of the car window. How I've eaten a pint of icecream in the car without a spoon. Or the little weird habits that I pick up while eating in private. If a car passes, I pretend not to be eating.
The only way for me to get over this is by sharing it. To stop fearing it and to be open about it. The more that I keep this behavior a secret the more control that I give it. I am writing this as a way to "come clean" and to move forward. My goal is to stop eating in my car. And to stop eating secretly. I'm not saying I can't eat along, because that doesn't make any sense, but avoiding behavior that I wouldn't participate in front of other people. And telling you guys about it, not out of punishment, but to get over this once and for all.
Very good post! To be accountable for what you do and to not hide it is the first step. I applaud your bravery. It’s hard to admit what we do sometimes when others are not around. Honesty is going to help you more than you know. Honesty with yourself and with others. I think you are definitely on the right track.
kudos to you for facing it. i am a firm believer that is the first step.
the second is to not hate yourself for it. imagine if this was a good friend of yours, or if it was Josh..what would you say to that person? Write THAT done. Say it to YOURSELF.
third – STOP. Make a rule for yourself – no eating in the car. Or, no eating packaged/fast food in the car. Force yourself to take a yogurt drink, or a fruit with you.
that’s as far as i’ve gotten in my own struggle.
*virtual hugs* to you honey. sounds like you need them!
xo
I think it’s fabulous that you’re sharing this. Soooo many people do this stuff and spend their lives ashamed. Maybe if more would be open about it, it would take away the shame, thus leading to real change!
Very honest post. And it’s really hard to do that, so thank you for sharing. It’s amazing how we let food have such control and power over us. Remember, no matter what, you can be the one in control; you always are the one in control, and letting go of the notion that food is powerful may help a lot. After all, it is just food, isn’t it?
Isn’t it interesting that it just IS NOT about eating too much? It’s about sneaking the food and waiting until you are alone because it tastes better and nobody can see you do it….It is about so much more than food.
I wish I could get past it myself but I still do it. And I don’t know why.
You soooo aren’t alone with this. I used to eat lunch in my car so no one would see what (and how much) I was eating. I’d get home and eat anything I could find, or what I’d bought during the day, before my husband got home and I made dinner.
You will move past it, this is the first step! You are amazing and strong, thanks for sharing. x
I signed on to your blog today because I too am having a cloud over my weightloss lately. Thank you for sharing your secrets. You are brave. And you are strong. People don’t recognize how hard it is to believe in yourself 100% of the time and to invest positively in yourself 100% of the time.
Even in this hiccup we can still found our way to make better choices for ourselves. Just try to listen harder to the voice in your head that says “You are worth it.” Because we are…
Thank you for sharing. Being honest with myself is key for me too. I write everything down – good and bad. Sometimes it is hard to write “bag of peanut m+ms…250″ but I do it. Good luck my friend, I too struggle with private eating. Every day I write my eats down is a win.
Cheers,
Trish
This so resonates for me. I started eating secretly as a child. The store of cookies in your sock drawer, so me. Only I hid things under bed. I, acutally, just posted about it on my fitness blog yesterday.
It’s hard to overcome, but you can do it. and you will. I admire you for your bravery for coming clean about it.
it’s going to be a first step in achieving your goals. It’s huge, admitting this. I have a friend that hides chips and snacks in her bedroom closet. She has gained a lot of weight over a few years time. Her self esteem affects her marriage, her friendships and her family relationships. Every picture she shows me of a beautiful vacation is followed by “Oh, I’m so fat here, I look terrible”. I say, “No, you look beautiful, you don’t look that big”. I’m lying to her because I don’t want to hurt her. Point is, she does look big and it was all her decision to sneak bad, salty, fatty foods behind her husband’s back. This is a BIG step for you. We all have our “things”, “vices”, we are all HUMAN. We all need enjoyment and satisfaction in life. But what is most important, above all else is our responsibility to our loved ones. Cancer risks increase with obesity, heart failures increase with obesity, diabetes increase with obesity. Those few people in our lives, that LOVE us completely, they deserve a healthy YOU. They’re the ones who worry, who want us to be healthy so that life can be an adventure, a fun adventure, they need their Best Friend around. 2010 is going to be your year. You have to do it for yourself. But also for the beautiful people in your life who want you to be healthy and happy. I lost the weight to get below a BMI of 22 for my height. I am now at the weight I was in college. I will never go back to gaining that 25 lbs I lost. I focus on my Love for my Loved ones. They need me here. The strongest weapon against weight loss is Your mind.
You are not alone. All of those things you talked about – I have done (I had a spoon for the ice cream though). It’s not easy, but you can overcome them and I admire you for talking about them and getting them out in the open. That’s a step in the right direction.
Snow and winter in general is very depressing for me and puts me into a funk, so I know how you feel. I thrive in sunshine – maybe I should move out of Ohio!!!
