Despite my best efforts to move forward with my health goals this week, I am in a full on funk and it's safe to say I've been here for awhile. Sure, I'm functioning. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking care of things. I'm blogging and generally eating better post holidays, but I need a mental refreshing.
I don't know if it is the weater. It snowed about 14 inches almost 3 weeks ago and the snow is still on the ground. On top of that we had an ice storm and freezing weather ever since. Our hot water is frozen, our kitchen sink drain is frozen and the short walk to the car evey morning takes skillfull balance not to fall over.
Despite the weather, I know that my weight is what is really eating at me. I kept a food/weight journal (not public) for my own keeping for "the cleanse" and when I stopped I really let go of everything and packed on the weight. I know that 15 (approximate) pounds is not the end of the world, but I feel different. When you gain weight when you're trying to lose weight and when you are already big, it is not easy mentally or physically.
I was holding steady at 275 and the weight was dropping. And then I just went right back up and it's so annoying that I let myself get back to 290. 290. I thought I was past this. I donated all of my size 24+ jeans to goodwill. To make a point...I'd never be here again. And here I am. Wearing the last size 24 pair of jeans I have on regular rotation. My size 22 skirts fit, and forget about the size 22 pants.
It's scary to me how fast and easy it is for me to be back where I started. To throw work away, to have fear of myself. Fear that I will never get past these hurdles. I believe I will get better. I believe I will be healthier, but I can't deny the fact that I have some serious work to do with myself before abusing food is a thing of the past.
I have seriously bad habits that I have gone in and out of over the course of this blog. One of them is eating in private. I am a big believer that "diet" food is a scam and I am sure that when people see me not eating the standard diet fare (salads no dressing, low fat everything, low calorie, low carb, sugar free, diet soda etc.) they think "this is why you can't lose weight" , but in fact it's never what you see me eating that is keeping me fat, it's what you don't see me eating that is the key to my weight issues.
I know good and well that I can eat real, good, delicious foods and lose weight. I've done it before. What keeps me fat is my dependency on food. My funks, my depression, my cycles, my inconsistency and my private eating.
I've done some pretty wacky things when alone:
Okay maybe not quite like that. But, I've eaten in my car more times than I can even begin to say. I even bought these lemon filled cookies once and hid them in my underwear drawer (in the package, of course) which were later found by Josh looking for a pair of socks. He asked me about it, he questioned why I was hiding food and I just sat there. Two worlds collided. My secret world and my real world were staring each other in the face and I was embarrassed.
My bad habits are skeletons in my closet. They are shameful little secrets that no one knows about. How I used to go from one fast food place to another so that I could amass food without them knowing I was ordering all of that food just for me. How I've thrown food out of the car window. How I've eaten a pint of icecream in the car without a spoon. Or the little weird habits that I pick up while eating in private. If a car passes, I pretend not to be eating.
The only way for me to get over this is by sharing it. To stop fearing it and to be open about it. The more that I keep this behavior a secret the more control that I give it. I am writing this as a way to "come clean" and to move forward. My goal is to stop eating in my car. And to stop eating secretly. I'm not saying I can't eat along, because that doesn't make any sense, but avoiding behavior that I wouldn't participate in front of other people. And telling you guys about it, not out of punishment, but to get over this once and for all.
Apparently, the food zombie bit several of us because I inhaled a full sized bag of potato chips last night, even thought I’d never normally let potato chips in my house.
I’m convinced that manufactured food is so full of crappy, ADDICTIVE chemicals that is aiding and abetting the binge and overeating behaviors so many of us experience and try to avoid.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but appreciate that you’ve put it out there. Hope in the days since you’ve posted this, you’ve found hope.
Thank you so much for your post today. I struggle with this all of the time but have noticed it more and more lately. I have a tendancy to bring my breakfast with me to work (starting out with the best intentions) but if I have a few extra minutes and/or a few extra dollars, I debate with myself all the way to work about whether I should stop at a fast food place for breakfast (beacause it tastes better than what I brought). I have also found myself lately stopping at a fast food place for french fries and a drink on my way home (where dinner will be ready within 30 minutes or so) and I stop at the trash can that we keep outside of the house to dump the evidence because I could never admit that I had just eaten right before I would be eating dinner. My husband is very loving and supportive but I know that any rational person would know this is wrong so I still try to hide it from him. I think my secret eating started out innocently enough. I was allowed to bring snacks into my room while watching tv as a kid and when I was older, no one was home to monitor my after school “snacking” which was followed by eating a full dinner with my mom when she got home from work. These bad habits have lived on for a long time for me (20+ years) so I guess I feel like I don’t have any control over them, although deep down, I know I do.
