Despite my best efforts to move forward with my health goals this week, I am in a full on funk and it's safe to say I've been here for awhile. Sure, I'm functioning. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking care of things. I'm blogging and generally eating better post holidays, but I need a mental refreshing.
I don't know if it is the weater. It snowed about 14 inches almost 3 weeks ago and the snow is still on the ground. On top of that we had an ice storm and freezing weather ever since. Our hot water is frozen, our kitchen sink drain is frozen and the short walk to the car evey morning takes skillfull balance not to fall over.
Despite the weather, I know that my weight is what is really eating at me. I kept a food/weight journal (not public) for my own keeping for "the cleanse" and when I stopped I really let go of everything and packed on the weight. I know that 15 (approximate) pounds is not the end of the world, but I feel different. When you gain weight when you're trying to lose weight and when you are already big, it is not easy mentally or physically.
I was holding steady at 275 and the weight was dropping. And then I just went right back up and it's so annoying that I let myself get back to 290. 290. I thought I was past this. I donated all of my size 24+ jeans to goodwill. To make a point...I'd never be here again. And here I am. Wearing the last size 24 pair of jeans I have on regular rotation. My size 22 skirts fit, and forget about the size 22 pants.
It's scary to me how fast and easy it is for me to be back where I started. To throw work away, to have fear of myself. Fear that I will never get past these hurdles. I believe I will get better. I believe I will be healthier, but I can't deny the fact that I have some serious work to do with myself before abusing food is a thing of the past.
I have seriously bad habits that I have gone in and out of over the course of this blog. One of them is eating in private. I am a big believer that "diet" food is a scam and I am sure that when people see me not eating the standard diet fare (salads no dressing, low fat everything, low calorie, low carb, sugar free, diet soda etc.) they think "this is why you can't lose weight" , but in fact it's never what you see me eating that is keeping me fat, it's what you don't see me eating that is the key to my weight issues.
I know good and well that I can eat real, good, delicious foods and lose weight. I've done it before. What keeps me fat is my dependency on food. My funks, my depression, my cycles, my inconsistency and my private eating.
I've done some pretty wacky things when alone:
Okay maybe not quite like that. But, I've eaten in my car more times than I can even begin to say. I even bought these lemon filled cookies once and hid them in my underwear drawer (in the package, of course) which were later found by Josh looking for a pair of socks. He asked me about it, he questioned why I was hiding food and I just sat there. Two worlds collided. My secret world and my real world were staring each other in the face and I was embarrassed.
My bad habits are skeletons in my closet. They are shameful little secrets that no one knows about. How I used to go from one fast food place to another so that I could amass food without them knowing I was ordering all of that food just for me. How I've thrown food out of the car window. How I've eaten a pint of icecream in the car without a spoon. Or the little weird habits that I pick up while eating in private. If a car passes, I pretend not to be eating.
The only way for me to get over this is by sharing it. To stop fearing it and to be open about it. The more that I keep this behavior a secret the more control that I give it. I am writing this as a way to "come clean" and to move forward. My goal is to stop eating in my car. And to stop eating secretly. I'm not saying I can't eat along, because that doesn't make any sense, but avoiding behavior that I wouldn't participate in front of other people. And telling you guys about it, not out of punishment, but to get over this once and for all.
Very good post! To be accountable for what you do and to not hide it is the first step. I applaud your bravery. It’s hard to admit what we do sometimes when others are not around. Honesty is going to help you more than you know. Honesty with yourself and with others. I think you are definitely on the right track.
kudos to you for facing it. i am a firm believer that is the first step.
the second is to not hate yourself for it. imagine if this was a good friend of yours, or if it was Josh..what would you say to that person? Write THAT done. Say it to YOURSELF.
third - STOP. Make a rule for yourself - no eating in the car. Or, no eating packaged/fast food in the car. Force yourself to take a yogurt drink, or a fruit with you.
that’s as far as i’ve gotten in my own struggle.
*virtual hugs* to you honey. sounds like you need them!
xo
I think it’s fabulous that you’re sharing this. Soooo many people do this stuff and spend their lives ashamed. Maybe if more would be open about it, it would take away the shame, thus leading to real change!
Very honest post. And it’s really hard to do that, so thank you for sharing. It’s amazing how we let food have such control and power over us. Remember, no matter what, you can be the one in control; you always are the one in control, and letting go of the notion that food is powerful may help a lot. After all, it is just food, isn’t it?
Isn’t it interesting that it just IS NOT about eating too much? It’s about sneaking the food and waiting until you are alone because it tastes better and nobody can see you do it….It is about so much more than food.