Stay motivated and be great!
Lorrie, thank you for posting this. I have been a secret eater for yearsssss. I am 41 now and have been eating in private since I was in my early teens. When I read your post I thought I was reading my story. Before now I thought I was alone with this problem, and now I see that Im not. Its a relief to know I am not alone, but it also makes me sad to know that other suffer with secret eating. You have inspired me to write about my own secret eating habit. Losing weight and keeping these struggles managable is a very hard thing. I understand, I really do. Keep your chin up sweetheart!
Dee <3
my FIRST THOUGHT when my husband leaves the apartment is ‘what can i eat?’ it’s… bizarre. especially because he’s as likely as i am to, say, suggest pizza, eat a whole batch of cookies or mix leftover frosting with peanut butter (so. embarrassing.) and eat it with a spoon. i started drinking diet soda again so i could feel like i was having a treat while he’s gone– which, now that i think about it, only reinforces the behavior.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Of course I knew that I wasn’t the only one who did some of these things, but there’s a reason no-one talks about it. It’s shameful and I think you are super brave for talking about it. Next time I feel like sneak-eating I will think of you and hopefully it will give me strength not to do it. Thanks again!!!
I totally understand when it comes to how easily it can all come back on. I know what to do to make it happen because I have done it before but boy is it a challenge. Staying accountable helps but it’s a process we have to work hard at forever. This year I hope to be able to get back to the good habits and stick with it.
Glad you shared!
It’s the winter doldrums. It’s that time of year where fresh air and sunshine days are few and far between. I have heard of other people refer to it as seasonal depression?
In any case, you recognize all of this and I just *know* that you will get out of your rut and triumph once again! You can do it!
~Kellie
Lorrie,
oh my god, I read each of your secrets and said “Yep, I’ve done/doing that.” I swear I thought I was the only one who hid the sweets in the underwear drawer in my closet. I’ve hid a plastic container full of doughnuts before and most recently bags of white chocolate reeses cups (they were quieter when I snuck into them when my husband was home). So, sad these little secrets are. I’m so proud you had the guts to say them outloud. This year I’m really trying to stop my secret eating. I wish us all strength in this new year to make ourselves into the people we always dreamed we’d be.
You’re not alone re eating in private. But you cut through the layers of shame and secrecy when you actually blogged about it. I’ve done many of the things you mentioned and reading it, recognising it, acknowledging it was quite confronting … but in a good way. I think you’re right – it has to be said, it has to be looked at for what it is. And I need to commit to only eating in public and make a promise to myself that I will not engage in secret eating anymore. I’ll think of you when I feel tempted and your post. Thank you.
This is an amazingly honest post, and I really appreciate you being so open with your issues. We all have them! You’re not alone at all. It’s really sad when you think of how many of us – especially women – have these same experiences with food that you wrote about here. The reason we feel embarrassed about these habits and experiences is because we stay silent… so thank you for voicing this for all of us!
Hi there,
your entry really hit home for me, Ive been overweight all my adult life and live a complete lie about my eating habits. eating in secret then feeling guilty over it the whole lot. Ive have taken a stand this week and made a very public annoucement about my change, ive dyed my haor a colour that i dont like to serve as a daily reminder to me that i cant go back to “myself” until the end of my journey.
I have decided to start a blog too a really honest account just like yours as a way of holding myself accountable.
thank you for your honesty and i will continue to read the rest of your journey – keep smiling, Rai x
just re-evaluate, and start again, don’t try and see it as a diet. When I have put on weight and then wanted to loose weight after having my kids I tried to see it as a life style change and wrote everything I ate down, dramatically cut down on my portion sizes and stocked up on diced carrots, celery and loads of veg to eat instead of the snacks, good luck and best wishes.
Thanks for sharing that, Lorrie. It’s really not an uncommon practice at all – I’ve definitely done most of the things you described and I also believe that secret eating/hiding food is at the core of the ‘problem’ with thinking about food and ourselves in a healthy way. That kind of behavior is steeped in shame and shame (for me) leads either to binging or starving – not to open, wholesome, enjoyable experiences. We’ll get through it one step at a time
WOW!!!! Great blog. We all do those little things that we are ashamed of and def. not around people…quite refreshing for reading about itand I thank you for that. For me I make these gross concotions and then eat them…like I attempt to make raw cookie dough??? And then secretly eat it…no one knows about this…my dh caught me once…and thought it was quite digusting….then I question why?????Why do I do this? I have an eating problem…I will eat great then I will binge…not a pretty word but it is what it is. Reading about your struggles helps thanks for this blog
Bravo! It took a lot to tell us that and I greatly appreciate it.
In the past I have hidden food too. Ate things and then hidden the wrapper in the bottom of the trash.
