what am i waiting for?

The dreaded photo shoot wasn't so bad after all. I sometimes (er a lot of the time) tend to make mole hills out of ant hills and I end up regretting how I react in certain situations. So, lets be honest, I was dreading it because I am fat and the extra attention on my appearance makes me want to hide under my covers. Which got me to thinking about me and life and people. I know that is vague, but I wonder if we (me and anyone else) avoid situations on some unconscious level because we are insecure about our weight? I mean, some things are obviously avoided because of my weight. Like mountain climbing or horse back riding. But, there must be many more things that are uncomfortable to me that I avoid doing on a day to day basis.

I think about comfort a lot, as I tend to try to avoid it, but really being overweight and staying overweight is about creating an environment where I feel safe and secure. I tend to avoid things where I don't feel like less of a person. There are day to day things that I cannot avoid that give me anxiety. Riding in a train is one of them. I hate sitting on trains and actually have seats that I prefer to sit in towards the end of the train because I feel like its less obvious that I'm taking up one and a fourth seats- preventing someone from sitting down. I get embarrassed when someone sits beside me and I feel my thighs tightened as to avoid touching the person beside me. It is agony.

I don't have much of a social life in NY other than my co-workers and when I did adventure out once or twice on my own to make friends, I felt self-conscious and weird. I know that there are over weight people that are type a personalities and I envy them at times. It's hard to make friends when you are a type b personality, who is insecure about her weight and slighty at times (overly) quirky. I can sometimes mask my social weirdnesses and blend in and enjoy myself around new people. I put on a false-confident "I am fabulous and people like me" front and I get by. But it never feels real. Going out of my comfort zone today, was very hard when it was happening, and yet very empowering and rewarding afterwards. Which has me wondering about my comfort zones. I make excuses for not doing things, and not meeting new friends. They are like this: they won't like me, what do normal people talk about?, I don't feel well, I have too much to do, I should clean the house, it's easier to stay home.

There were fifteen of us who had our picture taken today and it was obvious who was comfortable with the situation and who was not. The ones that were very camera friendly, could be described as very likable/comfortable/secure happy people. And it makes me disappointed that I am not more at ease with smiling or being more open and warm. It was hard to have someone do my makeup while saying "i've done everyones makeup, even celebrities, trust me I can do your makeup so much better". Gee thanks. And then the hair stylist insisting that he put more "oomph" in my limp hair. I don't deal well with superficial people, or people who buy things just because of social status reasons or spend great deals of time on their looks to fit in or impress people. But, perhaps my semi-(extreme?) apathy about my own looks is not the way to go either? The thing about living in NYC, is that more people than not are very attractive. And it is sometimes disheartening for the ugly duckling.

I am looking forward to seeing the pictures and will share them as soon as I get them back. Other than my initial weirdness about the whole thing, it was good and I'm glad I got to have a real photo shoot in NYC, with makeup artists and hair stylists and a professional photographer. I got to pretend to be a (plus-sized) model for a day. I will defiantly write more about this whole comfort zone stuff as I feel like I'm onto something.

Also, on my walk in Manhattan I found a boutique that was going out of business. They had those great quote magnets that I love on sale, so I bought the one that reads "What are you waiting for?" for the refrigerator. I really love that.

So, eating wasn't too good today as we had food at the shoot, so I dipped into flex. And I'm okay with that, thats what flex points are for. I'd also like to note that the tall skim milk iced caramel macchiato (sp?) has only 140 calories and 1 gram of fat. Pretty good, right? And so very tasty.

How many days can I go?

I have been hesitent to even blog about this, because of my track record of well, being less than consistent. But, I can't not blog about what I'm doing or trying to do, just because I have given up in the past. I've added a twitter on my side bar with my current weight loss goal.
Right now I am working on a challenge to be on plan for 30 days straight. Of course, I want to keep going past that, but that is a short term goal to help me with another goal that I can live with.