I wish I could get past it myself but I still do it. And I don’t know why.
You soooo aren’t alone with this. I used to eat lunch in my car so no one would see what (and how much) I was eating. I’d get home and eat anything I could find, or what I’d bought during the day, before my husband got home and I made dinner.
You will move past it, this is the first step! You are amazing and strong, thanks for sharing. x
I signed on to your blog today because I too am having a cloud over my weightloss lately. Thank you for sharing your secrets. You are brave. And you are strong. People don’t recognize how hard it is to believe in yourself 100% of the time and to invest positively in yourself 100% of the time.
Even in this hiccup we can still found our way to make better choices for ourselves. Just try to listen harder to the voice in your head that says “You are worth it.” Because we are…
Thank you for sharing. Being honest with myself is key for me too. I write everything down - good and bad. Sometimes it is hard to write “bag of peanut m+ms…250″ but I do it. Good luck my friend, I too struggle with private eating. Every day I write my eats down is a win.
Cheers,
Trish
This so resonates for me. I started eating secretly as a child. The store of cookies in your sock drawer, so me. Only I hid things under bed. I, acutally, just posted about it on my fitness blog yesterday.
It’s hard to overcome, but you can do it. and you will. I admire you for your bravery for coming clean about it.
it’s going to be a first step in achieving your goals. It’s huge, admitting this. I have a friend that hides chips and snacks in her bedroom closet. She has gained a lot of weight over a few years time. Her self esteem affects her marriage, her friendships and her family relationships. Every picture she shows me of a beautiful vacation is followed by “Oh, I’m so fat here, I look terrible”. I say, “No, you look beautiful, you don’t look that big”. I’m lying to her because I don’t want to hurt her. Point is, she does look big and it was all her decision to sneak bad, salty, fatty foods behind her husband’s back. This is a BIG step for you. We all have our “things”, “vices”, we are all HUMAN. We all need enjoyment and satisfaction in life. But what is most important, above all else is our responsibility to our loved ones. Cancer risks increase with obesity, heart failures increase with obesity, diabetes increase with obesity. Those few people in our lives, that LOVE us completely, they deserve a healthy YOU. They’re the ones who worry, who want us to be healthy so that life can be an adventure, a fun adventure, they need their Best Friend around. 2010 is going to be your year. You have to do it for yourself. But also for the beautiful people in your life who want you to be healthy and happy. I lost the weight to get below a BMI of 22 for my height. I am now at the weight I was in college. I will never go back to gaining that 25 lbs I lost. I focus on my Love for my Loved ones. They need me here. The strongest weapon against weight loss is Your mind.
You are not alone. All of those things you talked about - I have done (I had a spoon for the ice cream though). It’s not easy, but you can overcome them and I admire you for talking about them and getting them out in the open. That’s a step in the right direction.
Snow and winter in general is very depressing for me and puts me into a funk, so I know how you feel. I thrive in sunshine - maybe I should move out of Ohio!!!
Stay motivated and be great!
Lorrie, thank you for posting this. I have been a secret eater for yearsssss. I am 41 now and have been eating in private since I was in my early teens. When I read your post I thought I was reading my story. Before now I thought I was alone with this problem, and now I see that Im not. Its a relief to know I am not alone, but it also makes me sad to know that other suffer with secret eating. You have inspired me to write about my own secret eating habit. Losing weight and keeping these struggles managable is a very hard thing. I understand, I really do. Keep your chin up sweetheart!
Dee <3
my FIRST THOUGHT when my husband leaves the apartment is ‘what can i eat?’ it’s… bizarre. especially because he’s as likely as i am to, say, suggest pizza, eat a whole batch of cookies or mix leftover frosting with peanut butter (so. embarrassing.) and eat it with a spoon. i started drinking diet soda again so i could feel like i was having a treat while he’s gone– which, now that i think about it, only reinforces the behavior.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Of course I knew that I wasn’t the only one who did some of these things, but there’s a reason no-one talks about it. It’s shameful and I think you are super brave for talking about it. Next time I feel like sneak-eating I will think of you and hopefully it will give me strength not to do it. Thanks again!!!
I totally understand when it comes to how easily it can all come back on. I know what to do to make it happen because I have done it before but boy is it a challenge. Staying accountable helps but it’s a process we have to work hard at forever. This year I hope to be able to get back to the good habits and stick with it.
Glad you shared!
It’s the winter doldrums. It’s that time of year where fresh air and sunshine days are few and far between. I have heard of other people refer to it as seasonal depression?