I have never gone to more then one fast food drive threw but I have gone to one on my way home, hidden the trash and then gone in and made dinner.
Thanks for your honesty. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Geneen Roth but “secret eating” is one area she talks alot about. I would recommend any of her books. Her work was the first I ever read that made me realize that I wasn’t crazy and other people besides me has unhealthy relationships with food.
I have the same problem! I secretly eat! And even when I eat in front of my husband, I eat even more than him! I used to love to drive through a drive-thru window when my husband would be out of town because it was a special treat for me. It’s a problem I also have to face.
I thought I was the only one who would do this. I haven’t done it in a while but I can very well remember doing the very same thing. I had a friend who did the same thing and we would go around to different fast food places together. I would even often find myself eating at night when everyone was asleep and hiding the evidence so no one could see it.
This is what all people who are morbidly obese need to admit. You dont get to weigh 290 lbs by “eating seconds” of your healthy dinner. It amazes me how many obese weight loss bloggers don’t talk about their disordered eating. Which is the only real way you can be 100 or 200 lbs overweight. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
I used to have an issue with eating in private. I never hid anything, but I would make sure I threw wrappers away before Nathan got in the car or keep candy at work and not bring it home. I think that’s why my food photo journal has been such an important part of my success. Usually when I’m not posting, that means that I’m not proud of what/how I’ve been eating. It’s all about accountability. Getting it out in the open. That totally impacts the decisions I make.
I love ya, girl. We all have food skeletons. We face them one at a time. I’m proud of you for bringing light to this one.
I have totally been there. Eating in the car was my big thing for me when I was suffering with my bulimia. I would go from one mcdonalds in one town to the next in the town over. And then vomit. It took me a long time to get over the eating in private and feeling guilty about it and I still have the temptation constantly all the time. You will get through it!!! and you WILL get beyond it!!! Good luck with everything
I just discovered your blog.
Thank you for your post about hiding food. It sounded so familiar it was scary. It is so wonderful and brave of you to share your struggles with weight loss.
Good luck in the new year.
I am addicted to food too….and I can certainly relate. It’s a daily battle, and one I will most likely need to fight for the rest of my life. I will say that I am still on my weight loss journey..,40 lb less than this time last year (still well over 200 lbs) but I did not do well in November and December and gained weight too. One thing that has helped me is to have a fitness goal–for me last year it was training for a triathelon. This was something totally out of my comfort zone–I still am so proud of myself for trying. I was certainly the fattest, most out of shape person in my group–but I was determined to improve the most….and I did. I found myself focusing on eating better and exercising, not to lose weight but to not feel ridiculous in the training group. The funny thing is I didn’t feel ridiculous in my group (after the first day or two) because I knew I was putting in my full effort and they recognized that too. I am now signed up for 1/2 marathon that I will be training for and a couple more triathelons. When I have a concrete goal I am working towards I tend to do better. They are specific dates that require a certain performance level. Because losing weight and feeling better, while an important goal, tends to be too open ended(at least for me)
Wow,I feel your pain! Food is a drug for some of us. We try our best to do the right things, but sometimes it gets the better of us. Don’t let it beat you! You’ve been here before and already know what it takes to get past this point. Do it! Not for your reader, not for Josh, but for YOU and YOUR HEALTH!
It’s brave of you to share, Lorrie. Acknowledging the issue is always the first step to addressing and getting rid of them. You’re an inspiration.
I came across your blog while looking for weight-loss inspiration. Good for you for being honest with yourself about your difficulties. Don’t worry, you’ll get to your goal if you keep being honest and start making changes toward being healthy in general (not just to lose weight). I’m currently on this journey myself and I am closer to reaching my goal than I have ever been. If you want some of my easy weight loss and healthy cooking tips, check out my blog at http://makeoverchef.blogspot.com Maybe they will help and inspire you
Best of luck to you. Don’t ever be discouraged from reaching your goals.
Hello, I just found your blog and love it. I too am overweight and need to lose 100+ lbs. I am tired of being the fat lady in the crowd! Good luck to you! You can do it!
Thank you so much for posting this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I was the same way. One day I took my clothes down to the basement (washer upstairs, dryer down) and when I came back up I was gasping for air and my legs were tired. I sat down on the couch and looked at my reflection in the black tv sitting across the room from me. I was tired, I was 20, I was overweight, and I was overwhelmed with the fact that weight loss is gradual and takes a lot of hard, hard work. I started making little changes..I know you know all about this but I just want to share. I stopped buying soda. Then I stopped buying ice cream. I worked out, even if it was just walking, every night before dinner and found that I would eat less cuz my body was coming down off the exercise high I had put it on. I stopped eating after dinner. Soon I realized, the less I ate sweets and fried foods….the less I craved them. I would drive buy a mcdonalds for once and not contemplate whether or not to pull in. I was getting stronger, willpower and physical strength. Next thing I knew, my jean were fitting better and when my alarm clock went off I actually got up without hitting snooze 10 times. This was 3 years ago…and 103 pounds ago. I am now trying to get my last 40 pounds off and boy is it tough. I started reading your blog about 2 weeks ago and I have to say I really like your honesty and you in general. Please keep your head up and push forward. Again, I want to say thank you for posting the blog about sneaking food and weird habits…I was there, I know
Thank you SO much for this. I’ve done some of the same things in my car and I feel shameful over it. While it’s nice to know I’m not the only one, it hurts me to think that other people *know* that pain. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to confess it as a means to move forward.