Ok. I am so there with ya. Funny thing is, I work at the local YMCA teaching cycling, strength, nutrition classes, and showing people how to use different equipment. This year alone I gained 22 pounds bringing my weight back to 230. Like I don’t know how to lose the weight or how to exercise or how to even eat right. What a place to be the “thick girl” which is what I was called today. I have no motivation and absolutely no accountability. I do the same eating in the car and hiding things. My daughter caught me eating doritos today and totally called me out on it.
A few years ago I went from 248 to 187. I want to be that again, but how? It’s not so much being thinner and prettier, it’s more of getting this dang monkey off my back so that I can quit obsessing over weight.
I read a book not to long ago I think it was called “Why I overeat”. Ok so I did’nt read much of it but I did read enough to figure out what triggered my habbits. When I was a kid, we did’nt have alot of money. So when mom went to the grocery store it was a big event. If she did buy any kind of snack food it was basically the survial of the fittest. I being the youngest, was usually left with nothing and you never knew when you’d get any junk food again. So I think that is why I hide food from my kids and my husband. We by all means are alright finacally, but I still have the same feelings that if I don’t eat all of the reeses cups, I’ll never have another one again in my life.
Great post, TOTALLY relate.
I don’t know why some of have this in our DNA.
Private eating started for me in college *right* after I had lost some weight over the summer. I had an internship where I would have to leave the office and do errands a lot and I always,always bought packaged carby sweets) Did the same thing through the rest of college. After one job I would go get food (pizza, tuna sub) for my car commute home.
Hmm, what else… I have totally eaten a pint of ice cream without a spoon — like squeezing it out of the pint into my mouth. I mean I can’t tell you how many “solo” pints of ice cream I’ve gone through in my life.
I will sometimes buy groceries and hide some of the things in a large purse and sneak them. I guess in a way it’s colored my whole life. At first it’s a fun thrill, but after eating beyond comfort to fullness — such an eating hangover.
I have also had to re-buy larger sizes from gaining weight back. ;(
So just want to let you know you are lovely and you should just lose as much weight to feel comfortable. You are super pretty — if you even lose enough to be active feel good, that’s all you need to do.
Oh my girl…thank you for sharing. This will be the first step, to admit to it. Now you have some accountability.
I have bought two fast food breakfast sandwiches and contemplated buying two drinks so the cashier didn’t think the two sandwiches were for me. Why do we care what these people think of us? We should care more about what we think of ourselves!
Sometimes I would get in the zone, like a zombie and it didn’t seem like there was anything I could do to stop it. My car just drove me to the fast food joint or I grabbed 3 more chocolates in the break room (but only if no one is watching.
I think the theme is judgement. Either fear of being judged or self judgement.
Keep on keepin’ on
Betty
wow…thank you for being so candid. I could have written that myself, as I have done the things you mentioned. “it’s what you don’t see me eating that is the key to my weight issues” so true…
What I discovered is that I need to make sustainable changes to my lifestyle. The key word is sustainable. I have tried just about every diet out there, but always give up because I become bored. Inevitably I end up gaining all of the weight that I have lost back.
I am on a new program now that I believe is the last diet I will ever do. It is all about making sustainable changes to my habits. Small changes over time that become part of my lifestyle. The diet is called You Forever Slim. It makes a lot of sense, and isn’t full of diet gimmicks. Check it out…
http://www.youforeverslim.com/
I am just starting my weight loss journey (again) and found your blog.
I look forward to reading more and to hopefully becoming truthful with myself about what caused me to get to this point.
In peace,
Christina
Hi. I wanted to recommend a book to you called “Confessions of a Carb Queen.” It’s been in print for awhile as I remember seeing it in the bookstore before, but never got a chance to read it until last week. It was a really good read for me because I can TOTALLY relate to the author’s journey to weight loss, and I think you can, too. Maybe you’ve read it already, but if you haven’t, you definitely should. The author talks about making her “rounds” from one fast food place to another, following the little rules she has made up such as:
- finish the food before arriving at the next fast food place.
- never order a combo, even if it’s cheaper. I can’t drink 12 glasses of soda and definitely can’t drink it fast enough before getting to the next stop. Plus it’s harder to hide cups because you can’t crush them like a paper bag.
- hide the empty bag and wrappers under the front passenger seat so nobody can tell what I’m doing.