In any case, you recognize all of this and I just *know* that you will get out of your rut and triumph once again! You can do it!
~Kellie
Lorrie,
oh my god, I read each of your secrets and said “Yep, I’ve done/doing that.” I swear I thought I was the only one who hid the sweets in the underwear drawer in my closet. I’ve hid a plastic container full of doughnuts before and most recently bags of white chocolate reeses cups (they were quieter when I snuck into them when my husband was home). So, sad these little secrets are. I’m so proud you had the guts to say them outloud. This year I’m really trying to stop my secret eating. I wish us all strength in this new year to make ourselves into the people we always dreamed we’d be.
You’re not alone re eating in private. But you cut through the layers of shame and secrecy when you actually blogged about it. I’ve done many of the things you mentioned and reading it, recognising it, acknowledging it was quite confronting … but in a good way. I think you’re right - it has to be said, it has to be looked at for what it is. And I need to commit to only eating in public and make a promise to myself that I will not engage in secret eating anymore. I’ll think of you when I feel tempted and your post. Thank you.
This is an amazingly honest post, and I really appreciate you being so open with your issues. We all have them! You’re not alone at all. It’s really sad when you think of how many of us - especially women - have these same experiences with food that you wrote about here. The reason we feel embarrassed about these habits and experiences is because we stay silent… so thank you for voicing this for all of us!
Hi there,
your entry really hit home for me, Ive been overweight all my adult life and live a complete lie about my eating habits. eating in secret then feeling guilty over it the whole lot. Ive have taken a stand this week and made a very public annoucement about my change, ive dyed my haor a colour that i dont like to serve as a daily reminder to me that i cant go back to “myself” until the end of my journey.
I have decided to start a blog too a really honest account just like yours as a way of holding myself accountable.
thank you for your honesty and i will continue to read the rest of your journey - keep smiling, Rai x
just re-evaluate, and start again, don’t try and see it as a diet. When I have put on weight and then wanted to loose weight after having my kids I tried to see it as a life style change and wrote everything I ate down, dramatically cut down on my portion sizes and stocked up on diced carrots, celery and loads of veg to eat instead of the snacks, good luck and best wishes.
Thanks for sharing that, Lorrie. It’s really not an uncommon practice at all - I’ve definitely done most of the things you described and I also believe that secret eating/hiding food is at the core of the ‘problem’ with thinking about food and ourselves in a healthy way. That kind of behavior is steeped in shame and shame (for me) leads either to binging or starving - not to open, wholesome, enjoyable experiences. We’ll get through it one step at a time
WOW!!!! Great blog. We all do those little things that we are ashamed of and def. not around people…quite refreshing for reading about itand I thank you for that. For me I make these gross concotions and then eat them…like I attempt to make raw cookie dough??? And then secretly eat it…no one knows about this…my dh caught me once…and thought it was quite digusting….then I question why?????Why do I do this? I have an eating problem…I will eat great then I will binge…not a pretty word but it is what it is. Reading about your struggles helps thanks for this blog
Bravo! It took a lot to tell us that and I greatly appreciate it.
In the past I have hidden food too. Ate things and then hidden the wrapper in the bottom of the trash.
I have never gone to more then one fast food drive threw but I have gone to one on my way home, hidden the trash and then gone in and made dinner.
Thanks for your honesty. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Geneen Roth but “secret eating” is one area she talks alot about. I would recommend any of her books. Her work was the first I ever read that made me realize that I wasn’t crazy and other people besides me has unhealthy relationships with food.
I have the same problem! I secretly eat! And even when I eat in front of my husband, I eat even more than him! I used to love to drive through a drive-thru window when my husband would be out of town because it was a special treat for me. It’s a problem I also have to face.
I thought I was the only one who would do this. I haven’t done it in a while but I can very well remember doing the very same thing. I had a friend who did the same thing and we would go around to different fast food places together. I would even often find myself eating at night when everyone was asleep and hiding the evidence so no one could see it.
This is what all people who are morbidly obese need to admit. You dont get to weigh 290 lbs by “eating seconds” of your healthy dinner. It amazes me how many obese weight loss bloggers don’t talk about their disordered eating. Which is the only real way you can be 100 or 200 lbs overweight. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
I used to have an issue with eating in private. I never hid anything, but I would make sure I threw wrappers away before Nathan got in the car or keep candy at work and not bring it home. I think that’s why my food photo journal has been such an important part of my success. Usually when I’m not posting, that means that I’m not proud of what/how I’ve been eating. It’s all about accountability. Getting it out in the open. That totally impacts the decisions I make.