Right now, I am in day three of my on-plan challenge and am working on a 5 day workout challenge. I copied the sticker system from Krissie. The sticker is a very powerful tool! haha

Things are a bit stressful in my work life right now, that if I could I would probably have vented about here. But, alas that would probably make things more stressful. So, I'll leave it at that.

I've updated a lot of my subpages on the side bar. Even, inspiring blogs. I'm looking to add more blogs into my rotation, but I pretty much left blogs that are about weight loss, that inspire me, and so forth.

I know I have a lot of weight to lose past 240, but right now 240 is glorious. I'm thinking about making an inspirational board to hang on my bedroom wall. Better yet, for the kitchen.

Anyhow, I have a photo shoot today for work that is why I am blogging at 6 something am. A photo shoot. That sounds glamorous right? I'm not too excited about right now.

Book Review: Sexy in 6, by Tracey Mallett

A few weeks ago I was asked to review a book and noticed from my daily blog reading, I wasn't the only one. I've mentioned this book a couple of times lately in my posts, without an actual review of it. Sexy in 6 is the name of the book by author and fitness expert Tracey Mallett. I have to say that I had two initial reactions to the title of the book. The first one being skeptical as the title suggests that I can lose weight quickly. My second reaction was that I admittedly liked the idea of becoming sexy in 6 minutes.

Anyhow, I did a little research on Tracey; she has been in the fitness world for over 20 years, she has two children (causing her initial 55lb. weight gain), she has a snazzy British accent, she is a personal trainer and life coach. Tracey is very likable and so is her book, despite the black and white photos. I'm not against the whole "lose weight quickly" mantra so long as it's not trying to convince me that I can lose obscene amounts of fat in a month. Because really, right now, I'm in the lose weight as slowly as possible lane which is similar to not losing weight at all. Which really needs to change. Tracey believes that with her plan you can lose up to 25lbs. in 6 weeks.

Sexy in 6 is filled with customizable body-type workout routines that you can do in 6 minutes throughout the day. In the morning, after lunch and in the evening. Or all at once. You don't even have to have a gym membership to follow her fitness plan. All you need are few sets of free weights, a body ball, mat, sneakers and music. I wondered why it is only six minutes in spurts throughout the day and could that really be effective. She believes that you don't need to spend huge chunks of time during the day to see results, Tracey's claim is that you can spread the time out over the day in small concentrated bursts of exercise. Tracey also believes anyone can spare six minutes a couple of times a day to workout.


My least favorite parts about the book:

1) The black and white photos. I like color, I just do.

2) The writing and book style are a bit too cosmo-girl esque for me. Or, too stressful in the sense that women are so freakin' busy that they have to work out in small chunks throughout the day. I like to keep my life as stress-free as possible.

3) The small chunks of time- work out theme, this really depends on the person and Tracey does suggest that you can get your work out done all at once, but I like to get things over with in one go when it comes to exercise. I can't see wanting to sweat more than once a day (I will sweat) and have to keep going in and out of workout mode. Again, the 6 minute thing could be good for other people.

My favorite parts about the book:

1) Its an easy and quick read. When it comes to fitness books, I have the attention span of a gnat. Often they say things like "please read everything" and I'm like "come on! get to the important parts!"

2) Tracey provides upbeat music suggestions and explains how music can be a huge success factor in a fitness routine. I have to agree here, I really hate watching TV while I work out. Josh on the other hand does, and I can see the appeal. Especially for people like us who are (by choice) sans cable. But, I won't lie, I can go longer and work harder on the treadmill if I have Rihana or Beyonce playing in my ear. I just have to pretend like I'm not dancing on the treadmill.

3) The book comes with an exercise DVD! There are a lot of pages with exercises in the book that I find a little overwhelming and tedious. I have a hard time imagining myself balancing on a ball while flipping the page for my next exercises. The DVD makes things easier.