- when ordering a last meal say “WE would like,..” or “I want this and my FRIEND wants to order this” so they think it’s just me eating everything.
It’s a really great book. I agree with you that being honest to yourself is an important step, and outing yourself will also keep you honest.
GOOD FOR YOU!
- When ordering a big mea
I think you are so cool for rejecting the standard notions of diet fare, and for being on the side of real, good food.
I may not be overweight anymore, but I still have a huge struggle with shame over eating. In the deeper troughs of my bulimia cycles, I’ve done way worse than George’s eclair scenario.
I want to say that you’ve motivated me to address this self-destructive shame that so many people face in various ways. It may take some therapy (fun, fun) but I want to accept my relationship with food, let go of the past, and stop being aggravated by what I think other people think of me.
I hope you stay positive, and stay cool.
Lorrie
How brave of you to write this post. I can sense the honesty and the fear in this post. One which I can identify… I mean,I don’t eat in private but I do feel defeated by my behavior when it comes to food. I hate feelign defeated.
You’ll get right back on the horse. I have no doubt. I think alot of us are feeling the funk due to the weather. It’s just so challenging to be “gung ho” when its freezing and ice out side.
Hang in there girl. I know you’ll be back to your 22 skirts in no time.
Good luck! Read your blog for the very first time today! I’m starting my journey…again. I know what your feeling with the secret eating. In my mind, it was almost like that food didn’t count or exist because no one saw me eating it. Been through countless Drive thru’s ordering more that one drink so they won’t think it’s all for me. So sad isn’t it. Well, this is a new year for me, a new life. A vow to make this the year of me…….
Oh my God. What a wonderful and brave post. And as it’s been said already, “I hear ya girl. I have so been there.”
My dirty little secret? Since my pre-teen years (I’m now 31), I have gone through my own bouts of binge eating but I call places that deliver and order enough food to feed a family and even while ordering- I’ll act like I’m taking people’s orders or talking to someone, so the person on the other line “really knows” its not all just for me.
We have to share our secrets. It’s the only way to break free from them. Good luck on your journey.
I’ve been struggling in my own battle to lose weight, so I did a search for other weight loss blogs and ended up on yours. I too, am a closet eater, so I understand so much of what you wrote here. I also have serious issues with food and a very unhealthy relationship with it. I eat when I’m down, when I’m grieving, when I’m happy – almost every emotion is somehow tied to food.
I hope writing about your issues helps you overcome them – I hope the same thing for me.
wow. this really hits home. i recently went vegetarian so the fast food stops are much less frequent – but the secret eating – yeah, that’s me. i guess i’ve led myself to believe that i was the only one that does this. it’s nice to see your entry – and the comments from others and realize that i’m not alone on this. i really hope you make your goals.
One blog coming clean is a great start. I’m going to suggest Overeaters Anonymous. It is a group of your peers who have been exactly where you are. They learn from each other how to meaningfully and permanently change their destructive behavior. Just a suggestion. Wishing you all the best.
I can totally relate to the binge eating and multiple fast food restaurant stops.
I am trying desperately to loose weight and am determined not to quit trying. I found a book “The Beck Diet Workbook” and it focuses on retraining your habits. You actually don’t focus on the diet part until 3-4 weeks in. First you focus on retraining yourself on how you view eating and it gets you in a good mindset to be successful.
It has been very helpful for me so far.
Are you in therapy? And I don’t say that to be trite. This stuff is really really hard to work through on your own, and even though your blog is a source of strength and comfort, not only for you, but for readers, these habits are deep seated. We can only do so much for ourselves, and whatever is there that is causing you to eat in secret, will be there even after you lose the weight.
I recommend having fruit everywhere, it helps me, every time I’m hungry I have a tangerine, sometimes (most times) its really really hard but it helps!
emma, where can I find over eaters anonymous?