I love ya, girl. We all have food skeletons. We face them one at a time. I’m proud of you for bringing light to this one.
I have totally been there. Eating in the car was my big thing for me when I was suffering with my bulimia. I would go from one mcdonalds in one town to the next in the town over. And then vomit. It took me a long time to get over the eating in private and feeling guilty about it and I still have the temptation constantly all the time. You will get through it!!! and you WILL get beyond it!!! Good luck with everything
I just discovered your blog.
Thank you for your post about hiding food. It sounded so familiar it was scary. It is so wonderful and brave of you to share your struggles with weight loss.
Good luck in the new year.
I am addicted to food too….and I can certainly relate. It’s a daily battle, and one I will most likely need to fight for the rest of my life. I will say that I am still on my weight loss journey..,40 lb less than this time last year (still well over 200 lbs) but I did not do well in November and December and gained weight too. One thing that has helped me is to have a fitness goal–for me last year it was training for a triathelon. This was something totally out of my comfort zone–I still am so proud of myself for trying. I was certainly the fattest, most out of shape person in my group–but I was determined to improve the most….and I did. I found myself focusing on eating better and exercising, not to lose weight but to not feel ridiculous in the training group. The funny thing is I didn’t feel ridiculous in my group (after the first day or two) because I knew I was putting in my full effort and they recognized that too. I am now signed up for 1/2 marathon that I will be training for and a couple more triathelons. When I have a concrete goal I am working towards I tend to do better. They are specific dates that require a certain performance level. Because losing weight and feeling better, while an important goal, tends to be too open ended(at least for me)
Wow,I feel your pain! Food is a drug for some of us. We try our best to do the right things, but sometimes it gets the better of us. Don’t let it beat you! You’ve been here before and already know what it takes to get past this point. Do it! Not for your reader, not for Josh, but for YOU and YOUR HEALTH!
It’s brave of you to share, Lorrie. Acknowledging the issue is always the first step to addressing and getting rid of them. You’re an inspiration.
I came across your blog while looking for weight-loss inspiration. Good for you for being honest with yourself about your difficulties. Don’t worry, you’ll get to your goal if you keep being honest and start making changes toward being healthy in general (not just to lose weight). I’m currently on this journey myself and I am closer to reaching my goal than I have ever been. If you want some of my easy weight loss and healthy cooking tips, check out my blog at http://makeoverchef.blogspot.com Maybe they will help and inspire you
Best of luck to you. Don’t ever be discouraged from reaching your goals.
Hello, I just found your blog and love it. I too am overweight and need to lose 100+ lbs. I am tired of being the fat lady in the crowd! Good luck to you! You can do it!
Thank you so much for posting this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I was the same way. One day I took my clothes down to the basement (washer upstairs, dryer down) and when I came back up I was gasping for air and my legs were tired. I sat down on the couch and looked at my reflection in the black tv sitting across the room from me. I was tired, I was 20, I was overweight, and I was overwhelmed with the fact that weight loss is gradual and takes a lot of hard, hard work. I started making little changes..I know you know all about this but I just want to share. I stopped buying soda. Then I stopped buying ice cream. I worked out, even if it was just walking, every night before dinner and found that I would eat less cuz my body was coming down off the exercise high I had put it on. I stopped eating after dinner. Soon I realized, the less I ate sweets and fried foods….the less I craved them. I would drive buy a mcdonalds for once and not contemplate whether or not to pull in. I was getting stronger, willpower and physical strength. Next thing I knew, my jean were fitting better and when my alarm clock went off I actually got up without hitting snooze 10 times. This was 3 years ago…and 103 pounds ago. I am now trying to get my last 40 pounds off and boy is it tough. I started reading your blog about 2 weeks ago and I have to say I really like your honesty and you in general. Please keep your head up and push forward. Again, I want to say thank you for posting the blog about sneaking food and weird habits…I was there, I know
Thank you SO much for this. I’ve done some of the same things in my car and I feel shameful over it. While it’s nice to know I’m not the only one, it hurts me to think that other people *know* that pain. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to confess it as a means to move forward.
Keep your head up, I can totally relate to the eating in private thing. I have started doing things like packing a lunch and taking it to the park…eating on a bench outside my building instead of in my office…
Above all, I think you are absolutely beautiful, and brave as hell for putting yourself out in the world on a blog. If you have the courage to openly the thing that is holding you back, you can accomplish any goal you set.