4) The diet advice. I have gone back and forth with Tracey's nutritional and diet plan over the past couple of weeks. It is based on portion control instead of calorie counting. With the focus on real (unprocessed) foods. The portions are as follows: seven proteins (1 oz. lean meat, one egg, or two egg whites are one serving), three servings of dairy (1 cup skim milk, 1 oz. low fat cheese etc.), 4 fruits, 5 grains (1/2 cup brown rice, 1 small potato, 1 slice whole grain bread or 2 slices diet bread, 1/2 cup beans etc.), 3 fats (1tsp. oil, or small amounts of fat from other foods such as natural peanut butter. ex: 1 tbls. natural peanut butter would be 1 protein and 1 fat serving), and unlimited vegetables. You can also have up to four treats a week in the form of 4oz. or wine, 4 hershey kisses etc. The plan is simple with no calorie counting, which I like. It is basic nutritional advice without telling us that we should find ways to fit junk foods in our daily lives to make it more livable. I'm starting to understand that daily and weekly indulgences are not occasional indulgences.

5) It is very motivational. I really feel that Tracey is no-nonsense when it comes to diet and exercise. Which can be uncomfortable for someone like me who uses denial and excuses on a daily basis to cope with my excess weight. There are great tips and quotes that provide insight as well as motivation. Her book helped me to decide that losing weight in the long run feels a lot better than trying to fit all of my favorite junk foods into my daily life. I am now 280 lbs. and I've started picturing 240. I've been 240 and it felt a lot better! I can actually feel it happening, and that feeling, feels so much better than eating desserts. In the long run, it really does.

6) Exercise tips for better sex. Kegels, women, kegels. Thats all I'm saying.


Click here for Tracey's website.

Click here for the Amazon.com link.

New energy

I got the day off from work (hoorah) due to the first snow storm of the year. I'm taking this day to figure out a game plan. As in, what the hell do I need to do to achieve my goals? I already know the answers, I need a plan of action. A no-fail zone. And then, most importantly I need action.

Today I am cleaning out the apartment in hopes to renew the energy around here. I hoard things, and its sad. I just went through one of about 3 (or four) huge stacks of magazines. I'm getting rid of anything I do not use, or wear or do not absolutely love or need. Bulky beaded necklaces from two years ago? out. excessive magazine hoarding? out. clothes that are either too big, too small or I do not wear? out. horrible 70's thrift store finds from college? out. ugly fabric I will never sew with? out.

Wish me luck! See you tomorrow.

little pink hearts

Happy Valentine's Day blog-land. Okay, its technically 18 minutes past Valentine's day. Better late than never I say. I've had a bit of wine this evening which is making it hard to fall asleep.

Before I tell you what I ate today, I want to celebrate a small victory yesterday. I've been feeling very funky lately, which is not uncommon for me. I tend to get into "funks" very easily. Its something I'm working on. Yesterday, tired of my funkiness or un-funkiness I googled "how to get out of a funk" and I found some great articles. Go ahead, give it a try. I'll wait.

The most common advice across the board was "exercise even if you don't want to" and so thats what I did. I didn't want to, but I did. I got in the shower, put on my clothes, asked Josh to go with me. And there we went at 7:30 pm, off to the gym. We did an hour on the treadmill.

It really helped me to get out of my head and out of my funk. The funk is back today, but I've got some wine and dark chocolate for that. Also, another tip for those prone to funks like me: smile. Even if you don't feel like it, just smile and tell yourself that you refuse to feel anything, but happiness.

I had a lovely Valentine's day with the Josh. He picked me up at work and we walked to the nearest French restaurant. Oh, sigh. It was so good:

eggplant and caviar on baguette
champaign
french bread and olive oil
fish soup with garlic spread, cheese and croutons
fillet mignon with truffles and baby vegetables
chocolate molten cake with vanilla icecream
and a little bags of gourmet chocolates to go (which latest about 5 steps out of the restaurant)

We also stopped into the local wine shop on our way home and the lady suggested pinot nior, so we had some of that with dark chocolate, an episode of flight of the concords and then some nice lovin' (not that you wanted to know that part.)

Josh and Saint Valentine you are so good to me.

The truth about weighing 280 lbs.