I just read through all of the comments and felt compelled to leave one. Not only your confession but also the other 60+ comments made me feel hopeful and as though I am not alone. I have been a secret eater since some time in high school. I actually lost a lot of weight in high school and then my secret eating and binge eating escalated and I gained 40+ pounds. I still long to have the body I did back in hs. Even though I know that is not possible right now. Anyway, I remember the first time I secretly ate. It was after a concert I went to with my mom I said I was going to stay up a bit later because I wasn’t tired and once I thought she was in bed and possibly sleeping it began. I was so scared I would get caught. From there the secret eating just escalated. I did it all through college and it wasn’t until 2 years after college that I decided I needed help. I had never been caught up until that point (at least never confronted). I told my husband and cried because I felt so much shame. I saw a counselor and figured out the true issue and it stopped dead in its tracks. I have only told one friend and my parents since then. None of them ever ask me about it. It is so tabu. I am now much better than I was before but still have a ways to go. I still have 20 pounds to lose and still sneak eat about 2-3 times a week. It is much smaller, sneaking a piece or two of candy, cleaning out the brownie batter bowl, buying a hot chocolate and hiding the cup etc. I am happy they are now smaller things but still it is shameful and I am sneaking it. Thanks for bringing this up you have allowed me to recommit myself to my healing. I am vowing to now sneak eat, if I want to have something in secrecy I am just going to have it in front of someone so that that stigma is lost. Thanks so much for you post. I highly recommend counseling, there is much more shame in your behavior than seeking help. It truly does help and is worth the time and money.
@saray
There are also online forums and live chats. You can even be assigned a virtual sponsor or in-person sponsor in your local chapter. It actually mirrors Alcoholics Anonymous in many respects and is a very credible organization and means of dealing with binge eating disorders.
@saray
The site for overeaters anonymous is http://www.oa.org/.
Hello, i just had to comment…I was reading this and thought “did I write this”. i have done the same exact things and we are so alike, almost scarey, and i thought I was alone in my madness!
Thank you. I’m crying at my computer. Your battles are not yours alone. I have eaten in my car, hidden food, binged when my husband wasn’t looking. We will over come it. I’m so glad I found your blog!
Thank you for posting this! I have done the same thing more times that I care to remember. Secret eating is always my downfall. My now live-in boyfriend is helping me with this in so many ways, but being able to talk openly about it is so hard.
Good luck!
Thanks for sharing this. I’m trying to lose weight and generally get healthier and so far all the trying has just highlighted what a mixed up relationship with food I have. Secret eating is not something my husband knows I do, but when I’m on the road it gets out of control because it can. Anyway, it’s nice to know others understand.
I hear you on this. I really admire the way you word your truths, even if it may be of some comfort that you may not know all your readers. I only just found this blog today. I was thinking of opening my own, thinking if I keep track of everything it would be easier to not slip. I have to admit that I am intimidated. Looking at so many peoples completed blogs makes me feel like starting fresh is a bigger undertaking than I realized. I guess that’s one of those self destructive perception things. =) I just wanted to say keep on keeping on. Just reading some of your blog has shaped my day and future already. Thank you! <3Charlie
Oh man, some of the habits you described were me to a “T”. Especially 1) the going to different fast food places and getting foods so that one person wouldn’t think I was getting all that food for just me and 2) when people used to pass by in my car, I’d pretend to not be eating.
Oh and have you ever tried this one? If you didn’t feel like making multiple trips to different places, just pretend to be on the phone ordering for your friend or groups of friends? So then the person who was taking your order thought, “Oh she is getting all this food for her friends back home”. Yep, I’ve done that one too.
Luckily, I’ve been fast food free for 3 months now. In the past 18 months, I’ve dropped 82 pounds but I still have a LONG road ahead of me. I still make mistakes and I still get in funks, much like you were describing in this posting. Keep your chin up and hang in there. You’re doing fantastically.
Remember, we may take a step back but that means we must take two steps forward. Use this funk as your motivation!
Maybe overeaters anonymous would be helpful?
Sometimes we need more help than just blogging about it.
OA would be a good place to start.
What a wonderful, raw post! I just found your blog, trying to find inspiration to (yet again) lose the weight. I am sitting here, reading diet blogs, eating Baked Lays out of the bag. Yes. No one else is home, of course. I wouldn’t be eating if someone was here. Good to know I’m not the only “sneak” eater out there. I’ve bookmarked you, and will be following your journey, while embarking on my own. Best of luck! And now, I’m going to take my dogs for a walk
I just came across your blog too, i’m not sure how actually lol.
I can understand how you feel too. I lost weight and was 175, and in the past year I have gone up to 190 again. I know how I did it, but at the same time I don’t. It’s extremely frustrating. To me, too, 15 pounds is a lot of weight and the thought of needing to lose it all over again – it can get disheartening. :/
But what I also loved about your post here was the honesty inside of it. It’s okay to say these things out loud – in fact, it’s needed. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy – you’re a beautiful girl and I wish you all the luck! <3
You are amazing!
My new post-dinner habit is reading fitness/diet blogs- very encouraging to know I’m not alone.