I finally had to decided I couldn’t lose the weight on my own. I needed the support of others who know stuff like how it feels to hide food or how to put on 10 outfits because they all make me feel bad. So I joined Weight Watchers, others who have been or am where I am and are making steps to change. Maybe more support might help you to.
Hi Lorrie,
I just found your blog this evening. Good for you for posting this entry. I’m another one who eats in private. I moved into a new house and broke up with my significant other in November, so unfortunately I have lots of private time, and I’ve made some bad food choices along the way.
Confession is good for the soul, and I think you can see from all of us who’ve commented that you’re far from alone. Thank you so much for having the courage to post this.
Great post, you’ve really opened yourself up to your readers here. I bet you feel a lot better for having got this problem out in the open and off your chest.
Thank you so much for your honesty. It means the world. It’s a huge thing to share so openly and you need to know that no one takes it lightly. So thank you.
I came over from Fat Bridesmaid and just wanted to comment. Five years ago I joined weight watchers and one of my issues was and still is what I call “sneak eating”. The stopping to get a value meal before meeting up with a group of people and then eating with them an hour later because someone suggested it. The standing in the kitchen eating another brownie before anyone else can see me eat anything so it looks like I haven’t eaten anything. I understand totally. I have been there. I have eaten an entire dozen of doughnuts in my car without anyone knowing until the package was found under the seat by my husband cleaning out my car. It is embaressing. But you can work on it. I have tried the perspective of not ever eating in my car (or at least alone in my car). It was a weakness spot. I also can’t eat in the kitchen by myself. Because that is where I would sneak eat. Just try one step at a time. Have faith in yourself! HUGS
Wow! None of us can feel alone with our secret eating after reading these comments. After 3 years of losing weight and becoming much more healthy, I still have episodes where I buy sweets, hide them and eat in private. The quantity is no where as large as before, the frequency is way less than before - but the behavior is still there. Reading your posts and the comments have inspired me to tackle this head-on. No more hiding! Not even one regular size candy bar or a couple of cookies. Thanks for your honesty, Lorrie. I am here for the first time via FB and I will make your blog a regular read. I know you can beat this habit and achieve your goals!! We all can!
I saw a link to this post on FB’s blog and wanted to stop by to show support & empathy. I am also going to add you to my google reader. We’re travelling a similar journey, and can use all the support we can get! Keep your chin up!
Oh Lorrie, I cried when I read this post. I cried out of understanding and sisterhood because boy oh boy have I ever been there and done that.
It gets better once you let go of the shame. Who gives a rat’s ass if someone sees a large person eating… everyone eats. We kinda have to.
I struggle with very similar issues and have decided that from now on I am letting go of the shame. I am not apologizing to society anymore for being overweight. The only person I have apologized to is myself (and my body for not loving and accepting it as is.)
You are an amazing, creative, beautiful woman with a superb heart. And that is why people keep coming back to read your blog, not your caloric intake nor your lbs gained or lost.
We are ALL here for you.
Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how reassuring it is to know that I’m not the only one who has eaten in private out of depression, fear, and shame. I admire you tremendously for admitting it and moving forward against the fear. Good luck to you!
Fast food, I can relate to that. In my mind, I even focused on the dollar menus because I was spending so little to get satisfied, how could it hurt? Five bucks, five items - cheeseburger, fries, ice cream, drink, onion rings. I hardly noticed the money being out of my purse or account. I hardly noticed I was eating a thousand calories or so. It’s easy to hand over the debit card. Rationalizations continue to haunt me. I have to work out my relationship to food in my head to make it sane when it translates to what I do.
I can totally relate to what you are going through. Secret eating something I have really struggled with. It really comes down to letting go of our old self and mastering our minds. We are really stronger that we know. Sometimes we need help seeing that.
Apparently, the food zombie bit several of us because I inhaled a full sized bag of potato chips last night, even thought I’d never normally let potato chips in my house.
I’m convinced that manufactured food is so full of crappy, ADDICTIVE chemicals that is aiding and abetting the binge and overeating behaviors so many of us experience and try to avoid.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but appreciate that you’ve put it out there. Hope in the days since you’ve posted this, you’ve found hope.
Thank you so much for your post today. I struggle with this all of the time but have noticed it more and more lately. I have a tendancy to bring my breakfast with me to work (starting out with the best intentions) but if I have a few extra minutes and/or a few extra dollars, I debate with myself all the way to work about whether I should stop at a fast food place for breakfast (beacause it tastes better than what I brought). I have also found myself lately stopping at a fast food place for french fries and a drink on my way home (where dinner will be ready within 30 minutes or so) and I stop at the trash can that we keep outside of the house to dump the evidence because I could never admit that I had just eaten right before I would be eating dinner. My husband is very loving and supportive but I know that any rational person would know this is wrong so I still try to hide it from him. I think my secret eating started out innocently enough. I was allowed to bring snacks into my room while watching tv as a kid and when I was older, no one was home to monitor my after school “snacking” which was followed by eating a full dinner with my mom when she got home from work. These bad habits have lived on for a long time for me (20+ years) so I guess I feel like I don’t have any control over them, although deep down, I know I do.