The scale reads 281.5 today. I've been steadily counting my points for the past couple of days and recording it in the food log. Yesterday was a pretty lazy day: blog reading, movie watching, food cooking and a grocery delivery. I had some truth knocked into me about my weight, something I know I've talked about before. And it is:

If I'm not losing weight at my weight (as heavy as I am), I'm not doing it right. Which is so obvious. I like to use water weight as an excuse, but the truth is, if I'm not watching what I eat and how much I eat of it there is a lot of room for imaginary health. We all know this. I've lost weight before so I know I do not have an impairment. It's not a mystery as to why I have not gone lower than 273 in the past year. Its just not. Lack of consistency is a huge reason for that.

I also know that on Thursday is will be one year until I marry (the most lovely of people) and if I keep making excuses and keep thinking about losing weight, I will still be the same size that I am today. I actually pictured myself going through the dress process and wishing that I would have done this now. I would feel disappointed in myself. I don't want to feel that way, and not just for my wedding, but for life. I really really don't want to be in my 40's and 50's with health problems and think "I should have stopped this in my 20's".

The truth is, weight loss gets uncomfortable after awhile. I start getting antsy and wonder if I'm doing the right things even if I am losing weight. I also start getting too proud of small accomplishments. Every pound is a little more confidence and a little too much reassurance that its normal to eat too much junk.

Another truth is that on Weight Watchers I take the "eat what you want" mantra too far. I try to shove too many foods that I crave into all of my points slots leaving me little flexibility and it starts looking less that a diet. I came up with an idea while talking about this stuff with Josh last night. Why not eat as healthful as possible while counting points and have the extra points for dinners and random food happenings. That is the point of weight watchers, but I never looked at it that way. I look at it as the non-diet diet, which is what they are touting, but what am I learning when I'm still eating foods that trigger more cravings? The book that I have been reading for review (Sexy in Six), has a very simple diet: 7 servings of protein (1oz. lean meat or one egg is one serving), 5 servings whole grains (1/2 cup brown rice, one slice of whole wheat bread), 4 servings of fruit, unlimited vegetables, three fats, 4 dairy, and a treat in the form of wine or dark chocolate.

I want to strive to eat more like that, while counting my points. I know that I am sensitive to white flours and sugar. For example, I made and ate three mini pancakes with syrup. I then passed out for a two hour nap.

I know I've said it before and I'll probably keep saying it every single day. Is that I am choosing me. I'm choosing a new attitude about my health.

Thank you + moving forward

Thank you blog friends for the kind comments on my last entry. They are genuinely appreciated and so very helpful. Sometimes I forget how therapeutic the process of writing is. It's so reassuring to know that we are not alone.

I got on the scale this morning and it read 284. Bah, I say. I was 281 yesterday. Proof that the scale sucks and so does water weight. I weigh every day. I should really put the scale up, its in the living room right now and it calls out to me in the mornings. On my trip from the bathroom to the kitchen. Its the halfway point, and grossly I feel the best trip to weigh in on.

Today was pretty great and if I'm going to walk a lot, it might as well be in Manhattan. We started in China Town then headed to SOHO then to Greenwich Village and finally we landed in Union Square. We ate some damn fine food which I'll get to in a moment.

I started the day off with two 100 calorie granola bars. Thats the thing about 100 calorie anything with me, I can never have just one. Ever, never, ever. Okay, I probably could if I had about 20% more self-control. Don't you wish you could buy self-control at the store, right next to discipline, self-esteem and willpower?? Then I ate half of a chocolate rice cake, not sure why I only ate half. I wasn't totally convinced I wanted it to begin with. And around noon-ish I made a grilled cheese which consisted of: 2 whole grain bread slices, 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, and one tablespoon unsalted butter (god help me and my love for unsalted real butter.)