Keep your head up, I can totally relate to the eating in private thing. I have started doing things like packing a lunch and taking it to the park…eating on a bench outside my building instead of in my office…
Above all, I think you are absolutely beautiful, and brave as hell for putting yourself out in the world on a blog. If you have the courage to openly the thing that is holding you back, you can accomplish any goal you set.
I finally had to decided I couldn’t lose the weight on my own. I needed the support of others who know stuff like how it feels to hide food or how to put on 10 outfits because they all make me feel bad. So I joined Weight Watchers, others who have been or am where I am and are making steps to change. Maybe more support might help you to.
Hi Lorrie,
I just found your blog this evening. Good for you for posting this entry. I’m another one who eats in private. I moved into a new house and broke up with my significant other in November, so unfortunately I have lots of private time, and I’ve made some bad food choices along the way.
Confession is good for the soul, and I think you can see from all of us who’ve commented that you’re far from alone. Thank you so much for having the courage to post this.
Great post, you’ve really opened yourself up to your readers here. I bet you feel a lot better for having got this problem out in the open and off your chest.
Thank you so much for your honesty. It means the world. It’s a huge thing to share so openly and you need to know that no one takes it lightly. So thank you.
I came over from Fat Bridesmaid and just wanted to comment. Five years ago I joined weight watchers and one of my issues was and still is what I call “sneak eating”. The stopping to get a value meal before meeting up with a group of people and then eating with them an hour later because someone suggested it. The standing in the kitchen eating another brownie before anyone else can see me eat anything so it looks like I haven’t eaten anything. I understand totally. I have been there. I have eaten an entire dozen of doughnuts in my car without anyone knowing until the package was found under the seat by my husband cleaning out my car. It is embaressing. But you can work on it. I have tried the perspective of not ever eating in my car (or at least alone in my car). It was a weakness spot. I also can’t eat in the kitchen by myself. Because that is where I would sneak eat. Just try one step at a time. Have faith in yourself! HUGS
Wow! None of us can feel alone with our secret eating after reading these comments. After 3 years of losing weight and becoming much more healthy, I still have episodes where I buy sweets, hide them and eat in private. The quantity is no where as large as before, the frequency is way less than before – but the behavior is still there. Reading your posts and the comments have inspired me to tackle this head-on. No more hiding! Not even one regular size candy bar or a couple of cookies. Thanks for your honesty, Lorrie. I am here for the first time via FB and I will make your blog a regular read. I know you can beat this habit and achieve your goals!! We all can!
I saw a link to this post on FB’s blog and wanted to stop by to show support & empathy. I am also going to add you to my google reader. We’re travelling a similar journey, and can use all the support we can get! Keep your chin up!
Oh Lorrie, I cried when I read this post. I cried out of understanding and sisterhood because boy oh boy have I ever been there and done that.
It gets better once you let go of the shame. Who gives a rat’s ass if someone sees a large person eating… everyone eats. We kinda have to.
I struggle with very similar issues and have decided that from now on I am letting go of the shame. I am not apologizing to society anymore for being overweight. The only person I have apologized to is myself (and my body for not loving and accepting it as is.)
You are an amazing, creative, beautiful woman with a superb heart. And that is why people keep coming back to read your blog, not your caloric intake nor your lbs gained or lost.
We are ALL here for you.
Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how reassuring it is to know that I’m not the only one who has eaten in private out of depression, fear, and shame. I admire you tremendously for admitting it and moving forward against the fear. Good luck to you!
Fast food, I can relate to that. In my mind, I even focused on the dollar menus because I was spending so little to get satisfied, how could it hurt? Five bucks, five items – cheeseburger, fries, ice cream, drink, onion rings. I hardly noticed the money being out of my purse or account. I hardly noticed I was eating a thousand calories or so. It’s easy to hand over the debit card. Rationalizations continue to haunt me. I have to work out my relationship to food in my head to make it sane when it translates to what I do.
I can totally relate to what you are going through. Secret eating something I have really struggled with. It really comes down to letting go of our old self and mastering our minds. We are really stronger that we know. Sometimes we need help seeing that.