Ok. I am so there with ya. Funny thing is, I work at the local YMCA teaching cycling, strength, nutrition classes, and showing people how to use different equipment. This year alone I gained 22 pounds bringing my weight back to 230. Like I don’t know how to lose the weight or how to exercise or how to even eat right. What a place to be the “thick girl” which is what I was called today. I have no motivation and absolutely no accountability. I do the same eating in the car and hiding things. My daughter caught me eating doritos today and totally called me out on it.
A few years ago I went from 248 to 187. I want to be that again, but how? It’s not so much being thinner and prettier, it’s more of getting this dang monkey off my back so that I can quit obsessing over weight.
I read a book not to long ago I think it was called “Why I overeat”. Ok so I did’nt read much of it but I did read enough to figure out what triggered my habbits. When I was a kid, we did’nt have alot of money. So when mom went to the grocery store it was a big event. If she did buy any kind of snack food it was basically the survial of the fittest. I being the youngest, was usually left with nothing and you never knew when you’d get any junk food again. So I think that is why I hide food from my kids and my husband. We by all means are alright finacally, but I still have the same feelings that if I don’t eat all of the reeses cups, I’ll never have another one again in my life.
Great post, TOTALLY relate.
I don’t know why some of have this in our DNA.
Private eating started for me in college *right* after I had lost some weight over the summer. I had an internship where I would have to leave the office and do errands a lot and I always,always bought packaged carby sweets) Did the same thing through the rest of college. After one job I would go get food (pizza, tuna sub) for my car commute home.
Hmm, what else… I have totally eaten a pint of ice cream without a spoon — like squeezing it out of the pint into my mouth. I mean I can’t tell you how many “solo” pints of ice cream I’ve gone through in my life.
I will sometimes buy groceries and hide some of the things in a large purse and sneak them. I guess in a way it’s colored my whole life. At first it’s a fun thrill, but after eating beyond comfort to fullness — such an eating hangover.
I have also had to re-buy larger sizes from gaining weight back. ;(
So just want to let you know you are lovely and you should just lose as much weight to feel comfortable. You are super pretty — if you even lose enough to be active feel good, that’s all you need to do.
Oh my girl…thank you for sharing. This will be the first step, to admit to it. Now you have some accountability.
I have bought two fast food breakfast sandwiches and contemplated buying two drinks so the cashier didn’t think the two sandwiches were for me. Why do we care what these people think of us? We should care more about what we think of ourselves!
Sometimes I would get in the zone, like a zombie and it didn’t seem like there was anything I could do to stop it. My car just drove me to the fast food joint or I grabbed 3 more chocolates in the break room (but only if no one is watching.
I think the theme is judgement. Either fear of being judged or self judgement.
Keep on keepin’ on
Betty
wow…thank you for being so candid. I could have written that myself, as I have done the things you mentioned. “it’s what you don’t see me eating that is the key to my weight issues” so true…
What I discovered is that I need to make sustainable changes to my lifestyle. The key word is sustainable. I have tried just about every diet out there, but always give up because I become bored. Inevitably I end up gaining all of the weight that I have lost back.
I am on a new program now that I believe is the last diet I will ever do. It is all about making sustainable changes to my habits. Small changes over time that become part of my lifestyle. The diet is called You Forever Slim. It makes a lot of sense, and isn’t full of diet gimmicks. Check it out…
http://www.youforeverslim.com/
I am just starting my weight loss journey (again) and found your blog.
I look forward to reading more and to hopefully becoming truthful with myself about what caused me to get to this point.
In peace,
Christina
Hi. I wanted to recommend a book to you called “Confessions of a Carb Queen.” It’s been in print for awhile as I remember seeing it in the bookstore before, but never got a chance to read it until last week. It was a really good read for me because I can TOTALLY relate to the author’s journey to weight loss, and I think you can, too. Maybe you’ve read it already, but if you haven’t, you definitely should. The author talks about making her “rounds” from one fast food place to another, following the little rules she has made up such as:
- finish the food before arriving at the next fast food place.