So back to city food. In Greenich village we stopped in at a Mexican place with really busy decor. We ordered: chips and salsa, one chicken burrito and one order of chicken quesadillas. We went half on everything. If you ask me how many calories I think it was I would say about 1,100 (each) for everything. Thats a lot, right? We continued to walk which made my legs hurt, but thats okay because the trips to Anthropologie, CB2 and Barnes and Noble made the leg pain disappear magically. When we finally made it to Union Square we stopped in at Tisserie which has been tempting me for a very long time. Of course, they have a lot of delicious looking European desserts. We both had a 55% cacao organic Venezuelan walnut brownie (that sounds really snobby, those aren't my fancy words.) It had ganache icing on top. I apologize for even talking about that thing in my diet blog, but it really. was. amazing. Thats a total of about 2,340 calories for the day, and that my friends is a good example of how to eat well, but not to make the scale go down. However, we did walk a lot possibly 7 miles and there were stairs!

How the day could have been better food wise:
For breakfast I should have eaten something filling like oatmeal (not the sugar-laden kind that I love) or eggs and whole wheat toast. This would have taken away my craving for grilled cheese.
At the Mexican restaurant we could have shared the chicken burrito, which I didn't feel was all that bad. It didn't have any cheese or sour cream in it. Just chicken, wrap, rice and pinto beans. We could have gotten salads to make it more filling instead of the chips and salsa. Oh, how I love chips and salsa. Finally, we really and truly could have shared the brownie.

And thats why I'm doing this, reminders, lessons, hints. There are always better options, right?

I don't feel guilty at all, I can only get better.

Not Yesterday, But Today

Blogs are weird. I've had about a billion things going on in my head for the past week that I'm not sure exactly where to start. It's easier for me to blog when I've made my mind up about something and I'm documenting it, or when I feel like I'm doing things worth sharing. Its hard for me to write when I'm considering what I'm doing.

I've been considering heavily, every day without action "what am I doing?". I am so indecisive that sometimes its hard for me to decide what truly feels right to me. The frequent questions are: "where am I headed?", "what do I really want?", "how do I really feel?" and finally "what am I doing?"

I've been using this blog for over a year now to document my various forms of weight-loss. Here is what I know to be true starting from the time that I moved to NY and then started this blog:

1) Before I moved to nyc, I lived in huntington wv. I quit college pre-maturely due to lack of enthusiasm, too many bills and a huge question mark over my head as to what I should do next. I found a temporary job that was nothing short of horrendous and ate. I ate a lot. I ate snacks from the vending machine at work, I ate fast food in my car during my lunch break and then I'd head to Wal-mart at midnight after work and buy a nights worth of junk food. I remember one particular night standing in the 30 items or less line with a basket full of guilty indulgences. I hated standing in line buying those foods. My face would get hot and I would start to feel anxiety creep around my body hoping that people weren't judging the sad fat girl buying a dozen cream horns. As I stood there pretending to be confident with my purchases a girl from the first stages of college came up to me with a huge smile on her face. I never particularly liked her as she was what I like to call "a fake confident", people who pretend to be confident, while their insides are wrapped in insecurities. We were never friends, but it was as though she needed someone (anyone) to tell about getting in to grad school. She quizzed me about school and snickered while she eye balled the contents of my basket. I bluntly told her I quit school and made some excuse for the excessive amount of crap I was about to buy. At that point, I had indigestion every single day, my size 26 pants were becoming snug, the scale was headed towards the 315+ mark and I barely had the energy to walk through the long parking lot to my car.

2) In the past year my weight has teetered somewhere between 273 and 283. Within a couple of months of living in NYC my weight dropped down to 290. It wasn't something I decided to do, 290 wasn't a goal I had set out to achieve two months after moving to ny. The walking and the lack of late trips to wal-mart forced my body to let go of some of its weight. Pants I bought but couldn't fit into months ago were put into the regular rotation. The indigestion went away. If you look at this story in the simplest and most obvious of ways. You will see truth in the statement "small changes, yield big results". Food issues never went away (obviously or I would be as like 170 ish now) but the binges were less frequent. I wasn't exercising a lot either. I was walking out of necessity. I had to get to the train that is two blocks away and walk down the steps to get to the train to get to work. I had to walk up 33 steps (yes, I counted) to get to the next train that would take me to the next station and walk up another 33 steps to get to work. I had to do this, and my body thankfully agreed. Over the past year I tried group exercise and stuck with it for two months straight. Two whole months. I had never made it past two days in a row, let alone two months of a class with thin people. Those classes defiantly helped when I was discovering my love for turkish home bread and chicken tikka masala.