- never order a combo, even if it’s cheaper. I can’t drink 12 glasses of soda and definitely can’t drink it fast enough before getting to the next stop. Plus it’s harder to hide cups because you can’t crush them like a paper bag.
- hide the empty bag and wrappers under the front passenger seat so nobody can tell what I’m doing.
- when ordering a last meal say “WE would like,..” or “I want this and my FRIEND wants to order this” so they think it’s just me eating everything.
It’s a really great book. I agree with you that being honest to yourself is an important step, and outing yourself will also keep you honest.
GOOD FOR YOU!
- When ordering a big mea
I think you are so cool for rejecting the standard notions of diet fare, and for being on the side of real, good food.
I may not be overweight anymore, but I still have a huge struggle with shame over eating. In the deeper troughs of my bulimia cycles, I’ve done way worse than George’s eclair scenario.
I want to say that you’ve motivated me to address this self-destructive shame that so many people face in various ways. It may take some therapy (fun, fun) but I want to accept my relationship with food, let go of the past, and stop being aggravated by what I think other people think of me.
I hope you stay positive, and stay cool.
Lorrie
How brave of you to write this post. I can sense the honesty and the fear in this post. One which I can identify… I mean,I don’t eat in private but I do feel defeated by my behavior when it comes to food. I hate feelign defeated.
You’ll get right back on the horse. I have no doubt. I think alot of us are feeling the funk due to the weather. It’s just so challenging to be “gung ho” when its freezing and ice out side.
Hang in there girl. I know you’ll be back to your 22 skirts in no time.
Good luck! Read your blog for the very first time today! I’m starting my journey…again. I know what your feeling with the secret eating. In my mind, it was almost like that food didn’t count or exist because no one saw me eating it. Been through countless Drive thru’s ordering more that one drink so they won’t think it’s all for me. So sad isn’t it. Well, this is a new year for me, a new life. A vow to make this the year of me…….
Oh my God. What a wonderful and brave post. And as it’s been said already, “I hear ya girl. I have so been there.”
My dirty little secret? Since my pre-teen years (I’m now 31), I have gone through my own bouts of binge eating but I call places that deliver and order enough food to feed a family and even while ordering- I’ll act like I’m taking people’s orders or talking to someone, so the person on the other line “really knows” its not all just for me.
We have to share our secrets. It’s the only way to break free from them. Good luck on your journey.
I’ve been struggling in my own battle to lose weight, so I did a search for other weight loss blogs and ended up on yours. I too, am a closet eater, so I understand so much of what you wrote here. I also have serious issues with food and a very unhealthy relationship with it. I eat when I’m down, when I’m grieving, when I’m happy - almost every emotion is somehow tied to food.
I hope writing about your issues helps you overcome them - I hope the same thing for me.
wow. this really hits home. i recently went vegetarian so the fast food stops are much less frequent - but the secret eating - yeah, that’s me. i guess i’ve led myself to believe that i was the only one that does this. it’s nice to see your entry - and the comments from others and realize that i’m not alone on this. i really hope you make your goals.
One blog coming clean is a great start. I’m going to suggest Overeaters Anonymous. It is a group of your peers who have been exactly where you are. They learn from each other how to meaningfully and permanently change their destructive behavior. Just a suggestion. Wishing you all the best.
I can totally relate to the binge eating and multiple fast food restaurant stops.
I am trying desperately to loose weight and am determined not to quit trying. I found a book “The Beck Diet Workbook” and it focuses on retraining your habits. You actually don’t focus on the diet part until 3-4 weeks in. First you focus on retraining yourself on how you view eating and it gets you in a good mindset to be successful.
It has been very helpful for me so far.
Are you in therapy? And I don’t say that to be trite. This stuff is really really hard to work through on your own, and even though your blog is a source of strength and comfort, not only for you, but for readers, these habits are deep seated. We can only do so much for ourselves, and whatever is there that is causing you to eat in secret, will be there even after you lose the weight.
I recommend having fruit everywhere, it helps me, every time I’m hungry I have a tangerine, sometimes (most times) its really really hard but it helps!
emma, where can I find over eaters anonymous?
I just read through all of the comments and felt compelled to leave one. Not only your confession but also the other 60+ comments made me feel hopeful and as though I am not alone. I have been a secret eater since some time in high school. I actually lost a lot of weight in high school and then my secret eating and binge eating escalated and I gained 40+ pounds. I still long to have the body I did back in hs. Even though I know that is not possible right now. Anyway, I remember the first time I secretly ate. It was after a concert I went to with my mom I said I was going to stay up a bit later because I wasn’t tired and once I thought she was in bed and possibly sleeping it began. I was so scared I would get caught. From there the secret eating just escalated. I did it all through college and it wasn’t until 2 years after college that I decided I needed help. I had never been caught up until that point (at least never confronted). I told my husband and cried because I felt so much shame. I saw a counselor and figured out the true issue and it stopped dead in its tracks. I have only told one friend and my parents since then. None of them ever ask me about it. It is so tabu. I am now much better than I was before but still have a ways to go. I still have 20 pounds to lose and still sneak eat about 2-3 times a week. It is much smaller, sneaking a piece or two of candy, cleaning out the brownie batter bowl, buying a hot chocolate and hiding the cup etc. I am happy they are now smaller things but still it is shameful and I am sneaking it. Thanks for bringing this up you have allowed me to recommit myself to my healing. I am vowing to now sneak eat, if I want to have something in secrecy I am just going to have it in front of someone so that that stigma is lost. Thanks so much for you post. I highly recommend counseling, there is much more shame in your behavior than seeking help. It truly does help and is worth the time and money.
@saray
There are also online forums and live chats. You can even be assigned a virtual sponsor or in-person sponsor in your local chapter. It actually mirrors Alcoholics Anonymous in many respects and is a very credible organization and means of dealing with binge eating disorders.
@saray
The site for overeaters anonymous is http://www.oa.org/.
Hello, i just had to comment…I was reading this and thought “did I write this”. i have done the same exact things and we are so alike, almost scarey, and i thought I was alone in my madness!
Thank you. I’m crying at my computer. Your battles are not yours alone. I have eaten in my car, hidden food, binged when my husband wasn’t looking. We will over come it. I’m so glad I found your blog!
Thank you for posting this! I have done the same thing more times that I care to remember. Secret eating is always my downfall. My now live-in boyfriend is helping me with this in so many ways, but being able to talk openly about it is so hard.
Good luck!
Thanks for sharing this. I’m trying to lose weight and generally get healthier and so far all the trying has just highlighted what a mixed up relationship with food I have. Secret eating is not something my husband knows I do, but when I’m on the road it gets out of control because it can. Anyway, it’s nice to know others understand.
I hear you on this. I really admire the way you word your truths, even if it may be of some comfort that you may not know all your readers. I only just found this blog today. I was thinking of opening my own, thinking if I keep track of everything it would be easier to not slip. I have to admit that I am intimidated. Looking at so many peoples completed blogs makes me feel like starting fresh is a bigger undertaking than I realized. I guess that’s one of those self destructive perception things. =) I just wanted to say keep on keeping on. Just reading some of your blog has shaped my day and future already. Thank you! <3Charlie
Oh man, some of the habits you described were me to a “T”. Especially 1) the going to different fast food places and getting foods so that one person wouldn’t think I was getting all that food for just me and 2) when people used to pass by in my car, I’d pretend to not be eating.
Oh and have you ever tried this one? If you didn’t feel like making multiple trips to different places, just pretend to be on the phone ordering for your friend or groups of friends? So then the person who was taking your order thought, “Oh she is getting all this food for her friends back home”. Yep, I’ve done that one too.
Luckily, I’ve been fast food free for 3 months now. In the past 18 months, I’ve dropped 82 pounds but I still have a LONG road ahead of me. I still make mistakes and I still get in funks, much like you were describing in this posting. Keep your chin up and hang in there. You’re doing fantastically.
Remember, we may take a step back but that means we must take two steps forward. Use this funk as your motivation!
Maybe overeaters anonymous would be helpful?
Sometimes we need more help than just blogging about it.
OA would be a good place to start.
What a wonderful, raw post! I just found your blog, trying to find inspiration to (yet again) lose the weight. I am sitting here, reading diet blogs, eating Baked Lays out of the bag. Yes. No one else is home, of course. I wouldn’t be eating if someone was here. Good to know I’m not the only “sneak” eater out there. I’ve bookmarked you, and will be following your journey, while embarking on my own. Best of luck! And now, I’m going to take my dogs for a walk
I just came across your blog too, i’m not sure how actually lol.
I can understand how you feel too. I lost weight and was 175, and in the past year I have gone up to 190 again. I know how I did it, but at the same time I don’t. It’s extremely frustrating. To me, too, 15 pounds is a lot of weight and the thought of needing to lose it all over again - it can get disheartening. :/
But what I also loved about your post here was the honesty inside of it. It’s okay to say these things out loud - in fact, it’s needed. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy - you’re a beautiful girl and I wish you all the luck! <3