3) Here are my truths about food: I love food. I love to cook. I love to eat. I love it when spices harmonize or when the simplest of ingredients compliment each other. I love food that doesn't belong in a cardboard box. I hate counting points and calories, but if I'm not doing either I feel like I've giving myself permission to eat whatever I want.

4) Here is my truth about exercise: I really like to move my body. I love to dance and sweat and feel flushed and exhausted. I love when my muscles are sore from use. I don't like to work out after work. I feel like I'm never prepared to work out in the mornings IE: doing it early enough to still have time to get ready for work, getting enough sleep, having something in my stomach, and having clean exercise clothes ready. I hate exercise machines, they bore me to no end. I actually have to cover the time with my towel so I'm not agonizing over every second. I love cardio kick box, but it's after work and when would I eat dinner? I would like to dance insanely with loud music in my apartment, but when would I do this, would I disturb anyone and should I be working out at home when I'm paying $70 a month to go to the gym. It annoys me to no end that I've come up with an excuse for not exercising, but doesn't annoy me enough to actually go. I hate that I have to plan and schedule the gym into my week before I can actually consider going, or that unless I ate really well that day its pointless to even go. I fantasize about being the girl that goes to the gym without thinking about, she is fit and doesn't need to a plan first before she goes. She just goes.

5) My confusions about dieting: Do I have to be very strict in order to lose weight? What do thin people eat on a daily basis, do they think about food as much as I do? Why can't I be more casual about food? I dream of not having to count anything and just use common sense when it comes to nutrition. I think of how great it would be to trust myself around food and to not have to be on a diet to lose weight. I wish that I could make lovely, healthy and delicious foods without it being such a big deal to me. That I can learn to stop when I'm full and eat when I'm hungry. I want so bad to not eat things I don't even want just because I'm not dieting that day or I forgot to count my points that day. I wish I could go back in time and restart all of my thoughts about food. The diet/exercise book I've been reading for the review has a straight forward, simple and slightly strict diet plan. I keep thinking "does it have to be reduced fat cheese, and non-stick sprays and chicken without sauces to lose weight?" and at the same time think "I can only stop obsessing about food and lose weight if I am more strict about what I eat". Weight loss is not a mystery, I know very well what to eat and how much to eat in order to lose weight. Why is it that I need programs and books and diets to give me permission to take care of myself? Why do I need to be "on plan" to stop eating when I'm full?

6) How I feel about my looks: I know I must be in denial about my weight, because most of the time I don't feel so bad about myself. Some days it gets bad though, when I get called out by men on the street who like "thick" women. Its embarrassing and it makes me feel bad about myself. I have a laundry list of things that I find so annoying about my appearance: my dry feet, my thin hair, my not so white teeth, the rash in between my thighs, the stretch marks, the pimples...it goes on and on and on and on. Do I have to feel so bad about myself and my health to take care of myself? Is it possible to take care of my body and love my body enough to not overeat and go to the gym? I fear going to the doctor, I feel that there will be so many things wrong with me real or imagined that are due to my weight. I don't think I am ugly, but I feel that very few people see beauty when they look at me.

7) What I think I need to do, but I'm still unsure about: I feel as though I need to create a no-fail zone in my life. Plan A, plan B and Plan C (just in case.) Does that make sense? Do I have to totally submerge my life into total weight loss mode in order to be successful? I feel as though I need to take my weight loss and health more seriously. Treating it more like something I have to do rather than something I choose to do.

8) Will weight loss become easier when I stop beating myself up about it?

not today, but tomorrow

Hello blog, I am here. I've been feeling under the weather for the past couple of days. Will return tomorrow with new updates and a book review.